


Dear Anxiety

by VenomousAbyss5



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Best Friends, Coming of Age, Depression, Eremin - Freeform, Fluff, Losing people, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Armin Arlert, POV First Person, Promises, Relationship Problems, Self Harm, Shiganshina, crappy town, highschool, lonely Armin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-06-06 22:10:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 170,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6772285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VenomousAbyss5/pseuds/VenomousAbyss5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years ago they made a promise to stay by each others side until the end of time. But, as Armin Arlert grows older he sees the uglier truths about the world he lives in. After loosing both his parents to their shared dream of exploring the world and his grandfather to an illness, all Armin wants to do is escape his home town; Shiganshina. He's saved enough money to pack up and leave the town and everyone in it behind, but there's still one thing holding him back, and his name is Eren Jaeger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Skipping

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm posting on here, so I hope that everyone enjoys it! I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update, I'm gonna say it will probably be weekly. But I may try for twice a week if I'm not busy, we will see. Anyways, feedback is always appreciated and I hope that you enjoy!

I repeated the words he spoke back to him in a strong and confident tone, it was like a pledge of sorts, "I, Armin Arlert... Swear to stay by your side until the very end... To always have your back... I'll stay through thick and thin... I will always be your best friend!" With that, we did our hand shake, simply sliding our palms across each other's, fist-bumping, and then locking pinkies as a promise. He smiled proudly at me, my own smile reflecting his only just a bit large and far more excited. 

It was a sunny day, the wind gently blowing through the windows of the treehouse we were standing in. It was in his back yard in the tallest tree, giving us a picture perfect view of the city that was miles and miles away. We lived on a small mountain, far away from the city, though close enough to have the glow of its soft lights illuminate our own houses at night. During the day, like it currently was, we saw tall towers standing proud in the distance, just as we hoped we would one day. The two of us stood in the treehouse far above the ground, the wind took our promise to be best friends forever, and held it safe within its grasp. The day I promised to stand by his side for ever; it was a sunny day. 

I woke to a faint beeping sound, which gradually grew louder until I couldn't handle the blaring repetitive noise any longer. My hand sprung out from under the warm comforter only to slam down on top of the black box creating the irritating noise, successfully silencing it. I took in a deep breath, letting it out as a heavy sigh before slowly sitting up, like a zombie rising from it's grave. The blanket slipped off my body as I moved, and cool air coming in contact with my skin caused a shiver to travel throughout my entire body. I turned, letting my legs fall over the side of the bed, but paused to contemplate getting back in bed to just go back to sleep.

But I couldn't, I forced myself to stand and dragged myself to the bathroom after yanking my towel off the back of the old cracked door leading to my room. My gray, dim room. Worn out paint was peeling off the gray walls and chipping off the white door, my bed was a mess of black sheets and pillows, books were scattered on the floor along with clothes that probably should just be thrown away at this point. I had white desk in front of the only window, though papers were scattered across the top of it, book were piled on the edge, and pens and pencils were thrown in random places, even though there was a cup for them sitting on the window sill. Black curtains covered the window, blocking out the rest of the world, which was mostly the bright city lights. There was a hamper in the corner that was over flowing with dirty clothes, and a stand not to far from there holding the only thing I knew how to take care of; my guitar. 

It was originally my fathers guitar, I had always loved to listen to him play and sing when I was younger. He usually sang about travel and other things of the same sorts; his dreams. He had an amazing voice, and would bring his guitar almost everywhere we went. Family cook outs, late night campfires, birthday parties; he loved to pull it out and play for everyone. He left it behind though, along with me, when he and my mother left to travel around the world; to go exploring like they had always wanted. I taught myself how to play on this guitar, though it never left my room; I wasn't like my father. I can't say that's entirely true though, because I barely remember him, only small memories were left behind for me, along with that dumb guitar. I could be an exact clone of him, yet there was no way for me to know.

The hot water flowing from the shower head encased my body like a fire-y hug, it burned deep into my skin but I enjoyed the warmth of it. I woke up far too early everyday, but that gave me enough time to slowly get ready, to enjoy the time I had before I was shipped off to hell. These hot showers were only part of the preparation for just that. They never lasted too long though, I washed my hair and body then got out. I wrapped a towel around my lower half and made my way back to my room, water dripped off of my body and onto the beige carpet but I didn't care. I had a walk in closet but it was fairly empty besides the clothes hanging up in it. I kept almost everything else I had, which obviously wasn't much, out in my room. It was more for the convenience of it than anything else honestly. 

I pulled out gray skinny jeans and a dark red shirt along with a pair of black boxers, and put each item on after drying off with my towel. I scrubbed my wet hair in an attempt to get any remaining water out, but it always somehow managed to stay wet even after my useless struggle at drying it. After hanging up the towel then quickly brushing knots out of my blonde hair, I made my way out to the kitchen and flipped on the dim lights. Two had already gone out and the other two were shining weak enough that they probably wouldn't last much longer either, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it yet. I grabbed a spoon and a bowl, pouring cereal and milk into it and then sat down at the old wooden table that created a makeshift dining room. In reality it was just part of the small kitchen, but it was only me living here, so it would due just fine. 

My parents paid me every week, not a whole lot of money but enough for one person to live off of. It bought the necessities and paid the bills, occasionally I was even left with enough to spend on other things, but most of that was saved in a jar kept under my bed. I was going to use that extra money to leave this town when I graduated high-school, in two and a half years from now, and go somewhere to make a better life for myself. It was the beginning of my sophomore year, which meant I was only getting closer to the day where I'd pack everything up and leave Shiganshina behind for good. But there was one flaw in that plan, a small one really, but it was still a big enough flaw that I was stuck here at least until the end of high-school. I would've left this place by now if it wasn't for him, the beautiful flaw and the promise I had made to him so many years ago. Who knows if he even remembers it anymore, but even if he doesn't a promise is a promise. I planned on keeping my word for as long as possible, even if that meant giving up on escaping this town for now.

There would've been another reason, but that was gone only a year after my parents left me. When they left, my grandfather began to take care of me, but sadly he was already extremely ill when he agreed to watch me and we couldn't afford the medical care that he needed. Maybe my parents could've, but they decided that exploring the world was more important than his life, I hated them for that. Within a year he passed away due to his illness, just another person that had left me to live alone, wallowing in my selfish misery. My legs swung, feet just barely gliding against the cold kitchen tiles underneath me, as I thought about him. I glances towards the small living room that's adjacent to the kitchen to see his portrait on a decrepit shelf, along with my mothers and fathers; all the people that left me. 

Once I finished breakfast I threw my bowl and spoon in the sink, only adding to the pile of dishes that had been building up over time. I'd have to wash those when I got home if I had enough motivation to do so, which wasn't likely. I walked to the door and slipped on my old gray vans, I'm surprised they even looked liked shoes anymore really, I've had them for at least two years now, thankfully I've barely grown since the beginning of eight grade. My growth seemed to end after seventh grade, leaving me far shorter and less matured looking and sounding than the people around me. A lot of times I was mistaken as either a female, a freshman, or both. If I had my hair cut Id probably look less feminine but I didn't want to spend the money and there was nowhere close by for me to get it done anyways. 

After pulling on my shoes I threw on a raggy black sweatshirt that was hanging by the door and put on my heavy backpack, which was one of the main reasons why I was constantly regretting taking so many high level courses. The back aches that came with carrying around so many textbooks were less than pleasant. But the classes were a good distraction, and I enjoyed the fact that the people in them were mostly serious about learning and their educations.

I flipped off the kitchen lights and reached for the cold metal door handle, struggling to find it in the dark. The brisk air immediately attacked my face when I opened the front door and walked out, locking it behind myself. But I didn't care, even as my wet hair began to freeze, sticking to my face, and my skin became numb, I didn't find myself caring. I only walked along the long dirt path that led to my small dilapidated house in the middle of a large circle of trees; no other houses in sight. The closest house was his, but even then it took at least ten minutes to get there if I walked quickly. Our bus stop was even further away and in the opposite direction, but that only meant more alone time for myself as I trudged along through the cold; maybe it would finally snow today, not that snow was something I was actually looking forward to. In reality, I hated the snow, only because it made things much harder for me, like walking to the bus stop for instance. It turned a fifteen minute walk into a twenty five minute walk, it made my cloths wet and my body extra numb. 

I made it to the bus stop early today, which meant I had time to sit on the bench and read my English book before he showed up. Thankfully too, because I had to have two more chapters read by sixth period today, not that I couldn't accomplish that in this time period, it would be quite easy for me. The cold wooden bench froze my butt and thighs, but I didn't pay any mind to such small issues, and the wind bit at my cheeks and nose, causing both to become a rosey pink color. I didn't care about the nipping cold that constantly sent shivers through my body; it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was alone, and the world around me was calm and quiet, the perfect reading environment. 

Not that it lasted for too long, "Hey Armin! You're here early!" A warm voiced called from not too far behind me, it was him. He probably would've startled me if he didn't walk so loud, but I could hear him coming from a mile away. 

"Good morning Eren," I called back without turning around as I closed my book and put it back into my bag that rested on the top of the table. I didn't see him until he sat down in front of me, bundle up in many layers and breathing warm air onto his gloved hands as if that would help warm them. 

His tan cheeks were reddened from the cold and his soft brown hair fell over his face, covering his sparkling blue-green eyes. He had on a gray scarf, a heavy green jacket, black jeans, and black sneakers. He dressed as if it already was snowing, which I internally laughed at. His black backpack was light and had barely anything in it; we obviously didn't have many classes together. I was more of an overachiever, while Eren tended to be an underachiever. He didn't care much about his education, even when I attempted to get him to try, and yet he was always willing to accept my help. He didn't earn ideal grades, but they were all passing so he was content with them.

"Man it's freezing out here! Wait..." Eren stared at me for a few moments, eyes slowly squinting. I stared back, eyes unblinking and face unmoving. "Is that all that your wearing?" He pointed at the thin black sweatshirt hanging loosely around my body. 

"Uh," I look down, observing the light material encasing me, and then back up again, raising a questioning eyebrow, "yeah, why?"

"You've got to be freezing!" He stood up, slamming his hands on the table which caused me to flinch, "here have this!" He pulled his fluffy gray scarf off himself and wrapped it around my neck instead.

"I don't need this Eren, I'm fine," I sighed, though I didn't fight him. I allowed him to put the scarf on me, and enjoyed the small amount of extra warmth it brought, even if that amount was barely noticeable. The scarf also smelled exactly like him, so that wasn't something I'd pass up on wearing.

"You do need it! You'll catch a cold," he huffed, his breath visible in the cold air for a few seconds before it all dispersed and floated away. "I told Mikasa to wear her scarf but she didn't listen and guess what? She's home sick!" Mikasa , who is Erens adoptive sister, is a year older than the both of us. It was surprising that she'd go anywhere without that scarf though considering that she will wear it even on sweltering hot days in the dead of the summer. Though Shiganshina doesn't normally have many days like that; even in the summer I usually find that the skies are dark and overcast while the air still had a chill to it. A dreary sky for such a dreary place, it was fitting. 

"I'll be fine," I told him, looking off in the distance to see that our bus was far away underneath a tunnel of tall trees that hung over the road. I stood up and stretched then climbed over bench seat while swinging my bag over my shoulder and onto my back, getting prepared for the bus that was growing closer. I walked to the sign without waiting for Eren to do the same, though he was quick to be back at my side. The bus was still quite a ways away, still only a small dot in the distance, but I didn't mind waiting. It's not like I was looking forward to getting on it, if anything it was the exact opposite. 

Eventually it did reach us though; we climbed on and sat in two adjacent seats towards the back of the almost empty bus. Only two other people ,who I have never talked to, were on with us, both sitting closer to the front, and only one more person would get on after us. It was always a quiet bus ride, most people took the chance to sleep while they could, given that the school was half an hour away. Eren was doing just that as the bus took off and heading for the next and final stop before it would take us to school, while I took out my book and struggled to read the small words in such a dark bus. Eventually, after I finished the chapter I was on, I gave up, put the book away, and stared out the window watching the dark scenery pass in a blur of motion. 

The only sight to see was trees, just dense green forest and thick shrubbery. But it was calming to watch, almost enough so that I could fall asleep, with the help of the warmth inside the bus; but I wouldn't. I could never fall asleep on a bus, no matter how empty it is. Too many things could go wrong in a situation like that, things that have never happened before of course, but there always is the slight possibility of them actually occurring. Like the bus suddenly catching on fire, or somebody stealing all of my stuff, or even the bus driver falling asleep and crashing us into a tree leaving us in the middle of no where with no cell reception, injured, and alone. It was highly unlikely that any of that would ever happen, but even so, you can never be too careful. Not that I could do much in those situations, but I'd rather be awake while they played out none the less.

After the last person gets on and sits down, the thirty minute drive began. Eren had given up on sleeping, instead he turned in his seat and stared at me as if waiting for me to turn to him and start a conversation. But there was nothing I wanted to say, so I stayed facing the front even when i could feel his stare burning a hole through my head. Eventually he gave up on waiting for me to talk first. He jumped over to my seat and scooted close, leaving me no wiggle room even though there was plenty of space on the other side of him. I felt my cheeks grow heated at how close we were currently sitting, and turned away from him to hide my dark red cheeks. 

"Hey, do you want to skip first period with me?" He asked, even though I wasn't looking at him he had assumed that I was listening anyways. He sounded hopeful, but I have no clue why, what would we even do? This town was nothing but run down shops, houses, and a small school here and there. Even if we did skip we would probably get so bored that we would regret not going to class. 

"And do what?" I replied, finally looking at him now that my cheeks had cooled down enough for the blush to not be noticeable. I can use the cold as an excuse if I needed to, but it's easy to tell the difference, especially since it is warm inside the bus and we had been in here for awhile, so I had to be careful about it. He might not have even been able to tell due to the darkness of the interior of the bus but I wanted to make sure it went away before I let him see me anyways, just in case.

"Well.. I mean I don't know... just hang out I guess..." He scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin and looked away, I guess he hadn't even thought about it. He was usually a spur of the moment type of person to begin with, so I wasn't surprised in the least. The idea probably came to him right as he sat down next to me, I doubt that he would've thought about it for any longer than that before asking me.

"Fine," I shrugged looking away, but I could almost feel the surprise at my one worded answer radiating off of him. Normally, I'd never be someone that would skip, but even I need a small break every once in awhile. It's been a rough year so far, I've been working hard to keep my grades up due to the difficult courses I'm taking, so this was my one break. It's not like I would be missing much anyways, just marine science. When I looked back over at Eren, I was surprised to find that he looked content, gazing forward with a slight smile resting on his face, it caused a warmth within me. A warmth that not even a scarf or a hot bus could cause, it was the warmth of happiness; not a warmth I was used to feeling lately. 

In the end, Eren did fall asleep, but of course he was still next to me since he refused to go back to his own seat even after the many times that I insisted that he do so. He leaned his head onto my shoulder, without even asking might I add, and that's where he fell asleep, I could almost hear his faint breaths over the bus's loud engine, his chest gently rose and then fell. If anyone could make breathing look graceful, it is Eren Jaeger. I should have moved him, I should have made him go back to his own seat far away from me, forcefully pushed him there if I had to. But I couldn't bother to, not when he looked so peaceful, so calm, resting next to me. So I let him sleep, it's not like I didn't enjoy his presence anyways. 

Sadly, I had to wake him up when we finally reached hell, or should I say school. It had become much brighter outside by the time we made it there, the sun was peaking over the tree tops, though the sky was still covered by dark gray clouds. Eren squinted and rubbed his eyes while letting out a large yawn as he woke up from his peaceful slumber. He sat up, his head slipping off of my shoulder, and stretched then turned to flash a large smile at me; I couldn't help but adore how tired he looked. I only rolled my eyes and pushed him out of the seat though, trying to hold back my laughter when he almost fell onto the floor of the bus. He just barely caught himself on the seat, eyes wide in surprise; he was definitely awake now.

He clumsily stood up from his position at the end of the seat and winked at me; I have a feeling he was just reminding me that we would be skipping first period. Not that I could forget such an important thing, but of course he had to be obnoxious about it, this is Eren after all. I rolled my eyes in response, standing and throwing my bag over my shoulder. We quickly made our way off the bus and to the table towards the middle of the school that all of our friends gathered at in the morning. Unfortunately it was outside, which meant that we'd have to bare the cold once again.

When we made it there, Sasha, Connie, Jean, and Marco were already sitting at the old light blue wooden bench, laughing at who knows what. But when they spotted us, they all stopped to greet us with a chorus of hellos and good mornings. I only smiled in return; silently taking my seat at the end of the bench to the left of Marco. Eren, who sat across from me, struggled to keep Sasha out of his backpack and away from whatever food he was carrying on him. It was hard to hold back the small giggle that bubbled in my throat when she began to wrestle him for his food.

Sasha was able to successfully steal his bag when this happened; Eren was too focused on me to notice or even care about that anymore though. As soon as I produced the muffled sound, he paused to stare at me in surprise, as if he's never heard me laugh before, though he has on many occasions. My cheeks grew red and I look away, glaring at nothing in particular.

"What?" I questioned, still not able to look back in his direction. I was afraid that if I looked at him my blush would never go away, he had that type of effect on me. A simple grin could leave me speechless, a light laugh would take my breath away. To me, everything he did was stunning, mystical or esoteric even.

"Huh? Am I not allowed to look at you?" He asked teasingly. I could feel his eyes on me, like a physical presence was grasping me, strangling me in its hold. To make matters worse, he leaned onto the table, getting as close as he possibly could to my face. His eyes caused sharp prickles just underneath my skin and an intense shiver to run through my body. I could almost feel him breathing right above me. 

I sighed, regaining control of myself, "no, you're not," I said as I turned to look at him. My tone was dead serious, and my eyes were just as determined. I would not back down on this one, for once I wouldn't be the one that was left a flustered, blushing mess. Or maybe I would.

"Just kiss already!" I heard Jean shout from the other end of the table, successfully destroying whatever resolve I had built up. I slumped in my seat, looking down at my lap. My hands had balled into fists and I was resisting the erg to get up and walk away, to go hide somewhere so that I could be alone. I could feel each pair of eyes on me, I knew they were just playing yet it felt like they were all judging me. For what? Even I wasn't sure if that. I began to unintentionally shake, my heart speed up so that it was beating at least two times faster, pounding so hard that it felt as if it would break through my ribs and burst straight through my chest. There was nothing wrong, nobody else seemed to care anymore, but for some reason it felt as if I didn't get up right that instant and just run where ever my legs would take me, then it was certain that I would die. 

I was about to do just that too, run that is, until I felt a gentle hand grab my wrist, causing me to flinch. I looked up and saw Marcos worried expression, but then he turned away, "cut it out Jean," he scolded harshly and swiveled back around to face me with a warm smile, "are you okay?"

"I... I'm fine," my voice was strained and weak; barely audible over all of the noises coming from the busy school around us. Marco obviously didn't believe me, but he gave a sad smile and nodded anyways. Somehow, just that was enough to reassure me that everything was okay, it was like he was telling me that he was there and he'd protect me. I believed that, maybe I shouldn't have but I couldn't stop myself. I needed that type of reassurance if I had any hope of calming myself down.

"Oh come on, I was just joking," Jean rolled his eyes, causing Sasha and Connie to snicker, "it's not my fault he's too sensitive to take a joke," he continued, but that's all I heard before I felt my stomach drop , and the world around me went silent. I was getting to worked up again, but as hard as I struggled to, I couldn't stop myself this time. My leg bounced and my hands clenched the bottom of my shirt, all in a sorry attempt to control myself. But I already knew that there was no way that I could sit here for any longer. I'm weak, useless. I'm annoying, a nuisance. They don't want me here, I shouldn't keep bothering them. Ugly thoughts plagued my mind and I couldn't push them out.

I stood up, ignoring all the calls of my name, and began to walk away as fast as I could without breaking into a run. I didn't think anyone was following but I made sure to quickly weave through the crowd of students walking in the halls to lose anybody who might be trailing behind me. I walked to the back of the school, which was quite a long walk, and sat at a bench behind a windowless building, which I assumed was some sort of shed. I put my head in my hands, fighting back the tears that threaten to spill out at any moment. My whole body ached as if I had just gotten beaten up, I had emotionally, but that was my own fault for letting that happen. 

That was when I heard a loud thud, and looked up to see that my backpack had been dropped in front of me, followed by a light, airy voice, "that's so heavy! What do you even keep in there?!" Eren peaked out from behind my back pack with a gentle grin resting on his face, it's was playful even. But that grin quickly dropped, almost as quickly as the first tears flowed from my eyes. It happened the same moment that I looked at him, I couldn't hold back anymore. He was quick to jump up and run around the table to wrap his arms around me, cradling me in his warmth, "shh, shh, don't cry, it's okay, shh," he repeated the same soothing words over and over like a mantra. It worked and I was able to calm down within minutes, though when the tears stopped he didn't let go, he kept his arms wrapped tightly around me. 

I sniffed and then whispered, "I'm sorry," while trying to push away from him. But Erens hold on me was sturdy, and I was unable to escape his grasp. Apparently he didn't plan on letting go any time soon, so instead of fighting it, I enjoyed the warm embrace. I leaned my head onto his shoulder, sighing, though I was still struggling to calm my breathing the best that I could. I soaked in the warmth he was giving me, glad that we were so close since it was so frigid outside.

"Don't apologize, there's no reason to be sorry," he said calmingly, his gentle voice comforting me even when the tears had stopped and my face dried. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such an amazing friend like him, but I'm definitely glad that I have him. "Are you okay?" He sounded genuinely worried. 

I wasn't sure if he'd believe me if I lied, but I attempted to anyways, "I'm fine." My voice sounded stronger than it had previously, and I almost had myself convinced that I was okay. It sounded like the truth, there was no pause or waver in my voice, and I didn't struggle to say it. Yet somehow he still was able to see right through me, it was as if I was translucent to him. 

"Don't lie to me and don't even say that you aren't lying," he paused, "you're shaking, are you cold?," even if I was cold, I wouldn't tell him. He'd probably force me to wear one of his jackets, which I would've been okay with if it didn't mean that he would be cold instead. But I wasn't cold, he was keeping me plenty warm. I wasn't shaking from the chilly air, I was shaking from earlier, and as hard as I tried I couldn't stop. 

"I'm not cold," I wasn't sure if I wanted to say the next part, I would probably regret doing so. But who cares, I continued, "you're keeping me warm," the sudden warmth in my face wasn't from him, that was different, it was my own fault this time. I heard a chuckle, I could feel it as his chest expanded and contracted; the sound vibrating within him. That only caused my cheeks to redden further. To hide them, I buried my face in his soft green jacket which he didn't seem to mind. 

Suddenly, the bell rang, signaling that it was time to go to our first class, causing me to jump and lean further into Eren. We stayed where we were sitting, neither of us even attempting to get up from the cold wooden bench. I had to repeat to myself over and over that this was my break. It didn't matter if I skipped this one class, it wouldn't kill my grade, I'd be fine. Maybe that wasn't the truth, but to be able to go through with this successfully it's what I had to tell myself. 

Then Eren stood up and stretched, taking away my warmth. I almost whined but thankfully I was able to suppress the embarrassing noise. When the bell finished ringing the third time, to tell us that class was starting, Eren slowly rolled his shoulders back and exclaimed, "okay, let's go!"


	2. Re-promising

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! This was supposed to go up yesterday but I've been so busy. I really wanted to have it up Wednesday but I wasn't even halfway done with it by then so that wasn't possible, for now I'll stick to updating on Saturdays. Anyways I hope you enjoy and feedback is always appreciated.

As Eren turned towards me expectantly, the sun shone against his eyes at just the right angle, revealing a warm honey gold shining proudly through a shimmering Caribbean blue. His eyes reflected the sun fighting the ocean, golds blues and greens woven to create an explosion of vibrancy that took my breath away; my brain couldn't function, I couldn't move. It's like time froze to let me drown myself in his beautiful eyes. If only I could've stayed there forever. 

"We don't have all day, come on!" He laughed, already walking away without me. Before he rounded he corner of the building I jumped up and grabbed my stuff, chasing behind him so that I wouldn't fall behind. Of course, he still hadn't told me what he had planned, so I'd have to let him lead me to our destination. I wasn't sure if I trusted him but he had promised me multiple times that's it wouldn't be anything bad. It made me nervous to just walk into the unknown, but I felt safe knowing that Eren promised I'd be okay.

We left the school grounds which I was weary to do but he assured me that it would be fine, that nobody would even notice. I let his words play in my head over and over to convince myself that he was right. We didn't just walk off through the front gates though, we snuck through the woods that lead straight to the town. My body was tense the second I stepped into the forest, already regretting skipping class with him. The forest was damp, the ground beneath us slippery, and the smell of morning dew was still fresh in the air. I almost fell on a few occasions, thankfully each time I slipped Erens arm would shoot out to catch me. As much as I hated the out doors, especially the woods, I enjoyed our short walk even though it was only supposed to be our escape route, I let myself treat it as if it meant something more complex; I let it mean more than it probably should've.

When we finally made it out of the woods, breaking free of the thick shrubbery and tall trees that shaded everything below them, we found ourselves on an old cracked side walk. The pavement had weeds growing in between its cracks, and large pieces were completely broken off in many places. The cool wind made me pull Erens scruff tighter around me and wrap my arms around my body. Standing across from us was a run down looking diner; a local business. I didn't venture into town very often, and when I did it was only to pick up what little groceries I would need to survive off of for a short time. Diners where never really my thing, mostly because if I was to go to one, I'd end up having to go by myself. I could barely leave the house alone, eating at a diner without someone else there with me was a whole different story; just the thought of doing such a thing had my palms growing sweaty.

Eren grabbed my hand in his own, I could feel his faint body heat through the fluffy glove, pulling me across the deserted street and through the front door of the dinner. A bell chimed above us as he pushed the door open, signaling out arrival. We where hit by a wave of warm air, instantly grateful to be inside. A small woman who stood at the counter called out a greeting to us in a cheery voice, "Welcome to Rals Diner, take a seat and I'll be with y'all shortly!" The woman shifted her attention back to the customer in front of her, apologizing for the interruption and then continuing to write down his order.

I looked around the small place as Eren led to me to a booth in the corner, I took a seat in front of him, past the cream colored table and onto the red cushioned seat of the booth. A window to our left gave us a view of the empty street; I almost expected to see a tumbleweed blow past the building. The design was about the same throughout the entirety of the building. A cream colored bar separated the dining area from the visible kitchen, metal stools with red cushioned seats where placed in front of it. The white wall had a red stripe running along the top, and an old red door led to the outside world. It was nicely decorated for such a small place; especially in such a poor area of town, not that Shiganshina had many parts that weren't poor. A jukebox sat in the corner adjacent to us, playing old 1980s records. Below us was a black and white checkered tile floor that looked like it hadn't been swept in months, some of the tiles were cracked and stained.

All of a sudden the cheery voice was speaking to us again, though this time it was much closer. I look up to the the short, strawberry-blonde haired woman standing by the table. She was wearing a fluffy pink dress with an apron draped over it, accompanying that was black sneakers and her bangs were clipped back out of her face. She addressed Eren first, they obviously already knew each other, "Good morning Eren, I see you brought a friend with you, what's this cuties name?" She giggled and winked at me right after calling me cute. I internally sighed; this would probably be another one of those situations where they don't realize I'm a guy until they hear my name, or until I straight out tell them. Hopefully I wouldn't have to go through that type of embarrassment this early in the morning, I hadn't mentally prepared myself for that yet. 

"This is Armin, he's been my best friend since we were kids," Eren introduces me, flashing a sly grin in my direction. I internally thank him for making it clear that I'm, in fact, not a female. My body tenses at the words "best friend", the promise I made to him suddenly staining my thoughts. I couldn't help but wonder if he remembered, and if he still thought that I'd keep the promise if he actually did remember. Not that it mattered either way, because I did plan on keeping my promise at least until the end of high school. Though, who knows what will happen after that? 

"Well Armin, I'm Petra Ral!" She stuck out her hand and I grabbed it, letting her roughly shake my own, her grip was strong and assertive, "what can I get for y'all today?" She questioned after letting go of my hand and pulling out a notepad from her messy white apron. Eren ordered her specialty French toast with coffee and I decided to get the same considering that I hadn't even looked at the menu yet. She smiled, telling us that she'd be out with our food soon, and practically skipped off to get to the kitchen, immediately getting to work on preparing our order.

"She called you cute," Eren smirked when she walked away, drawing my attention back to him. I rolled my eyes and shoved him, only to mask the fact that my heart began to pound and my cheeks heated up after hearing him say this. It wasn't like I cared, I wasn't even attracted to girls, but for some reason I couldn't help but feel embarrassed. It was like my mind was telling me it was something to be ashamed of, and even though it shouldn't have mattered it still continued to bother me. 

I glanced towards a clock that was hanging on a wall in the kitchen, it was already halfway through first period. "Hey Eren," he looked over at me, raising an eyebrow. "Will we make it back in time for second period," I asked, remembering that he only asked if I would skip first with him. Of course, I should have assumed that he would keep me for much longer, everything turns into an adventure with Eren; not that I don't enjoy it, I obviously wouldn't stick around otherwise.

He hummed, "I don't really know, depends on how long it takes for Petra to make our food, and then how long it takes us to eat," he paused, then continued, "of course then we have to walk all the way back too so, we might get back some time after second period," he shrugged, obviously not caring how many classes he missed. So far this year, my attendance had been perfect; that was until Eren asked me to skip. He can be such a great influence sometimes.

I sighed, "As long as we're back by third, Mr. Ackerman will be pissed if we miss his class," I said with a shiver that sparked inside my body. That was our French teacher, French being one of the two classes we have together. Eren was glad because he had someone to copy off of, while I was just glad that I had someone in that class that I knew. Classes where there's no one from my friend group are always the hardest classes of the day, it's a struggle just to force myself to go to them. 

"Man, do we have to go to French," Eren whined, "it wouldn't kill us if we missed just one class..." Even though he had me in French, and my work to copy, he absolutely hated going to it. I wasn't sure if it was the teacher or the language itself, but French seemed to be Erens least favorite class.

"Yeah but Mr.Ackerman probably would," I smirked and Eren chuckled. Levi Ackerman; he wasn't a bad teacher by any means, he knew what he was doing. But he tended to be strict and was extremely intimidating, there was nothing else to it. He expected you to be able to do everything in his class without making a mistake; he was a perfectionist at its finest. He also had one rule we were forced to follow; do your work confidently, even if you make a mistake, make it a loud mistake. But the problem was, the word confident and me just didn't go together, I wasn't confident by any means. By now, this far into the year, Mr.Ackerman had begun to force me out of my shell, but that was impossible even if he didn't realize it. His class was stressful, but I allowed myself to enjoy it because Eren is in there. 

Petra came back to our table to quickly hand us our coffee and then she was back to work on making the food. I put two creams and one sugar into mine, and then watched in disgust as Eren poured a handful of sugar packets into his drink, along with at least four creams. He mixed the sugary concoction and then took a large gulp, and I would've let my repugnance at seeing this take over, if he didn't have such a large smile on after taking a sip. I found myself appreciating the fact that he enjoyed it so much instead of mentally puking over the way he made his coffee. As long as he liked it, I was able to get over the fact that he was practically drinking a cup filled with sugar.

I took a sip of my own coffee, surprised at how pleasant just a small sip had been. I savored the flavor for as long as I could before taking a large gulp. I wasn't sure how this coffee was made, but suddenly I had a new addiction. I put the cup down, with small smile blossoming on my face, unable to hide how wonderful it was. I can see why Eren would choose here of all places for breakfast, just the coffee had me ready to come back again tomorrow, if I didn't have school of course.

"It's really good isn't it," Eren said gently. I looked up to see he was already staring at me with a content smile. I could feel my cheeks heat up, just now realizing that he had been watching me just as much as I watched him. He ignored my embarrassment and continued, "I found this place freshman year, the first time I had skipped. I needed a place to hide but was also starving and I came across this little dinner. I decided to give it a try and it was better then I had thought it would be," he told me. That's one thing about Eren that I would never stop admiring; how accepting he was of practically everything he came across; how he was never too quick to judge. A normal person would take one look at the outside of this place and leave, I probably would have even passed by without a second thought. But not Eren, he has the remarkable ability to assume the best in everything and everyone before he gets to know what they're really like. I could only wish that one day I'd be that great of a person, I aspired to be just as open minded as he is. 

Suddenly, I heard a light pitter patter sound coming from outside. I looked over to see small raindrops, painting the ground and rolling down the window. Soon enough, the real rain began, instead of pitter patter it was a complete downpour. There was no way we would be walking back to school in that, not even if we had an umbrella. I was slipping in the forest on the way here; there's no way that I'd be able to get through there in the pouring rain. It was surprising to see rain when it was so freezing outside, I expected the see snow covering the ground. Thankfully, it wasn't cold enough for that to happen just yet.

Eren sighed from across me, "I love the rain." He was looking outside, watching raindrops fall to the earth. I could the see the outside world reflected in his eyes, and I realized I'd much rather watch it from there. Somehow the world became all the more beautiful, and I realized why he loved the rain so much. I didn't understand how my opinion had changed so fast, it was just a simple glance into his eyes and I felt his adoration flowing into me. It truly was as if I was seeing the world through his eyes. And when I looked outside, all I could see was the beautiful light blue raindrops reflecting light, gathering in small puddles, bouncing off the window. It was like the water was dancing before me, an amazing spectacle that stayed engraved in my mind even as I looked away. 

"Okay you two," Petra had made it back to the table without either of us noticing her presence, this time carrying our food on a large black tray, "here you are," she placed the food on the table and then refilled our drinks for us. "I hope y'all enjoy! Call me over if you need anything!" She smiled and picked up the tray.

"We will, thank you Petra!" Eren responded, smiling back at her. He was already picking up his fork and knife, ready to dig in. I could feel my stomach growl when I smelled a whiff of the warm French toast on the table underneath me, just bagging to be eaten. I could barely hold myself back, but to be polite, I sat still until she left.

"No problem sweetheart," with that she walked away, leaving us alone again. Finally, I picked up my fork and dug in, already shoving a large piece of the French toast in my mouth before she was able to make it back to the counter.

The sweet bread practically melted in my mouth, and I sighed with pleasure. I'm not sure why Eren didn't tell me about this place sooner, but I'm glad that he finally did. I can't remember the last time I had food this good. Actually, I can; when my parents where still living here, before they left me. My mom used to cook us a special breakfast every Saturday morning, a lot of times it would be French toast. From what I remember, it was just as good as this, if not that then it was even better. I could feel my eyes start watering, and I rubbed away the tears before they could fall. Happy memories were harder than sad ones, I tried so hard to stay angry at them for leaving me, but as hard as I tried I could only feel overwhelming numbness. Like I was forcing my mind to care, but it wasn't effected. I could feel even the slightest bit of hatred toward them; not even sadness or happiness, just numb.

Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore, as amazing as the food was I couldn't eat at this poin, I had ruined the meal for myself. I felt like I was going to puke out my stomach, I even wrapped my arms around my abdomen just to hold it down. The pain was unbearable, it was as if someone had grabbed my stomach and was twisting it in as many circles as possible and then further. I could feel bile rising in my throat, and my arms were shaking. Why did I let him take me here; why would he bring me here? I couldn't focus on anything around me, all that I knew was the fiery stabbing pain that was consuming my entire body. It was the only thing my brain could fully register, it was as if the rest of the world had disappeared and I was left alone to wallow in pure sorrow and agony.

But I wasn't alone, I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a very worried looking Eren. Half of my food was gone, but my utensils had been thrown messily on the table; the fork was all the way on Erens side, laying next to his cup with a piece of the French toast still on the end. I don't even remember putting those down. Eren had eaten more than me, but it was obvious that he had also quickly dropped his fork and knife, though his at least stayed on his plate. 

He was speaking to me but I couldn't hear a thing, I only watched as his lips moved. I desperately tried to decipher what he was saying, but it was useless. He was speaking too fast for me to understand even half of it. I could tell when he would repeat my name a few times, but then he would always go back to saying something else. He was shaking me, at first it was light but then it grew much more rough and far more frantic. His blue eyes were swollen with fear, and he kept searching my own for some sort of signal. But I have no doubt that my eyes were just lifeless blue voids. I couldn't get control of myself. 

My chest hurt, as if I'd been impaled by a sword, and it was almost impossible to breath. The world around me was spinning and it was becoming harder and harder for me to focus on Eren. He was becoming a blur in my vision, to the point where he didn't even look human anymore. At that point, all I knew was fear. It was as if the whole world around me was crumbling to pieces, and I was being torn down with it. I couldn't move, my body was stone, but I still felt myself trembling and sweating. I tried to call for help, but couldn't make a sound, my screams where muffled, like I was sitting at the bottom of the ocean. 

Then finally, a sharp pain to my cheek pulled me back to reality. Eren had slapped me in a desperate attempt to save me from my own mind and it had worked. I was back in the real world, the 1980s music still playing, dishing clinking together in the kitchen. The bell at the door jingled and a few men walked in, they looked like truckers. They sat at the counter and waited for Petra to walk over, scratching at their hairy faces and fixing their worn out boots and flannels. The rain had slowed down, but it was still too much for us to try to walk back to school in. We would be trapped here for a little longer.

"Armin!" Erens shout finally ripped me from my thoughts. I turned to him, eyes wide with fear, I wasn't sure who was currently more afraid. "Are you okay? What happened?" His hand was still on my shoulder, he was leaning across the table. It was like he was clinging on for dear life, begging me not to get lost in my thoughts again. He actually looked scared, of what? I didn't know. 

"I... I'm okay," it was a weak whisper since I was still trying to recover my breath; after a few vain attempts I finally got it back. He shook his head, eyes tearing up and he finally let go of me to wipe the tears away. I wasn't sure exactly what had him so spooked, but I had never seen him like this before, it was a whole new side of him. He wasn't one to publicly show this much raw emotion, so something serious obviously happened.

"I'm sorry," he scoffed, "I shouldn't be the one crying," I wasn't sure what he meant by that, and could only look at him with confusion. "Are you done eating?" He asked, changing the subject. I nodded so he continued, "okay I'll have Petra come over so I can pay," he proceeded to call her over to do exactly that. She told us to have a great day and have fun at school before leaving to serve the other customers who had just entered the diner. It was becoming much more crowded as time rolled on; it was definitely a good thing we were leaving before it got too busy. 

Stepping outside was like getting slapped in the face all over again, but this time it was with cool fresh air that filled my lungs. It was less suffocating being out here instead of being in the small cramped building. My body felt more alive, my lungs expanded further than I thought was possible. It was having a bucket of pure relief dumped over my head, pure relief and ice cold water.

"Hey, come on," Eren called from a few steps in front of me. I quickly followed after him, not wanting to lose him because I didn't know the way to get back to school. It had stopped raining, though I wasn't sure how long ago exactly, my mind was in a daze. The world around us was still damp and it smelled like a fresh rainfall. A shiny coat of rain glossed over everything, and light drops of water could be heard hitting the ground all around us. 

He led me down the side walk; in the opposite direction of school. I may not have known exactly how to get there, but this definitely wasn't the way. I continued to follow him none the less, too mentally exhausted to even care at the moment. Maybe later I'd regret following him, but for now it didn't matter, nothing seemed to matter. It was like time, the world, my life, was moving on without me. Leaving me behind in its dust with no directions as to where I should drag myself next, I could only guess which way was right, and which was wrong. I could only hope to make the right decision, to not screw things up for myself any further than I already had.

Eren came to a stop in front of yet another, small, dilapidated looking building. The cracked sign above the door glowed with the words "Barbers shop" in a simple font. Most of the letters weren't lighted up any longer, only a few held out, showing the signs old age. Though, the sign was probably brand new compaired to the building it was hanging on. I wasn't sure why he would bring me here, but I didn't question it; his hair did seem to be getting longer. We walked in together; the interior was surprisingly much nicer than the exterior. Dark wooden floors, black leather sofas in the waiting room and more black leather on the barber chairs. There was an old pacman machine in the corner of the waiting room, and I instantly knew what I'd be doing while Eren got his hair cut. Or so I thought I knew, of course things never really went my way anymore; I just let the tide pull me through this silly thing called life. 

"Hey Eren! Long time no see," A man with dirty blond hair in an undercut walked around the corner into the waiting room. Apparently this was yet another person from the town who knew Eren, I was beginning to think he spent a lot of his time here. "You here for a trim?" The man questioned, walking behind the receptionists desk.

"Hey Auruo, it's nice to see you again," Eren greeted him kindly, shaking his hand with a firm grip over the desk, "and it's not me getting a hair cut today," he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at me, causing my eyes to grow wide, "it's Armin. He's let his hair grow out way to long," he said, grabbing a piece of my hair and pulling it out a bit as if to show how long it had gotten. It was past my shoulders now, and the cut wasn't as straight as I'd like it to be, but otherwise there wasn't anything wrong with it. 

"Well Armin, it's nice to meet you, I'm Auruo. If you may, follow me over to a chair," I followed without protest, I could use a trim I guess. He draped a cover over me to keep the hair off the rest of my body and then walked off, making his way back to the waiting area where Eren stood waiting. He was talking to Eren in the other room for awhile, though I'm not sure about what. Eren would say something, Auruo would nod and then ask a question I assumed, and then Eren would either nod or answer again. This happened a few times before Auruo pulled out a note pad and sketched something to show to Eren; who nodded happily at the picture he was shown.

Finally Auruo walked back over to me asking, "just a trim?" I responded with a nod, so he turned me around, to face away from the mirror and at Eren who was sprawled across the leather sofa in the waiting room. Auruo sprayed my hair with water to wet it and then pulled out his scissors to begin cutting off strands. Strangely, it seemed to be taking quite a long time at first, but that was when I felt a draft at the back of my head. My eyes grew wide, in fear that he had done more than just a small trim. My fears seemed to be correct when he started working on the top of my head, from what I saw falling down he was taking off at least five inches, possibly more. I kept my mouth shut, trying to convince myself that he wouldn't lie to me, but I knew then that I was also lying to myself. My knee bounced as I tried to keep myself calm; I should've spoken up, asked him what he thought he was doing, but my mouth was glued shut. He took a comb and brushed out extra pieces. After a few quick touch ups and then hairdryer to get rid of wet strands, he turned me around.

I could only gape at the stranger in the mirror, my mouth hanging wide open and yet somehow I still couldn't breath. The sides were shorter than I've ever seen them; only being about two inches at the most. The top was a bit longer, maybe about four inches, and was sticking up in every direction. It was a surprise to see my hair like this, after having it long and perfectly straight for so long. It's like I was looking at a picture of someone else. But the picture was copying my every move, and all of the other features were identical to my own. My shaking hand reached for my hair, fingers running through the shorter strands on the side. They were soft and fluffy, much healthier feeling then it had been before the cut; I couldn't even call it a trim anymore. I wasn't sure how to respond, I wasn't even sure if I liked it. I was so exposed, the one thing I had always counted on to hide me had been taken away.

Should I be angry because he did it without my permission. Or maybe happy because this forced me to finally try something new. I could be grateful that he did such a good job, even when the style changed so drastically. I couldn't choose one emotion, so they all mixed into one gray puddly mess of confusion. 

Eren was behind me, crouching to look at Auruos handy work. He ran his fingers through my hair with a pearly white smile spread across his face; he was beaming with happiness. "It came out so nice Auruo!" He complimented and then returned his attention to me, "do you like it Armin?" He sounded hopeful, and I couldn't deny that his voice persuaded me to answer just a bit differently than I had wanted to. He was obviously much happier about my hair cut than I was, but that didn't mean that I would ruin it for him.

I smiled, "yeah it's really nice," though I'm not sure if those were the words I'd choose to use if I was forced to speak the truth. I didn't bring up the fact that it took away my shelter, the one way I could hide myself in a crowded area. It would take forever to grow back if I ended up not liking it, and it would be a pain to keep changing the style until it was actually long enough for me to have my old style back. I wanted to yell and get angry, but I couldn't. I had to admit, it did look nice, but I still would rather that they at least had asked for my permission, what if I hated it? They couldn't fix it, but I couldn't be angry at them until I had my old hair cut back either.

"Good, because I think it looks great!" Eren said cheerfully, still playing with the short locks, obviously enjoying they way they felt. "I've been trying to find a new hairstyle for you for awhile, and this one seemed perfect!," he rambled on, but the fact that he thought about this for awhile was endearing and I began to like the haircut that much more. "It's always nice to try something new, even if it seems scary," he said quietly, as if I was the only one who was supposed to hear that. We're his words meant for only me? It sounded like he was trying to encourage me to do something, try something even , but I wasn't sure what that something was exactly. His words sounded persuasive, but what was he trying to get me to do? Was it like some type of warning for what may come in the future? Who knows; I was probably just thinking about it too much.

"Yeah," I whispered, breathless. My lungs were tight and I could feel my eyes burning, like I was about to cry. I unclipped the cover draped over me and placed it on the chair behind me. Walking to the counter, I leaned over to get Auruos attention, "how much will this cost?" I began to pull out my wallet as I asked the question, trying to keep my face out of view as best as I could.

Auruo waved his hands in the space in front of him while shaking his head, "nothing, nothing. Eren already paid so you're all good to go," he smiled at me, "I really like the way that cut looks on you!" I wasn't sure if the compliment was genuine, or if he says that to all of his customers, but I thanked him anyways. He was a nice guy, and I hated to admit it but, he was great at his job.

Eren waved goodbye to Auruo as we walked out of the store and back onto the side walk, I could only wonder where he planned on bringing me next. Just these two trips were enough to tire me out though, and I was ready to be back in school in my classes like I usually was. Thankfully, Eren began walking in that direction, and as I walked next to him I hoped that we were done skipping "just first period". It was actually almost time for us to go to lunch; the time was about 11:10 when lunch begins at 11:15. 

We took the trip through the forest again, this time the ground was more dry, even though it had rained, and I didn't slip as often. It seemed quicker on the way back, but that could've been my imagination. Or maybe we were walking faster because Eren wasn't stalling anymore, who knows. As we walked out of the forest, I had to brush small leaves off my jacket and untangle Erens scarf. We were back behind the shed and the bell had just rang signaling that it was time to go to lunch. 

"Perfecting timing," I said, still walking away from the forest. But Eren had stopped right outside of it, standing awkwardly in place and shifting from foot to foot. I raised an eyebrow at him and waved for him to come, "aren't you coming? It's not like we have to go to a class now anyways," I grinned, but it didn't seem to ease the tension in his body. He was stiff, his hands fiddling with the bottom of his shirt in front of him; he looked really nervous for some reason. I began to get worried, Eren wasn't normally someone who got nervous easily, "hey, are you okay?" I asked, slowly stepping closer to him as if I was approaching a scared animal.

He looked away, quiet for a few moments before taking a deep breath, "can I ask you something, it's really been bothering me for awhile now," his voice was shaky and he refused to look at me. I could feel my eyes turn into saucers and my heart pounding against my chest, any harder and my ribs would probably break. I was shaky now too as my mind tried to run over every possibility of what he would want to ask me, but my thoughts were a tangled mess.

I cleared my throat, "uh... Y-yeah, I don't care," I said, stuttering lamely. I tired to shake my awkwardness off, too worried about what he had to ask to even pay attention to how horrible I had sounded answering him; that was something to worry over later. He still wouldn't look at me, obviously struggling to build up the resolve to ask the question that seemed to be plaguing his mind. Waiting for him to say it was the worst part of it all, the mystery of not knowing what he's going to ask was suffocating. The worry that it might be something bad was terrifying, the possibilities were endless in this type of situation, making all these feelings even more amplified.

Eren closed his eyes for a few moments, and I wasn't sure if he was ever going to open them again. But suddenly, they flew open and he was staring straight at me, his whole body radiating with pure, unwavering, determination. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, "it's okay if you don't remember, I don't expect you to. I had forgotten for awhile anyways, but it's been bothering me ever since freshman year," he scratched the back of his head, obviously loosing the confidence he had just moments ago, so much for that rush of determination; ruining it for himself with his own rambling. "Anyways.. I was just wondering if uh... If you remember the promise we made when we were little," the last words were rushed, but I understood them loud and clear. They echoed in my head over and over even after he was done speaking.

I was afraid he was going to ask that, it was definitely on my list of 'stuff I don't ever want to hear Eren ask me'. But he did ask, and now I was practically obligated to answer. But what if he was hoping I didn't remember, so that he could break off our friendship for good. Maybe he didn't want to be friends anymore but he was worried that I was still hanging onto that promise we made. That didn't matter, I answered with truth, "yeah, I remember."

"Well then," he kicked the ground, trying to gather all of his thoughts. "You might think it's stupid by now, childish even," he laughed bitterly, "but, do you still plan on keeping it? The promise that is," he sounded hopeful. His eyes gleamed with the same hope that was drowning his voice, except he had asked the same exact question that was running through my own mind. I knew I'd be okay to answer now, it wasn't just me who remembered, who still cared.

I grinned, unable to hold it back any longer, "yeah, I plan on keeping it." I heard him sigh with relief, the same relief that I felt escape my own body, and a smile took over his own face. It was the happiest I had seen him all day, even after everything else we had done. He was happy because I was going to keep our promise, I was just as happy though; to know that he still cared just as much as I did.

"Do you promise," he asked with a smirk. His hand raised in front of him and I knew exactly what he wanted to do. He hadn't even forgotten something that was just a minuscule part of our childhood together, it was still etched into his mind, just as deep as it was carved into mine.

I raised my own hand, unable to resist, "I promise." Our palms touched, and then slid across each other. We fist-bump, my hand was much smaller compared to Erens. Finally we locked pinkies to seal our promise, for the second time, though it meant just as much to me as it had the first time.


	3. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter so much. I'm even updating on time! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy chapter three. Any type of feedback is always appreciated!

Luckily lunch was fairly uneventful, Eren and I sat with some of our friends at the same table from earlier this morning. It was still just as cold out and yet we decided that it would be a good idea to sit outside. Jean and Connie argued adamantly, and might I add quite loudly, over whether a tomato should be considered a fruit or vegetable. Sasha ate small tomatoes besides the two, picking the tomatoes up and popping them in her mouth one by one, not caring either way. Marco spent a large portion of lunch holding Jean back, attempting to keep him off of Connie the best that he could. They did end up getting into a small shoving match, but it was just playful pushing. By then Marco had given up, sighing, and joined my conversation with Eren, after complimenting my haircut. 

After lunch was over, on the way to our fifth period classes, is when it happened. Eren was walking me through the crowded hallways to my math class since his class was close to my own. He was telling me about an adorable dog he saw on Saturday and how even after begging his parents for hours, they wouldn't let him get a dog of his own. Eren was mid-story when he was abruptly interrupted, cut off by a short man who purposely stepped out in front of us, both of us coming to a quick stop. I looked up from the ground to see Levi Ackerman, our third period French teacher, staring back at me. He was eye-level to me, looking less than pleased to see us.

"Good afternoon Levi!" Eren grinned, greeting the French teacher informally. Levi let out an audible sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose, at Eren's enthusiastic greeting.

"Hello Jaeger," he turned to me and nodded, "Arlert," I only forced a small smile, that probably looked more like a grimace, too afraid to open my mouth to offer a real response. Levi wasn't exactly someone who would choose social interaction, especially with a student, over quickly getting back to his classroom. So this meant that he probably didn't have anything good to say to either of us. "I saw you both this morning, but then neither of you were in my class. And here you are again. Does anyone care to explain?" He sounded irritated beyond belief, a single eyebrow raised. He tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for whatever explanation we had to offer for skipping his class.

"Well we went out for breakfast," Eren told him bluntly, "then I took Armin to get his hair cut, and now here we are," Eren shrugged, holding nothing back. Apparently he didn't have a problem with owning up to his skipping, not that it's much of a surprise since he skips his classes all the time. 

Levi was quiet for a few moments, as if contemplating whether or not he had heard all of that correctly. Sadly, Eren had actually told him the whole truth. "You're admitting to skipping my class?" He asked in disbelief, Eren nodded. "I'd expect this from you jaeger, but Arlert? This is surprising," his monotone voice and bored expression didn't show even the slightest hint of that surprise he was supposedly feeling. The most I could see was the murderous gleam in his eye, I was already preparing to make a run for it.

Finally I spoke up, "I-I... I'm so sorry Mr. Ackerman, I swear I only thought we would miss first period," my voice shook as I struggled to explain myself. I knew that wasn't much of an excuse, but there was nothing else that I could tell him. 

"Well Arlert, I-I am also sorry," he said, imitating my nervous stutter, "you two will have to come after school to make up the test you missed, and we started dialogues so you can work on that too," his words were final, giving us no room to argue. "I'll see you this afternoon," with that he walked off, brushing off his black suite jacket as he walked around the corner and out of our view. My heart was still pounding even as he disappeared, and I hadn't noticed until then that my whole body was shaking; it was becoming hard to stay standing upright. I was sweating, and really needed to get to my class to calm myself down.

Eren paid no mind, linking his elbow around my own and pulling me along, "well, I guess we'll just have more time together!" I let out a dry laugh, but didn't respond otherwise. I was too consumed in the fact that I wasn't sure how I was going to get home. While Eren had parents who could pick him up, I had nobody. I didn't even bring money with me so I couldn't pay for the city bus, and I really didn't want to ask Eren for a ride. I'd feel like a nuisance, the last thing his family needs is to have to drive me around everywhere, they aren't a taxi service. I'd figure it out later, or I'd just end up walking home, which would probably take at least two hours, but what other option did I have?

By the time the end of the day rolled around and I was making my way towards the French room, dread filled my stomach to the brim. I still hadn't been able to come up with a way to get myself home after all this time. The thought was plaguing my mind for the remainder of the day and still I had yet to think of any useful ideas; my mind was blank. The only two options I seemed to have was to ask Eren or walk. I wasn't sure which would be more humiliating, though at this point I really just wanted to get home as quick as possible and curl up underneath my blankets. I could just forget about the world, about my life, for a just few hours. I could forget, until it was time to get up and do my daily routine all over again. Sadly, today was only Monday, I had an entire week ahead of myself, yet I could barely make it through one day.

My light footsteps echoed as I walked through the empty halls, only a few teachers and students scattered here and there. It was a small school, only about three hundred students who, by the end of the day, we're all rushing to escape the gloomy place. Only a small amount hung around in the after hours, some waiting for their ride, others going to a class or just hanging out with friends. The school, as a whole, was usually a laid back place. That allowed for kids to stay after for almost as long as they wanted; as long as a teacher was there.

I knocked once on Levi's classroom door before opening it to signal that I was coming in. Walking inside, I saw that Eren was already working on the test we had missed. He sat at a desk directly next to Levis own desk. He scratched his head, tapping his pencils against the desktop while he was thinking. He was obviously struggling with this test, which Levi seemed a little more than pleased about. My body was tense, nervousness taking over me. I really needed to pass this test to keep my grade up. The only way I'll ever be able to escape this town is if I get good grades, then maybe one day I'll make enough money to pay for college.

There was a blank test paper resting on the desk directly behind the one Eren was currently sitting in, that Levi directed me to. I quickly sat down and got to work, not wanting to waste time or forget what I had just studied last period. I flew through the questions, scribbling my answered out as fast as I could, they were all extremely simple. I finished before Eren did, he still seemed to be struggling with the same couple of questions. The whole time I was taking the test though, I couldn't help but doubt all of my answers, constantly going back to change them or look over them. While I finished the test before Eren, he ended up turning it in far sooner than I had. Apparently he finally figured out those questions, or just gave up all together. After awhile of revising and changing my answers, I also gave up, accepting that I'd get what ever grade I get, unable to change that fact. Hopefully I did well enough to get an A, though there seemed to be quiet a few questions that I was unsure about.

It was a long test, sixty questions in total. While that left much more room for error, it also left a lot more to remember in a short amount of time. I wasn't able to memorize everything from this unit during the last period, and only studied what I was struggling with the most. I could tell that I probably should've studied some other stuff too, but I didn't have time.

Levi scanned over our papers, without marking them, just to glance at our answers. "Well, I'll grade these later, start working on the dialogue. Each person has to say at least five sentences but if you do more then good for you," he told us, pulling off his glasses and setting them down on his desk. He put his hands together, resting them in his lap, and waited for us to start working.

Eren and I quickly scrambled to get to work, while I wrote the dialogue mostly by myself, the whole idea was Eren's. He'd say something in English and I'd translate it to French. In the end it turned out decent, and now we would just have to memorize it. We went over the paper a few times, saying it out loud to make sure it sounded natural, and reading over it to look for any errors. We worked to edit and revise it the best we could, occasionally asking Levi if something sounded okay or for help with a word. Levi actually looked proud that we were working so hard on it, even if this was normal for me. Maybe he was just happy that I got Eren to work for once, that's a feat all on its own.

When we were done, we couldn't get out of there fast enough. Both of us said quick goodbyes as we gathered our stuff and left, finally escaping the abysmal French room. By the time we left, it was already four pm; the sky was a grayish blue color, our breath in the frozen air looking about the same shade. From looking at the sky I could tell that it would probably start raining soon, which meant that we had to hurry. I still wasn't sure how I was supposed to get home, even now after all this time, I hadn't been able to come up with anything. Being too afraid to ask Eren, I'd have to settle on walking all the way back; too bad it looked like it was going to start pouring any second now. 

"Are you taking the city bus home?" Eren asked as we walked out the front gate to the school. We both had our arms wrapped around ourselves, trying to preserve as much heat as possible. Eren had his gloves back on, but still continued to unwrap his arms just to rub his hands together, it was a bad habit of his. I'd seen him do it even when we were inside and it wasn't cold. It was just more obvious outside since he tended to do it more to keep himself warm.

"Uh, well... I kinda just planned on walking..." I said awkwardly, not looking at him. I wrapped my arms around myself tighter, hoping that he wouldn't care.

He stopped in his tracks and gasped in disbelief, "why would you walk? You won't get home until like... six!" His face reflected pure shock, arms stretched out in a questioning manner. 

I stopped alongside him, "I didn't bring any money, so I can't really pay for the bus," I tried to shrug it off and act nonchalant, but I'm sure he already knew how much this was bothering me. He could probably tell that something had agitating me ever since we first talked to Levi, but had chosen not to ask about it. Somehow, he could tell when there was even the slightest shift in me, even if I didn't realize it myself.

I didn't normally bring money with me, only because what ever extra money I received I was saving, plus I've never had to stay after school before so it's not like I was expecting to have to pay to take the city bus home. There was no reason to carry cash around with me if I was never going to use it, too bad I had to now.

"Oh! I can pay for you! I have to take it anyways, both of my parents are working," he said, almost sounding happy that we'd be on that gross bus together. I opened my mouth, trying to argue, but he cut me off before I could even say anything, "don't worry about it okay, it's not that expensive. It's not a big deal anyways, plus I'd rather have company instead of riding alone" he shrugged my attempt to argue off, and continued walking. We'd have to hurry if we wanted to catch the 4:15 bus, so we walked toward the bus-stop at a brisk pace. As much as I wanted to tell Eren not to pay for me, I really was glad that I didn't have to walk home.

We ended up getting there just in time, people were already climbing onto the bus when we arrived. After getting on Eren paid for the both of us, which I thanked him multiple times for, and we took two seats in the back. The bus ride was quiet, most people tired from long days at work. Or in our case, a long day of skipping school. I couldn't complain about having to stay after school. As tired as I was and as much as I wanted to blame Levi for making us stay late, it was our own faults. 

The bus was warm, the windows fogged against the cold outside, so Eren drew smiley faces on it. I shook my head at his childish behavior, but sill found it amusing anyways. The seats were uncomfortable and it smelled weird, but I wouldn't complain. The bus is better than a two hour walk, probably through the rain on top of that.

Our stop was one of the last, and the actual bus stop was still about a thirty minute walk from my house. It was an even further walk for Eren, too bad the buses didn't go that far into our neighborhood. But there was barely any families that lived here, and each house was separated by a few acres of trees. It wouldn't be worth going all the way in just to pick up a few people, or to drop them off. So we had to deal with walking a short ways to get home, and be thankful that we didn't have to walk from the school to here. Our legs would become numb from the cold after awhile anyways, so walking wouldn't be a problem for long. 

The ground beneath us crunched as we trudged towards our houses, the sky was growing a darker gray color and the trees didn't help the darkness that was starting to surround us. We had gotten off the bus around five but the sun was already going down, lately it's been getting darker earlier. Of course neither of us carried flashlights with us to school, who would? So we picked up the pace, hurrying to make it home as fast as possible.

We were about three minutes away from my house when the rain started. It was light at first, but soon enough it was pouring. Ice cold rain drops soaked through our many layers of clothes, both of our teeth were audibly chattering. We began to jog, desperately trying to get out of this freezing downpour as fast as we could. When we reached my driveway, I heard Eren ask me, yelling over the sound of raindrops crashing into the ground, "can I stay at your place for awhile? My parents aren't home right now anyways," he sounded distraught; he probably just wanted to be inside and didn't care where that inside was.

Normally, I wouldn't let anyone into my house. It's a mess and is full of my personal belongings, but this was a different situation. So without thinking I responded, "yeah! But hurry up, let's go!" I took off running down my long driveway; for some reason whoever built this place thought it would be a good idea to have a driveway that's a fourth of a mile long. My feet splashed against various puddles that were forming in the road, and soon enough I heard Eren splashing besides me. We pushed ourselves to run as fast as we could, though my heavy backpack was slowing me down considerably. Eren was nice enough to slow down for me instead of running ahead.

We practically ran into the front of the house, both tired and severely out of breath. I fumbled with my backpack to get my keys out, and unlocked the door as fast as my numb, shaking hand would let me. I threw the door open, both of us rushing to get inside and then shut it behind Eren, the sound of the rain suddenly becoming muffled. Eren instantly dropped to the floor, and I heard a sigh of relief from next to me as he pulled off his soppy shoes and socks, leaving them on the ground underneath him. We were both dripping wet, a puddle forming beneath us on the ceramic entrance tiles. I didn't mind, I could clean it up later. 

"Take off your jacket and gloves and leave them over here, I'll get you dry clothes to change into," I instructed him. After taking off his scarf and my jacket I ran off to my room. I quickly changed into new boxers since mine were soaked, gray jogging pants, and a baggy white v-neck shirt. I tried my best to find clothes that would fit Eren, he was much taller than me and his whole frame was larger than mine, thankfully I liked wearing baggy clothing so I found stuff that might actually come close to fitting him. 

I grabbed two towels, one for Eren and one for the floors, and made my way back to the entryway. I gave Eren his clothes and towel, and he thanked me before walking off to the bathroom to change. He already knew where everything was since he used to come over so often when we were children. Laying a towel out on the entryway tiles, I tried to sop up the water the best I could.

I took all of our wet clothes, threw them into the dryer, and waited for the rest of Erens stuff. Hopefully they would all dry before Eren had to leave. He walked out carrying the rest of his dripping wet clothes, I threw them into the dryer and turned it onto the highest setting. If they didn't dry I'd just let him wear my clothes home, he would return them anyways so it wasn't a big deal.

We stood there for a few moments, each waiting for the other to make a move. The only sound we heard was rain drops hitting the house, along with the steady beat of the dryer. It was Eren who ended up speaking first, "well I guess we can work on our homework now," he suggested.

"Yeah, we can practice our French for a little while if you want?" My proposal came out as more of a question. I meant to tell him that we'd work on it, only so that I knew he actually did it.

"That's fine," Eren agreed, which caused me to internally sigh with relief, and we both went to grab our bags from the entryway. Our backpacks were still dripping with water, and after a small heart attack I was grateful to find out that nothing inside got wet. I silently thanked whoever made our bags, glad that the material had proven to be water proof. After we got our bags, and I wiped the water off of each of them. I lead Eren to my room, sitting at the end of the hallway.

I flipped on the light as we walked in, silently cursing myself for not replacing the lightbulb. The room was dim and it was a struggle to see clearly, but thankfully Eren didn't seem to mind. He threw his back onto my unmade bed; he flopped down onto it afterwards. I scoffed and sat on the stool at my desk, gently setting down my bag besides me. 

"Don't fall asleep we have work to do," I called to him, pulling out my French notebook. He let out a muffled groan, but still moved to take out his stuff anyways. We practiced our dialogue for a while, both of us slowly memorizing it until we didn't need to look at the paper anymore. I was almost grateful for the rain, it was forcing Eren to actually do his French work with me. But once it was memorized, we both got bored and moved on to working on separate things that we had to get done; I took out my chemistry while Eren struggled with his math.

After a short time of silence, besides the constant tapping of Eren's pencil every time he was thinking, Eren spoke up, "hey can you come here, I need help with this problem," he sighed afterwards, obviously frustrated by whatever he was stuck on. I walked over and sat down next to him on the bed, looking at his paper I saw that he was stuck on a simple geometry question. I explained Pythagorean theorem to him, and showed him how it works. I then explained how to use it in the problem. He seemed to catch on quickly, as if he never had an issue solving it to begin with. "Thank you, I was so stuck on these problems," he laughed and scratched the back of his neck.

"It's no problem," I told him smiling, "if you need help with anything else just tell me." I went to stand up so I could go back to my own work, but a strong grip around my wrist forced me back down onto the bed. Gasping as I was pulled down, I looked to Eren with surprise. 

He looked shocked at his own actions, and quickly stuttered to come up with an excuse, "I-I'm so sorry, I just.... I didn't mean to... I don't know why I..." Nothing was coming out clearly though, he was obviously struggling to explain himself. I couldn't move, frozen in the shock of being yanked back down. I was barely able to process Eren's words as he fumbled over sentences, "I didn't mean to pull you down so hard, I'm sorry," he sounded nervous and looked genuinely apologetic. 

"It's okay, you just surprised me is all," I tried to laugh it off, doing a terrible job at faking it. My voice shook, an after effect of the sudden scare.

I still wasn't sure why he had wanted to keep me here though, and I searched his face for an answer. I found nothing, just his nervous eyes staring back into my own confused orbs. We sat there for a few moments, neither uttered a word. He fidgeted under my state, which was surprising in itself, but also refused to look me in the eye for a long period of time.

I took his features in, his tan skin, beautiful blue-green eyes, soft pink lips, silky brown hair, and sharp jaw. Eren was a good looking guy, I was surprised that he didn't have a girlfriend by now. He was a very likable person, and obviously attractive, I didn't see where the problem was. 

He didn't move, only staring at me with a blank expression. It seemed like he was searching for something too, but I wasn't sure what he was looking for. He must have found it though, because suddenly, his lips crashed against my own. I gasped startled by the sudden collision, eyes widening, unable to comprehend what was happening for a few moments. But before I knew it, my lips were moving against his, desperately trying to press closer. My eyelids fluttered shut as I leaned into the kiss. My whole body was on fire, and as his hands slowly travel up my thighs sparks danced across my skin. 

We had to pull back for a few moments, both of us completely out of breath. Seconds later though, his lips were touching mine again, softly bringing us back together. This time I felt his tongue slowly swipe across my bottom lip. I gasped, allowing him entrance to my mouth as his tongue began to fight against my own, both swirling together in fast motions. My hand moved on its own, fingers weaving into his slightly wet hair. I pulled him as close as I could, holding him against me. But eventually we had to stop again, neither of us able to hold our breath for any longer. The kiss broke, a trail of saliva still connecting us, urging us back together. 

But instead, we stared at each other for a few moments, faces flushed and breathing heavily. I wiped my mouth, trying to hide the blush the was burning my cheeks. Suddenly, Eren's eyes grew wide and he sat back, pushing away from me. Both of his hands quickly raised in front of him almost defensively, "I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me, I just kinda felt the urge to kiss you, and so I did, as you probably noticed. And then it was so good and I wanted to keep going but I didn't even stop to think about how you felt," his hands fell to his sides, balled into fists to stop them from shaking. "I'm so sorry, that was so selfish of me," his voice quiet and down cast, obviously he felt bad. 

"Don't be sorry," I said quietly, unable to look at him. "It's not your fault, I went along with it. I'm sorry," my solemn voice practically echoed throughout the silent house. I wasn't sure if I actually meant that. Was I really sorry? At this point I wasn't sure, I might have even enjoyed the kiss. 

Eren shifted, leaning back against the wall with his head tilted up towards the ceiling, eyes shut. "That was so wrong of me," he whispered, painful regret flooding his sorrowful voice. It was as if it physically pained him to think about what he just did. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, knuckles white and fingertips digging into his palms. Why was he being so hard on himself about this?

"Eren..." I started softly, as if not to startle him, "you don't have to worry about it, it's okay," I tried to sound convincing. But I could barely keep my thoughts straight at the moment, my brain had become a tangled mess, I had no control over my tone anymore.

Eren and I had always been close friends, but had I ever considered that we could become more than that. Had he ever considered it? Maybe he had been testing something, trying to clarify his feelings.

"I'm such an idiot," Eren scoffed, and I felt my heart stop beating, my stomach dropped. He regretted it didn't he? "I forced myself on you, didn't even give you a chance to say no.." He paused, eyes finally opening as he looked the ceiling, like he was searching for a way out of this pain that seemed to be consuming his entire being. "I ruined everything, I'm such an idiot," his voice broke on the last word and he swallowed loudly. 

That horrible broken sound, so full of pain, caused my heart to ache. I couldn't handle this any longer, it hurt too much to hear Eren beat himself up like this. I leaned forward, gently grabbing his face in my hands and guiding it down so that he'd look at me. "Eren, it's okay," my voice was a soft whisper, like a gentle caress; I did my best to sound soothing. "I could've pushed you away if I wanted to, but I didn't. That was my fault just as much as it was yours, so stop taking all the blame," I search his eyes, but he didn't look convinced of my words. 

"Stop trying to be so understanding, you don't get it," Eren muttered bitterly while pulling away, "I shouldn't have done that, I messed up," he shook his head, glassy eyes looking away from me. His jaw was clenched, and his eyebrows furrowed. 

"What don't I get?" I frowned, sounding angrier than I had meant to, my words came out harsh. I instantly regretted speaking to him like that, it only severed to make him frustrated with me. 

Eren refused to look at me, lips pressed together tightly, "why I did it Armin, you don't understand," he shook his head, practically glaring a hole through my wall. What didn't I understand? He explained why earlier, it was just a simple urge. He had to be regretting it now, trying to find a way to get himself out of it. 

"You said you had to urge to kiss me," I sighed, "which I get, and I'm okay with it. So what don't I understand?" I was lost now, the whole situation slowly becoming more and more confusing as he refused to fully explain himself. The vague terms he used only served to add to that confusion.

He threw his arms up with an exasperated scoff, "See! You don't get it, that not why!" He was talking loudly, looking straight at me now. Eren's anger took over, and finally the truth flowed out, "Armin, I did it because... The truth is I like you! I was trying to deny it for so long, thinking that it was because we're such close friends. But it was more than that, I wanted more than that. So I kissed you, and I was right. I like you. But I ruined it, I pushed myself on you and you can't forgive me for that," the confession poured out of him, as if he couldn't hold it back any longer. He looked hurt at his own words, his eyes unable to hold back tears for any longer, as one slowly fell down his tan cheek.

"What do you mean I can't forgive you?! I already told you that it's okay!" I said in astonishment with my voice raising, was he not listening to what I was telling him? I paused, eyes growing twice their original size when my brain finally processed all of his words, "you... Like me?" I wasn't sure if I had heard him right, surely I didn't. I didn't even think he liked guys, let alone me. 

"Yes, I like you, as in more than friends. But it doesn't matter anymore," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. It was like he was trying to make himself disappear, but I wouldn't let that happen.

"Of course it matters! Eren I forgive you okay, so stop beating yourself up about it," I tried so hard to get through to him, to convince him that it was okay.

But he refused to listen, "no, it's really not okay." Finally, I realized that there was only one way to make him understand what I meant. This could've been a mistake, it felt as if time froze as I leaned forwards, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

Leaning over him, straddling his hips, our faces were mere inches apart. I searched his eyes, my hand cupping his face and thumb wiping away the single tear, his eyes following my every movement. When I found no sign of resistance, I closed the space between up, pressing our lips together. He didn't move at first, closed lips sitting in place, but I pressed desperately, urging him to kiss me back. Finally he gave in, his hand rested on the back of my head as he took control of the kiss. I let him have control, I didn't care, I just wanted to show him that it's okay. 

My legs wrapped around him as I sat in his lap, I was elevated enough that my head was above his. His face titled up so that the kiss wouldn't break, and my own tilted down to a more comfortable position. Our lips moved against each other desperately, emotion pouring into every single moment. With one swift move his tongue was back in my mouth, saliva mixed with his salty tears; he was crying again.Yet he still pulled away to smile, wet face glistening in the moonlight flooding through the window. I could feel a warmth in my chest, gradually growing the longer I looked at that brilliant smile.

He shifted underneath me, moving us so that we were laying down together. My head rested on his chest, with half of my body draped over him. I listened to the soothing, steady beat of his heart. A constant pounding sound , vibrating underneath me. I felt his chest rise and fall with each breath he took. Eren let his hand travel to the longer stands of my hair, gently playing with the soft locks. It was soothing, and as much as I tried to fight it, sleep was beginning to pull me away from the world. My eyelids were heavy, and I could barely process what was going on around me. The one thing I did feel, was the soft kiss on he top of my head, followed by Eren holding me closer to himself.

That's how I fell asleep, snuggled up against Eren, who served as a heater. I'm sure I fell asleep smiling, it probably even stayed glued in place as I dreamed. It had been quite a while since the last time I felt this happy. 

To be alive, living my messed up life, and still be happy. It was a foreign feeling, but definitely a welcomed one. And at that moment, I was curled up next to the beautiful source of this overwhelming happiness. I could feel myself clinging onto that feeling, and that amazing person, for dear life.


	4. Fragile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter four! It was so much fun to write and I couldn't help but post it a few hours early. I might start posting twice a week soon (Wednesdays and saturdays) but im not sure. I'll see once school ends because I'll have a lot more time. Anyways I hope you enjoy and any type of feedback is always appreciated!

My eyes slowly fluttered open, adjusting to the small amount of light pooling in through the crack in the black curtains. I yawned and rub my eyes, blinking a few times to clear my blurry vision. Looking around the room, everything seemed to be exactly where I had left it. Yet, it felt as if something was missing. I sat up, stretching out my limbs, and looked to my left, realizing what was wrong. Next to me, was an empty spot. The body that I had clung to so desperately had disappeared, leaving only its imprint as evidence that it was ever there.

My stomach dropped when I remember what happened before I had fallen into a peaceful sleep. What made that even worse was the fact that he was now gone. He regretted it so much that he left me without even saying goodbye, while I was sleeping, still assuming that I'd be curled up next to him when I woke up, that I'd still have the comfort of his presence. But I was wrong, I shouldn't have assumed that he'd stay. This pain engulfing my chest was my own fault. My eyes burned and I did my best to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. I couldn't let myself become a sobbing mess over this, I had to stay strong even if it was just for once in my life.

But I couldn't, I hunched over, burying my face in the blanket to muffled the sobs that wracked my entire body in harsh waves. My whole body shook, each tiny vibration more painful than the next, I could feel myself shattering further with every intake of breath. It was as if my entire being was on fire, it felt like I was suffocating. Like I was sitting at the bottom of an ocean with an anchor tied around my ankle. My heart ached, like someone was squeezing every last drop of hope, of feelings, that I had left. And suddenly, everything became numb, my surroundings became silent. Only one thought lingered in my mind; he left me. The crying ceased, I could breath, but I couldn't feel, the pain was replaced by a numb tingling sensation. I sniffed and wiped the tears away, eyes focus on the wall in front of me.

I forced myself off the bed, dragging my heavy limbs one by one until I was standing up. The room spun around me, and I was sure I was going to pass out as my vision went pitch black. But eventually I could see again, I could see the dark room covered in shadows. I could see the lonely guitar, stranded in a miserable world of its own, begging to be played after being left untouched for months. But I didn't care, I ignored it all. I pleaded with my body, begging for it to move even if it was just a little. Finally, my legs begrudging walked, taking me out of my room and down the long hallways leading to my kitchen. I needed to check to see if he had taken his clothes from the drier, if not I'd have someone give them to him. 

I walked with my head down, it was too heavy for me to hold up, watching each step I took as my feet lugged themselves across the carpeted floor. It was as if my body was moving all on its own, not that I minded. My brain wasn't functioning, all of my energy had been sucked out of me. I was a walking corpse, brain dead and weak. 

But, when I reached the end of the hallways, I heard a scrapping noise in the kitchen. My head shot up, eyes practically bulging out of my head, to see him standing in front of the stove, frantically trying to pick something up with a spatula. I was in shock, my body refused to move. I stood staring at him, eyes unblinking, my breath caught in my dry throat. It was awhile before he noticed me, but when he did he offered a cheery greeting.

"Oh! I didn't see you there," he smiled, that alone lit up the whole room. "Good morning! I hope you slept well, I was trying to make pancakes but it's been a bit harder than I thought," he chuckled at the pile of 'pancakes' sitting on a plate on the counter. They looked more like deformed frisbees, but I ignored that.

I was left speechless for a few moments, staring at him awkwardly. But quickly enough, I shook myself back into reality and answered him to the best of my current ability, "g-good morning Eren." I rubbed my eyes, still not sure if he was real, or if this was all just a dream. Maybe I cried myself back to sleep. It could be an apparition, or I could be going crazy and was just imagining things, I wouldn't put that past myself at this point.

But he was real, that was Eren staring back at me. Neither of us moved, eyes locked and bodies frozen statues. That was until the air was filled with the thick smoke from something that must have been burning. We both looked around, our eyes darting around the kitchen confused. But that was when the realization hit, at the same time our gazes flew over to the pancake that Eren was currently cooking. It was definitely the source of the burning smell, since it was somehow on fire. Eren frantically turned back to the stove, picking up the pan and running to the sink. He threw the pan into the sink with a loud clattering bang that resonated throughout the house, and turned on the faucet, successfully putting out the fire that turned the pancake into a crisp. 

"I give up," Eren groaned, running both his hands over his face. He was still facing away from me, leaning against the messy countertop next to the sink. He stared down at his pathetic burnt pancake, sighing and shaking his head in disapproval, obviously disappointed at his extreme lack of cooking skills. 

"You already made seven, that should be enough," I reassured him, picking up the plate of not-burnt pancakes and carrying it to the table, where I carefully placed it down in the center. I also brought two plates, setting each in front of an old wooden chair. "Come eat, we can take care of that later." 

Eren nodded, quickly turning off the stove and grabbing syrup before sitting down at the table. We ate in silence, the air had suddenly become more tense as we both began to think about what had happened last night. Neither of us brought it up, though we were both probably wondering if the other was thinking the same thing.

I knew he regretted it, it was obviously a stupid mistake on both of our parts. Him, for kissing me in the first place. And me for going along with it. I wasn't sure how this was going to effect our relationship, but I was definitely hoping that it wouldn't change anything. I don't think I could handle losing our friendship just because of one silly mistake. Though if that happened, I was prepared for the consequences. That just meant I'd have to leave, I had enough money by now so there really was nothing to worry about. I had no problem with packing up my stuff and disappearing before anyone realized I was gone.

But I did worry, and that worry was eating me alive. Even if I did have a backup plan, I didn't want to lose Eren or our friendship. That was the last thing I had to hold onto, the one thing that was keeping my life rooted. It was stupid to put so much trust in a simple relationship, but what else did I have? This crappy town or house? School and all of the people I know? Maybe the family that left me behind. 

I had nothing but Eren, and whether he realized it or not, he is why I stay. He's the reason I get up every morning and take care of myself the best that I can. He's why I force myself to go to school and actually try, why I talk to people instead of keeping to myself all day. Image if I was to lose him, to lose my anchor. 

When we finished breakfast I cleaned all of the dishes, which actually took far longer than it should have. But my mind was in a different place, wandering all on its own when I needed it the most. I had realized by now that we were missing school, but I didn't care. I couldn't find it in me to care. There were far more important things to be worrying about at the moment. School was towards the bottom of my list of 'things that matter'. 

I couldn't clean the dishes forever, I had to face Eren sooner or later. So I dried my hands and sat across from him at the table, watching his expressions change as he did something on his phone. I spoke up, slightly startling him, "do your parents know you're here?"

"Uh... Yeah I uh... Told them I was staying here last night," he rubbing the back of his neck, not looking up from his phone. 

"Oh okay..." And with that the awkward silence was back. Though Eren didn't seem to mind it, since he refused to look up from his phone. It looked like he was texting someone, but I wasn't sure. I didn't even have a phone, so it's not like I had the option to ignore him the way that he was ignoring me. 

Finally, he pocketed his phone, and took a deep breath before looking up at me. Was it really that hard to face me? This whole situation was becoming more and more painful for me to try to deal with. I wasn't sure if my brain could handle this type of mental torture. 

He stared at me for a few moments, his eyes refusing to leave my face. I shifted awkwardly underneath his heavy gaze, unable to look at him for as long as he had been staring at me. When I looked back though, he asked in a serious tone, "Can I ask you a question?" His voice was monotone and his flat facial expression gave no clue as to what he wanted to ask.

My stomach dropped, I was sure I was going to puke it out in a matter of seconds. But sadly, it stayed down which meant I'd have to answer him. I cleared my throat, not that it helped much since it was so dry, "s-sure," my strained voiced cracked. 

He ignored that though, continuing, "I'm just gonna say it. We are both obviously thinking about what happened last night," I nodded, unsure of where exactly he was headed with this. "Well, I just want to make things clear, for both of our sakes," I was internally screaming for him to get on with it, unable to bear waiting any longer. "So yeah, what are we?"

"What... Are we?" I whispered to myself, looking down at my hands. We were friends, that's what I thought. But did he want to be something more than that? Did I want something more than that? "Well... What do you want to be," I asked, unsure of myself. 

"I'm fine with staying friends," I wasn't sure if I had felt relief or disappointment flood me after hearing that. "But, we could be more if you wanted," Eren said the second part much quieter, it was a whisper that I had to strain my ears to hear. 

Did I want to be more than friends? I enjoyed the kiss, I enjoyed sleeping next to him, cuddling all night to wake up to home-made breakfast. I like hanging out with him, spending all this time with him. But did that mean that I wanted to be more than friends? Not necessarily. I had to be natural to be curious about your relationship with someone, and obviously I enjoy hanging around someone who I have always been so close to. It was a hard decision. 

I ultimately came up with one possible conclusion, "I need time to think about it," I told him flat out.

Eren nodded excitedly, "that's okay, I can live with that," he smiled brightly. I wasn't sure if I really did need any more time, or if I was just stalling because I didn't want to answer. Maybe I was hoping he would just forget about it and we could go about our lives as we usually did. So we could forget everything that happened, pretending that it never did. Luckily, the answer seemed to satisfy him enough. 

He stood up and stretched his back, "I'm going to go shower, can I grab my clothes from the drier?"

"Yeah, of course!" I laughed, pointing him in the direction of the laundry room, even though he already knew where it was. He nodded and left to grab his stuff before walking off to the bathroom. I heard the shower turn on and a few moments later his voice followed, sweetly singing some song I had never head before. I closed my eyes and listened, enjoying the way his deep voice moved with the song, I could feel the emotion pouring out if his words. Excitement, with pain buried somewhere beneath, his tone hid nothing.

It was strange how everything had gone back to normal so quickly. Like everything snapped into place and life was okay again. I was still worried about our relationship, but at least Eren had lifted some of that stress of my shoulders. Now it was more like a nagging thought at the back of my mind, one I would only think about when I was alone. Like now for instance. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the ways this could turn out. 

I could tell him that I wanted to only be friends, and Eren would accept that. Or he might become angry that I didn't want what he wanted, so he would exclude me from his life. He might accept it but then it could also change our relationship. Only one of those possible outcomes were okay. I could tell him that I want to be more then friends, and Eren might be happy because he wants the same. Or he might think I'm a freak for liking guys, especially my best friend. Then he'd spread it around the school, ultimately causing everyone I know to turn on me. Again, only one favorable outcome. So there's really only two ways that this could work out for me.

Since I couldn't be sure how he'd react, I couldn't base my choice off of that. I'd have to actually figure out what I really wanted instead. I had to figure out the risks that I was willing to take, and if the consequences are even worth risking.I wasn't even sure if I could do that, I couldn't tell what I felt for him. It feels like I want to stay friends, but thinking back, I wouldn't mind kissing him again. Friends don't kiss, so does that mean I want more? Why was there no easy way out of this?

I leaned on the table, putting my head in my hands and squeezing my eyes shut. This whole situation was giving me a massive headache. I was ready for it to all be over with already. If only I had answered him earlier, I wouldn't have to deal with the mental anguish that I was putting myself through. I could deal with it and move on, but now I was stuck with the crushing anxiety of what was going to happen next.

Suddenly, I was pulled out of my thoughts by Eren's voice, shouting from the end of the hall. I hadn't even noticed that the shower turned off. I jumped in my seat, startled by his voice, "Hey, Armin?" He called, sounding nervous.

I stood up and began walking towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, "yeah? What do you need?" 

"Um..." I could hear the embarrassment in his voice, but it was far more obvious by the red that painted his cheeks. "Could you get me a towel?" Eren grinned sheepishly. I rolled my eyes, chuckling at his mistake. 

"Yeah, give me one second," there was a linen closet near my bedroom door. I pulled a towel out of it and walked back, holding it out to him, "Here you go."

"Thanks! You're a life saver," Eren laughed, leaning out of the bathroom to grab the towel from my hand. But he leaned out far enough to reveal his tan torso from behind the door, still dripping from his shower. I froze in place, unable to take my eyes off of the golden skin that stretched taut across his muscles. I watched water droplets slowly drop off his torso and land on the carpet with a light thump. 

When my eyes wandered back up to his face, he was staring at me with an amused smirk. I immediately felt a blush creep onto my face as you eyes grew twice their size and I whipped my head away to stare at the ground below me, "I'm so sorry!" I waved my hands in front of myself in a defensive manner, as if trying to tell him to go away.

"Oh? You like what you see?" Eren teased, I could practically hear him wiggle his eyebrows at me. I shook my head, still refusing to look at him. He didn't move from his spot in the doorway though, even as I restlessly shifted from foot to foot waiting for him to give up and go away. He only laughed though, not moving from the doorway, "come on, don't be shy!" 

I sucked in a breath, and without looking at him said, "Yes actually, I do like it." Where had that sudden burst of confidence come from? By Eren's silence, I could tell that he was also slightly surprised, not that it lasted for very long. My confidence disappeared just as fast as Eren's shock, and I immediately regretted saying that.

"Well there's more where that came from!" He said with a wink, a large grin stretched across his face. Pulling the towel into the door, he slammed it shut behind him. I was left standing in confusion, listening to Eren hurriedly move around on the other side of the door. Suddenly, the door flew open, towel wrapped loosely around Eren's hips. He smirked, and then began singing, quiet loudly, Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. He danced to his own singing, swaying his hips in fast motions as he slowly spun in a circle. I could only watch in astonishment, my eyes drawn to his fluid motions. But a sudden problem told me I couldn't watch his show for much longer. 

My eyes grew wide and I panicked, turning around and yelling behind me, "oh my god Eren! Put some clothes on!" I practically ran down the hall to get away from him, his laughter followed by the sound of the door closing could be heard from behind me. I paced around the kitchen in circles, pushing the heel of my palm into my eyes as if that would make the thoughts go away. The way his abs moved following his hips, in quick fluid body rolls, the perfect V line that led under the towel. It had me thinking to myself over and over, I am not getting a boner because of Eren, I am NOT getting a boner because of Eren. 

When I finally calmed myself down, in more ways than one, I sat down at the kitchen table with a large sigh. Why did I have to be a hormonal teenaged boy? Who just happened to see his best friend practically naked and dripping wet, while dancing might I add! Who just might have a small crush on his best friend, and decided to torture himself by watching his best friend dance while almost naked and very wet. Why does this kind of stuff always have to happen to me? And to think, all of this started because we skipped the beginning of school yesterday. 

I ran my fingers through my short hair, thinking of the morning we spent together and everything else that had led to this moment. It was amazing how one small choice effected how I my life is now. Not that I minded, I wouldn't change anything. Even if the situation wasn't ideal, it wasn't horrible either. I smiled to myself, I was okay with how everything turned out in the end. Even with the weight I have on my shoulders it was okay, I knew I could make it through this.

All of a sudden Eren spoke from behind me, "did you enjoy my show?"

I turned around to glare at him, "no, I didn't," I looked down to see that he still hadn't gotten fully dressed. Was he trying to kill me? "And put a shirt on!" I huffed, crossing my arms like a child.

"Awe come on, you know you like it!" He laughed, "and there's no point in wearing a shirt if I don't have to leave the house," he smirked, I was sure he was doing it on purpose now. Well two can play at that game.

"Then I guess I'll have to kick you out," i deadpanned. My face, somehow, stayed serious as I stared at him waiting for a reaction. His eyes grew wide, I wasn't sure if it was fear or surprise. Either way, I internally celebrated, glad that I was actually able to pull that type of reaction out of him. 

"W-wait, are you serious?" He actually sounded worried, and I couldn't keep it in any longer. I began to laugh hysterically, Eren betrayed expression only made it worse. I held my stomach as my laughter died down. "You jerk! Now I'm really not putting it on!"

"Then I'm really going to kick you out," I told him, unable to keep a serious face this time, a grin taking over my lips. 

"Oh will you? Then make me leave," he smirked. Eren was far stronger than I was, and also much taller. There was no way that I would be able to actually force him to leave. I could always bribe him, but that's not fair, though neither was our size difference. I decided to play it fair anyways, even if it wouldn't get me anywhere. It was all playful, I would never actually make him leave, and I assumed that he knew that. 

I stood up, slowly walking over to Eren, trying to find a way to get him to move without having to touch him too much. I couldn't pick him up or push him, so there was only one thing left to do. He raised an eyebrow when I reached him, a confident smirk plastered on his face. I only smirked back, as my hands flew to his sides and I began to tickle him. I was sure I could get him to move this way. It seemed to work for a few moments, he took a couple of steps back to get away from the attack. But suddenly, my feet weren't on the ground anymore. My eyes grew wide as he gently threw me over his shoulder. I tried to squirm away but he held tight, barely allowing me to budge my legs at all. 

I pounded my fist into his back, "let me go!" I continued to put up a useless struggle, in hopes of squirming away. But there was no way for me to escape, I was trapped. 

"Nope, this is your punishment," Eren told me as he began to walk down the hallways. He was heading for my room at a fast pace, and my struggle became more and more frantic the closer we got. I wasn't sure what this punishment would be, but whatever it was I was sure that I didn't want it. 

When we made it to my room, he threw me onto the bed. I relaxed now that I was finally free, but that didn't last for long, he was above me within seconds. His knees where on both sides of my hips, and he held my wrists together above my head with one of his hands. I wiggled my hips underneath him, in one last struggle to get away, but sadly, he sat down affectively holding me still. I held my breath, waiting for whatever it was he planned in doing. But he didn't move for awhile, allowing the anticipation to drive me insane. I couldn't sit still, constantly trying to escape in any way possible. 

But then Eren spoke up, "I'm sorry but, this has to be done..." My eyes grew wide as his free hand traveled down my chest and stopped to rest on my stomach. Suddenly, his hand shot to my side and he began roughly tickling me as I squirmed beneath him. I tried to hold the laughter in, but it was no use, my laughter echoed throughout the room, my eyes even began to tear up. The laughs turned into whimpers and squeals as the attack grew unbearable. I fought with everything I had to try to push him away, but he would budge. Eren's tickling was relentless, and eventually he let go of my hands to tickle both of my sides. My back arched, trying to get away but his hands only followed, my own hands grabbed at the sheets. That was when I realized, I was free. 

My hands shot up, colliding with Eren's strong shoulder to push him off of me. He was sent backwards, landing on his back right in front of me as I sat up. I was still recovering from his tickling but threw myself at him anyways. I sat on top of him, panting while I attempted to catch my breath. Trying to hold his wrist down so that he couldn't gain the advantage over me again I held him with all my strength, which wasn't much. Our tickling fight had turned into a wrestling match, he rolled us over so that I was underneath again. But this time he held each wrist with a separate hand, and I knew that there was no way out of this.

"Give up!" Eren told me in a stern, yet playful voice. I looked away, shaking my head. "I'm not moving until you surrender, I can stay here all day," he sounded serious, and I wouldn't doubt that he was. Though this position couldn't be much more comfortable for him than it was for me, and it wasn't very comfortable for me. 

"I refuse to surrender," I told him in a harsh, spiteful voice. It was hard to keep a straight face though, the urge to laugh was strong, even though I had already done enough laughing for today. I kept my glare firmly towards the wall though, refusing to look at him.

That was until Eren grabbed my face and forced me to turn towards him, his face was only a few inches away from mine. "I told you I won't move until you give up, that position can't be very comfy. I doubt you want to stay in it all night, but I could be wrong," he smirked, obviously enjoying the fact that he had all of the control again. 

"I refuse," I whispered defiantly, looking straight at him as I spoke the two words. Eren's smirk turned into a grin, at this point we were both trying to see how far the other was willing to go. I didn't care though, I wasn't willing to surrender no matter what. Well, that's what I thought. 

"Then I'll have to punish you again," I felt his breath ghost across my face, and it sent a shiver thought my body. I wasn't sure what he was going to do this time, but something told me it wasn't tickling. I was right, Eren's lips gently pressed against my own, and I responded right away. Allowing myself to indulge in the kiss, even though I knew I would probably regret it later. Once I moved against him, Eren's movements shifted from kind and gentle to rough and desperate. He pushed his tongue into my mouth, immediately taking control of the kiss. I let him have all of the control, I didn't care as long as he didn't stop.

I arched my back in an attempt the press my body closer to his, desperately needing more. His hands slowly traveled down my sides, tracing the curve of my body. Each touch burned like fire against my skin, but I needed more. Eren grabbed my hips, suddenly breaking the kiss to pull me up as he kneeled on the bed. My legs wrapped around his hips and arms around his shoulders, clinging to his bare back. We didn't stay like this for long, he quickly turned and pushed me against the wall, my back smacking against it with a hard thud. Eren pressed lips against mine again, only stopping to bite my bottom lip, gently tugging on it with his teeth casing me to let out a small whine. When he let go, I threw my head back, breathing heavily. He pressed light kissed against my neck traveling all the way up to my jaw.

Eren moved back to my neck though, sucking and biting at the tender skin. I struggled to keep quiet, holding back any embarrassing noise that threatened to come out of me. When he moved away from my neck, I tilted my head back down. He lightly traced his lips against my jaw, moving up until he reached my ear. He stopped, and gently bit my ear. But that was enough, my jaw dropped open as I let a moan fall out, I could feel him smirk against me. He continued working my ear between his teeth, pulling small whimpers out of me. My back arched off the wall, pushing against him. But he put his hand on my chest to push it back down, forcing me to stay against the wall.

I craved more contact, and he knew that, but he wasn't allowing it. He let his hand slide under the hem of my shirt, slowly roaming up my torso, feeling every dip and curve of my body. My breathing was heavy and my eyes squeezed shut, I had given Eren the control to do whatever he wanted with me. It scared me, knowing that I was so willing to give myself up like this, but it almost felt natural. 

Eren took my nipple in between his fingers, squeezing and slowly rolling it between the two fingers. My whole body shuddered as I let out a loud moan, writhing in the waves of pleasure that took over my body as he relentlessly twisted and squeezed. My hands attempted to grip his back, nails digging into his bare shoulder blades. He let out a low moan, slowly rolling his hips against mine. 

"E-Eren," I whined, eyes tearing up, "I can't do this," I whispered, ashamed of myself. I lead him on, I let him think that it was okay and it was what I wanted. But in the end I couldn't keep going, I gave up. 

Eren froze, letting me slowly slide down the wall and onto the bed, and backed away. He was still breathing heavy, cheeks flushed and lips glossy. He nodded a few times, though his face showed no emotion. A blank expression stared back at me, I knew that I hurt him. "That's fine, I understand," he nodded one more time, as if he was trying to convince himself. "I'm going to go get a drink," he told me as he got up and left the room, leaving me alone in the silence of solitude.

Regret consumed my stomach, burning like a wildfire, searing everything it touched. I knew I should've stopped him, I knew it went to far. But I let him continue out of my own pure selfishness. I craved that blissful feeling I got every time he touched me, the spark that shot through my body when our lips touched. So I led him on, even when I wasn't sure if it was what I really wanted. I led him on, and I hurt him, there was no way around it. I wasn't sure how I was going to repair this mistake. I was quickly learning that some things aren't easily fixed. A relationship is a fragile thing, once broken it will never be the same. I could only hope that I hadn't broken ours too badly.


	5. Falling for Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't updated for two weeks because I've been studying for/ taking my finals. Plus I've been super sick, but now thats all over so I'll hopefully update more often. Anyways, I hope you enjoy chapter five ft. Armin gets life advice from everyone but he probably won't listen to any of it.

I stared at the wall for an unknown amount of time, it could've been seconds or maybe minutes. I listened to Eren move about the house, and the sound of my breath that was still coming out in heavy pants. My stiff body finally slumped down, going limp against the cold hard wall that supported me. My head fell forward so that my unblinking eyes focused on the messy sheets beneath me. The room spun around me, and I felt nauseous. Tears burned my eyes while regret ruthlessly burned the rest of me. I knew I had hurt him and I didn't expect there to be any sort of consequence, yet here I was wallowing in misery.

I shouldn't be the one upset though, I had gotten what I wanted. It's Eren who was really hurt by all of this, he should be crying and screaming at me. He should be telling me how much he hates me, how he never wants to see me again. But instead, he left me to sit alone in silence and think about what I had done. Which apparently was far more painful then anything he could say to me. 

I didn't want to leave the room, and I didn't want Eren to come back in here. I didn't want to have to face him, to see the pain in those beautiful eyes, the pain that I had caused. I wanted to lock myself in, refusing to open the door until he left. But I knew I couldn't do that, he was far too stubborn to let me. Though, that's if he's ever going to talk to me again. I'm working off the assumption that our friendship isn't completely over, even if I had messed it up so damn badly. Maybe he had it in him to forgive me, he's a good enough person to do that. Though, the only question is, will he? There's nothing forcing him to forgive me, it's his choice. I had put myself in a situation where I couldn't do anything to change his mind, the decision was completely up to Eren.

I couldn't move from my spot on the bed, leaning against the wall. I was glued there, body stuck and frozen like stone. Any sort of movement would cause me to fall too pieces, even if I was already broken to begin with. I always end up making it worse for myself, letting myself get hurt. Maybe I'm a masochist, maybe I enjoy the agony that I put myself through on a daily basis. 

The sound of light footsteps making their way to my room caused my heart to thump painfully against my chest. It felt like my heart was trying to break free of the jail it was in. I held my breath, praying to whatever God that might exist, that Eren wouldn't come in here. I couldn't face him, there's no way I'd be able to look into his eyes without finally breaking. I couldn't do this, I needed to run, to hide. I had to get away, go as far as I could, leave this place and never turn back. But I stayed in my spot, still unmoving, unable to force myself to do anything. 

Eren sauntered in, slowly making his way around the bed. I watched as his legs moved, before he stopped in front of me. I braced myself for whatever he had to say, ready for him to pour all of his angry, hurt emotions out at once in an overwhelming flood. But all I heard was a worried voice asking, "Armin?" 

I forced myself to look up, eyes wide with surprise. Eren's own eyes grew wide when he saw me. Suddenly he was leaning over to me, kneeling on the bed to reach me. He placed one hand on my face, wiping away tears that I didn't know where there. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he looked confused. "Why are you crying?" He asked gently; I could feel my heart break in my chest and tears flowed out even faster. I let out a harsh sob and looked down, only to have him force my face back up to look at him. "Shh, shhh, what's wrong? Don't cry, it's okay, you're okay," he repeated, only causing me to cry harder, each sob painfully wracking my body as they hit in harsh waves.

He pulled my into him arms, one wrapped protectively around my back and the other gently holding my head as he ran long tan fingers through my short blond hair. He held me against his bare torso, gently rocking me, all the while whispering soothing words to get me to calm down. We were like that for awhile, and he didn't let go until I had completely stopped crying. 

I sniffed and looked up at him, waiting for him to speak. Though he waited awhile, contemplating what he should say. "Why were you crying?" He asked wearily, as if I might start sobbing again at that simple question.

"I-" my voice cracked, and I had to clear my throat before continuing at a much softer level, "I thought I ruined everything."

"What do you mean?" Eren asked, confused, "you didn't do anything wrong." 

"I... Led you on," I started, unable to look at him any longer, "and then made you stop, I played with your emotions," I said with disgust in myself. It was so hard to say, I was surprised I didn't start crying again at my own words. But I had to face the truth of what I had done without getting upset, I had to stay strong.

"Armin I wanted that, you didn't lead me on, and I understand that you wanted to stop," he grabbed my hand, rubbing circles on the top of it with my thumb. Pale skin clashed with his own tan skin as he intertwined out fingers together. 

"Then why did you leave after? I thought you were mad at me," I played with the sheets next to me with my free hand, trying to focus on anything but Eren. 

"Well..." He sounded embarrassed, and I finally looked up to see that a blush had taken over his cheeks, "after seeing you like that, if I didn't leave I don't think I'd be able to stop myself," he laughed, scratching the back of his neck, letting go of my hand.

I stared at him in surprise, unable to comprehend what he had told me. He wasn't angry with me? He left to get himself under control? 

"Armin," Eren said, suddenly sounding far more serious than he had previously, bringing my attention back to him. "You need to stop always assuming the worst, you're only hurting yourself by doing that. I don't like seeing you cry like this and I could never be mad at you, so stop assuming that every little thing you do is a mistake," his words hit me like a train. My mind was sent into a confusing spiral.

The only thing I could think to do was deny it, "I don't-"

"Stop," he cut me off, "we both know you do it. You always think everything is going to go wrong, and every decision you make is the wrong choice. You get yourself worked up for nothing. Im tried of constantly seeing you fall to pieces over the smallest things, so stop okay? I don't want to be harsh, but you can't keep doing this. I care too much to let you continue to do that to yourself. I just want to see you be happy, can you at least promise me that you'll try?" Eren sounded more hopeful than I would have liked. I couldn't keep a promise like that, did he not realize this?

"Y-yeah," I said weakly, "I'll try." 

How did he know me so well that he understood why I had gotten so upset? How did he figure that out, it's not like I make it obvious. Most people assume that I'm just over emotional, that I care too much. Yet somehow Eren, out of all people, figured it out and put it all into words. He understood me before I even had the chance to understand myself. 

I could feel myself growing distant, and I hated it but I needed to protect myself. I couldn't let him see all the uglier truths about me, I had to hide them. If he knew what I was really like, that would only scare him away. I was desperately trying to keep him at my side as it is, if he left me now I wasn't sure how I could handle that. He already figured out too much, was it enough to make him want to leave me? Who knows. He has to realize how troublesome I'm going to be, I always have been. So why would he choose to stick around even if I caused him so many problems? 

Eren's voice pulled me back into reality, "Armin? Are you okay?" He was waving his hand in front of my face. I had to lie to him, as much as I hated it. I couldn't let him know how messed up I was, I couldn't scare him away. It was selfish, I know, but I needed him. 

I put on a fake smile, "Yeah, I'm feeling much better now, thank you," I could only hope that I sounded convincing enough that he wouldn't question me. He looked suspicious, eyeing me up and down for any sign that I was lying. But I sat still, and held the smile on my face. 

"Okay..." He accepted my answer, though I knew he wasn't fully convinced. I probably had to be more careful around him now. 

I could feel the distance slowly growing between us, and the further apart we got the more it hurt. I never liked keeping secrets, especially from Eren. He knew all of my deepest secrets, all of the important ones. Yet now, it seemed as if I was living a lie, that all he knew was the secrets that I was living off of. I knew that sooner or later he would figure me out, and the fear of that day only continue to build in the pit of my stomach. I ignored it though, saving that thought for another day. 

I slid off the bed and stretched my limbs with my back facing him, "I'm starving, do you want anyth-" I cut myself off when I turned around to see Eren very obviously checking me out. A blush began to burn my face, and yet he only gave me a mischievous grin. 

I was confused by this, until he jumped up from he bed and leaned close to me, "I'll make us some popcorn and then we can watch a scary movie together," he turned away, without giving me a choice in the matter even though he knew how much I hated scary movies. Not that I had much time to think about it, because as he walked away he gave me a playful, yet hard, slap to the butt, causing me to let out an embarrassing squeal. 

He walked down the hall and into the kitchen, laughing the whole way, and leaving me standing in my room like a blushing mess. It was amazing how much emotional control he seemed to have over me. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down, before walking out into the kitchen to join him. 

He was crouching in front of the tv stand looking through movies while popcorn was cooking in the microwave. I plopped down onto one of my old worn out brown couches and waited for Eren to choose a movie. In only a few moments, he flew up into a standing position, triumphantly holding my case of the SAW movies over his head. 

"I knew you would still have these! You even tried to hide them," he grinned at me, causing me to bury my face in my hands and groan. 

I absolutely hated those movies , ever since he forced me to watch them with him as a child. They always terrified me and left my with weeks of sleepless nights, and when I did sleep the nightmares seemed never ending. They were full of two things that I could not stand, anything scary, and gore. The movies were terrifying enough to begin with, but then they revolved around gore, of course I'd hate them. Ever second of watching them made me want to bawl my eyes out while throwing up all over the ground. I could already tell that this movie break he had planned was not going to be as fun as it originally had seemed to be. So much for cuddling on the couch while eating popcorn and watching a movie together. 

I'd probably be clinging onto him for dear life the whole time, or burying my face to avoid seeing the gore and deaths in the movie. He probably did that on purpose though, already sure of what my reaction would be to the horrible movies. 

He put the disk in and turned everything on. Just then the microwave beeped, signaling our food was ready and he hurried over to throw it into a bowl as the movie loaded. He threw himself down next to me just in time, pulling a fluffy red blanket over the both of us and placing the bowl of popcorn in his lap. I tried not to think about how close we were sitting, or how dark the house was with all the lights off and all of the curtains closed. But most of all, I tried not to think about what I was letting myself watch. I could already tell that tonight would be fun, and by fun I mean spent awake and in constant fear of somebody kidnapping me and putting me through the same trials as in the movie. Not that it would ever happen, but that wouldn't stop me from being afraid. 

Right away I was wrapping around Eren's arm, occasionally burying my face between him and the couch whenever I got scared. Eventually I just gave up on watching all together, and settled for watching Eren instead. The way his face morphed as he reacted, or the way he'd squint and furrow his eyebrows every time something made him nervous, honestly it was kind of cute. That was until he caught me staring. 

My stomach instantly dropped but I couldn't force myself to look away. Our gazed stayed locked together as he slowly leaned down towards me. But suddenly he stopped, and shook his head, looking back up to watch the movie. I was left confused, still waiting for the feeling of the soft touch of his lips, but I never got it. 

Once the movie ended, he told me he had to go, telling me that he'd see me at school tomorrow. I believed him, I knew I'd see him again, yet for some reason as he walked out the front door the ache in my chest grew stronger. I didn't want him to walk away, to leave me here with nothing but my own thoughts. But I understood, he has to go back to his family.

The next day when I sat waiting on the frozen bench, watching my hot breath swirl in front of me with each exhale, he never came. I never heard his loud footsteps, or his cheery morning greetings. He didn't wrap his scarf around me, telling me that I'd get sick of I kept wearing such thin clothing. Not even Mikasa showed up to tell me that he got sick from walking home late at night when it was so cold outside. She didn't show up to tell me that he was skipping, or that he had to go somewhere with his mom or dad. I was left sitting alone, until the yellow bus stopped in front of me, waiting for me to get on. 

He wasn't waiting for me on the bus, his seat was empty. So I sat alone in the back, watching the scenery instead of looking over to see what Eren was doing. I closed my eyes, hoping to get some sleep after a long restless night, but that didn't happen. The warm bus wasn't enough to soothe the fear growing within me. I couldn't stop all of the thoughts telling me what might have happened to Eren.

Maybe he got kidnapped while walking home, even though the roads around here a usually deserted, but that's the best place to kidnap someone. Or he got lost, and is still wandering around the frozen woods as I sit on this warm bus. He could have tripped and knocked himself unconscious, slowly dying in the middle of no where on the cold damp ground, by himself. 

All these situations ran through my head, I saw the horrible images every time I closed my eyes. Yet somehow, when he bus arrived at school, sitting against the brick building was two figures. Figures that I've seen throughout my entire life. I think that was the fastest I had ever got off the bus, more enthusiastic to be at school than I'd ever been previously. The world had gone from a dull gray to bursting with vivid colors just at the sight of Eren. 

I walked up to them, more like ran, unable to stop the smile from taking over my face at the sight of the duo. "Happy to see me Armin?" Eren smirked as he stood up.

I smirked as well, "not you, I only missed Mikasa," I wrapped my arm around her strong frame and she laughed at the Eren's disappointed face. "By the way, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better now," she shrugged, playing the the bottom of her silky red scarf, "I probably shouldn't take this off again any time soon though." 

"I told you not to!" Eren said, crossing his arms.

"I know, but it does have to be cleaned sometimes," Mikasa said, smiling as she ruffled his brown hair. 

Just then, the bell rang and people began rushing to their classrooms. Eren was already walking off as well with Mikasa right beside him, "I'll see you in French!" Eren called back to me. I nodded and turned around to walk to my own class. 

Third period rolled around faster than I would have liked it to. It wasn't like I didn't like French, I enjoyed the class plus Eren was in it. But just this morning I had realized something; Eren and I will have to present the dialogue we made together. Though, even if it may not be today that we do it, I still have to expect the worse. I have to be prepared for whatever this class throws at me and yet, there was no way for me to prepare for an oral presentation. 

I sat in my chair waiting for Eren, my light leg relentlessly bouncing underneath the desk. Everything seemed to be moving in hyper-speed, and my brain just couldn't keep up. I entered the class, Eren entered a while after, the bell rang, Levi quieted us and finally, he began to speak. I could barely focus in his words as they all blurred together in a weird sort of mumble, even if he always had perfect diction. 

But somehow I knew exactly what he was telling us, we were continuing to present the dialogues. Really, this shouldn't have been a problem, I knew ours and I was ready. Yet I still was sitting here shaking, unable to control my body as it spiraled out of control. His voiced echoed in the back of my head, taunting me with every word, "You will have the first fifteen minutes of class to review, and then we will begin." My body relaxed at these words, and the world seemed to become clear again. Everything seemed okay until Levi added, "And of course, Armin and Eren! Since you boys were kind enough to grace us with your presence, you can go first! That is all," with that he sat down in his chair and began reviewing papers. A few people chuckled at his comment about us. Not that I was able to pay much attention to that, my mind was gone again, too busy searching over every escape route possible to notice.

I rested my head in my hands, pushing the heels of them against my eyes in an attempt to calm myself down. I knew I was getting far more worked up than I should have been, but I was far too afraid to care. Public speaking had always been hard for me, I couldn't even raise my hand to ask to go to the restroom. Now I was being forced to stand in front of a room full of people that either hated me or didn't even know my name, and speak a dialogue in a language that I was struggling to understand. The only thing I could think about was how much they'd all be judging me as I stood before them, it was like I was on death row. Though right about now, I knew I'd rather be hung than have to do this, not that I had a choice. Of course I could always refuse to do it and get a zero, but that would give Eren a zero too and I couldn't do that to him. 

"Hey, earth to Armin! Are you okay over there?" Eren asked from next to me. I was brought back to reality, following the sound of his light voice, letting it lead me away from my thoughts and my fears. I looked up at him, my glossy swollen eyes staring into his own, worried turquoise orbs. "Hey, it'll be okay, we practiced this remember?" 

His words did nothin to calm me down as I looked around to see everyone else confidently practicing with their own partners. "I don't think I can do this," I whispered. 

"Don't worry about everyone else," he told me, pulling my attention back to him. "When we get up there, pretend it's just you and me, like in your room," the thought of what happened that night caused me to blush, though it did successfully pull my mind away from the more pressing matters at hand. 

"Okay...," I nodded, "okay, I can do this," I said more confidently this time. 

But that proved to be a lie when after fifteen minutes flew by, we were called to the front. It really did feel like I was about to be hung as I walked up behind Eren. I expected to look down to see shackles around my wrist and our ankles chained together. But all I saw were my shaking hands and my old sneakers dragging themselves against the tiled floor. I couldn't even hide my face now that my hair was short, and the gazes of everyone in the class burned more than usual.

Once we were in front of the class, we waited for directions from Levi, since neither of us really knew what to do. Levi cleared his throat and spoke up, putting on his glasses in the process, "Start whenever you're ready." 

Eren looked at me and nodded, trying to calm me down the best he could. He started his line, but as my vision became blurry, so did his words. Suddenly the room was spinning, and my vision was going black around the edges. The last thing I heard before my weak body hit the floor was Eren's worried voice calling out me. But he seemed so far away, his voice distant like he was calling from miles away, it echoed in my head. Until all of the sound around me was gone, and I was left in my own cocoon of darkness and warmth. I relished the silence, and the way my body had drastically calmed down all of a sudden. It was like I was floating on clouds.

I wasn't sure how long I was like that for, it's hard to keep track of time in that state. But after awhile, I came to, looking around to see nothing but white. White everywhere, to my right, directly in front of me, to my left. Well besides the blurry blob of color to my left, that grew closer when I looked at it. It spoke to me, but I couldn't understand what it was saying. I tried to focus my vision but it only caused me to become lightheaded, and I had to lay back for a few moments. 

Eventually I was able to open my eyes again, and this time my vision had become more clear. Though I was pretty sure I was still seeing double. Looking back to my left, I saw Eren staring at me with wide unblinking eyes. He was sitting in a chair next to the bed I was in, leaning his elbows on his knees and wrapping his hands together in a tight ball. He wasn't saying anything, only watching, waiting to see what I would do. 

I tried to speak but my voice cracked instantly, and I had to take a sip of the cold water sitting on the bedside table. I tried again, this attempt much quieter, "Where am I?"

Eren blinked a few times and sat back, rubbing the back of his neck, "Do you not remember what happened?" I shook my head in confusion. "Well, you passed out when we were presenting in French. So now... You're in the school infirmary."

I furrowed by eyebrows, instantly doubting what he told me. I didn't remember any of it happening, it all seemed like a made up joke, but here I was sitting in the nurses office. "How long have I been asleep for?"

"About two periods, it's lunch time right now."

"Aren't you supposed to be eating then? Are you skipping lunch to sit in here with me?" I asked, suddenly more worried about him that what apparently happened to me. He only shrugged in response. "Eren! You really need to eat, that's not healthy!"

"I'll be fine... I'll just eat in fifth period if I have to," he said with a reassuring smile. I was about to tell him to just leave me, that I'm fine, and to go eat. But I was interrupted by another voice. 

"Is he awake yet?" The voice asked and the man walked around the corner. I looked up to see my French teacher, Levi Ackerman, standing at the end of my bed. "Well I'll take that as a yes," he nodded in my direction. 

Suddenly, I felt an embarrassed flush creep onto my cheeks, realizing that I had passed out in front of the entire class. "M-Mr. Ackerman! I-I'm so sorry for causing you trouble! I was really nervous but I didn't think I'd pass out..." I trailed off, looking away from both pairs of eyes that were now staring at me. Though I could still feel the pressure of being under the two gazes. 

To my surprise, I heard a chuckle from the man in front of my bed. He didn't give us any time to say anything though, because he started talking right away afterwords. "Don't be sorry, brat, I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose," I shook my head at that, obviously I didn't. "Though, if you were that scared I don't know why you wouldn't tell me, you could have done it another time, not in front of the class."

"I guess I just wanted to get it over with. I know I'm not very good at speaking in front of people, but I don't normally get that nervous," I shook my head at myself, regretting even coming to school today. 

"A lot of people have that problem. Honestly, you just need to stop worrying about what other people think, that's all there is to it. Half the time they don't care, they're just as nervous to present as you are. When you get that nervous, just remember that you aren't the center of the universe, they're not gonna waste their time scrutinizing everything you do. So stoping basing your actions off of other people, because they don't care. You might think they do, but when it comes down to it, you're just another kid trying to learn. Just, stop worrying about them," Levi finished with a click of his tongue.

Both of us were left silent at his words. Not even Eren had a come back for that, which was surprising in itself. Though much less surprising than the fact that Levi, of all people, just reassured me in his own little way. We had gotten life advice from the most unexpected person, and it had stunned us both into complete silence. I'm pretty sure I was even holding my breath, the only way I could respond to his words was with a slow nod of my head. Levi only shook his head, and clicked his tongue again. He began to walk away, saying one last thing before he disappeared around the curtain, "You can do the dialogue another time. Get some rest, brat."

"Did that seriously just happen?" Eren asked after a long pause. 

"I-I think it did," I responded. We looked at each other, breaking out into laughter at the arbitrary situation we were in. It was all so strange and I almost couldn't believe that any of it was happening, and yet here I was. 

I leaned back, staring at the ceiling, listening to the quiet noises from people shuffling around outside of my room. It felt like something was pounding against my skull, but I barely noticed the pain. Eren was enough of a distraction that the pain was dulled, every part of my body focused on him instead. Without even looking at him, I took in his presence, enjoying having him next to me. 

"Hey," Eren spoke quietly, "do you wanna come to my house after school? My mom says she misses you bunches, plus we could hang out for awhile."

I didn't even think before responding, "Yeah, I haven't been over in awhile anyways."

It had been years since the last time I was at Eren's house, I stopped visiting some time during the beginning of middle school. After my parents left me, I became even more antisocial than I originally was. I never made an effort to be around people, though every fiber of my being craved Eren's presence. I could spend the rest of my life with him and not get tired of it. Somehow, being around Eren was more soothing than being alone. It almost scared me. 

"Good, you can come straight over after we get off the bus, or you can go home first if you want. It's up to you," Eren was leaning his arms on the edge of my bed, effectively bringing himself closer to my face. 

"I'll just go to your house when we get off, it's easier that way," I shrugged, causing a sharp pain to shoot through my body, but I ignored it. I can't imagine how sore I'll be by tomorrow, I could already feel the effects of the fall now and it hadn't even been that long. 

Suddenly the bell rang, meaning that Eren would have to go to class. "Can you stay with me?" I asked without even thinking, apparently my mind had gotten jumbled when my head hit the ground. I couldn't even find it in myself to get embarrassed from asking that question. 

Eren stood up and stretched, and I felt immediate disappointment, "I really have to go to class," he leaned forward, kissing the top of my head. I quickly pulled the blanket over my face to hide the blush that had crept onto my cheeks. "And you need to get some rest, I'll see you after school okay?" I nodded, causing him to smile. He left with a gentle wave of his hand, and I could only stare at his back as he walked away. 

One thought continued to stain my mind, even after Eren left. I was falling for him, and I was falling hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed. Any type of feedback is always appreciated!


	6. He Said Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an early update! I love this chapter, and I've already planned the next ten chapters! I'm so excited for where this fic is going. I hope you all are too!

The rest of the day at school, I had spent sleeping in the quiet infirmary. Occasionally someone would stop in, but otherwise it was as if I was alone the whole time. Not caring, or even feeling well enough to go to my remaining classes, I decided to just rest as much as possible. Even though the classes that I was missing were most of my core classes, it wasn't anything that I couldn't make up so I wasn't going to worry about it. I was more worried about my current situation with Eren. 

I knew I liked him, there was no point in trying to deny that fact any longer. I knew Eren liked me too, he had even said that he wanted to be in a relationship. Thinking about it, I really wanted to be in one too, even though it may seem to be the opposite sometimes. But, I also wanted to do what was best for Eren. How was I supposed to be in a healthy relationship with him when I was in this sort of state. I promised myself that I wouldn't show him all the dark sides of me, I just couldn't let him see them. But that meant lying to him, and I couldn't base our relationship off of lies, that wasn't fair to Eren. So ultimately I had to either forget about a strong relationship and keep lying to him, or show Eren the truth and possibly lose him. 

It was yet another situation where all of the outcomes seemed unfavorable for me. I had thought about it the whole time I spent awake in the nurses office, unable to get the thoughts out of my mind. I tried to force myself to think about something else, but it was to no avail. These thoughts would torture me until I finally came to a solution. 

The final bell rang, signaling that seventh period was over, and that it was time to go home. I got up, stretching my limbs that had gone stiff from not moving for a few hours. Grabbing my backpack, I checked out of the nurses office and began making my way towards the bus loop. The halls were crowded with kids, all trying to push their way through to get to their own destination. I let the crowd pull me towards the buses, there was no use fighting it when there were so many people, most of which were much bigger than I was. 

I spotted the two people I was searching for as soon as I made it to the bus loop. Eren and Mikasa were leaning against an old brick wall, Mikasa shaking her head while Eren looked as if he were defending himself. I laughed as he waved his hands around in exasperation. 

The noise startled the pair, causing them to turn around to see where the sound came from. They both instantly smiled when they recognized who I was. "Hey Armin, are you feeling any better?" Eren walked over and put an arm around my waist, guiding me to the spot that Mikasa was currently standing in. 

"I-I'm okay, my head still hurts a little, but it's getting better." I had leaned into his touch without realizing it, as if it was the natural thing to do.

"That's good, we probably have something you can take for your head. I don't want you to be in pain," Eren pouted. Mikasa was smirking at us, causing confusion to take over my own features. Eren noticed this and turned to look at her, seeing her smirk he asked, "What? What's that look for?" He sounded defensive, his fingers had tightened on my hip, almost painfully.

"Oh nothing..." She trailed off, even though we all knew that it wasn't just nothing. 

"Don't lie," Eren playfully shoved her shoulder with his free hand, causing her to stumble to the side, "Why were you looking at us like that?"

Mikasa shoved Eren back much harder, causing him to fall into me, his arm wrapping tighter against my waist. I was pressed between him and the wall, our faces only a few inches apart. But instead of looking at me, Eren had turned to send a glare to Mikasa, as if attempting to burn her with his eyes. Mikasa only chuckled, as she pointed her finger at us stating, "You guys are a thing now." There was no question, she was completely sure that we were dating. 

Eren's eyes widened and he looked at me for help. I could only stand there looking at Mikasa in interest; how did she come to that conclusion? "No we're not! We're just friends," Eren practically yelled.

Mikasa crossed her arms and squinted, "it doesn't look that way." She was obviously eyeing the arm that Eren still had wrapped tightly around me. 

He pulled away as soon as he noticed though, and I mourned the loss. "We're just friends Mikasa," there was an edge to his voice, one that was warning her not to say anything else about the topic. Her eyes softened in understanding, he would probably explain it all to her later when I wasn't around, not that I minded. 

I tried to change the topic in an attempt to relieve some of the tension in the freezing air, "Did I miss much in seventh?" Seventh period was the only class that all three of us had together. 

"We watched a video, and then did nothing," Eren shrugged, his sudden bad mood was obvious. I wasn't going to say anything though, he probably had his reasons. 

I fidgeted in place, trying to think of a way to get a conversation going. But before I was able to do that, the bus arrived. I almost sighed in relief, quickly pushing myself off the wall and making my way to the bus. Eren and Mikasa followed close behind, both staying completely silent. I was almost regretting my choice to go over Eren's, but there was no turning back now. I could only hope that he would be okay by the time that we made it to his house.

The bus ride was silent for the three of us, Eren and I sat in our normal seats. Though while he stared out the window, refusing to look our way, I was observing everything around me. Mikasa sat in her usual seat in front of Eren, facing forward the whole ride home even though she would normally turn to talk to us. I wasn't sure exactly what was going on between the two, what I had missed, but I was getting extremely tired of the thick silence that was swallowing us. Or maybe it was just me, and they didn't think anything of it. But they were acting so strange, so it couldn't be that.

When the bus made it to our stop, Eren was the first off. He instantly flew out of his seat to rush down the isle while Mikasa and I followed a bit slower. Mikasa's hands had balled into tight fist, her knuckles turning white. That's when the worry truly set in, she was getting serious, and angry, about this. 

Eren hadn't waited for us once he got off, instead he quickly turned in the direction of his house and began walking away. By then, Mikasa had lost her composure, more like her will to keep quiet when Eren was acting this way, "Hey! Dickwad! Where do you think you're going?" She shouted as his back. 

He didn't turn around to respond but yelled back as he trudged away, "Home!"

Mikasa sighed heavily, and I backed off, walking slightly behind her. She picked up the pace, stomping heavily as she made her way next to Eren, grabbing his shoulder to stop him. I came to a quick halt, doing my best not to run into either of them and interrupt the conversation. Eren only shook her tight grip off, but he still stayed in place, willing to hear what she had to say. "What the hell is your problem?" She asked angrily. 

"What do you mean, I don't have a problem," Eren muttered stubbornly. I wasn't sure if I was ready for the argument that was about to ensue. 

"What do I mean? Are you serious? You've been an asshole ever since we left the damn school, it's pretty obvious that you have a problem-" she had stepped closer, jabbing her pointer finger into his chest, "-so either speak up or cut it out." She was glaring directly at Eren, who returned the glare just as furiously.

He grabbed her hand, throwing it away from his chest. "I've been an asshole? You've got to be kidding me! I'm not the one who thinks it's okay to butt in to every single part of your life! This may be hard to believe, but some things are personal Mikasa, you don't have to know everything! It's my damn life and I'm going to live it however the hell I want to!" He was seething with anger, eyes lit with pure fury.

Mikasa was stunned into silence, stepping back to put a large gap in between the two of them. I glanced at both of their faces, Mikasa wore a blank expression, while Eren's was still one of complete irritation. Suddenly she backed down, saying "I'll see you at home," as she walked away with a single wave of her pale hand.

Eren huffed, his breath visible in the cold outside air, but said nothing else about the matter. I wasn't sure what to do, so I took a chance at speaking with him. "Are you okay?"

He sighed, but turned to me with a very obviously forced smile, "Yeah, it's okay. We fight like this all the time, don't worry about it." Though when he said this I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself. I nodded anyways, letting myself trust his word. 

When we arrived at his house, there was no sign of Mikasa. Instead, I was greeted by Mrs.Jaeger, who cheerfully ran over to give me a tight hug. "Armin! It's been so long, you've grown so much! How have you been doing?" She held my shoulders, waiting for my response. 

"It's nice to see you Mrs. Jaeger. I've been doing well, thank you."

She laughed, gently slapping my shoulder. "Still as formal as ever. You know you can just call me Carla, I think we've known each other long enough now. Anyways, take off your jacket, dinner will be done shortly. I'll call you when it's ready," she gave a gentle smile before saying, "It really is nice to see you again Armin."

I blushed at that, but wasn't given time to respond otherwise. After taking off my coat, I hung it up and put my backpack back on. Eren immediately grabbed my hand, dragging me upstairs to his room. We still hadn't seen Mikasa which worried me, but I didn't let it bother me too much. Eren said it would be fine, plus it's something that they need to work out, not me. 

When we reached his room, Eren flopped face first onto his bed, letting out a loud frustrated groan. He started rambling into his sheets, but I couldn't understand any of the muffled words. I heard the end of it, when Eren lifted his head, "She thinks she's entitled to know everything about me, but she isn't. It's my life, not hers," he let his face fall back onto the bed, groaning even louder this time, it was almost a growl. He punched the springy mattress as if that would help his anger dissipate.

I put my bag on his floor, leaning it against the wall, and sat on the bed next to him, sighing, "Eren, I know this isn't for me to say but... Don't you think you were just a little harsh on her?"

Eren propped himself up on his elbows and scoffed, "Me? Hard on her? I think you have it backwards," he was glaring at the wall. Like somehow it would go through and reach Mikasa who was probably in her room, which was next to his own. 

"She's probably just trying to help. Even if it gets annoying, I don't think you should get mad at her. She really does care about you."

His features softened, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "You're right," he whispered. His eyes were full of pain when he opened them, but it quickly faded away.

We sat in silence for a few moments, I wasn't sure what to say after that. The silence was beginning to become uncomfortable, until Eren lifted him self up and sat against the wall. He stared at me intently, as if he were contemplating something. 

"Do you like me?" He asked suddenly, his features staying blank.

I was taken aback with surprise, "Of course I like you, we're best friends."

"No, I mean as more than friends."

"I..." How was I supposed to respond to that? The question came out of the blue and practically smacked me in the face. Of course I did, but how was I supposed to tell him that?

"You don't have to answer, I was just wondering," his face still didn't give any clues as to what he was thinking. 

I should've taken the chance that he gave me, it was the perfect way to escape. I could've gotten away with not answering, and we could've forgotten about this. But of course I had to open my stupid mouth, answering without thinking it through. "No, it's okay, I just wasn't expecting you to ask that."

Eren raised an eyebrow in interest, "Oh? So then is that a yes or a no?"

I fidgeted with the bottom of my shirt, obviously uncomfortable under his intense gaze. I tried to calm myself down, telling myself that he wouldn't care either way, but I knew that wasn't true. It only served to work me up even more. I knew that if I didn't answer now I'd probably have another break down, two in one day would not be good. That's hard to recover from. I sighed, looking at the sheets. "Y-Yeah.... I like you."

When I looked up, I was surprised by Eren's own astonished expression, "Really? I honestly wasn't expecting that." I shrugged, looking away from him again. Why did talking about this have to be so awkward? Normally I was completely comfortable around him, but this subject always turned me into a blushing, nervous mess. "Well, uh... This probably isn't the best time to ask but um... If I don't do it now I probably never will," he let out a single pathetic laugh, "So yeah, will you be my boyfriend?" 

A million thoughts had run through my head at that exact moment, every single one flashing a large danger sign in bright florescent lights. Yet, I didn't listen to my thoughts, for once I didn't let them control me. "Yeah, I'd like that." 

Eren smiled wide, and I smiled back, unable to hide my sudden happiness. I wasn't sure where it came from; it was like a wave of delight hit me as soon as I spoke those four words. We stared at each other, both enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. 

Eren leaned forward, pulling me into his strong arms, "I'm so glad," he whispered. He held me close to him, my head laying on his chest. Im not sure how long we were like that for, I would've been happy if we stayed there forever. But I guess all good things must come to an end. 

Suddenly his door flew open, and Carla walked in saying, "I've been trying to call you guys down. But dinners-" she instantly cut herself off when she saw the way we where laying, "-woah." 

I scrambled to get away from Eren, practically falling off the edge of his bed. My face was burning so badly I was sure it was on fire. Maybe if it was I could have been consumed by the flames. Then I at least wouldn't have to deal with the embarrassment of his mother finding us like that. I could only be glad that we hadn't gone any further than simple cuddling, I'm sure I would've died from a heart attack if she saw anything else. 

"Im guessing he said yes?" Carla asked with a large smile. I whipped my head towards Eren in bewilderment. Did he seriously tell her that he was going to ask me out? 

Eren smirked, nodding his head, "He said yes." 

I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at anyone in the room. They had both been in on it, what would she have done if I said no? There's no point in thinking about it now, especially since the only think I could currently think of is how utterly embarrassed I was. 

"That's great! Good thing I made dessert!" Not even that made me budge, it was like I was stuck in a state of trying to make my entire existence disappear. "Don't be embarrassed Armin, I thought it was cute," Carla tried to reassure me.

I looked up and shook my head with wide eyes. Eren laughed, throwing an arm around me, "So did I." 

Carla smiled, "Well dinners ready, so you two come down soon okay?" 

"We will mom," Eren nodded at her. She left, shutting the door behind her quietly. 

"Why did you tell your mom!?" I instantly asked, practically yelling. Things could've gone so much worse if I had said no. Nothing like, oh hey Mrs. Jaeger, I haven't been over for years and I just rejected your son, but thanks for dinner. I scoffed at that thought, shaking my head. 

"I didn't know who else to tell, I couldn't trust anyone else not to tell you," Eren shrugged, "I wanted it to be a surprise." 

"Well it definitely surprised me."

"I'm glad to hear it worked," he smirked, "come on, let's go get dinner," he slid off the bed, pulling me behind him by my wrist, his hand easily wrapped around it. Eren took my hand as we walked out of the room. My first instinct was to pull away, but I fought it. This would be normal from now on, so I'd have to get used to it. 

I was nervous at how the rest of his family would react, but Eren seemed okay with openly displaying our relationship. Not that I minded, I was glad that he wanted to show everyone that I was his. It was nice, I never wanted to let go of his warm hand once I got used to holding it, so I didn't. Not even when we sat down at the dinner table. Mr. Jaeger was at the head of the table, while Eren and I sat on the long side.

"So he said yes?" Grisha suddenly asked.

"He was in on it too?!" I asked in exasperation. Who didn't know about this, was it just me? How could I be so clueless? I should have noticed everyone acting strange around me, but our friends have just been going on about their lives as normal. Maybe he only told his parents, that would make sense since he wanted to keep it a secret. They were the only two who had no way of telling me.

Eren rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand nervously, "Yeah, I kind of told him too," he turned to his father, "he said yes." 

"That's wonderful news," Grisha smiled cheerfully, "I'm happy for the both of you."

"Thank you Mr. Jaeger," I said quietly. We sat in an awkward silence, which only grew worse when Mikasa sat down across from Eren. The tension in the air was thick, but Eren squeezed my hand, which he held under the table, reassuringly. The silence was only broken when Carla began bringing out the food. It smelled so good that my mouth began watering. It also may have been because of the fact that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. 

We all thanked her for the meal and began eating. Unsurprisingly, it was just as good as it had smelled. By the time we were all stuffed, she brought out dessert. Even though I knew that I had no room left in my stomach, I ate dessert as well. It was even better than dinner. By the time I finished eating, I was spread across the couch, stuck in some sort of food high. I always forgot how amazing her cooking was, it definitely never disappointed.

Eren leaned over the couch, chuckling at the state I was in. I stared at him with lidded eyes, unable to open them fully. My body was screaming for me to fall asleep right there, but I knew that I should be going home. I stayed long enough and I had school tomorrow. It was getting late anyways, so I had to get home before it got too dark outside. 

I sat up, even though my body was begging me to stay in place. Stretching my arms I said, "I should probably go home now." 

Immediately I heard Carla's surprised voice call from the kitchen doorway, "What? You're not staying the night?"

"Well... I didn't bring any clothes or anything..." I trailed off, awkwardly standing up to face her.

"You can just borrow mine, I don't mind," Eren said, pulling my attention to him. "It's not like they'll be too small," he snickered. I smacked his arm, sending a playful glare and mouthing 'haha' sarcastically. 

"Don't feel forced to stay, but we'd love to have you over for the night," Carla called, walking back into the kitchen to finish cleaning the dishes from dinner. 

I sighed, already knowing that there was no point in arguing with them. Even though she had said don't feel forced, we all knew that they were pressuring me into staying. I didn't mind, I wanted to stay with Eren. I didn't want to leave his side, and this would only give me more time to spend with him. "Fine, I'll stay." 

He smiled grabbing my hand and practically pulling me over the couch to bring me to his room. "You can put the PJs on now," even though he was turned away I could hear the smirk in his voice. 

Eren gave me a baggy long-sleeved black shirt, along with baggy gray jogging pants. Well, they were baggy on me, on a Eren they probably would've fit correctly. The pants were so long on me that I had to roll the ends of them up. The shirts sleeves covered my hands, but I didn't mind any of it. It was warmer than most of the clothes I had, so it was a nice change. Eren seemed to be enjoying it far too much though. He was practically grinning from ear to ear, obviously happy with the way that his clothes fit me. 

I blushed, covering my face. The material was soft against my cheek, and it still had Eren's lingering scent. "Stop looking at me like that," I whined, my voice slightly muffled from the shirt.

"But you're so adorable," he stepped closer, resting his hands on my hips. "Will you please uncover your face?"

"No!"

"Why not?" He sighed disappointedly, "I won't look at you like that anymore I promise, so please?" His sweet voice was convincing, and I let my rigid body relax, though my hands stayed in place. Eren moved his own hands, gently grabbing my wrist to uncover my face, cheeks still tinted a rosey pink. He was still smiling, but it was a fond smile. He took in my features for a few moments, "You're so beautiful." 

"W-what," my eyes grew wide and I shook my head in embarrassment, "E-Eren, you can't just say things like that!"

"Huh?" He furrowed his eyebrows, eyes lit with a strong emotion that I couldn't recognize. "But it's true, I'm not just going to lie. You really are beautiful Armin, everything about you."

I leaned against him, burying my face in his chest, "Stop being so perfect," it was a soft whisper, I wasn't sure if he even heard what I had said. He wrapped his strong arms around me anyways, holding me closer to him. I slowly shut my eyes, enjoying the heat radiating off of his body. I could've stood there with him forever, but he had other plans.

"Come on," Eren let go, leaning over to scoop my into his arms. I squealed, instantly wrapping my own arms around his neck just in case he accidentally dropped me. I knew he was strong enough to carry me, but being held that high still made me nervous. He brought me over to his bed, gently setting me down on the side closest to the wall, before he laid down next to me. We sat in silence, listening to everyone else move around the house as they got ready for bed. It was getting dark outside, and I could see faint stars speckling the sky from his bedroom window. Just beneath them was the old tree house that sat in the tallest tree in his yard. The light wind outside ruffled the leaves of the tree.

Beyond that was the city, the place of my dreams. The beautiful lights that held promises of a better future, somewhere that I could finally live happily. It was so close, yet so far out of my reach. Seeing the joyful lights taunting me was discouraging, but at the same time it only made me want to try harder. I knew that one day I'd be among those lights, that the years I spent here struggling to escape would all be worth it. One day, I would be able to leave this all behind and move on. That was my one reason for living, for fighting.

Eren must have seen the faraway look in my eyes. He grabbed my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb as he spoke, "You make me so happy." Those words made my stomach drop. I had just been thinking about leaving, but looking at what I had, I wasn't sure if I ever could leave. I finally had an invested relationship with someone, and he meant the world to me. I wasn't sure if I could ever hurt Eren by leaving him behind, just like people had done to me throughout my life. I knew that pain, it was one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Especially not Eren, he meant far too much for me to hurt him like that.

I closed my eyes, trying to wash away the thoughts of the city, "You make me happy too." I could hear the lack of emotion in my voice as I said that, it sounded like a lie. I knew it wasn't of course, but I couldn't find it in myself to try to sound more convincing. I had emotionally drained myself in the matter of moments, it was pathetic. 

Eren must have noticed though. He pulled me against him, gently cuddling me. "Are you okay?" He asked in a soft tone, running his fingers through the longer parts of my hair. It broke my heart how sweet he was to me, even when I had become so emotionally disconnected from him. 

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was just thinking," I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut harder, as if that would erase my thoughts. I hated myself for wanting to leave him, yet at the same time that was the only thing I ever really wanted. To escape this town and make a better life for myself.

Suddenly the realization hit me, it was something I had never even thought about before. Growing up my only goal was to leave, to move on. It was what I had wanted more than anything. Yet, thinking about it know, there was something that I craved far more than leaving this place, than making a new life for myself. I wanted, no, I needed Eren. He was more important than changing my life, he already did change my life for me. Everyday, I'm slowly noticing the difference; how happy he makes me, the confidence I'm gaining, and so much more. Eren makes living here more tolerable. My location, my life style; none of it matters when I'm with Eren. 

I smiled, speaking again, "I'm okay. When I'm with you, everything's okay."

He must have noticed the sudden change I'm my demeanor, his entire body relaxed against my own. He snuggled against me, not responding. Eren was content with that answer, with the way that I had solved the problem on my own, before he even knew what it was. When I was around him, things made sense, I could work out my own problems. Everything just clicked into place like it was meant to be this way, the world just felt better. What I had told him; it wasn't a lie. Everything really is okay as long as he is by my side. 

His bedroom door suddenly burst open, Carla coming in after it. "Hey boys! Since Armin is staying..." She paused and we both looked up at her, not moving otherwise. "Well, I guess I really need to learn to knock," she laughed, leaning against the doorframe. "Anyways, since Armin I staying over I thought that you two could stay home tomorrow. You know, as some sort of first day together honeymoon type of thing," Carla grinned.

"Mom," Eren groaned, "that's so sappy though."

Her grin fell, and she instantly took on a more serious tone, "So are you saying that you'd rather go to school then?" 

Eren sprang into sitting position, causing me to fall off of him. He waved his hands in front of him frantically, "No! No! That's not what I meant."

"Mhm, that's what I thought," she laughed, "I'm going to bed now though, goodnight boys!"

"Goodnight Mrs. Jaeger," I yawned, even though I didn't feel very tired, the plush bed was begging me to sleep.

Eren chuckled, " 'night mom, I'll see you in the morning."

"You two have fun, but not too much fun," she winked as she closed to door. Eren groaned again, running his hands down his face. It was kind of adorable, how close he was to his mom. Both of his parents, actually; it was sweet. 

I was glad that they all excepted us as a couple, and were even this excited for us. They seemed to want it to work out just as much as we did. This was definitely the type of my support I needed in my life, it was a nice change. 

Eren had seen that I was drifting off to sleep again. He leaned down draping the blankets over me and kissing the top of my head before whispering, "good night, sweet dreams." That was the last thing I heard until I fell into a deep sleep. And oh, I definitely had very, very sweet dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! These two dorks are finally together, Yayy!! Anyways, feedback is always appreciated!


	7. Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna post this yesterday but my wifi wasn't working *sigh*. But it's working now so yay! Anyways, I hope you all like chapter 7 ft. Armin's sweet dreams

Our heavy breaths filled the air, both of us struggling to stay quiet knowing that Eren's family was asleep in the other two rooms near his. His sweaty body was above my own, heat radiating off of him. He slowly slid down my body, hands running along my sides, sending sparks across my hot skin. He was hidden under the blankets that covered my lower half, making his way lower and lower. I fidgeted and whimpered, unable to wait any longer for his mouth to be on me, waiting was torture. My body was begging for him to take me, shaking with the thought of him pounding into me.

The second his warm lips wrapped around the head of my cock, I had to throw an arm over my mouth to muffle the strangled moan. I was being much louder than I should have, but I couldn't help it. My other hand gripped the bed, as I struggled to keep my hips still. Before I knew it, he was moving. Sinking further and further down my length, taking me into his warm mouth, until he made it down to the base. My back arched off the bed as I cried out, eyes squeezing shut as I fought to hold in the loud moan that threatened to spill out as he swallowed around me.

But suddenly his mouth was gone, he had moved his attention to my pale hip instead. Sucking and biting until a few visible marks were left behind. He did the same all the way up my torso, finally leaving a few spots on my neck. I forced my body to stay still, knowing that he was purposely taking his time, building me up. But I was ready to be torn down, I needed him more than I had needed anything else in my life. This was all that mattered now, he was all that matter.

Eren finally reached my lips, kissing me roughly before I had a chance to respond. I let his tongue take over my mouth, shivering beneath him as his long fingers lightly ran up and down my stomach, going lower and lower each time. I arched my back into him, needing him closer to me. He removed his hands to that he could quickly pour lube over his fingers, rubbing them together. 

Suddenly, his hand ducked under the covers and I felt a sharp pain at my hole; he had slid a single finger in. I pulled away from the kiss, squeezing my eyes shut as I let a whined escape my swollen lips. "Eren," I whimpered, "I need you."

"I know," he whispered in a husky voice, his arousal was obvious, "soon okay?" I nodded, panting, knowing that I had to wait only just a little longer.

I threw my head back, crying out as he pushed in another finger with out warning. My hands gripped his back, nails digging in as I let out harsh pants. I knew I had to relax, but the pain was unbearable. Eren bit my ear and sucked the skin just below it, distracting me from the pain as he began to move the two fingers inside of me. My body shook beneath him, not sure if I wanted him to keep going or stop and just fuck me already. 

My vision abruptly went white, as Eren brushed over something inside of me. I let out a loud moan, grinding my hips against his hand shamelessly, needing more, begging for him to brush over that spot again. He took this chance to push in a third finger, tears filling the corner of my eyes and falling down my face. He brushed away the wet tears with his thumb, smiling down at me. He moved his fingers in and out, stretching and curling them inside me. Once my body relaxed, Eren removed his fingers, and I whimpered at the unexpected loss, shifting underneath him.

He poured a large amount of lube in his hand again, quickly covering his cock with it. I whined, watching him work, excited that I was finally getting what I wanted. He looked down at me and smirked, causing a dark blush to spread across my cheeks, but I didn't look away. His heated gaze had me mesmerized. Eren lined himself up with my hole, looking into my eyes for a sign that it was okay. I nodded, needing him in me, there was no backing out of it now. I felt a sharp pressure and then...

I sat up, gasping loudly, struggling to catch my breath. I was sweaty, and panting heavily. Looking around the dim room, I realized that I was still at Eren's house. Next to me was his sleeping figure, long dark eyelashes rested against tan cheeks. His breathing was becoming unsteady, and I worried that I had accidentally woken him up. 

His eyes fluttered open, gazing at me through his lashes. He smiled, and pulled me down next to him, hugging me to his chest. "Did I wake you up?" I asked, concerned. 

"No, I was already awake. You were making the cutest noises in your sleep, but then you suddenly sat up," he said groggily, still tired from just waking up. My body tensed when I remembered the dream I was just having, I could only imagine the noises I was making. My face became hot as I felt a dark blush take over my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut in embarrassment, but I struggled to get the images of my dream out of my head.

"Sorry , I was having a really weird dream," I mumbled. I guess that was one thing to call it, even if I knew it was definitely more than just a simple weird dream. Finding out Connie and Sasha were my real parents could be considered a weird dream, one that I've sadly had more than once. But fucking my best friend, who also recently became my boyfriend, is probably not normally considered just a weird dream. 

"Want to talk about it," he rolled onto his side to look at me. My stomach dropped, and I instantly shook my head. 

"N-no that's okay, really," I let out a forced laugh, my eyes darting to look at anything but him. How could I tell him what I was actually dreaming about? What would he think? I didn't want to chance it, especially not the day after we started dating. Nothing says I'm ready for a strong healthy relationship like hey, I was having dirty dreams about you last night. We sat quietly for a few moments before I realized something, my heart sank in my chest. "Wait, uh... W-what type of noises was I making exactly?"

"Huh?" He raised an eyebrow, "just like whimpering noises I guess," he shrugged. I nodded, relieved that it wasn't anything worse than that. "It sounded like you were having a bad dream, so I got worried."

"No, it wasn't a bad dream." Definitely not a bad dream, just the opposite actually. 

"By the way," Eren started, shaking his head, "have you seen my phone? The last time I had it was when I was at your house, I might have left it there."

"I haven't seen it, but I can look for you when I get home."

Eren sighed and sat up, stretching his long arms above his head until his shoulder popped, "Thanks, it would really suck if I actually lost it." Looking over, I noticed that he changed clothes; he must have gotten on his sleepwear after I fell asleep. He was wearing black shorts with a white tank top, revealing the tan skin on his strong arms, legs, and shoulders. He turned around to face me, "Do you wanna go on a walk real quick?" 

I looked outside, assuming that it would still be too dark out for a walk. Instead the warm sun was rising far above the trees as the world came to life. We must have slept in much later than I assumed. I glanced over at his clock to see that it was, in fact, already 10:37 in the morning. Most days I'd only sleep in until about eight at the latest., but I guess I was just more tired than usual. I nodded, looking back out the window at the light blue sky, white clouds lightly wispped acrossed it, "Yeah sure."

I got up, following Eren down the stairs and past the dinning room, into the entryway. Carla called from behind us, "Good morning boys, would you like breakfast?" Eren left me without saying anything to go talk to his mother. They had a short conversation in the dinning room as I put on my sneakers, but they were speaking to quietly for me to be able to hear what was being said.

I stood up and grabbed my jacket, about to put it on. Just then Eren returned, and he quickly scolded me when he saw what I was holding, "No, no! Don't wear that one, it's too cold out for that! Here-" he threw one of his heavier black coats to me, "-wear this one instead." I caught the coat, thanking him as I put it on. I wasn't going to argue, even I could admit that it was becoming far too cold outside for me to keep wearing such a thin jacket. It held in no warmth, and I'd be freezing in no time. There was no way that I'd do that to myself if I still had the option to wear something much warmer. I wasn't even sure if I had better coats, but that was something to worry about another time.

Eren walked out the front door, holding it open for me to do the same. Neither of us had changed out of our pajamas, but it's not like anyone would see us like this anyways. The roads around here were usually deserted, since it was such a large neighborhood with barely any people living in it. Plus the trees from the forest surrounding each house kept everyone's business private, it was nice. Sometimes living out here got boring, and traveling was troublesome, but it was worth it. Living in peace and quiet, and so close to my best friend, what more could I ask for? I'd say it was one of the best places in Shigansina to live, not that there was many good places to choose from.

When I stepped out onto his front porch I noticed Mikasa sitting at the edge of it with her back turned to us. She blew on a steaming cup with a dark liquid, I assumed coffee, as the wind rustled her silky black hair. I heard Eren shut the door behind us, and as he started walking away he grabbed my arm, pulling me so that I'd follow him. I guess he still wasn't ready to talk to her again, not that I'd force him to. But there was no reason for me not to talk to her, since I wasn't the one fighting with her. The only negative side to Eren that I've ever seen was his anger, he had a hard time controlling it. It had gotten him into plenty of fights, and made it so he had a hard time getting along with most people. But the people that he could get along with, he was a good friend to. If people would just give him a chance, they'd see a much better side of him. 

We walked down his rocky driveway, the hard dirt crunching beneath our shoes. Eren had slowed his pace more, and loosened his grip on my arm, when we were out of Mikasa's view. I listened to the noises around us. Birds chirping as they slowly all woke up, water dripping from the trees back to the earth. The leaves of the trees surrounding us rustled with each light gust of wind. The wind nipped at my face, freezing my nose and cheeks. I shivered, wrapped my arms tightly around myself to hold in as much warmth as I could. 

Eren, who was still somehow wearing shorts, wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer to him. His body always seemed to be much warmer than mine, not that I cared much. Since he normally used it to keep me warm, it was nice. We walked down his driveway with our bodies close together, each time the wind blew past me I'd push myself even closer to Eren. Occasionally my body would jolt when I remembered the dream I had last night, but I quickly pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind,

Before we made it to the end of his driveway though, Eren suddenly stopped. He had let go of me, searching the area around us for something. He must have found it, since he grabbed my arm, excitedly guiding me to the edge of the trees. When he pulled the tree branches back, it revealed another path that led to somewhere far out of my view. "Come on!" He said, dragging me behind him.

It was a lot darker under the shade of the trees, and also much cooler. I tried to suppress my shivering, but it was hard when even the wind blowing against my face as I walked felt as if it was trying to freeze my skin off. Winters in Shiganshina were never a fun experience, and it was just getting started. It hadn't even snowed yet and I knew, it could only get much worse from here. Traveling would be harder, everything would be much colder, people would be sick more often. It was never enjoyable, the only people who ever seemed to enjoy it were the kids. Eren and I loved the winter as children, we could never understand how it made everyone else so unhappy.

But we didn't let that bother us, we'd play outside in the cold for hours. Normally, we'd have to go back in because out fingers had become so frozen that they wouldn't move. After we thawed out for a bit, and drank some hot coco, we'd be back outside. Our parents would always get worried that we would get hurt or sick. While we were safe and never really got hurt, it wasn't unusual for us to end up sick. But that went away fast, and we were always ready to be back out in the snow as soon as our cold was gone. Knowing that winter only lasted so long, we had to get in as much time playing in the snow together as possible. 

We walked down the path for quiet awhile, stepping over rocks and tree roots. At some point I had even begun to believe that we were lost, that we had taken a wrong turn. Everything looked the same out here, so it was very easy, and very likely, for something like that to happen. But eventually, we made it to the clearing that Eren must have been searching for. 

It was a large circle in the middle of the forest, the ground covered in perfectly lush green grass that flittered beneath us. Directly in the middle was a large rock; the sun peaked through the trees from above, shining directly down onto it. The rock was covered in soft green moss, colorful flowers speckled throughout it. There was a few berry bushes at the edge of the trees, but I wasn't sure if they were safe to eat, so I decided not to chance it. We stood there for awhile, taking in the enchanted sight before us. It felt peaceful, just observing the strange sight before us, like we had found something that we weren't supposed to see. The air around us seemed to sparkle; it was truly a magical sight. 

Eren spoke in a hushed tone, "I used to come here all the time, especially when I was upset. This place has always calmed me down." I was almost surprised that he was showing me this beautiful place only just now if he had knew about it for so long. But it seemed special to him, so I could see why he'd want to keep it a secret. I was grateful that he trusted me enough to show me this, that I held enough importance to him that he wanted me to see this. It made a warmth grow in my chest, and suddenly I wasn't cold anymore, the shivering had stopped. 

"It's really beautiful," I whispered. Looking over to the right, I noticed an unusual tree. It had pink flowers that looked like feathers, that drifted away in the wind. One of the feathery flowers fell below the tree, landing in a tiny pond that was surrounded by old stones, sending small ripples over the dark waters smooth surface. I could tell there was fish swimming in the pond, their distorted figures could barely be seen through the surface of the water. "How'd you find this place?" 

"Well, one day after I had gotten into an argument with my mom I had ran out of the house. Normally I'd go and hide in the tree house but I knew that they'd find me there, like always. So I ran into the forest-" he scoffed, "-stupid move right? Anyways I ended up here. It was hard getting back out, and then finding it again took even longer. But this has been one of my favorite places to be since," he sighed, as if the memory pained him. I couldn't imagine all the times he came here, all the painful memories that the place brought back, even if it did calm him.

"Thank you," My voice was barely heard over the wind. But I knew Eren had heard me when he glanced down at me in surprise.

"Why are you thanking me?" 

"This place seems so special to you, and you trusted me enough to show me. I'm just happy I guess," I shrugged, looking down at the ground below me. It was hard for me to show my emotions so plain and bare like this, it made me weak and exposed. But I knew that I needed to tell him thus even if it made me uncomfortable to say.

"You don't have to thank me for something like that. I want to share everything with you, especially places that are so special to me. You mean the world to me, so of course I'd want you to see this."

My eyes started tearing up, but I quickly wiped it away. When had I become so emotional? It was hard to say, but I'm sure it had something to do with Eren. He changed me in the best ways possible, that's something I'd never stop being thankful for. Maybe I was thanking him for more than just showing me this place, those two words held a deeper meaning. I think he had known that too. 

"We should probably start heading back." He was right, we had been out here for quite awhile now. By the time we got back it would be almost lunch time I was sure. My stomach began growling as I thought of that. Eren smirked, "Hungry? We can have lunch when we get back," he starting walking back down the path as he talked. I followed close behind, mostly because the excitement from the promise of food, but also because I didn't want to get lost. 

The walk back seemed much faster, I don't doubt that we were walking quicker though. Both of us were hungry and the thought of food was enough to quicken our pace. When we arrived at the house, I noticed that Mikasa had left, leaving the porch empty. I began walking up the steps to Eren's front porch, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"Wait, I want to go to one more place first," he smiled. I nodded, walking back down the steps wearily, wondering where he could possibly bring me now. He led me around to his back yard, letting a single hand rest on the rope ladder that led to the tree house. My eyes widened when I realized where we were going, preparing to run as soon as he tried to make me climb up. He nodded, noticing my sudden resistance, "let's climb up," he pulled my arm a little.

But I stood my ground, slowly shaking my head, "There's no way that's still safe."

"It's is, trust me," he let go of my wrist and started climbing the wooden steps attached to the old rope, "I went up here awhile ago, it's still perfectly safe." He made it to the top, smiling down at me triumphantly, knowing that I couldn't refuse to go up now. The tree house seemed much further away from the ground than it used to, even if I was much taller. I was more brave back then, a simple tree house never would've made me this nervous. But now, I was shaking just thinking about being up there. 

I grabbed onto the rope tight enough that my knuckles turned white, sighing. Eren would force me up one way or another, so I might as well make it easier for the both of us. If I just climbed up quickly I probably wouldn't be as afraid. Stepping onto the first wooden platform, I braced myself for the rope to give out. Besides the faint creaking sound, the rope held sturdy. My body relaxed a bit, and I began to climb. I forced myself to look up at Eren, knowing that I'd stay much more calm than if I was to look at the ground below me. When I reached the top, I practically threw myself inside, landing with a thud on the wooden floor, far away from the doorway.

My heart was still racing, pounding hard against my chest. But when I looked up, out the window, I forgot why I was ever scared. The view from this window was still just as breath taking as it was when we were kids. I always forgot how amazing it was up here. Birds flew high over the trees, their dark figures stood out against the pale blue sky. There were no clouds in sight, giving me a perfect view of the city, and even beyond that. The world looked like it went on forever, I wanted to follow it, to see what was out there, where it would take me. But I was stuck in this old treehouse, in the small town of Shiganshina. 

"Amazing, isn't it?" Eren's voice came from behind me. I turned around smiling, just then noticing the picnic basket sitting on his lap. He smiled back, motioning for me to join him on the red and white checkered blanket that was draped over the old wooden floor, the white paint was starting to chip. I crawled over, sitting on the corner across from him. "No, sit over here. I'm cold." I was sure that he was lying since Eren was almost never cold. But I listened anyways, moving to sit next to him. Our bodies were pressed closely together and I was actually glad that he made me move.

"Did you do all of this?" I asked, looking around at the treehouse. There were white Christmas lights lining the ceiling, a few unlit candles placed on wooden shelves that followed the walls, and even a vase of roses sitting on a crate in the corner. It was surprisingly romantic, considering it was Eren. I didn't think he was one to do this sort of stuff, it was touching really. He always went out of his way to do such kind things for me, even if it's just showing me a small piece of him or his life. And yet here I was, doing absolutely nothing for him. It made guilt fill my stomach; made me sick with myself. I would definitely figure out something that I could do for him, even if it was something simple like this.

"Well I put everything together. But I asked my mom to move the picnic basket up here before we left so it would be ready when we got back," he smiled, moving the basket off his lap. "As we both know, I can't cook. So I hope it's not too bad," he laughed, opening the basket and digging through it to find a bottle that he pulled out. It was a small bottle of sparkling cider, along with two wine glasses. "We're too young to be drinking so this was the best I could do."

"That's fine, I don't really care," I shrugged, wrapping my arms around his left arm, the one he wasn't using. I leaned my head on his shoulder, "The thought itself is good enough."

He set the drinks down, reaching back into the basket to take out two things of tupperwear and two forks. He set one of each down in front of both of us, and then placed a glass next to that. He poured the sparking cider, and put the bottle back into the basket. "Bon appétit!" 

Eren had made some sort of Alfredo pasta type dish, it wasn't horrible. A bit on the chewy side, but otherwise it was good. Somehow the food had stayed warm even while sitting out in the cold tree house, so that was another bonus After the pasta, I was pretty much full and very grateful to have finally eaten. I was beginning to think that I'd die from hunger before lunch ever came, that my stomach would just implode inside of me. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

After everything was packed back up, I assumed that was all, and was ready to go back inside. I was about to stand up, until Eren grabbed my arm, pulling me back down next to him. That seemed to be happening a lot lately, I prepared myself for one thing, then Eren pulled me into a completely different direction. "Lunch isn't over," he grinned. I was left sitting in confusion as he reached into the other side of the woven basket. What else do you eat at lunch time?

He took out one more container that held two cupcakes, leaving me even more astonished. "Cupcakes?" I asked, confusion clearly lacing my voice.

"Yeah, my mom insisted. Since she's still calling this our first day honeymoon she said that we had to have cupcakes. She also kind of refused to help me unless I let her put them in there, you don't have to eat it if you're full," he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. It was sweet of his mother to think of us like this, so of course I would eat it. I always had room for dessert anyways, so how could I resist.

"Oh no, that's okay. I was just confused," I smiled, grabbing his hand and threading our fingers together. Eren's hand was much larger than my own, but I didn't mind. I always felt safe around him, like he'd always be there to protect me. It was a nice feeling, having someone there for you. Not exactly something I was very used to, but still nice none the less.

He laid out two plates, placing a cupcake on each. She had even made my favorite, red velvet. Carla Jaeger knew me too well, not that I minded. It was good to have an adult like that in your life. I dove right in, eating as if this was my last meal. The cupcake was gone in probably under a minute, and I was stuffed to the brim; my stomach definitely wouldn't be imploding today. They've fed me more in the past two days than I normally feed myself in a week, it was strange. Almost as if being catered to by a fancy restaurant, but this was how they ate all the time. It was surprising that Eren was still so thin, but he's always had a fast metabolism. 

Maybe this is what it was like living with a family, having people there for you. Maybe this is what it was like for my family before my parents left me behind. Or maybe this is what it could've been like if my parents had just paid for my grandfather, so that he wouldn't have died from being ill. Everything could have been so much better for me, life could have been normal. I could have been happy, and cared for. I could have had someone to come home to. A shoulder to cry on, a mother and father to spend weekends with, a bed to crawl to when I had nightmares, or someone to just love me unconditionally. But that didn't happen, not for me, because not everybody gets to have a happy life like that. Life, as I've learned over the years, is unfair. It always has been, and always will be. There was no point in thinking about the 'maybe's or the 'could have's anymore.

"You got a little something on your cheek," Eren pointed out.

"Huh? Where?" I tried wiping my cheek, but Eren stopped me.

"Here, I'll get it," he leaned closer until our faces were almost touching. Suddenly his tongue darted out, swiftly licking the cream off my cheek. I fell back, eyes wide in surprise. 

"E-Eren! You could've just wiped it off!" But he wasn't listening anymore, he was too focused on something else to listen. 

A hand was suddenly frantically tapping my shoulder, I looked up to see Eren's bright eyes locked on something else. I traced his gaze to the window, my own eyes stuck in a trance. The sky had become covered by gray clouds, the wind chillier than normal. White speckles had begun to float down to the earth; it was finally snowing. I sat, awestruck at the sight of the white flakes drifting down from the sky. A harsh wind gust blew a flurry into the tree house, some floating close enough for us to grab. Eren stuck out his hand, catching some to watch melt against his warm skin. 

I shivered with the next blow of wind, curling in closer to Eren. He grinned, putting his pointer finger up in a wait motion. He pulled the blanket out from under us and gathered it up. Eren draped the blanket over the two of us, so that it would hold in our heat. We snuggled closer to each other as we watched the first snowfall of the winter together. I'm sure we stayed out there for quite awhile just watching the ground be covered by a blanket of shiny white. It was just like when we were younger, staying outside together for hours. But instead of playing, we sat together under the warmth of the blanket, enjoying the scenery for once. We took the chance to enjoy the little things that we never noticed as a kid. Like the way the treetops became a glistening white, or how quiet and still the world around us had become. 

The sky was darkening by the time we decided to go back inside. Eren said it was okay to leave everything outside, that he'd take care of it later. So we each carefully climbed out of the treehouse and made our way around to the front and into the warm house. We shook off the wet snow that covered our legs when we got inside, taking off our heavy coats. The warmth seeped into my body as I stood in the entryway, enjoying the heat the house brought me.

"It's getting really late, and if I wait any longer I'm going to have to walk home in some really deep snow. I think I'm gonna get going now," I told Eren as he started taking off his shoes. 

"You can't walk home in this!" He shouted, standing up frantically, only one shoe was fully off.

"No, it's okay I'll be fine if I leave now," I shook him off, giving a small smile hoping to convince him. It was hard to get Eren to change his mind once he was sure about something, he was extremely stubborn at times. But I knew that if I tried hard enough I could get him to listen to me, not that I even had time to try.

"I'll drive you home Armin, I don't want you walking home in this weather. It's dangerous out there, especially since it's getting so late," Carla said, suddenly coming around the corner with her car keys in hand. 

"No! Really, it's okay. I'm sure I'll be fine, it's not that long of a walk anyways," I waved my hands in front of myself, not wanting to make her have to drive me. I could get home on my own, I've done it a million time before anyways. Even if it was snowing, I knew that I'd be fine.

She pointed a finger at me, "Please don't argue with me-" her finger moved to point at Eren, "-please go get his stuff, I'll go warm up the car." The only person who I knew that was more stubborn than Eren was his mother, there really was no possible way of changing her mind once it was set on something. I finally gave up, sighing as the two walked away from me.

Eren came back down with my back pack, handing it over to me. "I put your clothes in here, you can give me back my clothes at school tomorrow," he smiled pulling me into a hug. "I had fun, thank you."

"D-don't thank me, I didn't do anything," I stuttered, wrapping my arms around him nervously. 

"Shh, I'm thanking you for just being here with me. You make me so happy Armin," he didn't give me time to respond, instead leaning down to capture my lips in a light kiss. "Bye Armin, I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Goodbye," I waved as I walked out the door, quickly making my way to Carla's car, the cold outside air nipping at my exposed cheeks. I hopped in, pulling my heavy backpack behind me. I shut the door quickly to block out the cold air. "Thank you for the ride Mrs. Jaeger, you really didn't have to."

"Yes I did," she reached over to ruffle my hair, "I like your haircut by the way," she put the car into drive and drove down the long driveway leading to their large home. I thanked her, smiling as I looked outside at the darkness surrounding us. It probably would've been bad if I tried walking home in the dark like this, especially since the snow seemed to be picking up. I was grateful that she was driving me, even if I felt bad for making her go out of her way just to get me home.

The ride was short, and I was back home within a matter of a few minutes. I thanked her multiple times, waving to her as she drove off. I didn't go inside until she was completely out of my view. My entire body felt as if it was floating on clouds as I walked through the front door. I wasn't sure if it was from being extremely happy, or just plain exhausted. Probably a strange mixture of the two.

Either way, I could get Eren out of my mind. How beautiful he was with his sparkling eyes, strong tanned body, and wonderful personality. I wasn't sure how I had gotten so lucky with him. How did I wind up with someone so wonderful? I know that I've definitely never done anything to earn the right to call him mine, it was pure luck. But I did know that it's been a really long time since I was last this happy. 

I made myself dinner quickly, putting together a bowl of cereal. I sat in the kitchen eating it, enjoying the silence of my lonely home. I had been hanging around people way too much lately, it was nice to have some alone time.

Suddenly I heard a phone ring, but I was left confused at the loud sound, since I didn't own a phone. I got up, searching for the noise, eventually finding the source of the noise underneath a blanket that laid messily on my brown couch. I picked it up, realizing that it was Eren's phone. He told me he was looking for it, that could've been why someone was calling it. I wasn't sure if it was okay to answer, until I saw the caller ID. It was Grisha, but why would he be calling if Eren was at home with him? I answered the phone with a shaky, "Hello?"

A frantic voice answered on the other line; it wasn't Grisha. "Armin!" The scared voice called through the phone, my stomach suddenly dropping when I realized it was Eren's panicked voice on the other end. 

"Armin, please tell me she's okay," was the last thing I heard his weak voice say before a broken sob filled my ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Remember, any type of feedback is always appreciated! Thank you all so much for reading/ following along up until this point! I'm excited for where this fic is heading but fair warning; it's going to be a bumpy path.


	8. Smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly couldn't stop editing this chapter and was a bit nervous to post it. But I hope you all enjoy reading it anyways!

Sobs filled the other end of the phone, coming through in cracking, fuzzy waves. I wasn't sure how to respond, or what he was even talking about. I did know that what ever had occurred that caused Eren to react like this wasn't good. I had only ever heard Eren cry once before, in the time that I've known him. It was when we were still in first grade and he decided to jump to the ground from the tree house, something that somebody of his small structure obviously wouldn't be able to handle. But Eren believed that he could do anything, and I wasn't sure if that was brave or just plain stupid. He landed wrong and fell on impact, his body rolling a few feet away. He ended up with a few bruises and scratches littering his small body. But these cries, that I was hearing now, were far worse than when we were young. These cries were frightened, terrified hopeless cries, that shot straight through my chest, making it increasingly harder to breath.

"Eren, calm down, please," I said nervously; already feeling the panic take over my body before he even told me what happened. I needed him to calm down enough to tell me what was going on so that I could find some way to help. I'd do anything if it meant making him happy again, it hurt too much to hear him in such a shattered state.

"Please tell me she's still with you, that she decided to stay a little longer," his voice wailed form the other end, grasping out to me for some sort of security. But I couldn't provide what he was looking for.

"Eren, I don't know what you're talking about," my voice, along with the rest of my body, was shaking. My hand shook so hard that I almost dropped the phone, but I held it with a death grip, not wanting to miss a single thing that Eren said. I hung on to every word he spoke, struggling to piece together what he was tying to convey.

"M-my mom," his sobs interrupted him; the sound growing distant. I could hear distraught voices on the other line for a short time, it sounded as if they were arguing. There was a few shuffling noises, before a new voice filled my ears.

"Armin?" It was Mikasa, she sounded no better than Eren, her trembling voice breaking on my name. "How long ago did my mom leave?"

"About twenty minutes I guess, why?" I had a feeling I knew where this was heading, but in the back of my mind I was praying that the feeling was wrong. I prayed that this was all a sick joke. But it couldn't be, not when they sounded like that.

"It shouldn't take her this long to get home," she was talking to herself, scared voice shaking as she rambled on before addressing me again. "Armin, look outside your window, what do you see?" 

It was a weird command, and I was unsure how that would help, but complied without question. I walked to the large window that sat next to my kitchen table, pulling back the curtains to peer outside. It was dark out, stars already shining high in the sky, twinkling brightly against black. But from above the trees, there was no mistaking what I saw. Smoke, thick dark smoke, rising from the ground. My stomach dropped, entire body going cold the instant blue found gray.

I shook my head, as if refusing to believe the sight before me. "No," I said aloud, my body frantically moving away from the window and toward the door all on its own, tripping over my own feet in the process. I caught myself on the table, and kept pushing forward, "No, no no, this can't be happening. This isn't happening, it's not real," The phone was still in my hand, hanging by my side, swinging with each movement of my arm. The faint voice shouting for me from below snapped me back into reality, and I hastily brought the phone back up to my ear.

"Armin?! What is it?!" It was Eren again, though he sounded like he had gotten himself under control. I didn't want to tell him what I saw; I couldn't tell him until I knew that it wasn't her. There was no way I would worry him like that until I was certain of what was producing the opaque smoke clouding the sky.

I pushed the front door open, leaving it hanging open behind me as I begun to trudge through the snow. The cold white blanket bit at my bare feet, but I paid no mind, too engrossed in the growing plumb of smoke above me. It was far too close, far too new. Still thick and expanding, getting darker and darker as it spread across the night sky. Light snow still fell to the earth, but hidden within the innocent white was a spiteful gray, floating as if it belong there. Ash; it shouldn't be there, this shouldn't be happening.

I shook my head, trying to rid the horrible thoughts that clung onto my mind like leeches. I had to convince myself that it wasn't her laying underneath all of that dreadful smoke, that it had to be something else. This couldn't happen to Carla Jaeger, her of all people. She didn't deserve this; an angel walking on earth, it couldn't be her.

I tried so very hard to believe that, but the more and more I thought about it, the faster I walked. Faster and faster until my walking turned into running, feet smacking against the frigid ground. Faster and faster until my running turned into sprinting, wind whipping next to my ears in a distressed howl, urging me to move even faster. My body was on cruise control, I had no say in what happened any more. I moved as fast as my damned legs would let me, and then even faster.

They say in situations like this, an adrenaline rush can be a powerful thing. I didn't believe them, it seemed far too good to be true, the non-humanlike abilities it was said to give a person. I didn't believe them until now, I was running so fast the forest become a dark green blur closing in on both sides of me. So fast that my feet barely left prints in the fresh snow. At this pace, I could be an Olympic gold medalist. If only that were the situation I was in. Instead, I was practically flying through the darkness, clinging to the hope that it wasn't her resting under the cloud of smoke that was beginning to consume every star that had shone in the sky. 

Eren's voice dragged me back to consciousness, but my legs didn't stop, they refused to. "Armin? Are you still there? What's happening, why are you panting?" 

"E-Eren, I'm here Eren, just hang on okay," I couldn't talk and run, my throat was dry. Every word was like swallowing nails. The other line was silent, as Eren waited in the anticipation of what I would tell him next.

My lungs burned, begging for me to slow down, to take a break. My legs ached so badly that I could barely even feel them anymore as they continued to push forward, until I made it out of my driveway. I quickly turned right, heading in the directions of Eren's house, straight towards the faint light that flickered in the distance. I didn't let my mind think about what it was exactly that was producing that light, covered by the dark fog.

I could tell when I started to get closer to the smoke, the air was foggy, and so thick that it was hard to breath. Large pieces of ash floated by elegantly, mocking me with their peaceful presence, screaming that I was too late. It smelled horrible, like burning rubber, metal, and one more thing that I refused to acknowledge. I knew I was getting closer when I saw the light shine brightly in the distance, tall flames licking the air. Taunting me as they danced across the ground, swallowing the hunk metal. I was too close, closer than I should've been; I realized the danger of standing this close, but if I had the chance to save her, I would try. This was my chance to save her life, to make everything okay again. There was no way in hell I would let myself screw this up, I couldn't live with that.

All of a sudden the phone beeped in my hand, I looked down to see it a notification that had popped up, warning me that it was at 5%. I brought it up to my ear, speaking quickly as I neared the flames. "Shit! Eren I have to go, your phone is gonna die, I'll call you back soon okay?"

His terrified voice instantly filled the line, "Armin no! Please don't hang up, ple-" the call ended. I couldn't hear him plead any longer without giving in. I didn't want to hang up, but I had to save the battery.

I stopped in front of the burning hunk of metal that laid crushed against a large tree on the side of the road, it barely even looked like a car anymore. It was crushed on every side, nothing was left unscathed by the accident. The marks left in its path showed that the car must've flipped a few feet before the tree served as a barrier, successfully stopping it. I wheezed as I tried to find a door, an entrance, something. Anything that wasn't crushed or covered in the flames that threatened to engulf me.

That's when I saw it; my opening, along with a weak arm hanging out of it, small frail fingers twitching. I rushed over, forcing myself to keep a steady head, I couldn't panic in this type of situation. Grabbing the bloody arm, I pulled, with all of my strength, but it was no use, I wasn't enough. I was weak; not built for this. Not strong enough, or brave enough to save someone's life. Not fortified enough mentally or physically; weak. I had fully realized by now that I might die here, but I accepted it, pushing the blissful thought away.

But I kept pulling, yanking with all of my might, strength that I didn't know I possessed. The body slid inch by inch, slowly making hopeful progress. Surprise filled me when her body moved, I was grateful that it hadn't been jammed in there, that the car didn't need to be cut open so that I could remove her. I felt relief wash over me when I almost had her whole body out, just her lower legs still trapped, but that's when the ticking sound started. It was a sign that I knew of all too well, too many nights spent researching all about death scenarios, a car crash being one of the top. My body stiffened at the noise, but my arms didn't stop pulling.

Not after the body was out of the car, or when we were a few feet away, a dark red trail of blood staining the snow behind us. Only then did I stop, to pick up the fragile body, that was much larger than my own. And then I ran, as fast as I could carrying the unconscious victim. I ran until my legs collapsed, and my lungs began to burn as if the fire had reached them as well. But my brain kept going, pulling out Eren's phone to quickly dial a number with shaking fingers, smearing blood across the glass screen.

"911, what's your emergency?" The cheerful voice asked on the other end, and I was disgusted. The blood in my veins went cold and I heard myself scoff. It was revolting; the fact that people were still living their happy, normal lives when this was occurring. Those thoughts were pushed away though, because there were far more important things to attend to.

"There's been a car accident," I heard myself say, my mouth speaking on its own, numb voice coming out stronger than I thought possible. 

"Okay honey, I need to know where you are," I gave her the street name that I was closest to, along with the mile marker that was only a few feet away. "Okay sweet heart, I've got people on the way, just hang in there." But I wasn't the one who needed to hang in there, not that she would know what. "Have you been hurt?"

"No, not me, it's somebody that I know. I wasn't in the accident." The snow was seeping through my clothes, chilling me down to the bone. But I paid no mind to the harsh shivering, or the limbs that were beginning to go numb, instead I watched as red began to paint the snow around Carla's body circling her completely.

"Are they still conscious?" I looked down sadly at her lifeless figure, wishing that she was looking back at me with the same glowing golden eyes that I was so used to seeing

"No, she's been unconscious since I found her."

"Is she breathing?" The woman's words had become so monotonous, like she had switched in to gear, finally serious about the situation.

I looked down at Carla, moving my hand to her wrist to check for a pulse. My body sagged, it was there, faint, but it was a pulse. I could feel tears fall down my cheeks, splashing onto the body laid gently on the ground beneath my kneeling figure, "She has a pulse."

"Okay honey, I'm going to need you to-" I didn't get to hear the rest of it. My body was propelled forward, the blast from the explosion behind me causing both me and Carla to tumble a few feet. My rolling body was finally stopped when my head smashed against a rock. I barely felt the pain though, too scared to care about myself. I sat up, my vision going double, searching for Carla's body, needing to check that she was still okay. I frantically scurried around in the wet snow, feeling for the warm flesh. My hand hit something squishy, that I soon realized was her. I brought her close to me, holding her against my body in a death grip, refusing to let go. I cradled her head in one arm to keep it safe, the other holding her waist securely. If there was another blast, I would protect her, I couldn't let her die. If I had the chance to save her, I would take it. 

I looked around, feeling for the phone that had flew out of my hand after the explosion. I felt it's broken glass against my fingertips, and picked it up. I struggled to turn it on, but it was dead. Cracked and broken beyond repair. I sighed heavily, falling back into a pile of snow with Carla's body still resting against mine. I wrapped my arms around her again, staring up at the smoke screened sky. "Fucking shit! Shit!" I screamed to the sky as tears fell down my frozen face, drying against my numb skin, "FUCK!.. I CANT FUCKING... I can't..." My voice grew weak, lungs burning far too badly for me to talk any further. The smoke had taken a toll on my body, and I was starting to feel the effects. I slammed a fist into the snow, but it did nothing to calm my nerves.

My body was weak, and my vision was blurring along the edges. But I fought to stay conscious, needing to save her, even if it was the last thing I ever did. But all lost energy seemed to immediately return when I saw them. Bright lights flashing in the distance, blurred neon reds and blues. Sirens that echoed through my head like a train whistle. And I smiled, finally accepting that I had done all the I could do. The firetrucks passed me, headed straight for the remains of the car. But the group of police cars and ambulances came to a skidding stop in front of me, quickly spotting our two bodies that were being engulfed by the pile of snow that burned against my skin. 

I smiled as Carla was lifted off of me and onto a stretcher, requesting one last thing before my vision went black, "Save her, please..." It was a desperate cry, the only energy I had left in me was squeezed out by the effort it took for me to plead with them. And then I was gone, the world around me stopped, and I was engulfed by the warm fuzzy darkness, excepting its embrace open handedly. The sweet bliss that felt like I was floating on clouds. Like I had left my body behind, and was flying with the birds, leaving behind Shiganshina, the city, and Eren. I had done enough, I deserved this darkness. 

But the euphoric darkness didn't last long enough, I craved for it the second I came back to the real world, but I couldn't get it back. I slowly opened my eyes, and instead of seeing black I was hoping for, I was surrounded by bright white. There were needles going into my arms, and hands, all giving me some sort of fluid. I had been changed into a hospital gown, that exposed most of my arms and legs. Pale skin covered in dark bruises and bright red scratches.

My body immediately sprung to life when I realized why I was here, my heart going twice as fast with the monitor beeping along side it. I gripped the metal bars on either side of the bed, the needles pulling against my skin, eyes frantically searching for an exit. A doctor rushed in, only to see that I was awake, struggling to pull all of the needles out of my arm by the time he made it to me. He quickly grabbed my arms to hold me down, and as much as I struggled beneath him, I was far too weak to get away, my entire sore body screaming for me to give in. "Let go of me! Let me go see him! I need to see him!" I was shouting, scared like a cornered animal; I didn't care. I had to see Eren, he was the only person who I could think of, the only thought that made sense in my crazed mind. 

"Hey, calm down, I'll bring you to him so calm down," my body relaxed at his words. "You're very lucky. You made it out with only a few bumps and bruises, and a small concussion. You're just going to have to rest, I've prescribed you some medicine for the pain. You can also ice your head to help numb the area. Now about your friend, I can bring you to him, but he hasn't been doing so well." The doctor looked worried when he mentioned Eren again, hesitant with his words.

"I don't care, take me to see Eren," the doctor nodded, realizing that I wasn't going to give in. He pulled out each needle, disposing of them all, and wiped the areas clean before bandaging them.

When I tried sitting up for a second time, there was a sharp pain in my head that I hadn't noticed before, My hand flew up as if grabbing it would help, but I was stopped by even more bandages. After the doctor lowered the bars on my bed,I sighed, lowering my arm before swinging my legs around to the side of the bed. He helped me stand, letting me use him as a support to keep my balance. We walked down the halls with me leaning on his arm, traveling through many twisting corridors, each coated in the same offending white color. Finally, we made it to the intensive care unit, my heart skipped a few beats. 

Just outside the doors that led to the horrible place was the person that I needed to see, hunched over on a bench next to his sister and father. His head was in his hands, and his leg bounced with anxiousness. Suddenly my dizziness disappeared, and I was running down the hall, feet smacking against the cold light blue tiles. Well, as fast as I could run at that moment; which wasn't very fast. "Eren!" I called, eyes filling with tears. 

His head flew up at my voice, and he was quick to be on his feet, running straight towards me. His body slammed into my own, arms wrapping around me in a tight hug. It made every inch of my frame ache painfully, but I couldn't find it in myself to care, I needed this. I felt his warm tears dropping onto my skin as he buried his face into my shoulder. "Thank you so much Armin," his body shook against my own with hard sobs. 

"No, don't thank me, shhh, it's okay, it'll be okay," I tried to reassure him, each tear, each small cry that escaped him caused my heart to twist in my chest. It was too agonizing to hear, I could hardly bare it. To have to listen to someone break, when you can't do anything to stop it. At that moment, I was sure that this was the worst feeling in the world. It hurt more than running through the cold snow. More than pulling a body out of burning car as the flames reached for me, daring for me to move just a little closer. More than carrying the body to safety, only to be thrown even further by a forceful explosion. It was in indescribable pain, almost the equivalent to death itself. 

"No Armin, you saved her, she's still alive," his body went limp against mine as he finally lost the will the stand. I struggled to hold him up, but eventually gave in to the weight. All energy had been completely sucked out of me, and I let our bodies slide down the wall, until we were resting on the floor. I held him against me, the same way that I held his mother. One arm wrapped tightly around his waist, while the other cradling his head, my pale fingers running through his soft hair. And during this time, he let every emotion finally flow out, the tears seemed endless. A pool of them stained my hospital gown, his body shaking from both sobs and fear. I could tell how exhausted he was, how afraid, and was surprised that he was able to hold it all together until now. It only served to remind me how strong of a person he was.

Eventually, the tears stopped, and he laid against me, eyes closed, sniffling as he calmed himself down. He was at a temporary peace, and I didn't want it to ever end. I didn't want to see what was in our future. Why couldn't time have stopped there? When everything seemed okay again. 

The doctor had thrown a blanket over us, telling me that if we were gonna stay there then we should at least keep ourselves warm. I thanked him, almost feeling guilty with the way I had yelled at him when I first woke up. I blamed it on the drugs I had been given, even if that wasn't really why. But I still couldn't find it in me to care; i needed this, and apparently Eren did too, just as much. We had both been through so much, and to finally be here in each others arms was a nice break from it all. It was like the world apologizing for what it's put us through, for what we will go through in the future. 

I mentally accepted the apology, knowing that I'd be okay as long as I had Eren by my side. If he was with me, I could get through anything. He made me a stronger person, a better version of myself. I'd do anything for him, and I know that he would do the same. 

Eren had sat up, staring directly at me, his swollen eyes half lidded showing off his obvious exhaustion. I knew there was no way I'd be able to get him to sleep, even if he knew how dark the bags under his eyes had become, so I didn't mention it. He finally spoke to me, his first words since he had broken down completely, "I'm hungry."

Startled by the words, a jolt ran through my body. But I ignored it, in favor of answering him, "There's a cafeteria on this floor, and I get free food since I'm technically a patient. Want to go get something to eat?"

He nodded his head like a small toddler would, standing up from my lap, numb legs. I followed, much slower and with a bit of help. My body was still worn out from everything I had done earlier, so the help from Eren was much appreciated. We walked down the halls together, Eren still had the blankets wrapped around his form, following the signs that led us to the cafeteria. When we reached it, the place was pretty empty. A few workers cleaned the countertops, along with doctors and nurses sitting at the tables, enjoying their food while they took a break. 

Eren sauntered into the area where you picked up food, looking over all of his options. He grabbed a tray, settling for ordering a sub, along with a side salad. I wasn't as hungry, so I decided a small bowl of macaroni and cheese would be fine, the child in me couldn't help but choose that. When I showed them my hospital band, they let us pass without having to pay. Eren chose a table, placing his tray down and collapsing onto a seat. There wasn't much talk as we ate, not that I minded.

But with silence came thinking, and I often thought too much for my own good. Images of Carla's battered bloody body flashed through my mind, my stomach churned at the intense flashbacks. I dropped my fork, knowing that I wouldn't be able to eat any more, not with that fresh in my mind. It was painful to remember the state she was in, but also worrying. I could only help but wonder what type of state she was in now, if she was still struggling to survive. 

Carla Jaeger was a fighter and a strong woman. I knew she would making through this, she had to.

"Armin, are you okay? You look like you're gonna be sick," came Eren's worried voice, his hand laid gently over my own. I did have to admit, I was never one who could stomach much gore. But today, I had to whiteness it first hand. It wasn't extremely bad, but even a small scratch could make me a bit squeamish. 

"I... I'm fine. I was just thinking is all," I shrugged, not looking up from the food below me, it was too cold to eat now. Not that I wanted to eat it at this point anyways, I had given up on trying to force down any more food.

Eren's hand tightened around mine, "I haven't seen her yet," his voice was somber, though I understood why, "I begged and begged them to just let me look through the window, just get a peak. But they refused, they had to hold me back until I gave up," he scoffed, shaking his head. "I know I should've just tried harder."

"There wasn't anything you could do Eren," I tried to reassure him, but with the way his face had sunk into despondency, I knew my words had done just the opposite. 

"I realize that," he scoffed again, obviously beating himself up over everything that happened. "Maybe if I had gone with her, she would be okay. Maybe if she had someone to drive home with her she wouldn't have crashed. Maybe if-" I cut him off, looking up to face him.

"Eren, stop. Nobody knows how the situation would've changed. Maybe you would've been in that car with her, and I would have had to drag both of you out. Don't think about the what ifs, it's not healthy," I said, reprimanding him. There was no reason for him to talk that way because we both knew that there was nothing that he could have done.

"I'm sorry," he said, peering down at the table. "Armin, I need to ask you something but please... Just... Don't lie to me, okay?" He looked up, a hopeful gleam in his eyes causing my body to go tense. I swallowed dryly, nodding my head. "How bad did she look?"

The images of her lifeless body bombarded my mind again, and I shook my head frantically. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered the way blood pooled around her body, how her tan skin slowly became as pale as my own. The burns the covered her skin in large patches, the blood that painted almost every inch of her figure. I buried my face in my hands, tears turning into light sobs as the images refused to go away. The way her left leg bent abnormally, almost as if it were broken. How her eyebrows and dark hair had been singed, smoke still rising from both her hair and skin. The smell, that horrible smell, of burning flesh as I approached the car. Her tattered, burnt clothes that barely clung to her body. How I watched the life slowly drain from her body the longer that we sat waiting for.

I curled in on myself as much as I could, begging for it to stop. Searching for a way to make these torturous thoughts disappear for good. And suddenly, I was pulled into a warm embrace, arms wrapping protectively around my shaking form. I leaned closer, letting his smell distract me from the memories of the scents that overwhelmed me from the accident. The thick smoke, burning car, burning body. The smell of gas after the explosion, the smell of medicine after waking up in the hospital. All of that was replaced with Eren's comforting scent as he rocked me back and forth.

"Shh, it's okay, I shouldn't have asked that. You don't need to answer me okay? Don't think about that anymore. You're okay, it's okay," his gentle words had me convinced, and I relaxed against him, my body begging me to fall asleep just like that. But I refused, knowing that this was no place to be sleeping. "How about we go back to my dad and Mikasa?" Eren sat me up, wiping away my tears with his thumbs as he spoke. His green eyes filled with guilt, worry, and fear. He had been through so much, and yet he still treated me like I was his whole world. It made my heart pound against my aching chest. 

I nodded, letting him pull me into his arms as he stood up so that he could carry me. I didn't mind the free ride, my body was done moving anyways. He took the tray, dumping the trash and then leaving it on top of the trash bin. We left the empty cafeteria, slowly making our way back to the doors that led to where Carla was currently being treated. I lightly held onto Eren with my legs that could barely wrap all the way around him, resting my head in the crook of his neck. I let him carry most of my weight, too fatigued to even care at this point.

But when we reached the hall where Eren father should've be on the bench with Mikasa, we saw that he wasn't. Instead he was further away, talking to a doctor, who seemed to be trying to explain something to the impatient man. All of Eren's family were so eager to see Carla again, and it was obviously that the longer they were forced to wait, the more and more antsy they would become. 

Eren gently set me down onto my feet, letting me wrap my arms around one of his for support. He led me over to the bench next to Mikasa, where I took a seat, grateful to be able to rest my legs even after a short walk. But Eren didn't stay with us, instead he walked away, further down the hall in hopes of hearing what was being said between the doctor and his father. I watched his retreating figure, suddenly nervous of what he might find out, and how he would react.

I couldn't hear most of the conversation, and neither could Eren, since he was hurrying over to them. The two men spoke in hushed voices, not noticing that Eren was quickly approaching the pair. I tried to watch their reactions to gauge how the conversation was going, but neither man showed much emotion. The doctor seemed tired, and Grisha only seemed irritated. They stepped back to exchange final words. Grisha's head hung low, his shaking hands balled into tight fists at his sides, knuckles turning white.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Jaeger. There's nothing I can do," I heard the doctor tell him, he spoke normally now, resting a hand on Grisha's shoulder.

Eren had finally reached them, and he too only heard the last part of their conversation. They both turned to him in surprise when his weak, shaky voice called out, "Wait! Sorry about what? What's going on?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was chapter 8! Poor Carla *cries* Anyways I really hope that you all enjoyed reading it and all type of feedback are always appreciated!


	9. When He Sees Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is up a day late! The past few days have been pretty bad and I've been busy. But, I was still thankfully able to write! Mostly because I got braces on and I can't sleep because of the pain *sigh*. Anyways, I hope you like chapter 9 I'm sorry if it's not completely edited

The two men turned towards Eren wide eyed and both instantly on edge, neither noticing his presence until he had reached them. They stood in silence, the only sound that could be heard were the footsteps of other people, echoing through the lonely halls. Nobody knew what to say, Eren shifting from foot to foot, waiting for them to answer him. Bracing himself for the horrible news; the one thing he did want to hear. All he wanted was to see his mother, even if it was the last time. I could tell how difficult it was for him to keep still, to not force his way through the double doors leading to her. But now, he was assuming the worst; that he wouldn't be able to see her again.

I watched as Eren's Dad stepped forward, placing a large hand on Eren's shoulder. He took a few moments before saying anything, just staring into Eren's worried eyes. "Eren, I had asked this man to get us in there to see your mother. He says that they're still operating on her, so we can't go in yet."

Eren's body sagged and I wasn't sure if it was with relief or disappointment. He nodded slowly, not looking either of them in the eyes, his gaze focused on the tiles beneath him, before turning away. He walked down the hall, everyone watching to see what he would do next. But the only thing he did was stop next to the bench that Mikasa and I were sitting on, sliding down the wall so that he was resting on the floor next to me. He brought one knee up, draping his tan arm over it, staring at the wall in front of him. He had mentally prepared himself for the worst, and now he was facing the fact that the possibility was all too real. He could lose his mother.

I didn't know what to say to him, or how to reassure him. What could you tell someone in a situation like this? How was I supposed to make him believe that everything would be okay, when I wasn't even sure of that myself? This whole situation was so screwed up, we shouldn't be here, Carla shouldn't be here.

This all happened because of me, and I knew it, the guilt has been eating away at me ever since I woke up in this heinous place. I've tried so hard to force it back down, make the horrible feeling go away. But I knew p deserved that ache, Carla was going through so much worse, and it was all my fault. My pain was nothing compared to what she was struggling to survive behind those doors. I could've walked home, it wasn't that far. I could've stopped her, told her it was fine, refused to let her drive me. But I caved, because I'm weak. My inability to stand up for myself wasn't just affecting me now, it was affecting everyone else around me as well. 

I shouldn't have let her drive in the snow, it's too dangerous, everyone knew that; it was common sense. Especially since it had been so late at night, and it was still snowing with no signs of it stopping. The speed limit on that road was too fast for the conditions, but she'd driven on it so many times before. So what did she have to worry about? Skidding, flipping, and crashing into a tree; that's what. But that could've been prevented, if it weren't for me. She would have been okay. The whole family could be at home, waking up by now. I would have seen Mikasa and Eren at school, complaining about how bad it was there. Levi would've reprimanded us for skipping again, and we would've made up the dialogue. If only that's where we were, if only I was at school, the one place I dreaded more than anything. But we were stuck in this nefarious hospital instead, and it was all because of me.

We sat in the quiet halls of the hospital, just waiting. It was so agonizing; not knowing what was happening. The doctors said good things, reassuring us that she would be okay. But wasn't that their job? They couldn't just tell us that she was going to die, not when they were still working on her, even if they knew their efforts weren't even worth it. We already knew there was a chance of her not making it through this, but how big of a chance we couldn't be certain. The doctors had barely told us anything, too busy tending to Carla to stop and chat. Of course we understood, this was her life we were talking about. But I'd assume that they would be a little more open, that they would at the very least inform the family of what was going on. That they'd maybe send a nurse out to give updates, but we were told practically nothing.

They left us sitting here, unknowing of her current condition. Staring at taunting white, watching doctors and nurses hectically run back and forth, refusing to look at our hopeful eyes. They all acted as if we weren't even there, that we didn't exist. Like there wasn't a family waiting for their mother to return. They refused to talk, to listen, to even look. It was so painful just sitting here, they had to know that just by the looks on our faces.

"Stop thinking about it," came Eren's monotonous voice from below me. He hadn't looked up, too focused on the wall to look at me. 

"I'm not," we both knew that was a lie, when wasn't I thinking? Eren didn't say anything further though. I could tell how tired he was, even if he refused to admit to it. It hurt watching him do this to himself, keep himself awake even when he was all out of energy, but it wasn't like I could stop him. He would fall asleep sooner or later;I could only hope that he wouldn't wait too long. It wasn't healthy, physically or mentally, he knew that just as well as I did.

I moved my attention to the silent girl next to me, I hadn't spoken to her since the phone call. Mikasa looked just as tired, out of it. She was staring off into space, obviously deep in thought. I didn't want to interrupt her, but I also needed to know that she was okay. Mikasa was an extremely strong person, but this would be hard on anyone. She needed to know that I was here for her no matter what. 

"How are you holding up?" She jumped at my voice, turning to look at me with wide eyes before she calmed her expression. The bags under her eyes were dark against her pale skin; she looked like she could fall asleep then and there. They both needed to let themselves rest, to stop torturing themselves, not that they would.

"I'm okay, just... worried is all," she shrugged. Mikasa had been through this once before. She already knew what it was like to lose someone this close. She'd been through the pain before, and I could tell that this was taking a toll on her. If she was to lose Carla, I wasn't sure how she would handle it. If she could handle it. When would it become too much for her? When would she break?

"I understand. Just know that if you need anyone to talk to, or just someone to comfort you, I'm here okay?" She didn't look away, nodding. She needed to know that she wasn't alone, that I wasn't there for just Eren. She meant just as much to me as he did, I grew up with her as well after all.

"Thank you Armin," she smiled, turning away. 

Just then Grisha came back, sighing as he ran his hands down his face. He paced in circles, then down the hall and back a few times. I could tell how much waiting to see her was getting to him. All he wanted was to take a quick peek, to see that she was okay. Even if she wasn't okay, he needed that type of security, knowing that she was still alive. But the doctors refused to let him go back and see her. Even if he worked here, he received no special treatment. It's dangerous to let a worried family member near such an unstable patient, especially when they're still operating on said patient. Grisha knew that all too well, but he couldn't help the fact the not seeing her was slowly killing him inside. He cared for his wife more than anything, this was too much for him. 

Waiting became worse and worse for all of us the longer that we sat in silence. No one knew what to say, there was nothing to say really. All we could do was sit there and hope for the best, but that wasn't enough. Sitting still, listening to the sounds around us, was all far too unsettling. The heart monitors, frantic doctors running around, loud voices ordering commands, all faint compared to the deafening silence of the halls. I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to move, talk. Do something, anything that would distract me from all of the thoughts flooding my head that accompanied the sounds around me. 

I quickly jumped to my feet, straightening out my hospital gown. "I need some fresh air," I stated, looked at the two others behind me. Grisha was still off pacing further down in the hall, but Mikasa and Eren stayed by my side. 

"We can all go take a walk around the garden?" Mikasa offered, standing up and stretching. I nodded, turning to Eren to see that he hadn't moved from his spot on the floor. Mikasa must have notice too, sighing she walked in front of him. She extended her hand, waiting for him to grab it so she could help him up. "Come on, you need to move a little too." 

He grabbed her hand, allowing her to pull him up even though he didn't help her much. He brushed off his pants, shaking his sore arms and legs as he turned to Mikasa and I. "Armin should probably change, or they're gonna think he's an escaped patient."

I looked down realizing that he was right, it wouldn't be good if I was caught outside of the hospital still wearing the gown. With my luck they'd make me stay longer for trying to escape, even if I don't plan on leaving anyways. "You're right... Can we stop by my room really quick so I can change?" Eren put his arm out in a 'show us the way' motion. I brought them to my room, noticing that there was a backpack sitting in the chair in the corner that I obviously didn't bring. There were also three jackets draped over the chair that I recognized as their own. I turned towards the pair, confused. I guess thy already knew where I was staying then.

Eren shrugged, "I figured you would want to change, plus your other clothes were dirty so the hospital got rid of them." I smiled, grabbing the backpack to pull out fresh clothes. I was grateful that he didn't mention the fact that the ruined clothes I was wearing before were actually his. Not only that, but they were covered in his own mothers blood. "Also, your door was hanging wide open so I locked it and put your keys in there."

"Oh... Thank you, I forgot all about that," I hadn't paid much attention to the door when I left, more focused on getting to the smoke as fast as I could. The fact that Eren went out of his way just to go to my house and grab this stuff for me made me more grateful than I was even able to describe. By now, after everything that he's done for me, I owed him the world, and more. "I'm gonna change really quick," I said, walking into the bathroom that was attached to my room without waiting for their response. 

I chuckled as I pulled the clothes from the black bag, a short sleeve light-blue shirt that I never wore. I didn't wear much color other than blacks, grays, and whites, but Eren had told me that this was his favorite shirt because it matched my eyes. I never wore this shirt, and Eren knew that I wouldn't chose this on my own, so he had to have picked it on purpose. It was definitely hidden towards the far back of my closet. I didn't mind, it was sweet that he had thought that much about it when he could've grabbed any random shirt, even if he only did it to distract his mind. I pulled off the hospital gown, leaving it hanging on the towel rack, and then slipped on the cotton shirt. I quickly changed my boxers to the new pair in the bag and pulled on my favorite pair of black skinny jeans. Peering into the bag I saw that Eren had brought more than he had said. Laying at the bottom was my wallet, keys, a tooth brush, and my favorite book. He really had put a lot of thought into packing. 

I brushed my teeth using the tooth paste that the hospital provided before drying off my tooth brush and shoving it back into my bag. I closed the backpack, throwing it over my shoulder before taking one last look in the mirror that sat above the porcelain sink. I sighed at my reflection, the bandages on my head badly covered the large bruise that peaked out from underneath, and made my hair stick up in every direction. I tried to tame it the best I could, but gave up after a strand refused to stay down. I scanned over my features, the cut across my small nose, the bruise under my right eye, scratches on my chin. I was a mess, and I'm sure it would only start to look worse before it got better. 

Shaking my head I grabbed the door handle, glancing around the room the make sure I wasn't leaving anything behind. When I was sure that I had everything, I opened the door, walking in that Eren and Mikasa weren't in there any longer, and both of their jackets were gone. The voices in the hall led me to see them talking to the doctor who had ran into my room when I woke up earlier. I eyed them suspiciously, wondering why they couldn't have just talked in the room. 

"Oh, Armin!" The doctor exclaimed with a large smile, "I was just telling these two that you're ready for discharge. I just have to get someone to sign a few papers and the. You're all good to go. Do you have a parent or grandparent that I could call."

Eren sighed heavily, interrupting me right as I opened my mouth, "As I told you before, his grandfather died, and his parents are out of the country. The only adults he has are my parents, so why can't my father just sign it so he can leave?"

The doctor nodded, keeping a calm face even at Eren's snippy tone, "I just need Armin to confirm that," he turned to me, his large smile returning, "Is this true?"

I nodded, "The only person who can sign right now is their father, Grisha. I'm sure you know who he is," the doctor nodded at that, of course he knew Grisha. Everybody knew Grisha Jaeger; he was Shiganshina's top doctor. 

"Of course, I'll bring this to him right away," he held up a handful of papers, "As for the garden, you can go out there, there's no way to leave from there anyways."

I smiled, thanking him before walking towards the elevator with Eren and Mikasa close behind me. When we got in the elevator, Eren pushed a jacket against my chest, waiting for me to grab it. He shrugged at my confused glance, not removing the jacket, "I brought it from my house since I assumed that you wouldn't have a warm enough one at your house." I knew I didn't have one, and I was glad that he had thought about that, along with everything else. I grabbed the gray jacket, pulling it in over my thin shirt. It was much warmer than anything I owned, and I was grateful that I'd have it while going outside. "You can keep it," he paused, adding before I could refuse, "it's too small for me anyways."

"Thank you," I smiled, lifting my arm and lacing our fingers together. 

The elevator dinged, signaling that we had reached the ground floor. Mikasa stepped out first, us right behind her with our hands still interlocked. We followed the signs for the garden, which was much further than any of us had assumed, but we got there eventually. Even though we did have to ask a nurse how to get there after we got lost somewhere in the lower level pediatric wing. 

Standing in front of the large glass doors, I braced myself for the cool outside, sighing when the cold air rushed in and hit my face as the doors were shoved open. Stepping out, I slowly walked down each step with Eren, careful not to slip on the ice that seemed to be building up on the concrete staircase. That was probably a danger hazard considering this was a building full of sick, weak people. But we made it down without any incidents, walking down a path on the right that led us through tall twisting bushes and shrubs. They were all covered in a thick blanket of snow, though at least the path had been shoved, snow piles lining the narrow walkway. We followed the path until it led us to a clearing with a small gazebo sitting in the center, surrounded by large bushes of wilting roses. The plants had been able to survive up until now, the snow serving as the final blow to kill them all off. It was sad really, it stole the last ounce of color from the otherwise dull town that we lived in. That just left something to look forward to in the spring when the weather began to get warmer, flowers would bloom, spreading various colors all across Shiganshina.

We sat in the gazebo, quietly watching as different doctors led patients around the large garden, some needing more help moving than others. Occasionally, someone would stop to greet us and have a short conversation. I knew neither Eren or Mikasa wanted to talk, so I kept each persons attention on me the best that I could. Looking around the garden in silence, I saw a metal fence peaking over the tops of the tall bushes, noting that there really wasn't a way to escape, we were caged in. Eren and Mikasa may have been able to get out quickly, with there long muscular limbs, but someone would easily spot me and have enough time to stop me before I even got to the top. I wasn't even tall enough to see over the bushes if I jumped, there was no way my short arms and legs could get me over such a sizable fence fast enough. I'd be caught and forced back into the hospital in no time. It's not like I was planning on trying to escape anyways, if anything I'd rather be inside the fence than outside of it right now.

Mikasa sighed, standing up and stretching her arms high above her head. She tilted her head towards us, "I'm gonna go back inside, I'll see you two later." She walked away before we could refuse, heading to a different path than the one we had taken to get here. She probably needed some alone time, which I could understand. Mikasa liked to sort things out herself, she was far too independent to ask for help. I admired her for that strength that she had, even if sometimes I knew that I was better to talk to someone rather than hold it all in and try to solve everything yourself. That could be just as unhealthy as constantly dumping your problems on people; I would know.

Eren tapped his foot lightly on the wood beneath us, gazing up at the gray clouded sky. It had stopped snowing awhile ago, but the dark sky promised that we'd be seeing more soon enough. It was the same color as the smoke from that night, dark gray as far as I could see. My heart sped up, but I quickly distracted myself by studying Eren's blank features, his dull eyes. He was hurting so badly, I just wanted to force him to speak, to tell me what he was thinking. "How have you been doing?" I asked, watching as his gaze shifted to meet mine and then back up to the sky.

He shrugged, "I've been fine."

I shook my head, unable to except that since we both knew that it wasn't true. "That's a lie Eren. You know you can talk to me right? I'm here for you, I want to help you," concern flooded my voice, and he looked back over at these words, this time locking gazes.

"I know, I just..." He shrugged again, he was doing that a lot lately. He kept trying to push the fact that he was indifferent to all of this, even when we all knew how badly this was hurting him. "It's hard, you know? We're all struggling right now, even you. You were just as close to her, you were the one who found her and saved her. I know it's hurting you too. It's not fair for me to push my troubles on the rest of you when I know you're going through the same exact thing." He looked away, refusing to stare at me for any longer. I knew how hard it was for him to open up like this, it was surprising that he had said anything. 

"I get that," I whispered, staring at the same dying rose bush that had captivated his attention. "But, since we are all going through the same thing, we have to be here for each other. Right now, all we have is each other, even with all the people that we know. Nobody understands what we are all feeling. The best people to talk to right now are the ones who understand."

"I know what you're saying, but I just..." He paused, dragging his hands down his face. "It's so damn hard, sitting here. Not being able to do anything, I can't even go see her. I don't care what she looks like, or how bad she's doing. I just want to see her, at least one more fucking time if that's all that I'm going to get... It fucking hurts, so damn bad, knowing that there's nothing I can do to help her. It's killing me inside, but I can't do anything to stop this horrible feeling." His honest words surprised me, but the anguish in his voice, sadly, did not. 

I pulled him into a hug, unable to hold myself back any longer. I needed this type of contact, I needed to know that he was there for me, just as much as he knew that I was there for him. "I know, I know," I said quietly, soft voice muffled by his jacket, "It's hard, and it hurts, but it will be okay. No matter what happens, it will be okay. I'm here for you." 

He pulled me close, his tall frame shaking. He was struggling so, so hard to stop the tears, to hold them in just a little longer. But he couldn't, they came out in a huge flood, like the damn had finally broke , letting every feeling he had been holding back escape. I held him tighter, rubbing slow circles on his back with my hand as he shook. It wasn't easy listening to his broken cries, it hurt more than I could explain. But he needed this, he had to let these feelings go. If he had any chance of getting better, he had to let it out. 

His crying had come to a gradual stop, and eventually he stood up, straightening his back. He wiped at the tears remaining on his red face, sniffling, his breathing still choppy. I grabbed his hand, rubbing my thumb against the top of it in small soothing motions. A smile graced his features, and I could tell that he was thanking me with his eyes. I smiled back, knowing that he would be okay, that he would make it through this. 

"We should probably head back," I pointed my thumb behind me with my free hand. We had been out there for quite awhile, by now we were both cold, upset messes. Going inside and warming up would be the best thing to do now. 

He nodded, pulling me along as he led us through the maze of bushes, finally finding the doors that would lead us back inside. The warmth of the inside was sweet relief, defrosting our frozen skin, and warming out limbs so that we could feel them again. Eren had begun to lead me through the halls right away, heading away from the side of the hospital that we needed to be in to get back to Grisha and Mikasa. I was confused, but said nothing, allowing him to take me wherever he wanted. Eren looked sure of where he was going, so I didn't question it; he obviously had something in mind.

Eren stopped in front of a quaint cafe that was near the pediatric wing, he must have noticed it when we were on our way outside. "Do you want hot chocolate?" He asked, bringing me inside before I could answer, not that I'd turn down an offer like that anyways. 

"Yeah, that would be nice," I sighed pleasantly at the smell of cinnamon that was pungent in the warm atmosphere. It was a small, calming place, different from most of the hospitals restaurants and shops. It had simple decor, and small areas for sitting to eat and chat over food and drinks. Not many people were in here, so the line was short. Eren quickly paid for two drinks, handing over a few dollars and then thanking the cashier, leaving his change a metal can that read 'Tips' in swirly letters.. He handed me one of the steamy drinks, the cup hot against my petit hands, before leading me out of the small cafe. It was slightly disappointing that we wouldn't be staying in the comforting place for just a little longer, but we had been gone for awhile. If there was any recent news on Carla, Eren wouldn't want to miss it.

We walked together through the quiet halls, making our way back to the elevators. We ascended in silence, sipping on the hot chocolate, careful not to burn our mouths, urging the elevator to hurry up. Eren had a small smile resting on his lips, as if this short break had provided him with the comfort that he needed to get back on his feet again. He was okay, still just as hopeful, if not more, but not nearly as broken.

Entering the long hallway, one that we had all seen far too much recently, we saw Grisha and Mikasa sitting on the bench, having a quiet conversation. As we walked over to join them, I noticed a couple of doctors on the other end of the hall. I assumed that they would be just like the rest, ignoring us as they made their way past us. But I was wrong.

So many confusing emotions filled my body the moment they stopped in front of us, all of us staring with wide surprised eyes. We waited anxiously for them to speak, hoping more than anything that we would finally get to see her. I glanced to my left to see that Eren's hand had balled into a fist that he held tightly at his sides. His eyes were pleading for good news, begging them to tell him that he could see his mother again, that she was okay.

The older of the two doctors stepped forward, clearing his throat before he spoke to us, "Are you the family of Carla Jaeger?" He asked, his tired voice startling all of us. Nobody knew what to expect at this point. This could only head in two directions.

"Yes, we are," Grisha spoke, the rest of us were speechless. We couldn't be trusted to keep a level head when there was so much nervous energy filling the air around us. 

The man nodded a few times, glancing at the doctor behind him before speaking again. "When your wife arrived, she was in a very poor condition. We chose only the best doctors to operate on her, in hopes of healing everything to the best of our abilities and getting her back to you. But... the wounds, they were too severe, there was nothing we could do to save her. I'm sorry but, she didn't make it."

My stomach dropped at his words, it felt as if my soul had left my body, leaving behind an empty, broken shell. But as much as hearing those words hurt, the fire in my veins so agonizing that my body refuses to move, I wasn't worried about myself.

The only person I was worried about was the boy next to me, the boy so stunned by the words that he had dropped his drink, hot chocolate instantly splattering the walls and floor, his arm still frozen in the air. I watched as the tears filled his eyes again, and he shook his head as if refusing to believe what they were telling him. His entire body shook, and his breathing was coming out in harsh uneven pants. I was like a flip had been switched, and suddenly he wasn't okay anymore. "That's-that's a lie! That's a fucking lie! Why are you lying to us!? LET ME SEE MY MOTHER! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He stepped closer to the doctors, both backing away as if threatened by him.

His despaired cries echoed throughout the halls, catching all of us by surprise. We all had turned to him, in a stunned silence, nobody knowing how to react. But I was quick to snap myself back into reality, resting my drink down on the becnh and moving to him before anyone else was able to process what he was saying. I put my hand on his arm, trying to calm him down, "Eren, shh it's okay, calm down. It's not their fault," my voice shook, and I struggled to hold back the tears that burned the back of my eyes.

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down!" He shouted, yanking his arm away only to point an accusing finger into my chest with a hard jab. "You can't tell me to do anything! That was MY fucking mother! Don't tell me-" his voice broke on a rough sob, his body deflating as he let the pain take over.

"Eren..." I pulled him into my arms, desperately trying to comfort him. Struggling to do anything before he broke completely, but I was too late for that. I held his body against my own with weak arms, my mind spinning.

To my surprise, he roughly shoved me off of him only a few moments later, pushing me back a few steps with almost enough force to knock me over. "Don't fucking touch me Armin, I don't need your damn sympathy!" 

"Eren please..." I slowly reached out for him again, pleading for him to just let me in, to let me help him. He needed someone right now, he couldn't go through this alone. If he did, it would break him beyond repair, and I couldn't let him do that to himself.

He slapped my hand away, and I pulled it to my chest wincing at the stinging sensation. "I said DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" He backed away a few steps shaking his head as tears ran down his face in an endless flow. "Leave me the hell alone, don't come near me. I don't wanna see your face right now!"

His words stung, but I was already numb far before he tried to hurt me. Yet somehow, his hateful words had still affected me, still burned inside of me. My voice rose as fear took over, "Eren that's not true! You're only saying that because you're hurt and scared and upset! I get that, but please, just let me help you! I'm here for you," I took a few steps forward, my eyes locked with his own.

He looked like a cornered animal, and he pushed me back again, forcing me away from him. "I said stay away, want part of that did you not fucking comprehend?! Did you hit your head that hard?!" Those words shot straight through me, leaving me paralyzed in place, unable to except that fact that this was Eren saying these things to me. Each word felt like an arrow through the chest, and it was getting harder and harder to breath.

"Eren, stop! please!" the tears finally fell; I couldn't hold them back anymore, warm streaks running down my face. My sentences were chopped by the harsh tears and sniffles coming from me. "I know you don't mean that! Please... don't go," I tried, one last time to get near him, to save him. But he only shoved me away again, this time he pushed so hard that I fell to the ground with a hard thud. I stared up at him in surprised, flabbergasted that he would ever even consider hurting me physically, even when he was in this state of shock.

He only shook his head, angry eyes glaring down at me. "I warned you Armin, but you didn't listen! Stay the HELL away from me! I FUCKING HATE YOU! THIS IS YOUR DAMN FAULT, SHES DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU! SO JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY!" He shouted, turning away to run down the hall.

I couldn't force out the words until he completely disappeared, even then I whispered them so weakly that I knew nobody heard my broken voice. "I know." 

I sat on the cold floor, unable to move, unable to think. I only stared after him, praying that he'd change his mind and turn around, that he would come back. I stared until I couldn't even do that anymore, salty tears clouding my vision. I fell to the ground, all energy drained from my body completely, every ounce of emotion that I had left in me was gone. So I stared at the white ceiling above me as the meaningless tears continued to flow, my numb mind unsure of where to go from here.

I didn't move when I heard Grisha break down behind me, or when Mikasa's small sobs began to echo throughout the halls. I didn't move when the doctors came to me, speaking words that's my brain couldn't even begin to process. I didn't even move when the world around me began to spin, everything going fuzzy, my eyes no longer able to focus.

He was right, it was all my fault. Carla was dead, and it was all because of me. She didn't deserve this, she shouldn't be dead, this shouldn't have happened. Not to her. Carla was strong, stronger than anyone I knew. So how had she died? She wasn't supposed to die. I saved her, she was supposed to make it through this, so she could live out the east of her life. She was supposed to be alive.

But that was a lie, it was a stupid lie that I told myself to convince my mind that I hadn't killed her. But she was dead because of me, I didn't save her. I could've gotten her help sooner, gotten to her faster. Maybe then she wouldn't be dead. Maybe then I wouldn't have lost Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry Carla ;-; I didn't want her to die, but it's for the plot! I hope you all enjoyed chapter nine, I'm sorry I killed Carla


	10. Waiting For Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this earlier than I normally do, but oh well. Starting tomorrow I'll actually be on vacation until next Monday so I'm not sure if there will be a Saturday update. But it's a 14 hour drive so it gives me time to write. Whatever happens, happens I guess. Also, it's looking like there's going to be about 22 chapters including the epilogue, so we still have a ways to go. I'm so excited for all of the chapters coming up! And as always, I hope you all enjoy chapter ten.

I sat in my bed, blankets pooling around my small form. Staring out the small crack in the curtains covering my window, blocking most of my view of the outside world. Warm yellows and oranges gracefully swirled in through the open space, tinting a thin strip of my room. Birds were chirping happily outside, excited to see that the sun was beginning to rise again. If only I could feel just as happy, if only I could feel at all.

It had been over two weeks, two fucking weeks, since Carla died. I hadn't slept much, most nights I'd wake up screaming and crying, a sweaty shaking mess. Sleeping had become more exhausting then just staying awake through the nights. Every time I closed my eyes images from the incident would flash through my mind like a slideshow. I could hear screaming and crying, the blaring sirens, and Eren yelling at me. I'd constantly have to change the sheets that had become drenched in my sweat, by then I couldn't fall asleep again even if I tried. Other nights, I'd sit wedged in the corner, staring at the wall across from me, letting my mind wander. I thought about everything, anything that caused me pain. But I had yet to cry, the tears would never come because I couldn't feel a thing. My numb body refused to care, refused to let me feel an ounce of the anguish that my mind was going through. Everything hurt, but at the same time I felt absolutely nothing at all. I was an emotionless mess, unable to even properly take care of myself at this point. 

School meant absolutely nothing to me anymore; I knew my grades were rapidly declining every day. Showing up took too much effort, effort that I wasn't willing to spend on the one place that I hated almost more than anything. Before, I tried hard in school to ensure that I would eventually make a better life for myself. But that didn't matter anymore, none of that mattered to me. It was all meaningless hopes and dreams, and I couldn't ignore that fact that even I knew they'd eventually be crushed. Hopes and dreams meant shit to the dreary town, if anything Shiganshina enjoyed watching them crumble in its grasps. 

For the past two weeks, I was sure that I had only attended school about three times. Not that my brain was all there anyways, I couldn't focus on anything. My mind was always bouncing from one topic to the next, though it usually had something that concerned everything that happened two weeks ago. Those torturous thoughts could plague my mind for hours upon hours, endlessly thinking about it until I wore myself down so much that I could sleep without dreaming. 

Every time I convinced myself to go, there was always a small part of me that hoped to see Eren. I knew it was pathetic, that he didn't want to see me and if he did see me then he'd probably avoid me. But even then I couldn't help but look, knowing that just a quick glance at him would finally calm my nerves that seemed to constantly be on edge. Then again, why would he even be at school? He just lost his mother, of course he would need some time off. And here I was hoping to see him, truly pitiful.

I let my eyes shift down to the clock sitting on my bedside table, sighing when I realized that I still had two hours before I had to be up for school. Today, I was forcing myself to go, needing the distraction for just a little while. Sitting at home doing nothing besides staring at a wall and pretending to sleep all day had gotten quite boring after awhile. Even I needed a break from myself sometimes and school on a Monday seemed like the perfect solution. I could get out the house, stop sulking, and finally do something productive. Well, if productive meant forgetting where I was and spacing out all day, that is.

Exhaustion had practically taken over at this point, but I was also annoyed. Frustrated with the happy sounds of the birds, and the rest of the bustling wildlife. With the warm rays of the sun, urging me to get up and do something. It all seemed so upbeat and peaceful, when my life at the moment was anything but that. I was living in a constant state of absolute nothingness. I felt nothing, did nothing. My life revolved around a single word; nothing.

I couldn't eat, every time I tried it would all just regurgitate. After awhile I had given up on forcing food into my stomach, knowing all too well that it wouldn't stay there. The only thing that seemed to be keeping me alive was the fact that I could hold down water and saltines, but that was all. That had become my daily diet. Water for breakfast and lunch, then I treated myself to some saltines for dinner. As long as I ate something I'd be okay, or so I had told myself. I could tell I was losing weight, I both felt and saw the difference. I was always weak and shaking from the lack of nutrients. My clothes had all become more baggy, no longer able to fit to my body as I slowly became smaller and smaller.

Sighing, I slid to the edge of the bed, moving each heavy limb one by one. They felt as if they had weights attached to the end of them, but I was also tired. Hanging over the edge, I leaned forward until I could stand, taking a few moments to get my vision back since it disappeared as soon as I stood. Moving to the door, I grabbed my towel and left the room, making my way into the bathroom located directly next to it. Closing the door and flipping on the light switch, I began undressing, placing my dirty clothes on the counter. Most days I didn't bother changing my clothes before bed, usually sitting in the clothes I wore that day. What was the point of changing if I didn't even sleep?

I turned on the shower, waiting until the steamy water was hot enough to burn my skin, leaving it a dark red color. I stepped into the shower, savoring the way the hot water bit at my skin as it rolled down my body. I poured shampoo into my hand, scrubbing it throughout my hair before rinsing it all out. Then, after washing my body, I let my eyes slowly flutter shut. The warmth against my skin was unbearable, but at the same time I relished the feeling. It burned my skin to the point that my eyes began to water, but I felt so alive. My empty body felt real again and I never wanted the feeling to go away. 

But I knew I had been in there long enough. So shutting off the water, I pulled back the curtain to grab my towel. Wrapping it around my dripping body, I carefully stepped out of the shower and gathered up my dirty clothes. Making my way back into my bedroom, I turned on the light and threw the dirty clothes into the basket in the corner that was overflowing with them. I really needed to wash those, but I couldn't find it in myself to actually do it. My clothing supply was beginning to dwindle, but even then I didn't care. Some days I'd walk around the cold house in nothing but my boxers, other times I'd only wear sweat pants. Only because I couldn't find it in myself to care anymore. But now, I had to wear real clothes since the people at school probably wouldn't appreciate me walking around in just a pair of boxers. But who knows, maybe some people are into the type of thing.

Tugging on my black jeans along with a black t-shirt and turning off the light in my closet, I walked back into the bathroom. I stared into my reflection in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, the bruises and scratches on my pasty skin were beginning to fade. The bruises has turned a gross green and yellow color, though they were faded enough that I didn't care anymore. Earlier on, when they were still in the process of healing, they were ugly colors that constantly changed and were often swelled more than I would've liked. When I left the house, and actually went to public places, people would stare. I could feel their eyes on me, continuously judging me. Probably assuming that I got into fights, or that my parents were beating me. Neither was true, but I didn't need to stop and explain that every time someone stared, otherwise I'd never get a chance to breath. It wasn't their concern anyways, what ever happened to me was my own business.

Rinsing my mouth and putting away my toothbrush, I left the bathroom and made my way towards the dark kitchen at the end of the hall. I poured water into a glass and sat at the small table, letting the sunlight pouring in from the window guide me throw the kitchen. I winced with every sip of water, my stomach trying to reject it, my hands struggling to put the cup down. But if I planned on going to school today, I would need something in me.

When the water was gone I left the empty cup on the table, rising and making my way to the front door. I sighed as I slipped on my sneakers, even though I had forgotten socks there was no point going back to my room to get them now. I just wanted to escape this damn house, get a fresh breath of air. I had been doing that whenever a burst of energy hit recently, trudging through the snow and trees surrounding my house. Whenever the urge hit I would find myself outside, walking until my body couldn't handle the cold any longer.

Opening the door, I stepped outside into the frigid atmosphere, it was snowing again. White flakes drifted peacefully, landing on the exposed skin of my arm and melting into tiny puddles. I slammed the front door behind me, twisting the key in the metal knob to lock it, and then shoved the key into my front pocket. Walking down the driveway with just a pencil in my hand, I shivered as the cold air began to burn against my skin. Gripping the pencil tighter, and walking just a bit faster, I was able to make it to the bench by my bus stop. I sat on the cold wood, back toward the table, staring down the road in the opposite direction that the bus would come from. I stared off towards Eren's house, hoping that maybe, if I was lucky enough, I'd see two figures walking to me.

But that didn't happen, instead I sat in silence, the wind nipping my face. For forty five minutes I waited for them to arrive, every movement caught my attention, my brain immediately thinking that it could possibly be them. It never was them though, not for the forty five minutes that I waited, and not for the rest of the time that I sat staring at their empty seats on the heated bus. 

Even after I got off the bus and my eyes automatically locked onto the brick wall where they would often wait for me, I didn't find them. Not as I walked down the crowded halls, forcing my way through to get to my first period class. I didn't even see them when I skipped my class, walking even further to get to Eren's, without even realizing where I was going. I shook my head, turning around to get back to my own class. It was a useless effort, and I couldn't be certain of why I would've thought that today, after two weeks of them not being here, they'd finally show up. 

Sitting at the back of the class in first period, I watched as the room filled. People would try taking quick glimpses at me, as if I didn't notice them. I could feel the scrutinizing gazes of every person that walked into the room, but ignored them all, keeping my head down. They didn't matter, I didn't care what they thought; they were probably just surprised that I was here again. At this point, I wondered why I even bothered coming as the bell had rang and my teacher addressed the class. But I couldn't listen, it was as if their lips were moving but no words came out. When people tried to speak to me I could only stare in confusion, hoping that they would just give up and go away. I wasn't worth talking to anyways.

Both first and second period seemed to fly by, but that might have been because my brain was on autopilot. I spaced out while my body moved all on its own, I couldn't even remember entire chunks of the class, they were just a fuzzy blur. My mind only paid attention to the important stuff; like when the bells rang, when I was given work to do, and when the teacher eventually took the work away seeing that I wasn't going to do it anyways. It was the same as every other time that I showed up, I guess they had just stopped caring by now.

After second period ended, I shuffled to third; French with Levi. I could only imagine how he'd try to get my attention this time. Since the last three times I came he assumed that sitting on my desk, slapping it with a meter stick, and even throwing a maker past my head would be enough to get me to pay attention. And yes, he tried all three things. None of them made me budge. It was like a fly was buzzing around; annoying, but not worth my attention.

I could tell it was angering him, he wasn't used to students being so defiant. Though he also had been informed of what happened with Eren's mother, so I guess that's why he was being a bit more understanding than usual. Not that I cared whether he was understanding about it or not, if he didn't like how I was acting then I would leave. It was a long walk home but I could always use the time to myself. 

Stepping into his classroom, I sat at the desk next to his own like I had been doing the past few times that I was in here. I set my pencil down and leaned my elbows on the desk, resting my face in my hands. I knew Levi had seen me, since he was sitting at his desk watching as people entered, but he didn't say anything. He refused to acknowledge my existence, which I was perfectly okay with. Neither of us were in the mood to deal with each other today, and that was okay.

My eyes met with everyone's who walked in, though most only looked away like they shouldn't have been looking at me in the first place. I wasn't sure why everyone had become so tense around me all of a sudden. I realize that I was gone a lot and was practically a zombie at this point, but it wasn't like they needed to be so nervous in my presence. Just seeing me seemed to have them all on edge.

One pair of eyes didn't look away, and I was surprised, especially when they kept walking towards me. They were such a familiar color, a deep turquoise with golden flakes, my favorite pair of eyes. But they were different, dull and lifeless. I didn't like them like this, I didn't like the way they were so void of emotion. That was also when I recognized who those beautiful eyes belonged to; it was Eren, staring right back at me, refusing to tear his gaze away from my own.

His eyes stayed locked with mine, all the way until he sat down at the desk next my own. Finally, I looked away, unsure of what to say to him. The silence between us was thick with tension, neither knowing how to react to seeing the other. I had been waiting for this moment, for two fucking weeks, and yet somehow I was still so unprepared to see him. I hadn't thought past this part, I just wanted to see him, to be near him even though I knew how agonizing it would be. But now that I was here, sitting in the pain of being in his presence, I had no clue on how to move forward. 

Eren seemed as if he'd rather not talk to me anyways, not that I minded. My brain currently wasn't able to conjure up the right words to say. Everything sounded wrong in my head, given the situation we were in; everything we had been through, everything that he had said to me. His words had been permanently imprinted on my brain, a constant in my head. I kept running over the words, trying to find something that told me he didn't mean them, that they were meant for someone else. But I was fooling myself, I knew he meant for those words to be said to me.

Ever since Eren walked in, the strange looks I had previously been receiving only grew ten times worse. It was already bad enough that I had shown up, but now Eren was here too after such a long disappearance. And what more, we were sitting directly next to each other. People couldn't resist the urge to stare, and it was making me uncomfortable. I shifted in my seat, my eyes trying to look at anything but their burning gazes. My eyes drifted over to Levi, noticing the deep scowl on his face as he looked around the room. He must have noticed how everyone was staring at Eren and I also, and was obviously not happy about it.

As much as I hated to say it, Levi really was a good person. He was blunt, rude, grumpy, and definitely a huge asshole. But once you looked past his flaws, you could tell that he really cared. So now, sitting in his class, I was able to feel more comfortable than I had been all day. Whenever someone decided to look our way for too long, Levi's glare would instantly scare them away. He was actually protecting the two of us, probably understanding how hard it was just for us to be here. Suddenly, I was almost guilty for all the times I skipped his class, and all of the problems that I gave him. Almost; I couldn't find the energy to actually feel real guilt, but it's was there, I could tell. 

Once the bell rang and class started, Levi assigned us pages from our workbooks. Neither Eren or I moved, unsurprisingly. Instead we continued to sit in an awkward silence, watching the clock tick as time slowly passed. For some reason I had become hyper-aware of my surroundings, unlike the past two weeks were I could barely tell that I was still alive. It was weird, gaining all of this feeling back after it had been gone so long. I knew why I was feeling this way again, but I couldn't find it in myself to admit it.

The voice coming from my left startled me, my body flinching at the sound. "Hey, can we talk at lunch?"

I turned to Eren, looking around to make sure there was no one else near us who could've been speaking. But we were alone, so it had to be Eren who had said that. My brain slowly processed what he said, butterflies suddenly fluttering in my stomach when I realized what he had asked me. Then I remembered that I should probably reply instead of leaving him to sit there in silence, "O-Oh! Yeah! Of course," a very obviously forced grin spread across my face and I cringing internally at my own awkwardness. 

"...Thanks." Was all he said before facing forward again. I took the chance to look over him, after not seeing him for so long. He was still just as beautiful, as captivating as ever. But my eyes stopped on the bruise on his wrist that was peaking out from underneath his jacket, and I frowned. He must have noticed though, because he was quick to pull his sleeve up to cover it, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

I sighed, burying my face in my arms on top of the desk, glad that the conversation had ended so quickly. I really wasn't in the mood for talking, especially not to Eren. As much as I missed him, there was nothing I had to say to him, nothing I could say to him. He left me stranded in the hospital, laying on the floor and struggling to pick up my own broken pieces until I just eventually gave up. I had been so damn empty ever since then, the world meant nothing to me anymore, life meant nothing. And now, after all this time, he showed up and decided that he wanted to talk. Of course, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him anyways, but it still wasn't fair. Not after everything he put me through. I knew it was selfish to think like this, but it was also selfish of him to think that he was the only one hurting back then. I was hurting too, until he left me that is; after that all I felt was an overwhelming, tingling numb sensation. Along with indifference, because nothing really mattered anymore. 

I must have fallen asleep on the desk like that, so exhausted that I couldn't even dream at this point. My body jerked awake at the sound of the bell. My blurry eyes struggled to focus, and my brain attempted to process where I was exactly. Though it all became clear when I saw Levi with a book in his hand, sitting at his desk in the empty classroom. He didn't bother to wake me even though I knew he heard the obnoxious bell, and I wasn't sure if I was more peeved or grateful. Maybe he noticed that I was lacking the sleep I needed, and just let me rest. I guess appreciated it, already feeling better, more level-headed.

I gathered up my stuff –my single pencil– and began to stand. "Sit back down," Levi ordered calmly from beside me, without even looking up from what he was reading.

I glanced over at him, shifting from foot to foot, trying to decided whether to leave or just listen and sit back down. "I have to get to fourth period," I stated as if it wasn't already obvious.

He sighed, taking off his glasses and resting them on his desk along with the paperback book. He folded his hands in his lap and looked up at me. "You already are missing fourth period, and are you really going to tell me that you'd rather go see that crazy woman than just stay in here." He motioned to the quiet, peaceful room. He had a fair point. 

I shook my head, taking my seat again. I had to agree, my chemistry teacher was an undeniably exuberant woman. Of course, she would always call it passion, not that I doubted her in the least. Hanji Zoë was the human equivalent of passion, it could be overwhelming but at least her class was never boring. Exciting, but most times also dangerous. I could remember more than just a few times where we had to evacuate the building because one of her experiments had gone terribly wrong. It was strange that Levi knew where I would be heading next, but the teachers did have all of their students schedules so I guess it wasn't really that incredibly weird.

Fourth period ended up being far more mellow than I assumed it would be, mostly because I was with Levi instead of Hanji. It also seemed to be his planning period, so we were left alone for the entirety of the hour. I had tried speaking to him a few times, but after awhile he forced me to shut up and do the French work that he assigned in class today. I did so quietly, and turned it in on time for the bell to ring yet again, signaling that it was lunch. Suddenly, I wished that Levi would tell me I could stay longer, that I could hide in here all day. But sadly, he said his goodbyes, opening the door to allow me to stroll back out into the halls that were gradually filling up with students.

I tried to delay finding Eren the best that I could, not that it worked very well. I must've been much closer to his last class than I had thought. A hand landing on my shoulder told me that was true, startling me as I glanced behind me with doe eyes to see who had grabbed me. Eren was staring back, and quickly retracted his hand as if touching me had burned him. "H-Hey," I stuttered, turning around to face him.

"Uh, yeah... Hi," he rubbed the back of his neck and his eyes shifted away awkwardly. "So, um... Come on," he waved me on, walking past me to lead me down the hallway. I followed behind, keeping a bit of distance between the two of us, it was too uncomfortable walking next to him. I wasn't sure where he was bringing me exactly, but it was quite a long walk. That's when I realized where we were going; to the windowless shed at the back of the school. He must have assumed I'd be more comfortable talking in an area that I was used to. That was my hiding place when school became too overwhelming, of course he would take me here.

He took a seat on the old rickety bench, motioning for me to join him. I sat down next to him, trying to sit far enough away that we weren't touching, but not so far that the distance made speaking to one another difficult. The air was thick, and I wasn't sure whether I was shivering because I was sitting in the cold with no jacket, or that I was finally alone with Eren again. Both tended to have the same affect on me.

"Why aren't you wearing a jacking, it's freezing outside. You're gonna get sick," he stated with a frown, crossing his arms.

"I don't need one, I'll be fine," I told him, shrugging while trying to suppress the shivers that threatened to travel through me. Yes, I was definitely cold, but I wouldn't let him know that.

"Yeah... Anyways, um," Eren refused to make eye contact, eyes darting anywhere but on me. It was kind of offensive given what we were about to talk about. "About what I said at the hospital... I didn't really mean that you know?"

I nodded my head, waiting for him to continue. But he didn't, instead he sat in silence. Was he serious? Did he really think that was all he had to say for me to be able to forgive him? I shook my head in disbelief, my exasperation probably clear on my face, if the confusion on Eren's own was anything to go by. "Seriously? That's all you have to say, after everything you told me and everything you did to me at the hospital? You think that's gonna solve it all and I'll just forgive you? Just like that?" I scoffed, shaking my head.

"What else am I supposed to say?" His voice rose, anger seeping into his expression. "Huh?! What else do you expect from me? You know I didn't mean what I said! I was just told I lost my fucking mother, I wasn't thinking straight!" I probably should've been more careful with how I spoke to him, knowing that he was still sensitive about it all right now. But there was no stopping myself now.

"Obviously you weren't! Otherwise you wouldn't have shoved me to the floor! And you wouldn't have blamed me for her damn death!" My own voice grew louder, unable to keep calm any longer.

"You've got to be kidding me! You can't be serious! Armin, I just lost my fucking mother! These have been the shittiest two weeks of my life BY FAR, and now I have to deal with this too? I don't have time for your shit!" He stood up angrily, slamming his hands onto the wooden table, causing the whole bench to shake. His jaw was clenched and he was visibly shaking, though I'm sure it was because I pissed him off, and not because he was cold. His knuckles had turned white with how hard he was pressing his hands into the table below him, and his hair was covering parts of his face, but I still could that he was fuming.

"So what, you're just gonna run away again?" I didn't mean for those words to come out. But I was so frustrated with him, I couldn't stop the sentence from escaping.

"Maybe I fucking will! How can you be so damn inconsiderate?" He was glaring down at me, refusing to sit. He was probably trying to make me feel small and weak, attempting to intimidate me, but it really wasn't working. I doubted he would actually do anything; not that I should be so sure. The last time we fought he actually shoved me to the ground, which was more than surprising.

"Me? Inconsiderate? Eren, I'm hurting too, do you not realize that?! I was close to your mother! I had to drag her out of a fucking burning car! Those images haunt me, I can't sleep, I can't eat! And you're calling ME inconsiderate?!" I couldn't believe him, he had to be joking!

"Yes! That was MY mom! Everything is going wrong, Armin! Now I have you against me too! I can't handle this! This is hard on me too, my ENTIRE life was just turned upside-down! Everything I thought I knew has changed, including you now! I can't do this!" His voice was beginning to break, and I felt the regret instantly slam into my body when a tear fell down his cheek, it glistened against the soft glow of the sun peeking through the dark clouds in the sky. The snow had stopped some time earlier this morning, making sitting out here a bit more endurable.

"Eren... Please don't cry. I know this is hard on you, but it's been hard for me too. I just need you to understand that," I didn't move to hug him, or to wipe the tear away. As much as my hand itched to reach up and stroke his cheek, I sat still, not daring to try to comfort him. As if I'd try that again after what happened last time.

"Yeah, mhm. I understand. Because my feelings don't matter right? Because after two weeks of not seeing you, two weeks of sitting in a dark, empty room waiting for you, that's what it feels like. I mean shit to you, my feelings mean shit to you."

"No! That's not what I meant! Of course you matter! Of course your feelings matter!" I accidentally shouted, followed by an irritated sigh, "You TOLD me that you didn't want to see me, and that it was all my fault! Did you actually expect me to show up after saying that?! I thought about how much I missed you for two damn weeks, you were the one person I needed to see! But I couldn't, because I assumed you were still upset with me! You can't blame me!"

"I can't blame you? So what, you wanted me to run to you and apologize with EVERYTHING else that I was, and still am, going through? You can't expect me to do everything Armin! Even if I was still angry you could have visited!" He rolled his eyes, pacing back and forth next to the table, his finger threaded through his hair in a tight fist. He was looking up to the sky as if that's where he could find all of the answers to his problems.

"I don't expect you to do everything, is that really what you think? I've tried so hard for this relationship to work Eren, even with everything else that's going on in our lives, but I can't be the only one putting in an effort! I don't think its gonna work out if it's like this!" By now I was spitting out everything that came to mind, without realizing what the consequences of my words may be.

"Oh, so now this is about our relationship?! This just keeps getting better!" Eren let out a fake laugh, "Are you saying that I don't put enough into our relationship either?! Because I'm pretty sure I've done WAY more for you than you've done for me, and yet I've said absolutely nothing about it! But yeah, next time I'll remember to give it a bit more effort because I'm obviously not already fucking good enough for you!"

"You're plenty good enough, if anything you're too good for me! But you're taking it the wrong way! You keep accusing me of so much stuff, and you're angry because of everything that I'm doing! It seems to be more like IM not good enough for YOU! This isn't a healthy relationship!"

"Fine, then it doesn't have to be a relationship at all! It's over, we're done! I don't know why I EVER thought that it would be a good idea in the first place! It was real stupid of me to think that wasn't it?! Im done, I'm leaving," he yelled as he began to walk away.

"Eren stop! Come back!" I jumped up to chase after him as he tried to get away from me, almost tripping over the bench as I climbed over it. I couldn't let him go again, I had to fix things while I still had the chance. "I still want to be in a relationship with you! But I think there's stuff that we need to work out!" He stopped and I almost ran directly into his back, stopping with just an inch or two between us.

He turned on me quickly, apparently not minding the lack of space between us. His voice still had hints of anger in it, but for the most part he was able to speak calmly. "I think we both just need some time alone." 

He stared at me, as if waiting for me to agree. But we already had spent so much time away from each other, why would he want even more? I was about to respond, telling him that I didn't think that was a good idea, but he cut me off. I was confused for a few moments, before I realized that Eren had pushed me up against the shed, the wood digging into my back as his lips smashed into my own. My lips started to move against his all on their own, in slow desperate motions. My arms wrapped around his back, needing him closer, needing to feel his body pressed tightly against me. I was wedged between him and the shed, my head tilted back to meet him as he leaned down. His tongue slid across the crease of my lips and I instantly gave him access, unable to hold myself back. His tongue plunged into my mouth, fighting against my own in quick swirling motions. He had his hand on either side of my head, his fingers digging into the dark wood of the dilapidated building. My back arched off the shed, pressing us even closer, almost making it hard to breath.

He suddenly stopped, pulling away slightly, and my eyes fluttered open to meet his, both of us lightly panting. His eyes were lit with a passion that I had missed the moment he had walked away in the hospital. And as angry as he was, one look at his eyes and I knew that we would be okay. I could feel his breath ghost across my face with every word that escaped him, "I hate you," it was a hushed, breathless whisper.

"I hate you too," I whispered back with a slight smirk. Eren gave me one final, short kiss before letting his arms fall to his side and taking a few steps backwards.

"I'll see you later," he waved goodbye with a lazy twist of his wrist, turning around and leaving me standing against the shed wondering what the hell had just happened.

Other than an angry, passionate make out session that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just make up or make out already! Oh wait... They already did the second part... Anyways I hope you liked chapter ten! All types of feedback are always very much appreciated! Thank you so much for taking your time to read this, I really am grateful!


	11. The Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July! Also sorry this is late but I just got back super early in the morning from vacation today and needed sleep. I'm leaving again until Wednesday so I hope I'll have time to write but I'm not sure. Anyways I hope you enjoy chapter eleven ft. Armin make up your mind

I didn't not, in fact, see Eren later. He was definitely taking this 'time alone' thing further than I had thought he would. I assumed that it would be for only a day or two, giving us time to collect our thoughts and take in everything that we had told each other. But by the end of the day Thursday, there was no doubt in my mind that he was now completely, and purposely, ignoring me. He refused to even look at me. On the bus ride home he would chat with Mikasa or just stare out the window. In French he would sit on the opposite side of the room, and in history he would make sure everything he would say, was said to Mikasa, and only her. 

Somehow Mikasa had even gotten in in it, and now also was refusing to talk to me. It was as if neither of them even realized that I still existed. To them, I was officially a ghost of the past; the exact thing that I was fighting not to become. It was a bit discouraging to say the least, since it felt like Eren already thought about it and moved on without informing me. Yet I was trying my best to find a way to solve our problems.

Mikasa, Eren and even Jean had been missing from lunch all week. They left me with Connie and Sasha, who talked so much that I couldn't even keep up with what they were saying half of the time. They were very nice people, and made for very good friends, just not people that I could easily hold a conversation with. Thankfully neither of the two seemed to mind my social awkwardness, if anything they looked as if they felt bad for leaving me out of their antics. Sasha even apologized a few times, but I only brushed her off, telling her that I wasn't in the mood to talk anyways. I know it was rude, but it was also the truth; she usually excepted my apology in the form of food anyways.

I was left wondering where the other three were going the entire time though. Since all of them refused to talk to me and neither Connie or Sasha knew where they were going either, I continued to wonder. I didn't normally get along with Jean, since apparently all he knew how to do was tease me. So I tended to avoid talking to him anyways. While I did talk to Mikasa quite often, she hadn't spoken much lately. The only person I've seen her talk to since she came back had been Eren. I didn't really think she was ignoring me, but I could've been wrong. We had been close practically our entire lives, so it was strange that she wouldn't want to talk to me. Though she was obviously much closer to Eren, so I didn't let myself get too offended. She was going through yet another loss, it would be unfair if me to take it personally.

Except now, it had been four days since Eren and I last spoke to each other. I really did want to give him the time that he needed to think about everything, I wanted so badly to let him work this all out for himself before we spoke again. But wasn't four whole days enough? I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go the whole weekend without speaking to him again. If he tried to make me wait that long, there was no doubt in my mind that I would end up on his door step at one am by the time Saturday hit. I had done far too much thinking by now; I was ready to talk to him.

I needed to apologize. Because while yes, we were both very much in the wrong, it wouldn't be fair if only he apologized. I knew that I should've been more supportive because Carla was his mother, not mine. It was unfair of me to think that the loss was the same for the two of us, because it had obviously affected him so much more. I should've tried my hardest to visit him even if he just pushed me away again, if I was a good boyfriend I would've been there for him, but I wasn't. He was in so much pain, and I could've helped him. I could've soothed the agony.

The end result was the pent up frustration and all of the other negative emotions that swirled into that to create one large storm, and we took it all out on each other. That could have all been avoided if I had been even a tiny bit more persistent, if I had at least tried to talk to him instead of sitting in bed all day and sulking. 

It's not like I could have expected him to come to me while he was still grieving. He had just lost one of the people he was closest too, and I had been so insensitive about it all. I really was a horrible boyfriend; I didn't deserve him. And I knew this, but I couldn't stop myself from pursuing him. I wanted him more than anything else, no, I needed him. He was like a drug; so bad for me, but too good to let go. And I was a hopeless, terrible addict. I needed him in my veins.

And I wanted this relationship to work, I wanted to try to make it work for us. As hard as things might have been right now, I knew that we can get past this. It was just one fight, and we will probably have plenty more. But that's only if he gives me a chance to fix all of this. If he does give me that chance, I'd do everything in my power to make things right again. Because I wanted it to work for us, after all the other incidents and problems that we've gone through by now. If nothing else could go right, we could at least try to salvage us. Our relationship, it was worth fighting for, I truly believed that with all of my heart.

I sighed, stepping out of my house and locking the door. I put the cold metal key in my backpack and slung the heavy object over my shoulder, it hit my back with a thud. The breeze danced gracefully across my pale skin, but I ignored it. I had actually remember to wear a jacket today, as opposed to the last four days where I had decided that wearing a jacket while it was snowing outside was unneeded. That was both extremely stupid, and a huge lie. I knew sooner or later I would end up getting myself sick; my body was already weak enough as it was, I didn't need the addition of a cold. 

I still couldn't eat much, the worry that was burning away at the inside of me left me feeling constantly nauseous. I was sleeping a bit more, able to shut my brain off and block out the nightmares. It was only two or three hours of sleep a night before I'd wake up again. But that was still better than only two or three hours a week, it was progress. I was getting there, slowly but surely. By the time this was all over, I could only hope that I'd be back to my old self. I missed being myself, I had changed far too much for my liking in the past two and a half weeks. I couldn't stay this way, not for very long, otherwise I'd probably go insane. 

Eren and Mikasa had been getting a ride to school the entire week so by now I knew not to expect to see them at the bus stop. The empty seats that surrounded me on the bench only emphasized the fact that they were avoiding me. So I would just stand, far away from the bench. I stood next to the tall metal sign, leaning onto it and allowing the cold from the metal to seep into my body through the layers of clothes that were supposed to be keeping me warm. 

That numbness, that horrible feeling that wasn't even a feeling at all, had returned. It took over my body and mind, reducing my energy while increasing the torment my brain put itself through, which only tired me further. I wasn't exactly sure when it came back, it was probably a gradual change over the past four days. Before I knew it, I felt absolutely nothing again. My will to care was gone, and yet I was still striving for Eren. He did weird things to me; it was truly frightening when he had so much control over my emotions, especially when I was sure that I could feel absolutely nothing at all. Yet with Eren, I could feel. The numbness tried to mask it, but I knew it was there.

The bus ride was yet another long drive to school, sitting in the silence that was the only thing keeping me company. The silence and the hum of the old heater served as the only distractions I had from the empty seats besides me. Distractions from Eren, our conversion, and the feel of his soft lips gently moving against my own like heavenly caresses. I craved the feeling again, every time my lips would tingle with the remembrance of what had once been theirs. My body begged me to slam him into the closest wall the next time that I saw him just to get that feeling once more, even if there would be an audience. My body told me that didn't matter, all that mattered was Eren.

I craved that sensation like it was a necessity to my survival, that contact that we shared each and every time we'd kiss. That spark between us that left me with the weirdest kind of high, leaving my stomach full of butterflies and my mind a tangled mess. A painful, yet addictive high and I had to feel it again. Even if it was just one more time. It was agonizing knowing that this may be the end of us, that I'd never get to feel him press against me again. I would never get to feel the way his hands roamed my body. But knowing what was at risk, I would only try that much harder to make him mine again.

Upon arriving at the school, the bus ride being the same typical boring trip, I expected the brick wall to be unoccupied, as it had been for quite awhile. But surprisingly enough, two figures where leaning against the wall, facing each other as they spoke. My face was practically pressed against the window at the sight; I got the quickest glimpse of Eren's cheerful smile as he laughed at something Mikasa must have said. She had a small grin on her face that she didn't even attempt to cover up, but both smiles quickly faded when they realized the bus had arrived. I saw Mikasa push herself off the wall, waving goodbye as she left Eren behind. She must have known about the fighting that was going on between Eren and I; I didn't doubt that he would tell her. That could be another reason as to why she wasn't speaking to me either.

I shuffled off the bus behind a few other students who were definitely taking their time, not that I cared. I walked as slowly as I could to stall passing Eren for as long as possible. As much as I really did want to talk to him, every encounter we've had has been extremely awkward. That was only due to the fact that he'd been avoiding me for the past four days, which we both knew was immensely obvious. 

Maybe if I walked by fast enough, with my head down, he wouldn't notice me. I could hide somewhere in the crowd of students being herded into the school and he would never even know that I passed him. I could run off to class and forget about ever talking to him again.

And that's exactly what I tried, but apparently Eren has the eyes of a hawk. Or maybe I was just conspicuous with how short I was, along with my light blonde hair that he had cut a specific way. He was able to instantly spot me in the large crowd, pushing his way past people to try to get to me. I heard the angry shouts from other students getting louder and louder the closer that he got. I tried my best to sink further down the best I could before I had to start crawling, gripping the straps of my backpack tightly.

I was so close to escaping, if I just disappeared now he would give up and forget about me. Eren could continue ignoring me, and I could continue torturing myself with the thoughts of our conversation. And the thoughts of what he'd tell me when he final came to a decision, if that ever happened. Maybe we'll just stop talking all together; I'll lose a huge part of my life and finally be able to move to the city without a care in the world. That's what I wanted wasn't it?

No, I don't think it was. Because as hard as I tried to hide in the mob, I knew I could've gotten away. If I really didn't want him to catch me, then I would've tried harder, moved faster. But a small part of me was still struggling to just let him go. I wanted to apologize and fix everything, but I also just wanted to move in and forget about him. I had so many doubts about my choices. My brain was in an endless battle with itself and I'm sure that's what was causing this sudden headache. It was like a hammer pounding against the inside of my skull, the vibrations traveling down my spine with every aching pound inside of my head.

I was so sure that I wanted to just apologize and get back together with him. Yet at the same time I knew it would be so much easier to forget about it all and move on. And I was so sure that I wanted to move on, to leave it all behind. But I couldn't, I needed Eren even if we just ended up as friends. Even if I knew I wanted to be more than friends, I'd take him in any way that I could get him. That's what I thought of course, but would I really be able to look him in the eye every day knowing that he'll never be mine again? Probably not. That's the reason part of me just wanted to give up, because I was scared that I really couldn't have him. But if I did give up could I really let go of him? Probably not.

"Armin! Hey, Armin! Wait up!" I heard his voice calling from behind me and sunk further into myself, as if he would lose me now. A strong hand on my shoulder stopped me, the brunet with his glowing eyes stepping in front of me. "Hey, I was calling for you," he grinned.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you," I lied, standing up straight and forcing my own smile.

"Come over here, we're in the way," he pulled me out of the middle of the hallway to get out of the other people' path. "Hey, I know I said we needed time alone and everything. Four days isn't really that much time–" was he kidding? Four days was more than enough "– but I think it's given me enough time to think. And I really want to talk about this, if you're ready that is." It surprised me how upbeat he was; he seemed to have his thoughts figured out. I wasn't sure if that should excite me or scare me; my shaking, sweaty hands told me it was the latter.

"Yeah, I've been thinking to. I'm ready to talk about it;" I told him with a stiff voice, shrugging to feign indifference. I couldn't let him know how nervous I was to hear what he was about to tell me, that I was already bracing myself for the worst. I really hadn't made my mind up, but I wanted to get this over with.

I was ready to apologize of course, and work through our problems if we have to. But who's to say that he wants the same? He was the one who tried to end our relationship the first time, maybe it'll be final this time. I couldn't force him to continue dating me, as much as I really did want to. If he was ready to move on, then I would accept that. Maybe; it's what I told myself I'd do at least. 

"Let's talk over breakfast," he grabbed my hand, pulling me in the direction of the woods. It was surprising that he didn't want to just get it over with like I did, but maybe that was good news. I already knew where we were headed, and readied myself for the difficult trip just to get there.

While the trip was far more challenging than the first time, since the ground was now covered in snow, Eren was also more careful. His arm was extended out and ready to catch me at all times, even just a slight slip and it would wrap around my waist to support my weight. I may have fake slipped on a few occasions to feel the way his arm wrapped around my body just a few more times. But who could blame me, I was going into this expecting the worst.

I only ended up falling one time, only because I insisted that I didn't need help over a large rock, which apparently I actually did. But it gave Eren a good laugh, so I couldn't be too mad at myself for it, even if it left my butt a bit damp. Nothing in my backpack got ruined, and it didn't hurt too bad, so in the end it was okay. A throbbing, wet butt wasn't that big of a deal.

We eventually were able to make our way across the cracked pavement that led to Petra's Diner. I had assumed we would go here, only because it's where he brought me before. But Eren was always exploring so it wasn't unusual for him to find new areas to bring me. Of course, he was also faithful to the people he was close to, Petra being one of them. I enjoyed her food and coffee anyways, so I had no reason to complain. Besides about the fact that we were skipping class yet again to get breakfast together at 'Ral's Diner'.

Petra greeted us as we walked into the building, the bell on the door chiming above us, "Hey Eren! Oh, and you brought the cutie with you again! Y'all can go take a seat and I'll be right with you!" She waved from behind the counter, then continued cleaning dishes in the overflowing sink.

"Thank you Petra!" Eren called back with a smile.

Eren led me to the same booth that we had sat at the first time he brought me here. I slid in after dropping my backpack down next to the booth, folding my arms on top of the table while I watched the snow begin to fall again outside. I was glad that we had made it inside before that started, otherwise getting here probably would've been impossible. Unless Eren carried me on his back. Not that I doubted he would do that, if I begged for long enough he definitely would, but I wasn't really up for being carried by him of all people at the moment. There was still a slight tension between us that I couldn't seem to shake, it had me on edge.

He was acting as if everything was normal between us, even though we both knew that wasn't true. I wasn't sure if he was trying to forget the fact that we were still in an argument, or just pushing it aside. Either way it was making me feel uncomfortable just being near him. I didn't want to forget about all of our problems, because that would only hurt us later on, we would end up holding grudges. That is, if there even is an us later on. 

"Armin... Armin!" I turned towards Eren, startled by his shouting. "I've been calling you for the past minute, are you okay?" He sounded genuinely worried, and I realized that I missed how we were before the accident more than I had previously thought. In that one small moment of worry it felt like we were okay again, if only that were true.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired I guess, I didn't sleep much last night," I wasn't going to tell him it was because I couldn't stop thinking about him. It's hard to sleep when all you can think about is a pair of sparkling Caribbean blue eyes.

Eren was about to respond but was interrupted by a chipper Petra, "Hey you two, it's been awhile! How have you been?" She suddenly stood straight, as if remembering something, and then crouched down, grabbing both of Eren's hands with her own petite hands. "I heard about what happened with your mother, I'm so sorry, honey. That's so horrible what happened to her," she looked as if she was about to cry; she was truly upset about Carla's death. She ran her small fingers through Eren's messy hair, like a mother's sweet caress, bringing them down to hold his chin. 

Eren's eyes grew wide and he glanced at me as if asking for help. He stammered out a response, not exactly sure what to say, "No! Don't cry! It's okay, it's been hard, but I'm doing okay–" he glanced at me and smiled when he said this "– I've had lots of support, I'm really grateful for all of the people in my life."

She nodded, letting go to wipe away a tear. Laughing lightly, the noise floating through the calm atmosphere, she said, "Look at me, I'm a mess and I barely even knew the poor woman... Anyways boys, what can I get for you?" She pulled out her pad of paper and black pen, ready to write down our orders, her eyes still watery.

"Just the usual, your amazing specialty French toast and coffee, pretty please." Eren gave her a bright smile and a wink, which she giggled at as she wrote down his order. I could tell she was trying to hold back her tears, probably because Eren was near. She cared for him as if he were her own child; it was sweet really.

"And how about you sweetheart?" I tried to control the blush that was threatening to creep onto my cheeks at the nickname. I wasn't sure why she had to call me all of these names, especially in front of Eren.

"I'll just have the same, please," I brought my arms up to rest my chin on my hands, trying to hide the red on my cheeks under my jacket, watching as she scribbled on her pad.

"Okay, I'll be right over with that, you two sit tight," she quickly turned and walked away, and I couldn't help but noticed the way she wiped underneath her eyes while her shoulders shook. Petra really was an amazing and caring woman.

"She's really something isn't she?" Eren asked fondly, drawing my attention back to him.

"Yeah, she's so sweet," I said, meeting his gaze, "Shiganshina doesn't deserve her."

Eren chuckled, "I told her the same thing, you know what she said?" I shook my head in response. "She says, 'I could never leave Shiganshina, I've lived here my entire life. This is where I belong.' I can see where she's coming from of course, but a woman like her could do so much good in the world. Even if it's in the form of a small run down diner, I guess."

I nodded, glancing back over at Petra as she poured coffee into two glass mugs. "The world needs more people like her."

Petra looked up just then, grinning as she picked up the tray that held our food and began making her way over. She had a skip to her step, and it was surprising that she didn't drop the tray or spill something. Years of working here must've refined her skill enough that she didn't even have to worry about spilling things anymore. She placed the tray down on the table next to ours, moving the food and drinks to our own table.

"Here you are, I hope y'all enjoy. If you need anything else just call me over," she picked up the tray and held it against her side along with the pad of paper.

"We will, thank you for everything Petra," his words must have held more meaning then it initially seemed. Petra smiled fondly at him, walking away without another word. They acted as if they knew each other their entire lives, even if they only knew each other for just over a year.

We were left in complete and utter silence, the only noises being Petra clanging dishes together in the kitchen as she moved about. "So, uh, can we talk now?" I asked hesitantly, not wanting to break the sudden peace that had washed over us. 

"Huh?" Eren asked, looking up with a mouth full of food. "Oh, yeah! Sorry, yeah we can talk," his voice was muffled and I had to hold back the laughter that threatened to erupt. Now was not the time to start laughing over something so childish.

I sighed, trying to compose my thoughts before I began to talk. But I couldn't, my mind was going a mile a minute. Eren watched me, waiting for me to initiate the conversation, but nothing came to mind. After all of the thinking that I had done, I couldn't say anything. I should probably start by apologizing, that should work.

I cleared my throat, "Uh, I'm sorry," I cringed, but forced myself to continue, "I'm sorry for everything, how I acted, the fight. Yes, we were both wrong, but I'm sorry."

Eren nodded, smiling confidently. At least he seemed to like where this conversation was heading. "Yeah, I'm sorry too. I was unfair about a lot of stuff, and I realized that after thinking about it for awhile. So, I'm sorry I treated you the way I did." 

Butterflies filled my stomach; we were on the same track. We were both ready to apologize and work through it. I had worried myself for absolutely nothing, after all this time. And man did I feel like a fool for ever thinking that it wouldn't work out for us. How could we split up? We made such a wonderful couple, Eren obviously thought so too. All of this cheerful emotions had washed over me, and I was bathing in the bliss. The happiness that filled me knowing that we still had a chance was enough to make up for the four days that we didn't talk. We would get through this together, because Eren was just as willing as I was. At this point, I knew we would make it through this.

I began speaking again, this time far more confidently. "Yeah, it's okay. I accept your apology, and I hope that you accept mine too," I paused for a few moments, before continuing. I had to confirm something. "We seem to be on the same page about all of this right?"

Eren nodded, "Yeah, I'm glad this is all okay with you. And of course I accept your apology."

"I think we still have some stuff to talk about, and that's okay. I'm just glad that we agree with each other right now," I shrugged, unable to hold back my relieved smile.

"I know right! I thought for sure that you'd be more upset about breaking up, after what happened at the school and all you-" I suddenly cut him off, the realization of what he said hitting me like a ton of bricks.

"Wait! What?" I was stuttering over words, unable to get a complete sentence out. Eren only stared at me, confused, and I forced myself to stop and calm down. I took a deep breath, continuing slowly to make sure that he heard me right. "So, what you're saying is that... You want to break up?"

Eren nodded, still obviously very confused, "Yeah, what did you think I meant?"

"I thought we were gonna work this all out! I thought we were gonna try to get through this, that'd we'd be able to keep dating!" My scared voice was rising as I rambled on.

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Armin," Eren said with a frown, "There's too many problems between us for that. We fight too much; I don't think we really compliment each other the way that a couple should. I think it's better to just stay friends and let everything go back to the way it was before. We can just pretend like it never even happened you know?"

My jaw dropped at those words, he was so fucking unbelievable sometimes. "So you're saying that you just want to forget what we had like it was nothing? Did it ever mean anything to you, or was this all just a game? You thought at you could just play with my feelings and when it didn't work out I would be okay with that? What made you think that was okay?" I was seething, gripping the edge of the table in angry fists. I honestly wouldn't have been nearly as mad if he hadn't have said that last part, but it's far too late for that now.

"No! That's not what I meant! But if we don't let it go then things are gonna be weird between us and I don't want that, you know? I want things to be normal again," Eren smiled, as if none of this fazed him. And oh man, did that piss me off more than anything.

"That's not how things work, Eren! You can't just pretend that it never fucking happened! YOU'RE the one who started this shit, and now you're running away from it! I never thought that you, of all people, would run away from all of your damn problems! You put on a brave front but it's a fucking lie, this is the THIRD time you've tried running away from me and I'm done!" I stood up, quickly scooting out of the booth and grabbing my heavy backpack that I slung over my shoulder. 

"Wait!" Eren grabbed my wrist, effectively stopping me in my tracks. "I'm not running away! But I don't think that us being a couple will work out, ever. We're better off as friends." His voice was still calm, which was ironic. I was supposed to be the one who was always calm and levelheaded, yet here I was exploding on him yet again. What had happened to cause us to change this much?

"You don't want a relationship? Fine! I don't give a shit, but let me go! Im done with you right now!" I ripped my arm out of his grasp, stomping to the front door and shoving it open with more force than necessary. I could hear Petra's worried voice calling from behind me, but I ignored her, walking far away from the diner. I didn't slow down until I was sure that he wasn't going to follow me. I was left pleasantly surprised that he didn't even try. 

I couldn't believe him, he couldn't be serious! How could he just pretend that nothing happened between us, after everything we went through together. After all of the fights we had, all the time we spent together. After those nights that we shared sweet kisses until we fell into blissful sleep. After all the times we skipped class just to be with each other, because all we ever needed was each other. Or that's what I had thought at least, apparently it wasn't the same for Eren. 

He had thought differently, Eren didn't need me the way that I needed him. I was just a nuisance in his eyes; I was holding him back. Why would he need someone like me? Why would I have ever thought that I'd be good enough for him? Out of all the people that we knew, he could've chosen someone so much better for him. But he had chosen me, and must have realized his mistake a little too late. I didn't blame him, but I was still pissed.

Even if I didn't deserve him, he had no right to play with my feelings the way that he did. He had no right to pretend that he actually cared about me. No matter how much he denied it, it was all a game to him. And after he had his fun, he left me behind to rot in my mess of confused broken emotions. It was so damn unfair, but I couldn't do anything about it and I think that's what hurt the most. Because I still fucking cared even after he hurt me like that, I still wanted him. But now I was nothing to him.

I kicked a pebble as I walked along the cracked, snow-coated sidewalk, unsure of where I was at this point. I had wandered so far that I was in an unknown part of town. I wasn't familiar with all of Shiganshina, just the parts that I visited often. Like my neighborhood, around the school, friends houses, the grocery stores, and other parts of town that contained necessities. Anywhere else I didn't need to be, so I didn't need to know my way around the area. Or so I thought.

Luckily, I found a bus stop, something that I was familiar with. I sat on the bench, shivering as I pulled my jacket closer. I huffed angrily, my hot breath coming out in a foggy puff, desperately trying to hang onto that rage. But I couldn't, it slowly slipped from my grasps, leaving me with an empty, lonely pain. A pain that stung the back of my eyes until hot tears began to fall down my cheeks. I wiped them away, but they continued to fall relentlessly none the less. My vision blurred and my body shook, and every effort I made to calm down did absolutely nothing. 

When the town bus came to a slow stop in front of me, I stood up, grabbing my backpack and letting it hang by my side. Keeping my head down, I climbed up the creaking stairs and pulled a few bills from my pocket to hand to the driver. He yelled to me as I walked away, saying that I had paid too much, but I didn't care, I blocked his voice out. Who cares if I lost a little money on a bus ride home? Instead I made my way to the back of the bus to take a seat in the empty area, staring out the foggy window. I watched snowflakes cling to the glass and then quickly melt into small water droplets that matched the droplets on my own face.

I knew a part of me was still hoping that Eren would chase after me, that he would tell me that he didn't mean what he said. That I'd see him running next to the bus, desperately trying to reach me again. And I'd force the driver to stop so I could run off the hot, smelly bus and into his warm embrace. That he still wanted to try for a relationship. Where we could live in our own fairytale together again. Where everything was still perfect; okay.

But nothing was okay at this point, and I wasn't living anything close to a fairytale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there's chapter 11. I hope you all enjoyed and all types of feedback are always appreciated! Thank you for reading!


	12. Finding Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry there was no Wednesday update. I've been so busy and have had absolutely no time to write. Hopefully there will be a Wednesday update this week, I should have more free time now. Also, sorry if there's any mistakes I tried to edit this the best I could but there may still be a few small mistakes that I missed. Anyways, thank you for being patient and here is chapter twelve! (Wow twelve chapters already..)

It had been exactly a week since Eren and I last spoke to each other, and I thought he was ignoring me before. That was nothing compared to what I was currently going through with him. Not once did our eyes meet, nor did he ever say sorry when he accidentally bumped into me. He didn't even sit across the room in French anymore to avoid me. Instead he sat only one desk away, pretending that I wasn't even there. In history, he was his normal self, as was Mikasa. Besides the fact that neither felt the need to acknowledge my existence. On the bus, they talked to each other the entire way. If I tried to say something to them, they would act as if they didn't hear anything; now that was just low. That's when I started getting angry with them; I was still trying to keep some sort of relationship but they continued to shoot me down. They were being childish about the whole situation and that only served to piss me off further. As hard as I tried to keep my cool, it was becoming more and more impossible as the days went on like this.

And of course, Mikasa, Eren, and Jean were no where to be seen at lunch. It was yet another week of sitting in an awkward silence while Connie and Sasha would blab about the most random, idiotic topics. After two weeks of listening to their playful chatting, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed time to myself, time to think. As if I didn't get enough of that sitting in the darkness of my room at home. That's where I found myself spending most of my time out of school, since there was no point in doing anything else.

Everyday my routine was the same. Wake up, shower, eat, go to school, eat, and sleep. My mind and body were on autopilot, and I had accepted that. I didn't have the will or energy to keep going on my own any longer. So I let my instincts take over and do whatever they needed to do to keep me alive. It was pathetic, and I knew that better than anyone else. But did I care? Not in the least; is was the way I lived my life now, it was almost refreshing.

I didn't have to worry about other people; what they were doing or what they thought about me. I didn't have to worry about doing good in school when I knew there was no way I could drag myself out of the deep hole that I had dug for myself with my own two hands. But I was okay with that, because I just didn't care anymore. None of that mattered, as long as I graduated I would be fine. As long as my parents still paid me, and I remembered to store the money in a box under my bed, then I was okay. Sooner or later high school would end and I could forget about all of this. I could forget about my grades, my friends, Eren. I could move on and none of it would matter; none of it did matter anymore. So I sat, eagerly waiting for that day to come. 

It was lunchtime on Friday when I finally decided to just eat alone for once, to give myself some peace of mind. I was on my way to the one place that gave me any sort of comfort in the large school. My footsteps echoed through the fairly empty hallways, only a few students where scattered around the large, open campus. Most people where either in class or at lunch at the moment, but there were always a few stragglers who liked to hang out in the hallways for longer than necessary.

The walk to the back of the school wasn't horribly long from where my fourth period chemistry class was located. There was a light breeze that floated through the hallways and I shoved my hands into the pocket of the gray jacket I was wearing, bracing myself against the cold. The sky was masked by dark gray clouds, signaling that I would probably start snowing again soon. I could only hope that I wouldn't start while I was eating lunch, otherwise I would end up a cold, shivering mess by the time that fifth period rolled around.

As I walked, looking at the dark sky, I realized something. It was almost Christmas time, meaning we would be on vacation by the end of next week. That thought didn't excite me, knowing that I'd be spending all of vacation alone in my empty house. I'd probably just bing on sappy hallmark Christmas movies. I always enjoyed those, even though they all seemed to have the same predictable romantic story line. The girl meets a guy, and somehow they fall in love, living happily ever after in the end. If only that was the way real life worked.

I sighed, staring at the ground as I made my way around the old shed that stood tall in front of the bench I planned on eating my lunch at. The wood of the shed creaked with the harsh gust of wind, and I couldn't help but wonder when it would finally fall down. I only lifted my head when I made it around the corner, but I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight before me.

The normally empty bench was occupied by two bodies. They were sitting so close that at first, I thought there was only one. When they pulled away, only to dive back in for another fevered kiss I finally realized who had stolen the bench. Jean and Eren sat intertwined with each other as their frantic hands wandered around each others bodies, their lips pressed together in a needy kiss. I was frozen in my spot, unsure of what to do.

But before I could make a decision, a single, simple word fell out from between my lips, "Oh." I threw my hands over my mouth, praying that they didn't hear me. But they did.

They quickly pulled away from each other at the sound, both panting heavily through swollen, rosey pink lips. Their eyes grew comically wide when they realized who had caught them. We were all stuck staring, in an awkward nervous silence.

I was the first to break it, stuttering out an apology, "I-I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to intrude! I'll j-just... Go. Yeah, I'll go now! Sorry!" I stiffly swiveled around, trying to escape from the tense air behind me. But apparently Eren had other plans. 

"Wait! Armin!" I heard his voice calling for me, but ignoring him, I picked up my pace. "Shit," it was a distant swear, followed by the sounds of fast footsteps that gradually grew louder. He finally stopped me with a strong hand that tightly gripped my shoulder. He held me in a death grip, as if he were worried that if he held any lighter I would escape him. 

Well, that's exactly what I tried to do, but it was to no avail. I only struggled to get away for a few moments, until finally giving up and turning around to face a very apprehensive looking Eren. He shifted from foot to foot, staring at me with worried eyes. 

I sighed, closing my eyes to avoid rolling the, at him. "Eren, please let go, you're hurting me," I said in a calm voice, void of any emotion. He was quick to retract his hand, and I open my eyes to see that his were still boring into me. "What?" I finally snapped, irritated that he was forcing me to stand there with him after what I just saw. There were still traces of his previous activities and I gad to force myself not to look, since they would only serve to rile me up further. I wanted to get this over with quickly, I didn't want to be anywhere near Eren right now. 

"I... I'm sorry..." He said quietly, looking back to see that Jean was still on the bench a few feet away. He probably couldn't hear us from where he was sitting, so he watched the way our expressions changed instead. Though even if he could hear us, I didn't care. 

"Sorry for what?"

His eyes shifted around as he played with the hem of his jacket. Did he even know what he was sorry for? Or was he just wasting my time? "I didn't think you would come back here."

I scoffed, shaking my head, "Thats what you're sorry for? What about the fact that we literally just broke up a week ago and you've already moved on to someone else? Thats low, even for you Eren."

Eren sighed, obviously frustrated, "Look, I said I'm sorry! What else do you want me to say?"

My hands curled into fists, and I had to take a deep breath to refrain from yelling at him. My words were gritted through clenched teeth, "Is this why you haven't been at lunch for the past two weeks?"

His eyes grew wide, and I instantly knew the answer to my question without having to hear it from him. He began to speak but I held up a hand, effectively stopping whatever excuse he was about to sputter out. I wasn't in the mood for his lies. I slowly lowered my hand, turning around as I said one last thing before walking away, "Goodbye, Eren."

The finality of my words surprised even me. Every single cell in my body cried for me to stop and beg for him to take me back. My entire being screamed for me to just plead until my voice stopped working. My legs itched to turn around and try to make everything better again. But I kept walking, leaving him standing in utter disbelief as I briskly walked away. 

It wasn't until I rounded the corner that I stopped, dropping my backpack and leaned against the wall. I slowly slid down it so that I rested on the cold pavement, my fingernails digging into the ground beneath me as I struggled to hold myself together. The weight of everything that just happened finally hit me, and I suddenly had the burning urge to cry, scream, and vomit all at once. I settled for the first option, hot tears streaming down my cheeks even as I tried to hold them back. It was no use, my own words had caused me enough pain to leave me bawling my eyes out in an empty hallway. I knew that I had finally hit rock bottom, that there was no going lower than this. The only thing that could possibly be worse than this would be losing the money I saved up for the city; then I would have lost absolutely everything. 

Those two words continuously rang inside my head, repeating themselves over and over. Taunting me until I couldn't take it anymore. Those two words meant so much more than they were supposed to, so much more than I had meant for them to mean. That was our closure, I was telling him that we were over, that I was done trying. Even though I knew that I wasn't even close to done; I still craved Eren. But this was it, it was all over, and it was all my fault.

After everything we went through, it wasn't Eren who ended it for us. It was me, I gave up before we ever even had a chance. And now, sitting against the cold wall that dug into my spine, wiping away tears only to have more fall to replace them, I knew that it was officially over. I had no chance of ever getting Eren back now; or at least that's what I had told him. That's what I let him think, and now he could easily move on. Not that he hadn't moved on already. Maybe this was a relief for Eren, now he didn't gave to worry about hurting my feelings. He could go back to Jean and they could both live happy knowing that I was over Eren. But in reality, I wasn't. 

The rest of the day went by in a flash, not that I was paying much attention, because I couldn't. I was back in the same numb state that Eren left me in after running away in the hospital. My mind was empty, my entire body a numb mass of heavy limbs; it felt as if I had weights attached to the end of each. It was hard to convince myself to move, but somehow I managed. All the way up until I got home, that's when I gave myself the break I needed.

I kicked off my sneakers, dropped my heavy backpack onto the cold tile of the entryway, and tore off the fluffy gray jacket that was still holding in all of my heat. I shivered as the cold air of my house danced across the exposed skin of my pale arms. I yanked off the shirt I was wearing, not minding the way that the frigid air cause goosebumps to raise on my skin. I shuffled out of the doorway, only making it a few feet until I fell face first into my fluffy brown couch. I reached up to pull a blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch messily onto my body. With the thin blanket, and a place to rest, I finally let my weighted eyelids drop. 

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there for exactly, laying motionless under a blanket that was barely even on my body. It was bunched up on my torso, but it covered my bare skin and that was all that I really cared about. When I figured out that my body wasn't going to let me sleep, I opened my eyes again, staring at the black TV across the room from me. I could see my reflection in the screen; my messy hair and tired eyes. I looked a bit corpse-like and it was slightly frightening. It actually looked as if I was on the verge of death; maybe I was.

If I were to die here, like this, I didn't think I would care. I was home, the only place that I ever truly felt comfortable in my own skin. If I were to die, I'd want it to be here. So seeing my weak, fragile body, and sunken in eyes staring back at me wasn't as bad as it should have been. Maybe I should've been more worried with the way that my bones were beginning to jut out of my skin, or with the way that my eyes were always red and glazed over because of the lack of sleep I was getting. But none of that bothered me, I was okay. And if I died like this, that would be okay too.

Of course, it would most likely be awhile before anyone found me, or even thought to check up on me. The police would probably show up at my door after I missed school for a month, only to find that my smelly, rotting corpse had stained the couch as I slowly decomposed. It was a morbid thought to say the least, but I didn't doubt that it would turn out that way. Because now I had absolutely no one to come see if I was still doing okay, I was alone. Nobody would realize that I was gone, the only thing that would remind people of my absence would be that I wasn't showing up for class at school; my already horrible attendance would only get worse.

They would try to call the house only to find out that I don't have a phone, and then maybe send a social worker to come and check in on me. Maybe they would even call my parents, who would try to contact me but would never receive an answer. Finally the police would come, only to find that I was already gone. The only thing that I would leave behind would be the lump of rotting flesh and bones that would be sinking into the couch as bugs tried to salvage the leftovers.

I shook my head at these thoughts; I knew I wasn't going to die. I'd probably just pass out a few times before I would force myself to eat something. Even if I looked, to put it nicely, like complete shit, I wasn't going to die. I just needed some nutrition, a good nights sleep, and maybe some sunlight and then I would be okay again. There was absolutely nothing to worry about, not that I was worrying anyways. I couldn't care less whether I decided to take care of myself or just rot into the couch, both seemed like perfectly fine options to me. But maybe that was the numbness talking, I couldn't tell. 

Sighing, I decided that I would start working on feeling better. I stood up even as every muscles screamed for me to stay on the comfortable couch, I knew that I'd be laying down again soon. The only sound that could be heard was my feet dragging across carpeted floors as I found my way to the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, I pulled out a bottle of melatonin, and poured six pills into my hand. I knew that I really shouldn't being taking this many at one time, but I also really wanted some sleep for once. So, after popping the pills into my mouth, I turned on the faucet and leaned down to drink some water and wash the pills down my throat. 

I wiped my mouth as I stood back up and turned off the water. Making my way into the closest room to the bathroom, which happened to be my bed room, I flopped down onto my bed. It wasn't long before sleep overcame me, pulling my body into that much needed darkness to let me rest. I felt relief as the world around me began to fade and I was dragged into unconsciousness. I needed this more than I had originally thought, and just dozing off had my body feeling more alive than it had in the past month. It was a nice sort of high that I never wanted to come back down from. 

But eventually I did wake up, I think I did at least. I faintly remember becoming conscious again a few times. Each time I wasn't sure exactly how long I had slept for, but I didn't really care either. The time I was awake was spent walking to the bathroom to pop a few more sleeping pills and then waiting in my bed until sleep took me back. Sleep was addicting, which I hadn't known until now. Letting yourself fall into a darkness where you could forget everything for a few hours was more than blissful. As soon as I woke up, the only thing I thought about was getting myself back into that unconscious state. I needed to forget, to let the world move on without me for awhile.

I'm not exactly sure how long this all went on for, but it stopped as soon as I ran out of pills. It was night by then, and I was sure it had been at least two days, meaning that I'd be back in school tomorrow. But who knows, maybe I allowed myself to sleep longer, maybe I missed school. That wouldn't be a problem, I really didn't want to go anyways. I was done with school and all of the people there; I was ready to move on.

I was over Eren, at least that's what I told myself. The sharp pang that shot through my chest every time my mind would conjure up thoughts or images of him told me otherwise. My heart still desired him, begged me to accept him in any form that he was willing to give himself to me. My heart craved him as if he were vital to its survival, and that ached more than I was willing to let on. Because I knew that I still wanted to have him in my life, but I couldn't. He was the only thing in this screwed up world that had ever served as a constant for me, and now that was gone too. I was lost without him by my side; he was my anchor, and without him I was helplessly drifting away.

Convincing myself to give up on him was impossible, even after everything that he said to me. He made it clear that he didn't need me, but I still couldn't find it in me to care. Eren was my only lifeline, the only thing keeping me afloat. Now, without him in my life, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I couldn't take care of myself, my numb body wouldn't allow for that. Living didn't matter, only one thing mattered in my mind. Just a taunting pair of turquoise eyes, that were so close yet so far out of my reach.

By the time daylight started flowing into my room, I was pushing myself up from my bed and I stretched while sighing. I might as well go and do something if I couldn't sleep. Even if that something was going to school; where else was I supposed to go? Shiganshina didn't have many places to visit, not many that I knew of at least. So I settled for taking a trip to hell, even when I knew that I could easily regret that choice later. What did that matter? It didn't, nothing did. 

Walking into my almost-empty closet, I pulled a shirt off its hanger and slipped it onto my naked torso and paired it with with dark-wash skinny jeans. Looking in the mirror, my eyes widen at my choice of clothes. I knew my closest was lacking at the moment, but I did at least have's few shirts to choose from. So what made me choose one that was almost identical to the color of Eren's eyes? I shrugged that thought off, grabbing a black jacket to throw over it. It was just a shirt, the color didn't matter.

At the door, I grabbed my keys, a pencil and put my sneakers on. I guess I was back in the habit of not bringing much to school, I doubted I would do much anyways. I was only going for the distraction since I couldn't sleep anymore. My wandering mind made everything feel much shorter than it should've been, including the walk to the lonely bus stop and the ride to school in the quiet bus. I'd forget where I was when I got too deep in thought, my body would move without my permission, so I ended up in places that I didn't remember going to. Not that I minded, I didn't want to have to sit through the long, tiring bus ride all by myself.

So I arrived at the school in no time and I was walking off the bus without taking note of my surroundings. Which was almost my biggest mistake of the morning, almost. While walking past the gates of my school, I slammed into what seemed to be a hard wall, effectively stopping me in my tracks. As far as I knew, there wasn't normally a wall in the middle of the wide sidewalk. When my eyes shot up to see what I had run into, I found out that I was right. It wasn't a wall, instead it was a body. The body of the one person I really didn't want to see right now. I stumbled back, glaring at the person blocking my path.

I tried to step to the side to walk around them, but they stepped in front of me again, refusing to let me by. I crossed my arms across my chest, letting out a heavy, irritated sigh, "Excuse me," I snapped in a venomous tone.

His eyes grew wide, but his expression quickly changed to one of determination. "Armin, can we please talk."

"I don't want to talk to you," I tried pushing past him, but he was much stronger than I had assumed and easily stopped all of my useless attempts. Finally I gave up, loudly tapping my foot against the wet pavement as I waited to hear what he had to say, hoping that he would just get it over with and leave me alone."Fine, talk. Make it quick."

"Uh, can we walk and talk?" He asked nervously.

I rolled my eyes and started walking without him, "Fine." It took a few moments of struggling past people in the crowd for him to get to me again. His tall, strong frame made it easy for him to get through crowded areas like this, when it had always been much harder for me to do so.

"It's about the thing that happened with Eren." 

"I don't want to talk about that Jean, anything else? Or can I go?" 

He grabbed my arm to stop me, and pulled me down an emptier side hall, "Armin please, I really need to talk to you." His voice echoed in the hall, the only other sound being faint voices from the herd of people that was his much farther away along with the light dripping of water.

"Fine," I stopped, turning to face him, "Then just tell me so I can leave. I'm not in the mood to see you right now." He flinched at my harsh words.

"Look, I know you're angry–" I nodded, as if it wasn't obvious already that I was angry, "– and you have every right to be. But listen, I think you need to talk to Eren."

"No." I answered without hesitation, "What makes you think I want to talk to him anymore then I want to talk to you?" The truth was, I really did want to talk to Eren. More than anything I wanted to see the way his tanned face reacted as I spoke to him. But I wouldn't admit that, not to Jean.

"I understand that you don't want to, but I think that it would be good for the both of you to get all of this sorted out. Eren hasn't been doing well lately, and by the looks of it neither have you. I think you both still want to be with each other, but you guys are way too stubborn to admit it," he said with a shrug.

I scoffed at that, shaking my head with a roll of my eyes, "Me? Too stubborn? I already told him I wanted to make things work out, HE was the one who decided that he was done trying. He decided that he wanted you instead apparently. Why are you even trying to hand your knew boyfriend back over, huh? Did you figure out that he was just gonna play you too, so you gave up before you got hurt? Good for you, but don't dump him back on me, I can't deal with that type of heartbreak again."

"Eren is NOT my boyfriend!" He said with an angry growl, "And I'm trying to help you here, but if you're gonna act like that then forget about it. Eren doesn't like me, not the way that he likes you. And I don't like him either, we never had anything to begin with. What we did was a mistake and we both realized that. So are you ready to cooperate, or should I just go?" He finished with a frustrated huff.

There was a thick silence between us for a few moments while I contemplated his words. Did I really want to go through with this? I was ready to have him back, but was I prepared to talk to him? I finally answered, unable to fully make up my mind, "Fine, what do I need to do?" 

"At lunch, you two are gonna talk everything out, and you're not leaving until you do. You're gonna do it without getting angry and yelling. You're gonna do it without blaming each other. I don't care how long it takes, but you two are gonna fix everything. We're all tired of it, it's not just effecting the two of you now. We're all sick of the way you're acting to both each other and us. So you're gonna control yourself and talk about your problems so you can work together to solve them."

"You actually expect us to talk each other without getting angry and yelling?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Nope, that's why Mikasa and I will be there for it all. If it starts getting too heated we'll calm you down. We want this to work out for you so please, just try to put all of your anger aside and actually talk okay?" He smiled, seemingly relieved that this went well.

"Fine, okay. I'll do it... Fine." I mumbled, looking away.

"Good," he rested a grateful hand on my shoulder, squeezing it slightly, "I'll see you at lunch, meet behind the shed." And with that, he was gone, walking to class just as the bell began to ring. I was left standing alone as people passed, wondering whether or not this was a good idea.

Shaking my head, I began to make my way towards my first class. I would force myself to do this whether I wanted to or not. This was my chance to solve everything and I would be a damn fool if I didn't take the chance while I still had it. Who cares if it still doesn't work out in the end? At least I could say that I tried, that in the end I faced my fears. That I didn't cower away because I was scared of being rejected again. And who knows, maybe we can fix all of this.

I didn't want to get too hopeful, knowing that there was always a chance that Eren would want to stay as friends. But with everything Jean told me, I couldn't help but feel a slight spark of hope every time my heart would beat loudly against my chest. I couldn't help but grin even as my sweaty hands shook with the overwhelming nervousness that was eating away at my insides. Because even after all of this pain, and all of this rejection, knowing that I still had a fighting chance had me suddenly feeling invincible. That dreadful numbness was washed away by renewed feelings of hope.

Though even with the hope coursing through my veins, I couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive about the whole plan. What would I say to him? How would he react? What if we did end up getting angry at each other? What if we couldn't work it out, and this was the official ending to our relationship?

These thoughts clouding my mind left me jittery for the rest of the day. I jumped at every little sound, especially when people would speak to me. I was completely restless, and sitting still for four hours seemed almost impossible with the state that I was currently in. I was so on edge that I would tense up at every little movement. It had caused me to become more skittish than usual; it became so obvious that even the people around me had started to notice. A few people asked me if I was okay, but I could only brush them off, not being in the mood to explain myself right now.

Third period, French class, was even worse than the two classes before. I was already nervous about going to that class since Eren would be in it. I would have to sit in silence for an hour, hoping that he wouldn't try to talk to me. I wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, I hadn't figured out the tangled mess that was currently my mind. I doubted that I would by lunch either since there was so much to think about, but at least I would know about what I wanted to get acrossed to Eren by then.

Apparently I didn't need to worry though, because Eren didn't even show up for third period. I wasn't sure if I was more relived or dejected by this, but I was sure that I was more than grateful that it had given me even more time to think. I wanted to get this right no matter how it turned out in the end. Because then I would at least be able to live with myself knowing that I gave it my all. 

I couldn't help but be thankful that Mikasa and Jean would be there for this conversation. Even if Jean and I usually didn't get along and I was still mad at him for what happened last Friday, he was still helping me. Plus Mikasa had also been ignoring me for awhile now so I wasn't sure how comfortable I'd be around her. But even then, I had to push all of that aside knowing that the main reason for them doing all of his was for Eren and I. They didn't have to do this for us, they could've just let us fall apart for good and move on, but they didn't.

I was hoping that third and fourth period would feel as long as they normally did, but of course that didn't happen. The two periods practically flew by in a haze, like they were over in the blink of an eye. After fourth, I tried stalling by walking as slow as I could to get to the shed. But the crowds pulled me with them, refusing to let me slow my pace no matter how hard I tried. I was forced forward all the way until I made it to the shed, where I slipped out of the crowd, almost tripping on someone in the process.

I stood by the small dilapidated building, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves before I walked into this. I had to get myself ready, if that was even possible, for whatever the outcome of is may end up being. Finally I was able to make my legs move so that I could walk around the side of the shed to the bench. When I arrived, Eren, Mikasa, and Jean were all sitting down and talking. Mikasa and Jean looked calm as they assured Eren, who looked ready to pass out, that it was okay. 

Eren's normally tan skin was a much lighter shade, and I could see he way his clenched hands shook. He figured in his seat as he got a pep talk, and it was almost calming to see that he was just as nervous about this as I was. The normal confidence that radiated off of Eren had completely dwindled into a strange sort of insecurity. I could tell just by the was that he held himself that he was anxious. His leg shook under the table and his eyes constantly darted between Mikasa and Jean. 

I suddenly remembered what I was here for, shuffling my feet awkwardly, and clearing my throat to get their attention. They all turned towards me, Eren and Mikasa looking up while Jean craned his neck around to see me standing there. There was a short silence before Jean motioned for me to sit down next to him across from Eren and Mikasa. I did so, slowly making my way over before taking a seat, by now my entire body was buzzing with anticipation. My heart beating so hard I was sure that it would rip through my chest any second now, and all of my limbs were visibly shaking like a leaf. I wrapping my arms around myself and took as deep breath, but nothing I did helped calm me down. My mind was going in twenty different directions at once, and I wouldn't have been surprised if I suddenly threw up the contents of my empty stomach, I could already feel the bile rising in my throat.

The only thing that served to calm me down just the slights was Eren's gentle, shaky voice, "Hey Armin." He had a soft smile on his face, and suddenly all of my fears were washed away and I knew that I was ready to fight for the beautiful man sitting across from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed Jean attempting to be a bro. Honestly Jean wasn't supposed to speak to Armin again until chapter thirteen but I decided to just put it in twelve instead of writing out Armins weekend. Anyways, i hope you enjoyed chapter twelve and all of the other chapters leading up to it! I'm so happy with all of the feedback I'm getting and I hope to see more in the future! Thank you for reading!


	13. Okay Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an on time update for once (finally...) I kept rewriting this chapter because I just wasn't happy with the way it was turning out but I think it's okay now. Hopefully there isn't too many mistakes because I didn't leave myself much time to edit. Anyways I hope you enjoy chapter thirteen!

"Hey Eren," I say quietly, though it sounded as if I was screaming with how silent it was at the moment, my voice practically echoing in the air. I cringed at the sound, but it didn't seem to bother anyone else. The only other noise being the slight rustling of the leaves on the mostly dead trees as the wind lightly blows past them.

Eren looked as if he were a giddy sort of happy that only screened the fact that it was driven by nervous, anxious energy. I could feel it in the thick air between us, mixed with my own agitated state, both of which were making it hard to breath. My lungs were tight in my chest and I was starting to feel a bit lightheaded. I wouldn't be surprising if I were to pass out any second now, not that I would mind. I had tried so hard to prepare myself for this, but all of my preparations didn't matter in the least when I was actually facing him in person. Sadly, I hadn't planned on this happening and now had no clue what to do besides sit in the awkward silence, a silence that I was praying would just consume me so I could disappear forever and forget about ever speaking to him again. 

Mikasa and Jean both looked resolved, neither minded the thick silence that had settled uncomfortably between the four of us. They sat stark still like statues, watching us like refs ready to jump into a match at any time to split up a fight. But that would require Eren and I to actually talk, or move, neither of which was happening. Well besides the fidgeting that we were both doing to keep ourselves occupied with anything but each other.

Although Jean did tell me that he didn't care how long this took, he had to have realized that it would take forever if we were left to our own devices. Obviously neither Eren nor I would be starting this conversation any time soon. Jean must have decided that it was time for him to step in. 

"Okay, well. Greetings, check. Now start talking because as much as we all know I hate algebra, I can't really afford to miss it. So let's go, we don't exactly have all day," he said in a cheery voice that oozed with sarcasm. It was clear that he didn't want to be here, but was still kind enough to do this for us. As much as I really did want to be mad at him for what happened Friday, I couldn't. How could I stay mad when he was doing such a huge favor for us?

Mikasa smirked at Jean's attempt to start the conversation, hiding it under the red scarf that was wrapped gracefully around her thin neck. It still hurt looking at her, knowing that she was ignoring me just like Eren had been, yet she didn't have a reason to. Normally she would be the one forcing us to talk it out, but instead Jean took that responsibility. I don't doubt that he only brought her to support Eren through this whole thing. I could only hope that after this blew over, her and I could still be friends. I was just as close to her as I was to Eren, it would be hard to lose both completely.

It was strange to me that Mikasa didn't take the initiative in this situation. She was always ready to knock some sense into Eren and I, so what had happened for that to change? I didn't like how reserved she was recently, even around me. There was an uneasiness that came when I saw the way she was acting, though I chose to push it aside for now. Maybe she was still coping with Carla's death and I would just have to wait for her to work it all out.

"Well, he's right," Eren shrugged and turned to face me again. "Look, I know we already apologized, but I want to say I'm sorry again. What I said at the hospital and at lunch and even at the diner; a lot of that wasn't true. And I really am sorry if I hurt you, that wasn't my intentions. I was still so upset about... You know... And I took it out on you. That was unfair of me, even if I wasn't thinking straight. There was no excuse for me to do that to you when all you were trying to do is help."

I could only stare wide-eyed for a few moments, my mouth gaping open. After all of the fighting we did, this was a pleasant surprise; Eren finally confessing his mistakes instead of apologizing without reason. I shook my head, pulling myself out of my thoughts and back to the present. I struggled to find my voice for a minute, stuttering out weird, throaty noises. Apparently the rest of them found my confusion funny, all three smirking or grinning at me like idiots. Not that I was being any less of an idiot right now.

Finally I was able to speak, clearing my throat as if that would erase the dark red that had bloomed across my cheeks and traveled up to my ears. "I-it's okay. I'm, uh, sorry too. You were going through a lot and I still expected too much from you. I shouldn't have assumed that you would be the same after losing your mother. And I shouldn't have let your words bother me because I knew they weren't true. I should've just brushed it off and supported you anyways. We both made a few mistakes, but at least we can admit to it..." thats getting somewhere, I finished in my head.

"Yeah, we were both pretty ridiculous," he laughed, agreeing with me. "Though I'm still kinda hurt that you didn't come over for those two weeks. That was the hardest time for me, and I had no one, sorry Mikasa–" he put a hand on her shoulder and she nodded, accepting the apology "–But she was upset too, and we both needed your support then more then ever, and you weren't there for us. I think that's what made me angry."

"But you told me that you didn't want to see me. Even if it wasn't true how was I supposed to know? Of course, I'm still sorry for not trying to visit you. Again, I made a lot of stupid moves."

He nodded in agreement and I huffed, squinting my eyes at him before speaking again, "I'm still hurt that you gave up on me so many times. The hospital, when I walked away at the diner, and even Friday when I found you and Jean. You could have at least tried to talk to calm me down to talk it out, but you didn't even put any effort into it."

"Hey! You probably would've just gotten even more mad at me!" His voice was starting to rise defensively. "I was trying to give you time to calm down!" He pointed a finger at me, like he was throwing all of the blame of the situation directly onto me.

"Eren..." Came Mikasa's low voice, warning him as his own voice continue to raise at me. He brushed her off though, ignoring her attempt at calming him down.

"That's what I was trying to do for you too! You got mad at me for doing the same damn thing! But I'm not allowed to be mad at you for doing it to me? Sounds just a little hypocritical don't you think?" I stated, my arms crossed tightly over my chest as I glared at him from across the table. I ignore the way Mikasa and Jean flinched when I let a swear slip out, thankfully neither commented on it.

"Armin..." Jean hand on my shoulder did nothing to draw my attention away from the boy sitting across from me. We were currently having an angry staring contest, both of us refusing to give up and look away.

"I didn't need two weeks to calm down! You waited so much longer to talk to me! And even then, the only reason we ever talked again was because we saw each other at school! So what, if I hadn't of shown up you would continued ignoring me?" He said the last part bitterly, like just saying the words had put a bad taste in his mouth.

"Eren!" Mikasa snapped, slapping the back of his head. But he still continued to ignore her, not paying attention to the fact that the back of his head was probably now stinging from the harsh slap.

I scoffed at him, "Oh, you mean like you have been ignoring me after every fight we've had? Don't think I haven't noticed, and if I might say, it's pretty fucking childish!" 

Both Mikasa and Jean's heads snapped towards me this time as I spoke, staring with wide, surprise-filled eyes. It wasn't often that I swore like that, especially not at school. Saying damn was one thing, everyone had heard me say that at least once, but I tended to avoid most other curses. Unlike most people seemed to believe, I had the ability to swear but chose not to, since I had a large enough vocabulary that I could use to express my emotions without having to use such vulgar language. But in some situation, swearing is just really fucking necessary. 

Eren didn't flinch at the word, though it did serve to make him angrier. "Oh my god, Armin! You know what? I'm done! Fuck y-"

"Eren! Cut it out!" He was cut off by Jean's stern voice as he leaned over the table to get closer to Eren so that they were staring face to face for a few moments. "You too Armin–" he turned to glare at me as he sat back down, "– we brought you guys here to work it out, not make things worse. So stop arguing, you were both in the wrong now get the fuck over it and move on. It's really tiring listening to you fight over the same exact things when you both refuse to come up with solutions to your damn problems... Here I have one for you right now, fucking forgive each other. Guess what, people make mistakes. You're both human and it's gonna happen. But you can't hold a grudge over ever little mistake or is will never work out for you two. So can you stop arguing and move on to a new topic before I smash your heads together?" Jean finished his rant with an annoyed sigh.

Eren rolled his eyes, though he was much calmer now. Even if I was pretty peeved that Jean had interrupted us, I was glad that he was able to settle us down. Somehow we ended up more annoyed with him than we were with each other. And maybe that was his goal, maybe it just so happened to be that it worked. He turned things against himself so that we would stop arguing. It was a smart move, I had to give it to him.

"Whatever, let's just do what the stupid Equus Ferus says and move on," Eren mutters, avoided everyone's gazes, that were all currently trained on him.

It took me a few moments to process what he said, before I erupted with laughter. The other two only stared in confusion as I bent over trying to control my outburst and a smirk began to grow on Eren's smug face. Apparently the other two hadn't understood what Eren was implying, even after all of the jokes that he's made towards Jean since the time that they met.

After a short minute I was able to regain my composure, wiping tears from my eyes as I spoke, "Did you just call him a horse, using its scientific name?" Eren only nodded, his smugness still evident.

Jean sighed in exasperation, throwing his hands up as he spoke, "I try to help and this is how you treat me!"

Even Mikasa was struggling to stifle the quiet giggles that were escaping her now. When one managed to slip out Jean turned to her, betrayal written clearly across his face, his jaw hanging wide open. "You too now? I can't catch a break!" We only laughed harder at this, all of us enjoying Jean's suffering.

Eventually, we got ourselves under control enough to speak again. Eren spoke first, "So, uh, I think Armin and I are okay to speak alone now?" He turned to me for conformation and I nodded with a small smile. 

Mikasa and Jean must have seen something that made them believe him, but I wasn't sure what that was exactly. Whatever it was caused them to stand up, waving goodbye as they walked down the hallways, leaving us alone to talk. All of the nervous energy from earlier was gone, instead being replaced with a warm feeling of contempt. Maybe that's what they felt, telling them that they had done their job and it was okay for them to leave. 

"I didn't think you studied binomial nomenclature," I said with a smirk, facing Eren once again.

He looked confused as he turned to me, his brows furrowed, a deep crease forming between them. "Binoman- what?" He asked and I could help but giggle.

"The naming of species," I elaborated as if it were already obvious, and his eyes lit up when he suddenly realized what I was talking about.

"Oh the horse thing? No, that's the only one I know. I got tired of using the same names over and over so I looked up more just to piss him off," Eren said with a wide grin, I shook my head in amusement. Of course Eren would do something like that, I shouldn't have expected anything less from him. 

"Hey," he spoke again, drawing my attention back to him, "this means that were okay now right?" He fidgeted in his seat again, eyes darting around. The apprehension was back, and it affected me just as much as it was affecting him. I could feel my hands start to sweat, and grasped them tightly together to try to ignore it.

"Uh, yeah, I think so... Are we, um... Dating again?" The last part came out in a rushed breath, and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't understand what I had said. If I had to be honest, it didn't exactly sound like I was speaking English anymore.

He answered anyways, despite my lack of eloquence. "Well yeah, that's what I was getting at. That's only if you still want to date though!"

"Oh, yeah! I still want to..." I trailed off, and awkward silence finishing my sentence for me. "So... Now what?" I asked, releasing the tight grip of my hands and rubbing my sweaty palms together as I glanced at him for an answer. My heart was in hyper speed again, I'm sure that at the rate it was going it was no longer healthy, but I couldn't help it. 

"You know," his voice got closer as he leaned over the table, gently grabbing my chin with his warm fingers to turn my head so that I was facing him. He was so close that I couldn't focus on his eyes, instead my focus shifted down to his plump lips as he spoke, his warm breath sinking into my icy skin. "I know what we haven't done in awhile," he said in a husky tone, my eyes growing wide at this. His voice sent shivers down my spine and I was hoping that he thought it was because I was cold. I didn't want him to know how even just his voice had such a strong affect on me.

He didn't give me much time to think about it though as he slowly closed the gap between us, lightly pressing his lips against my own. I instantly melted into the kiss, it was a refreshing feeling that my body must have been craving more than I realized. It ignited a fire deep inside me that had me wrapping my arms around his neck and burying a dainty hand in his silky brown hair to pull him closer. Suddenly I wasn't cold anymore, a comfortable warmth had seeped into my body.

We were both awkwardly leaning over the table to meet each other halfway. The wood dug into my hip bones painfully but I pushed that thought away, not minding it if it meant that we could stay like this. This kiss was much sweeter, and slower than most that we had previously shared. It was filled with all of our apologies, and forgiveness as our lips gently moved together and my hand tightened in Eren's hair. This kiss was calming, all of my nerves that had been on edge instantaneously relaxed. The moment our lips met I knew that we would be okay.

But sadly, our kiss was interrupted by a loud voice coming from behind me, "Hey! I knew you two were together!" Connie's voice called with a laugh, startling the two of us.

Eren and I quickly separated, both of us turning towards the voice in surprise. I could feel a dark blush creep onto my cheeks, moving to my ears and neck. How had he known that we were back here? 

Connie quickly spoke again, "Sorry! Need to stop on my behalf! Sasha and I will be going!" 

Sasha and... What, he was with-

"Woah!" Sasha's loud voice called as she rounded the corner, seeing Eren and I standing stark still like deer in a headlight. "I didn't know Jeager and Armin were a thing! Connie, you were right!" She laughed as she pushed at Connie. The two got into a playful shoving match, both yelling about some bet they had and how Connie owes Sasha a pizza.

I sighed and sat back down on the bench, realizing that they wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. I didn't mind them joining, but did they really have to interrupt that? After all this time without Eren, that was the one thing I needed most and now I had to wait again. It is what it is I guess. Connie and Sasha had sat down with us at the table, after their little wrestling match, at Eren's demand. Though neither really put up much of a fight, after denying him a few times they quickly sat down with us. They obviously wanted to get the details on what they just witnessed. 

"How did you even know to find us here?" I asked, now that I had accepted that they would be staying with us for the rest of lunch.

Sasha answered first, "Well, you weren't at lunch so we got worried. We decided to look around for you."

Connie nodded in agreement, "We didn't know you'd be here, we just happened to come across this place," he shrugged, and continued with a teasing smirk, "We didn't plan to interrupt either. We'll be happy to leave if you'd like to continue."

My face instantly dropped into my hands in a poor attempt to hide the blush that had yet again taken over my face as I let out a loud groan. Every time I got that annoying red to go away, someone said something that brought it right back. Eren only chuckled from his spot next to me, I had moved around the table to sit next to him. He wrapped an arm around me to pull me closer and I leaned into the warmth, still refusing to pry my hands away from my face, even if it was obvious how embarrassed I was. It was calming being under his protective arm and even as the blush faded and my hands finally fell away, I didn't move. Instead I snuggled closer to him, taking in his overwhelming, yet satisfying scent.

"It's fine, we don't mind really. We enjoy your company anyways," Eren grinned, reassuring the pair sitting in front of him. 

"By the way, how have you been? I haven't seen you in forever!" Connie asked, and Sasha nodded as she shoved a sandwich into her mouth.

"Connie, Sasha," Eren laughed, shaking his head at them, "We have classes together. I see you guys almost every single day."

"I know but it's different in class and at lunch, you know that," Connie urged, seemingly wanting to know what Eren had been doing during the time that he stopped sitting at the normal table for lunch. 

"Okay, okay, fine. I've been doing good, I'm better now that Armin and I are back together," he sent a wink in my direction and I rolled my eyes in response. It wasn't the answer he was looking for, but it ended up bringing Connie to a completely different topic, one that I was hoping to avoid.

"Wait! You two weren't together?! Were you fighting or something?!" Connie shouted in disbelief.

Sasha finally spoke up, shouting above Connie as he finished his short, surprised rant. "No wonder Armin was so grumpy!" She said with a laugh, "I was sure that he was gonna kill us by the end of this week! Honestly, it was kinda worrying."

My eyes grew wide at her confession, guilt suddenly filling my stomach. I hadn't realized how much my mood was effecting the people around me. I had assumed that nobody cared enough to let it bother them, but apparently I was wrong. "Sorry guys," I told them, guilt lacing my voice as I apologized, "I didn't realize that you guys noticed... Or would even care," I muttered, my eyes shifting between the two sitting in front of me. 

"Of course we care Armin!" Sasha cried out through the bite she had just taken from her sandwich. She quickly finished chewing before swallowing loudly and continuing,"You're our friend, it's our job to worry about you! And the next time something is bothering you, tell us! We're here for you." There was a flash of sadness in her hazel eyes and I could help but feel horrible about thinking that they didn't care.

"We want to help, dude. That's what friends are for," Connie threw an arm around Sasha, both grinning largely. "You too Jeager, next time don't run away from us at lunch." 

Eren chuckled and scratched the back of neck, his eyes shifting away. He seemed to do that whenever he was nervous, I noticed. "Sorry about that, I didn't mean to ignore you guys." Those words slightly hurt, but I pushed the pain away. Even if he did mean to ignore me, he wasn't anymore and that's all that mattered. 

"I'm kind of hurt that you two expected so little from us," Sasha laughed.

"We're not just good for fooling around you know?" Connie added. 

It was then that I realized all of the support I had on a day to day basis. There were so many people in my life, like Connie and Sasha, who I assumed didn't care about me. I've always cared immensely for them but never expected the same in return, which was ignorant. They were my friends, of course they'd be there to support me. But I pushed their support away, thinking that I didn't matter to them. 

I had to learn to put my trust in people, because there was so many people who were willing to help me when I was going through hard times. If I had only gone to someone for help, then maybe all of my problems could've been solved faster. A friend would knock some sense into me, just like Jean had earlier this morning. This all could have been avoided if I had trusted that my friends were there for me, but I didn't. What kind of friend was I for doing that? Not a very good one. 

If Connie and Sasha mean the world to me, then I should expect that I mean the same to them. Otherwise how could I call them my friends? I knew from the start that they were amazing people, with even better personalities. I knew that they were worth making friends with, and I assumed that I'd be able to trust them with anything. But when it came down to it, I ignored the support I could've had and dealt with everything all on my own. It was stupid and unhealthy, and I knew that the next time I had any sort of problem the first person I'd run to would be one of them.

Connie was right, they could be serious if they chose to be. It wasn't like their entire lives were just one big joke and it would be rude for anyone to think that. They were human beings with human feelings and a sense of right between wrong. They knew when a situation was serious, I could tell that just by the way they've been treating me lately. They wanted to help, but they didn't want to push me. While I was grateful for that, I almost wished that they had pushed me. Maybe then I would've realized all of the people who I had rooting for me, all of the people who had been ready to stay by my side and help me through this. 

In hindsight, I knew it was stupid of me to push everyone away. But there was no going back now, so I decided to remember this the next time that a problem came about; I have support. Even when depression is telling me that they don't care, and anxiety is trying to express how much of a bother I would be to them, I had to fight those feelings. As much as my brain was trying to tell me that it was true, I knew it wasn't, so I had to go against my natural instincts and just talk to someone. Something that was much easier said than done. 

The rest of lunch was playful chatter exchanged between the four of us. It was nice how everything seemed to click back into place again, like the brief pause in our normal everyday lives meant nothing. It felt nice knowing that life could be normal again even after all of the new experiences and encounters that I had under my belt, most being negative. I needed this feeling back, the boring ,monotonous, yet wonderful feeling of normality. I never knew how good it felt until I had lost it when my life went spiraling out of control.

The new normality of my life made the days fly by unnaturally fast, and eventually another week ended and it was finally time for Christmas vacation. Excitement filled the air of the crowded hallway as I traveled to the bus area where I would meet up with Eren and Mikasa; all three of us were on much better terms now. I couldn't help but also feel a bit giddy. I was ready for a vacation full of sappy Christmas movies and lots of sweets. Eren had even invited me over for Christmas, like he usually does since I'd have to spend it alone otherwise.

Of course this year I didn't expect to be invited over after Carla's death. I knew that their first Christmas without her would be hard on the whole family, and didn't want to intrude. But Eren assured me multiple times that I wouldn't be intruding, and told me that it wouldn't be Christmas if I wasn't there with him. I eventually gave up on trying to convince him that I was okay spending the day alone, knowing that with how stubborn he was, I would never win that argument.

He also told me that Mikasa wanted to bake cookies, and gingerbread men, and all other sorts of sweets. Now that her mother was gone, no one else would be there to do it with her, so I volunteered to help. I loved baking anyways, which both of them already knew. I could tell that Eren was grateful that I was doing this for her, and Mikasa was happy that she still had someone to carry on the tradition with. Even if our sweets wouldn't turn out nearly as well as Carla's always did, it was time that we got to spend together doing what we loved and that's all that mattered to me.

When I found Eren and Mikasa, he was excitedly telling her all of his plans for vacation. Most seemed to include video games, snow, food, and spending time with people. I didn't expect to be seeing him much, but apparently I was wrong. Mikasa had agreed, telling him that she had quite a few things she wanted to do before school started again too, but she didn't get to finish before I walked up, standing next to Eren. 

He quickly threw his arm around me, pulling me into his side as he greeted me. But I don't think he realized that I saw him wince as he pulled me closer, as the action had caused him pain. I couldn't help but wonder what that pain was stemming off of. Eren distracted me before I had much time to think on it, telling me that we would be meeting our friends at a mall that was just a town over tomorrow. I didn't get any choice in the matter, as he was sure to inform me, because he would be picking me up tomorrow before they left for the bus stop. And by picking me up he meant walking to my house to make sure that I actually left.

I didn't mind it much anyways, it's been awhile since our whole group of friends got together to just hang out and have fun. It would be a nice change of pace, and a great start to a long, and much needed, vacation. I was ready for this break, it would give me the time to reconnect with everyone, all the while I could clear my mind. Things were finally becoming okay again, and that was great. At least that's what I thought, I couldn't be sure that it was very true.

For some reason there was this horrible nagging in the back of my head that refused to go away whenever I was around Eren. It was because he was acting different, I could tell just by looking at him that he wasn't the same. It wasn't a huge difference of course, so whatever he was trying to hide he was doing a good job at it. But I had known him too long to have not noticed that he was acting strange. Something was off, but I couldn't for the life of me tell what that something was. Whenever I tried to push the nagging away, it would only come back tenfold. I wasn't normally someone who based stuff off of a feeling that I got, but this was different. Because it wasn't just a strange feeling that I randomly got, it was the way Eren was acting too. 

His eyes were dull and lifeless, and he constantly looked exhausted. He was out of it and super jittery. Sometimes he would stare off into space for an entire class period while other times he would jump at every little sound or movement. He even was holding himself different, a slight slouch in his normally perfectly straight back. It was as if he were curling in on himself to try and hide form the rest of the world, even as he put on a brave front like that wasn't his real goal. It was a small change, but he was behaving so weird that I couldn't help but allow it to bug me. 

The part that bothered me the most was when he showed up to school earlier this Monday with a dark bruise blooming above his right eye. He had told everyone how he had startled awake from a deep sleep and when he rolled over to see what time it was he fell off the bed and his head hit his nightstand. Everyone got a big laugh out of that one, the whole table teasing him for his clumsiness. But to me, all I saw was a poorly executed lie. Most of them haven't been in his room enough times to notice, but his beside table was too far away from his bed for that to be able to happen. If he rolled off he would land in between the bed and the nightstand. 

Maybe I was just looking into it a bit too much, over-analyzing things. I had a tendency to do that, and wouldn't put it past myself when we were still settling ourselves after all of the fighting we had done. I was probably just being too cautious about things. He did sound genuine when he told the story and he laughed along with everyone else afterwards. But that bright smile never seemed to reach his beautiful eyes anymore. No matter how many times he smiled, or laughed or even just smirked, his eyes stayed the same boring, flat green color. They had darkened and I didn't like it.

Even as we walked home and Eren was telling us a story about how he had tripped today in English and now has another large bruise forming on the tan skin of his forearm from falling into a chair, his laughter didn't reach his eyes. Something about him was off, and this nagging feeling in the back of my head was telling me that I needed to figure out what it was sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally... It's finally moving on to next arc! I'm so happy with the way this chapter ended, it leaves me with so much to work off of for the up coming chapters. Anyways I hope you enjoyed chapter thirteen! All types of feed back are always appreciated (also sorry if I don't always respond to comments I get busy sometimes) but anyways, thank you for reading!


	14. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna start by saying sorry there was no Saturday update. I've been busy with some personal stuff so I haven't had much time to work on this. That being said, it's likely that I'll switch back to updating only once a week, but I'll try to update more often if I can.
> 
> Also I've tried making my paragraphs shorter because I've noticed that they looked obnoxiously long (especially last chapter). I'm hoping they aren't too bad this time and that it hasn't bothered anyone too much that they've been so long. 
> 
> Anyways, here's an entire chapter about Christmas vacation written in the middle of the summer because why not. I hope you all enjoy chapter fourteen.

Getting together Saturday wasn't nearly as bad as I assumed it would be. I had brought a small amount of money for food and transportation but that was all. As much as I wanted to buy gifts for Eren and Mikasa there were two problems with that. One, they were by my side he entire time so it would be difficult to do that without either of them seeing. And two, we had this rule "don't buy each other gifts because being there for each other is enough and if you do buy something then expect it to be destroyed because you broke the rules". Which was an obnoxious rule that Eren came up with and refuses to forget about because he doesn't think that people can properly express their feelings through gifts, but instead through actions.

I didn't mind the rule, it saved me money so I was okay with that. It's not like I don't want to spend money on them, I'd spend my entire savings on the two of I had to, but it's also nice to be able to save it. I had plans and to accomplish them I needed money, and every little bit helped. 

The rest of the days leading up to Christmas were fairly quiet for me. Most days I had sat around my house in nothing but underwear. On Christmas Eve I finally left the house again, carrying a bag full of clothes and other the essentials I would need while sleeping over Eren's house. He had met me outside my door, telling me that he didn't want me walking all the way to his house all alone even though I had done it many times before.

I think it still made him nervous because of what happened with his mother, so I stayed quiet about it. If it made him more comfortable, gave him some sort of peace of mind, then I would let him walk me whenever he wanted to. If something happened to me he would never be able to forgive himself and I didn't want him to be living in a constant state of regret. That's not a good way to live, especially when it's paired with all of the other mental anguish he would be going through. I doubted something would happen, but let him tag along anyways. 

There was the constant question in my mind of why he cared about me so much. Why had he chosen me when there were so many other people who would be happy to be with him? I knew I wasn't worth all of the trouble that I had put him through. So why did he still want me? Most people in a relationship ask themselves the question of what did I do to deserve them. But it was different for me, I didn't have to ask myself.

I knew that I did absolutely nothing to deserve him, and it still surprises me to this day that he likes me. Throughout our entire lives together all I've ever done was cause him more and more problems and yet he's always been there for me. He's always been ready to pick me back up after I've fallen, no matter how far the drop. He's always believed in me even after everyone else had given up. But I had no clue why, what did he see in me? It was obvious that I had no potential, so why did he even try? 

I'm just another mess for him to clean up. I had so many problems that not even I knew how to handle, yet he had always dealt with me using such a tender care. Eren was able to make everything seem okay even when I knew it wasn't. 

Because I was depressed and some days I couldn't find it in myself to care enough to get out of bed, or to remember to eat. But he understood that and stayed by my bedside, and brought me food. Some days I forgot to care about myself along with others, and I got moody or even distant. Instead of getting frustrated he cared for the both of us, physically and mentally. 

Because I had anxiety that would keep me up at night as endless questions filled my head, none of which I could solve, none of which I wanted to solve. But Eren would sooth me to sleep with sweet words, telling me how everything would work out in the end. He was there to reassure me that he cared, and that I was worth being caring for. He knew how to keep me calm in stressful situations, and how to get rid of my worries and fears.

Eren always did what I couldn't do on my own. Without him I would be lost. But wouldn't he be better off without me? Wasn't I just holding him back from accomplishing so many amazing things? He had a future to work towards and I was steering him away from that. There were so many opportunities that he would turn down because of me, but why? 

I, of course, kept these thoughts to myself. Eren would tell me that I was being silly, that none of that was true. He would try to convince me otherwise and I would have to pretend to believe him. But I couldn't believe that, because I knew all of that was true. 

I pushed those thoughts away for now, focusing on the people I'd be spending my time with during vacation. I couldn't let my thoughts distract me when I had so many other things to do. I had people to care for like Eren and Mikasa. The holidays would be a struggle for them without their mother by there side so I would do everything in my power to help ease the pain.

Mikasa and I spent most of Christmas Eve baking together and by the time we were done both of us were covered in flour, dough, candy, and some other ingredients that I wasn't sure when we even used. To put it simply we were utter messes, but at least we didn't look as bad as the kitchen. That place has turned into a disaster, it didn't even look like a kitchen anymore. It looked as if a war had broken out in there, which at one point it had but no one needed to know that. 

We may or may not have wasted as entire bag of flour by throwing it at each other, and then wrestling on the floor in the aftermath. I obviously ended up far dirtier than Mikasa had because I didn't posses the reflexes or strength that she did. Even when she went easy on me I struggled to hold my own. Eventually we gave up on wrestling and decided to draw and build things in the large piles of flour. All the while we baked enough sweets to take up the entire dining room table plus another foldable plastic table. 

Thankfully neither Eren nor Grisha decided to walk in while we were messing around in the flour. I wasn't sure how they would take that, especially Grisha seeing that we were making such a gigantic mess of his normally pristine kitchen. We did end up cleaning up our mess before either of them were able to see it. We spent over an hour washing the dishes, floor, and countertops. 

The only residue left from the flour war after that was Mikasa and I, we were still covered. Which of course, Eren and Grisha both noticed. It was hard to sneak past them, when we were covered in white powder, it's not like we blended in very well. Grisha didn't say much at all, and Eren only laughed at us. We were both able to take quick showers and throw our clothes into the washer machine before heading back down stairs to join the other two. 

Mikasa and I were finally able to step back and admire all of our hard work that we put into creating all of the sweets. There were sheets of cookies and gingerbread men, three different types of brownies, fudge, gingerbread houses, and we even attempted to make cupcakes. None of it was even close to perfect, nothing close to the level of Carla's baking. But we had fun and that's all that mattered.

Eren was quick to grab some of the treats, even with mikasa trying to swat him away, he was able to escape with a few stolen goods. It was cute watching their light banter, Mikasa scolding him saying that all of his teeth would fall out and Eren only shrugging her off asking where her Christmas spirit was. Mikasa only sighed in response to that, giving in and letting him sample a few more things that we baked. 

When night time rolled around, Eren dragged me off to his room. We both changed into our pajamas and cuddled underneath his warm comforter until we fell asleep. I'm sure I fell asleep first, my body craving it after going without much for so long. Plus something about Eren seemed to put me at ease, and I was able to get much more sleep with him around. After a deep sleep I always woke up feeling replenished.

But when I woke up on Christmas morning the feeling was completely different, something felt off. I instantly knew what it was when I heard soft sobs coming from the form besides me. They were muffled by the blanket that he held close to his face, his eyes squeezed shut. He didn't notice I was awake until I moved to wrap my arms around him and pull him against me. I was never really good at comforting people, but I could at least try.

"I thought I would be okay," he said after awhile with a sniffle, "but when I woke up this morning it hit me all over again. My mom won't be waiting for me when I walk down stairs. She won't be making breakfast, she won't have her Christmas sweater or Santa hats on. Her chair at the table will be empty because she's not there. And it hurts so damn bad knowing that," his body harshly shook as he began crying again, burying his face in my chest.

"I know, I know, shhh, it's okay," I spoke lightly and rubbed his back, attempting to calm him down a little. "I know it's hard, but it'll be okay. You'll be okay. I'm here for you, so is Mikasa and your father."

He only cried harder at that, gross noises leaving him as he struggled to hold back the pained cries but failed. It all flowed out of him as if a damn had been broken. I wasn't sure what I had said, but my body froze and tensed when he reacted this way, unsure how to fix it. 

I tried rubbing his back again before speaking, "Shh, I'm sorry–" I didn't know what I was apologizing for "– it's okay. You're okay, you'll get through this, it's okay." I repeated the words until he settled down. The only sound in the quiet room was the occasional sniffle or hiccup that left him. He was slumped against me, unable to hold himself up because the agony he was in left him weak and lifeless. I kept my arms tightly around him to keep him in place, to give him some form of security.

Eventually he pulled away, wiping away the tears and snot from his messy face. I could only watch him worriedly, wondering what he would do or say next. I was still tip-toeing around him, afraid that I would mess up again. He stayed propped up on his elbows, staring at the wall in front of him without blinking. His eyes were dull, void of any emotion.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, resting a hand on his shoulder and startling him. 

"What? Oh, uh, yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking that I wanted to go back to bed. I don't want to go downstairs..." He muttered, turning to look at me. 

"We can stay here for a little while longer if you want," I smiled at him and he snuggled closer. Our warm bodies molded together, the tension finally leaving his shaky limbs. His head laid on my chest with my left arm wrapped around him to keep him close.

"Can we just stay here forever," his voice was muffled by my shirt.

"I wish," I muttered, staring up at the ceiling.

The smell of breakfast from down stairs had drifted up into Eren's bedroom, the scent causing my stomach to growl. I felt Eren chuckle but he didn't move from his spot against me otherwise. I could hear careful footsteps coming up the staircase and then approaching Eren's door before they stopped directly in front of it. There was a light knock, though it sounded loud in the silent room.

"Come in," I called quietly, unsure if I had spoken loud enough, but the person must have heard.

The door slowly creaked open revealing Mikasa who leaned against the doorframe, taking in Eren's figure. Worry flashed through her eyes, her mouth falling down into a from. "Is he okay," she mouthed to me.

I looked down and shrugged, not really sure if he would be okay. I knew this was hard on him, I had spent multiple holidays without my parents, though at least mine were still alive. Mine might come back one day, but his never would. My parents were still alive and well as far as I knew, but he watched his mother be lowered into the ground. There was no chance of him ever seeing her again. Other then the images encased in wooden frames, trapped behind glass. That was all he had left.

"Eren come on, breakfast is ready. Dad wants you to come downstairs," Mikasa said in a soft voice, the worry even more apparent in the way that she spoke to him. She kept a calm expression, but there was no doubt in my mind that she was concerned about him.

Eren groaned, shifting closer to me like he was trying to hide from the world; I was the wall that would keep him safe. Mikasa did wait a few moments for him to obey, but when Eren made no effort to get up, she sighed and moved towards the bed. My eyes widened as she took his foot, yanking him towards her. He let out a surprised yelp and attempted to grasp at the bedsheets, desperate to stay in place.

I had to hide my smile behind my hand as I watched her drag him across the bed and to the edge. He held on with all of his strength, but Mikasa seemed to be pulling too hard for him to be able to keep his hold. Eren lost his grip, tumbling face first into the hard flooring with a loud thud. He groaned again and curled in on himself when Mikasa let go of his foot.

"Don't make me drag you all the way to the kitchen," she said, warning lacing her voice. It was hard to imagine her dragging him all the way to the kitchen, especially not after what I just witnessed.

"Was that really necessary?" Eren growled from the floor. 

"Yes, now come downstairs before dad gets mad."

Eren sighed, lifting himself into a sitting position and dragging his hands over his face. "I will, just... Give me a few minutes."

Mikasa turned to leave and spoke before she exited, "I'll tell him that you'll be down soon."

When she left, I scooted off the bed and made my way around it to see Eren slouching against the end of it. He didn't seem like he was gonna move on his own, so I bent down to offer him help getting up. Eren slowly turned and noticed my hand, staring at it for a few moments before grabbing it for support. He winced as he lifted himself up, holding his side in pain. 

"Are you okay?" I asked cautiously, watching his scrunched up face relax as he let go of his stomach and dropped his arm to his side. All she did was drag him off the bed, I didn't think that it would cause him this much pain. It was strange, but I let it slide as he straightened his back and smiled.

"Yeah I'm fine, lets go get breakfast before it gets cold," he grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers between mine as we walked to the kitchen together. 

Grisha and Mikasa were already there, and there was food on plates lined along the counter. The sweet smell of the French toast filled the air, mixing with the bacon and eggs beside it. The was a pile of plates and silverware that sat besides the various plates of food. 

We stood in the doorway, glancing between Grisha and Mikasa. Suddenly Grisha turned to me and spoke, "What was that?"

I stared back in confusion, "what?"

"Didn't you just say something?"

"No."

Grisha hummed, "I must be hearing things." He smirked, "I guess my old age is getting to me."

I let out a light laugh, turning to see that neither Eren nor Mikasa found it nearly as funny. They both held serious expressions, watching the way that Grisha and I interacted. There was a long awkward silence before Grisha motioned to the plates and food resting on the counter.

"Go ahead," Grisha said blandly before crossing his arms over his chest, a deep scowl suddenly back into his face. It was like he had done a completely one eighty in under a minutes, becoming a whole different person.

Eren moved cautiously and I followed close behind, nervous under the intense stare of his father from across the kitchen. I could feel his eyes burning into my back, though I wasn't sure why it was making me so uncomfortable. Normally I was okay around Grisha, he was like a father to me. The only thing I could think of was how hard it would be for him to watch his children go through their first Christmas without their mother, and him to go through it without his wife.

That would be a stressful situation for just about anybody, so I couldn't really blame Grisha if he was acting just a little strange. He was suppressing his emotions; trying to keep a strong front to show his children that everything would be okay. He was showing them that they would get through today together and that he was there to support them through it. It was admirable that he was able to do that for them.

When we had our food, we made our way to the dining room table and sat down next to each other. Mikasa joined shortly after, taking a seat next to Eren and then Grisha followed, sitting down at the head of the table.

"Merry Christmas everyone," Grisha said with a joyful smile. Mikasa nodded and Eren only grunted, staring down at his plate of food that had gone untouched ever since we arrived at the table.

"Merry Christmas and thank you for having me," I responded, more cheerful than the other two.

Grisha, who had been staring at Eren's motionless form, turned his attention to me, "Oh it's no problem at all. You're welcomed here any time."

I nodded and thanked him again, unsure how else to respond to that. I knew that I was always invited here but most times, like now, it felt as if I was intruding. As much as I loved coming here to visit everyone, I didn't want to be a bother. Though I would never say that to any of them because I knew they would tell me that wasn't true. But they couldn't convince me that I wasn't being a burdens when they were already going through so much. With me there, I was only adding to the sense of responsibility that they must have all felt, since they constantly tried to make me feel welcomed and treat me well. 

As I ate, I noticed that Eren had barely touched his food, his hands staying in tight fists on either sides of his plate. He only occasionally pushed his breakfast around his plate as if he were trying to find poison hidden within it, before dropping his utensil to the side again. He was spaced out, something was obviously on his mind. I didn't doubt that he was thinking of Carla, but I didn't know how to distract him either. 

"Do you not like it?" Grisha asked, looking at Eren.

Eren glanced up at him, his eyes darting over to me quickly before he dropped his head again. "It's good, I'm just not hungry," he mumbled. It was silent for a few moments, other than the clinking of silverware against plates, before Eren spoke again, "I'm going back to my room." 

He excused himself, pushing his chair back in before grabbing his plate to clean it off in the kitchen. I watched his figure retreat around the corner, and quickly stood up, excusing myself. 

When I entered the kitchen, I found Eren leaning against the counter with his head tilted back and eyes squeezed shut. His dirty dishes had been placed beside him, left untouched and unwashed. I didn't say anything as I grabbed his plate and threw away the uneaten food before moving to the sink to wash both of our dishes. 

Eren didn't move as I worked around the kitchen to clean our plates or as I leaned against the counter next him. He sat still, seemingly at peace where he was. I was worried about him, but I didn't want to disturb him when he was in such tranquil state. If I brought him back to reality then I ran the risk of his mood souring again; all I wanted was for him to be happy again. 

It wasn't long before he brought himself back to the real world, opening his eyes as he stretched his arms over his head. He looked like he was okay, so I didn't ask about what he had been thinking about. If he was okay, then there was no need to bring it up.

He didn't say anything as he took my hand in his and led me back to his room. He didn't speak as he sat median on his bed and held up a finger telling me to wait a minute. It wasn't until he was done digging through his messy closet, that was overflowing with clothes, that he finally spoke. 

"Aha!" He exclaimed as he jumped up, his hand shooting into the air to show a soft looking piece of red cloth. He made his way back to the bed and leaning down, placing the cloth onto my head. "I knew that would look cute on you," he grinned. 

I tried to look up to see what he had put on me, but couldn't see it. I looked back down at him in confusion, "What is it?"

"A Santa hat! No one else will wear it but it looks much better on you anyways," his smile softened as a blush bloomed on my pale skin, probably rivaling the deep red of the hat on my head. "Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think anyone looks at cute as you wearing it," he muttered, playing with a strand of my hair that poked out from underneath the hat.

I hadn't kept up the hair cut that he made me get awhile back, it had grown much longer since then. I knew he would comment on it eventually, but apparently he hadn't really noticed until now. 

"Your hairs getting long again," he stated simply, twirling a piece around his finger.

"I haven't had much time to cut it," I shrugged.

"It still looks nice," he said straightening up, "but we can still go back to have it cut some time soon. Anyways–" he walked back to his closet to dig through it again, "– where did I put that stupid thing?" He muttered to himself as he searched the cluttered closet space.

After a bit of shuffling around and some annoyed grunts, he finally found what he was looking for. He sat down on the bed with a small white box in his hands, staring down at the box instead of looking at me. I raised an eyebrow at him as he fidgeted nervously with the edges of he box, but let him take his time to speak.

"I know we aren't supposed to buy each other presents, it's my rule after all–" he rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "– but I planned on getting this for you anyways. So... Here," he rough shoved the box into my hands, quickly retracting his own and clasping them in a tight fist that rested on his lap. 

I stared at it for a few moments, "I didn't get you anything." Now I felt like shit, I should've known that he would get me something; of course he would break his own rule. I should've gotten him something even when I knew that he probably would've refused to take it. Things were different now than they were before, things had changed. I had to change the way I thought about things now, such as gifting each other. We were dating; of course it was different now.

"I know, I wasn't expecting you to get me anything. This isn't really a Christmas gift but I couldn't get it until recently. Just... Open it."

Slowly lifting the lid off the box and carefully moved the tissue paper to the side, I saw the gift resting gently in the middle. I stared down at it in disbelief, unsure if this was a joke or not.

"Eren, you didn't have to..." 

"But I wanted to," he smiled, "it's yours. I already put Mikasa's and my number into it, but you can obviously add whoever else you want. It's paid for and you don't have to worry about the monthly bill, it's part of our plan." Apparently his father had gotten him a new phone after I broke his the night Carla got into the car crash. I hadn't seen it yet, but I had heard him talking about it when we met at the mall with all of our friends.

I gently lifted the phone out of the box, turning it on to see that Eren had set an old picture of the two of us as the background. Sliding my thumb across my screen to unlock it, I saw that Eren had set the other background as a picture of me laughing. I looked clueless to the fact that he was taking the picture, and could only help but wonder when he had taken it. I'd never seen the picture before and as self conscious as I was, I really didn't think it was that bad. I looked genuinely happy for once.

"Thank you," I whispered, shutting of the phone and placing it back into the box, setting it all aside. Moments later my arms were wrapped around Eren's neck, pulling him close in an effort to convey how grateful I truly was.

I was never good at expressing myself using words, even when I had the entire English language at my fingertips. And as bad as I was with words, I was even worse with actions. I didn't know how to show someone that I cared, or that I was thankful for them. There was a small part of me that wondered why it was that it was so hard for me to express myself; especially since I had so many resources to do so.

Yet somehow Eren understood what I was showing him, "You don't need to thank me. It's important to have a way to contact people especially if there's an emergency."

He was still scared of losing me, of losing anyone close to him. I could tell by the way he acted so protective paired with the need to know what was happening at all times. Even if it seemed a bit controlling, I found it more endearing than anything else. Because he cared enough about me to want to protect me. It filled me with a warmth that I wouldn't trade for anything. 

But as he let go, dropping his hands into his lap and staring down at the floor, he had a far away look in his eyes. Even then, he looked so pained. Whatever was on his mind was hurting him, but he always seemed to dismiss me whenever I asked, saying that it was nothing important. But it was important to me, if he was suffering that much then it was more than just important. It was dire; I had this unsettling feeling that whatever he was hiding wasn't good. 

"Eren? Are you okay?" I asked him cautiously. 

He snapped out of his thoughts, turning towards me with teary eyes, "What?"

"I asked if you were okay?" 

"Oh, me?" He wiped at the tears that began to stream down his cheek, looking at his wet hand in confusion.

"Yes you, there's no one else in here," I studied him suspiciously.

He turned towards me again, his tan hand that glistened with the wet tears still raised in front of his face. "I'm okay..." His voice was cold, lacking all emotion. He wasn't even trying to convince me; it was like his brain was still focused on whatever had been plaguing his mind as of late.

"Are you sure?" 

"Hmm? Yeah. I'm sure, don't worry Armin," he looked away again, dropping his hand. He was lost to the world.

I gave up on trying to speak to him; he obviously wasn't okay so there was no point in asking anymore. Even if he tried to convince me otherwise, I knew that there was something wrong. Something was bugging him, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he wouldn't tell me what it was. What was so horrible that he had to keep it hidden from me? It wasn't healthy to hold things in; he knew that.

Whenever we saw each other throughout the rest of vacation it was the same dreary story. I would spend the entirety of our time together trying to understand what was going on. Pleading for him to tell me what was bothering him so badly that it was leaving him in a constant state of disconnect. It was becoming so worrying that I was kept up at night wondering what the hell I could do to fix this. 

I had no solutions. I had nobody to turn to for help. I was once again left alone to figure out what was happening, but I didn't have a clue as to where to start. How do I find out what was going on when Eren was giving me absolutely nothing to work with? I couldn't, it was as simple as that. If Eren wasn't willing to be honest, then I couldn't do anything to help him get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be a nice cheerful, happy break. I just wanted one happy chapter but apparently I'm not capable of doing that with this fic. Oh well. Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoyed reading chapter fourteen and all types of feedback are always greatly appreciated!


	15. Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here's a second chapter right after said I probably wouldn't be able to do two chapters a week... Yeah... I get busy sometimes but other times I have loads of spare time so who even knows how often I'll update anymore. Anyways here's chapter fifteen.

Arriving back at school for the first time after such a long relaxing break was dreadful. The immediate flood of people, all greeting each other as if they hadn't seen their friends in years was obnoxious. I didn't mind that they were happy to see each other, it was more the fact that they all were constantly stopping in the middle of the hallways as if that was a good place to catch up. As if they weren't in the way and I didn't need to get to class; none of which was actually true.

What more, even when I said excuse me most didn't hear me, or they just ignored me and continued to talk with their friends. My naturally quiet voice was drowned out by the loud chatter filling the halls, which made it even more difficult to get their attention. And of course, Mikasa and Eren didn't take the bus today and neither were waiting at the front, so I had to walk through this giant mass of hell alone. The only way I could get around groups of people was by following behind someone large than me, someone who the people would actually move for.

Somehow, I made it before the bell and was able to take a seat in my first period class just as the sound began to fill my ears. Sighing, I pulled out my notebook to prepare for another long class of my teacher droning on and on about the ocean. Though, at least now I had a distraction. Since the teacher allowed us to use our phones in class and I now had one thanks to Eren.

Not that I had many people to talk to considering anyone in my contacts was most likely also at school. I had gotten Connie, Sasha, and Jeans number through Eren but there were at least a few more people I would like to add. I definitely needed to get Marcos the next time that I saw him and hopefully a few other people who I had gotten to know during some of the classes I had with them.

Sending a quick text to Eren, I gently placed the phone onto the table and waited for his response. But I never got one during the two periods that I didn't see him for. When I arrived in third period for French, I saw him sitting at his usual desk, staring off into space. He hadn't noticed me walking in, too focused on his thoughts to see me enter.

I spoke as I set my backpack down on the floor and sat in the desk next to his, "Hey, I sent you a text first period. Did you not get it?" 

His eyes shifted over to me, the dark circles underneath them obvious under the bright lights of the pristine French room. "Huh? Oh I didn't see it, sorry."

"That's okay, I didn't mean to bother you or anything. But you know how boring marine science can be," I grinned, he had the same class though his was a later period than mine.

Eren hummed, signaling that he was officially done talking for now. It was odd how quiet he had become over time. It was a gradual change, a slow shift of his normally bright and energized personality. I watched, horrified as he deteriorated in my grasps, but I had to way to stop him or even slow down the progress. I was so clueless of what to do because I didn't know why he was acting this way. 

I was hoping that by the time we got back to school after such an extended vacation, he would be back to his normal self. But if anything he seemed more worse than before Christmas vacation started. All of that time that Eren had to himself did nothing but ruin him even further. 

Talking to him was impossible by now, I wasn't even sure if he was processing what I was saying to him. Eren was so out of it that it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't even realize where he was. This all became even more obvious during French when we paired ourselves with partners to work together on the assignment. No matter what I said he would just hum or nod, most times he didn't even spare a glance at me. 

Eventually I gave just up on working with him, completing the handout for the both of us and then turning in our papers. There was no use in trying to force him to do the work, he was too unfocused for that. So I stopped bothering him, not even saying goodbye as the bell rang, telling us that it was time for fourth period. I walked out of the French room without even looking back to see if he was coming, and made my way to chemistry.

But even throughout chemistry he was a constant distraction though he wasn't even in the room. I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about him, from trying to figure out what was going on that had him so messed up. But I was all out of ideas, nothing would come to mind no matter how long I thought about it for or how hard I tried to come up with new solutions. So I did the very last thing that I wanted to do and brought it up to someone else.

When it was time for lunch I practically flew out of the chemistry room, somehow forcing myself through the crowd, ripping through people to get to my lunch table. I had to get there before Eren did if I was going to ask our friends about him. Though if he was there I'm not sure if he'd even realize that we were talking about him, he never really was in our reality for very long lately. 

Thankfully he wasn't there, only Connie and Sasha sat at the wooden table, having some animated conversation. I didn't give them time to add me into their conversation, speaking quickly when I reached the table. 

"Hey can I ask you guys something?" I asked nervously as I sat down.

They both turned and look at me surprised, I didn't normally get here before Eren and Mikasa. We'd usually meet after fourth since all of our classes were fairly close and then we would walk to lunch together. If they were still waiting for me, then I was okay with that because it gave me more time to talk to Connie and Sasha.

"What's up?" Sasha asked through a mouthful of food.

"Well... Have you guys noticed that Eren has been acting kinda... strange lately?" I said slowly, unsure of how to word my question without it sounding offensive.

"He seems fine to me," Connie said with Sasha nodding in agreement.

"You don't think he's been just a bit... Out of it? He's not acting like himself, I think something's wrong. But every time I ask him he just pushes me away and I don't know what to do," I tell them, looking between them to watch their reactions. Maybe he told them something that he didn't tell me.

"Armin, Eren is fine. You're probably just thinking about it too much," Connie shrugged.

"You have done that more than a few times in the past," Sasha pointed out.

"I guess..." I agreed even though I was still sure that Eren wasn't okay. If they didn't see it then I'd have to talk to someone who did. 

Just then Eren and Mikasa arrived, greeting everyone at the table. A short time later Jean and Marco joined and I was quick to make sure that I got Marcos number. He was one of the few people who could actually hold an intelligent conversation, of course I'd want his number.

Lunch went by quickly and I made sure to keep an eye on Eren. While he was quiet, he seemed much more awake than he did during French. I was beginning to think that maybe Connie and Sasha were right, maybe I was just overanalyzing the situation. But the weird dullness that never left his eyes prevented me from letting my worries go completely. I couldn't let myself believe that he was okay when his eyes looked so empty. 

I hated the dusty green color they had become, it revolted me. Before they shimmered even in the dark, blue and greens fighting to show themselves to the world while gold specks danced between the two. They were so full of life, conveying his every emotion as they rapidly changed, morphing all on their own. His eyes had been the most expressive feature he owned, so what happened? I was beginning to think that I'd never be able to answer that question. That was even more frightening and unsettling than his boring, lifeless eyes. 

The worst part about it all was that no one else noticed, no one else could see the changed that seemed so obvious to me. His mere presence screamed that he was off somehow, but no one else could hear it's pleading cries. No matter who I asked they would all tell me that I was thinking about it too much, I knew they would. But I kept asking anyways.

After lunch I pulled Mikasa aside, knowing that she'd be the next best person to talk to since she and Eren were so close. "Hey Mikasa, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" She asked, the suspicious gleam in her stare bore into me.

"Well... Have you noticed anything different about Eren?"

"Eren is fine," she responded, not even bothering to answer my question.

With that she walked off, leaving me standing in the middle of the hallways dumbfounded. Mikasa was always the first person to get protective over Eren, wanting to know exactly what was happening with him at all times. So why was Mikasa of all people saying that he was fine? Maybe it really was all just in my head. That's what it seemed to be at least.

But that all changed when I got a text later on that night. I was lying awake in my room, staring at the dark ceiling above me. Practically feeling the way that the darkness was engulfing me, threatening to rip me from this life and remove my existence for good. But even with that thought looming over me there was plenty of other things that kept me distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the people who had denied anything being wrong with Eren, including Eren himself.

The buzzing that went off on my bedside table, accompanied with the bright light that lit up the room so suddenly had startled me. I jumped about a foot in the air, squeaking as I pulled the blankets over myself to hide my face. Peaking over the covers, I finally realized that the sound was my phone and quickly reached out to see why it was going off so late at night. It had to be around midnight by now.

**[Marco :P- 12:35pm]**  
Hey, it's Marco. Is this Armin?

**[Me- 12:37pm]**  
Hey Marco, yeah it's me. What's up?

**[Marco :P- 12:38pm]**  
Okay, I wanted to make sure I had the right number. Sorry to bother you so late.

I stared at the text on my screen, confused as to why he'd be doing that this late at night. Couldn't this have waited until tomorrow? Or at least in the morning when he was sure that I would be awake? I started to set the phone aside, assuming that the conversation was over, when it vibrated again.

**[Marco :P- 12:40pm]**  
Can I ask you something?

Confusion coursed through me yet again, so he did have something important to talk about? That was all the more reason to respond as quickly as I could.

**[Me- 12:40pm]**  
Of course, what is it?

It was another few moments before he responded. I sat impatiently, checking to see if he had answered numerous times before giving up and shoving the phone into the pocket of my pajama shorts. By now I realized that I probably wouldn't sleep tonight, not with everything happening with Eren and now whatever Marco needed to talk about. So I scooted off the bed, stretching all of my tired, weak limbs out. 

I made my way down the dark hallway that led to the front of the house, grazing my hand along the cold wall to guide myself to the kitchen. When I finally reached it, I flipped on the switch that went to the dim light that hung over the dinning room table, and took a seat underneath it. The light barely lit up the area around me, only a few feet away was complete darkness. 

The world around me was quiet and still, not that I minded, the world was the most peaceful in this state. Stars twinkling high, shining bright against the dark sky that hung overhead. Their light just barely illuminating the kitchen through the crack in the curtain. That paired with the warm lamp above me created just enough light to become relaxing. The small nocturnal creature outside could be heard scurrying around, making the most of the dark while it lasted. Crickets sang tunes to each other, a faint sound blocked by the walls of my small house.

A long vibration in my pocket drew my attention away from all of that. I pulled out the phone and unlocked it to read Marcos response.

**[Marco :P- 12:46pm]**  
Well I don't know how to word this properly but... is there something wrong with Eren? Everyone else who I've asked has said that he's fine but something seems wrong. I thought that he might have told you if there is something going on. Of course, you don't have to tell me, I just wanted to make sure that he was okay. He's just been acting strange lately and I was worried about him. I could be wrong, but I wanted your opinion on it before I came to any sort of conclusion. I don't want to make any assumptions, especially if they aren't true.

I read his text over and over again, just to be positive that I had read it correctly. I wanted to make sure that my brain wasn't fooling me, mixing up his words to make them seem like something else. But no matter how many times I read it, the words always stayed exactly the same. 

This strange sense of relief filled my stomach as I typed out an eager response. Finally, somebody else noticed what I was seeing. I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't just overanalyzing things. Why didn't I ask Marco earlier? Of course he would notice! I was so stupid to assume that he would be as blind to the change as everyone else was. My fingers flew over the keyboard as I hurriedly answered, needing to talk to him about this. 

**[Me- 12:47pm]**  
Yeah! I've noticed too but everyone who I asked has told me they haven't noticed a difference. I was beginning to think that I was just making it all up in my head without even realizing it.

**[Marco :P- 12:47pm]**  
It's been the same with the people who I've asked. Have you asked Eren about it?

**[Me- 12:48pm]**  
I have but he just brushes me off every time that I ask about it.

**[Marco :P- 12:49pm]**  
That's really troublesome, but I have to go. Can we meet tomorrow morning to talk about this?

**[Me- 12:49pm]**  
Meet me at the entrance to school, somewhere along the brick wall.

**[Marco :P- 12:49pm]**  
Okay I'll see you then Armin, good night.

**[Me- 12:50pm]**  
'Night Marco!

I shoved my phone back into my pocket, unable to stop the smile that spread across my face. I finally had someone to help me, someone who didn't think I was crazy. Marco knew something was wrong and seemed to be trying just as hard as I was to figure out what it was. He really is an angel.

I rested my face in my hands, elbows leaning in the table, as I peaked through the sliver of window that I could see through the curtains. My eyelids started to feel heavier, but I didn't notice as I watched the clouds drift by, and new stars pop up against the black sky. Slowly, my eyes shut entirely, all the while I was unaware that sleep had overcome me.

The first thing I heard when I woke up was the sweet song that the birds sang as the sun began to rise over the trees. The next thing I heard was the gentle ruffle of dead leaves as the wind blew the trees, shaking their branches as it grazed by them. The last thing I heard was the loud thump as my body hit the cold, tile flooring of my kitchen.

I sat up, startled, looking around and wondering where the hell I was. When my eyes came into focus, my body relaxed, realizing that I had fallen asleep in the kitchen last night after speaking with Marco. Panic quickly overwhelmed me again when I remembered what Marco and I had talked about, and my eyes flew to the digital clock attached to the old stove that I never really used.

My body deflated yet again when I saw that I hadn't slept in, and actually had two hours before I had to leave for the bus. Sadly, I actually wished for once that it was less of a wait than that. I wanted to get to school so that I could speak with Marco and get all of this figured out. We could talk things through and devise a plan that would allow us to uncover Eren's problem. We would be able to help Eren through them and then everything would be okay again, and life could go back to normal.

The bus couldn't seem to come fast enough and for some reason it felt as if the driver was going exceptionally slow today, as if purposely trying to extend the time it took to reach the school. Or maybe it was just that I was antsy to go speak with Marco and didn't have anyone on the bus to distract me from my thoughts of him.

Neither Eren nor Mikasa were on the bus today, I could only assume that they drove to school or their dad brought them. But, when I arrived at the same time as always, their usual spot was empty. Maybe they had just gone to the table, figuring that I would see them there anyways. But I wouldn't, because for once I had other things to do. I had to meet with someone, but they couldn't know that. I couldn't let them find out what I was doing behind their backs, who knew if they would be mad if they found out or not. I wouldn't take my chances with that. 

A few feet down from their usual spot was just the person that I was searching for. As my eyes scanned across the old wall they paused on the tall boy, his dark hair parted in the front to expose his adorable pale, freckled skin. He was looking around, probably trying to find me. As soon as his eyes locked with my own, he practically lit up and immediately made his way towards me.

"Good morning," Marco greeted with a bright smile. That sort of cheerfulness should have been illegal this early in the morning, though I didn't mind seeing it on him. Any other expression probably would've felt wrong to see on him.

"Mornin' Marco," I yawned on his name, covering my mouth. We began to walk together, making our way through the crowd and then down emptier halls where it would be easier to hear each other. I pulled my coat closer to me, shivering as the cold air started to seep through my clothes.

His eyes suddenly grew worried, "Did I wake you up last night?

I quickly shook my head and reassured him, "No, no. I was already awake, I actually couldn't sleep. Though I slept much better after you texted, I could stop thinking about Eren before that."

He nodded, "About that. Is he here today? He wasn't at the table but I know that you two ride the same bus."

I shook my head, "I haven't seen him. Normally Mikasa and him wait for me at the front if they don't take the bus, but they weren't there today. I thought they went to the table without me. I guess they aren't here today."

"That or they're just really late," Marco pointed out.

"I guess..." That might have been true, but it wasn't like them to be so late. Mikasa was always sure to get to school early, knowing that Eren probably needed the extra time to wake up. They hadn't been late all year, but maybe they missed their alarms or something.

Maybe they were just sick, that does happen even to the strongest of people. It would be stupid to think that they were always healthy, everyone gets sick every once in a while. It's even more likely considering what time of year it was, people got sick left and right during this season. There could easily be a cold going around their house that the both of them caught. If that was the case then they were most likely resting at home in bed, exactly where they should be.

Grisha is a doctor after all, he knows how to care for sick people. He would never allow his children to go to school if they were too sick. He was too caring to let them suffer through the day feeling so terrible. He probably called out from work just to stay home and care for them while they recovered from their illness. He really was a great father, they were lucky to have someone like him to support them especially after losing their mother.

"Anyways, I don't really know what to do about Eren. You're the only person who willing actually talk about him, but he isn't telling you anything either," Marco pulled me from my thoughts as he pondered aloud.

"I have no one else to go to, unless I talked to his dad. But that would probably be a bit weird. I can't really go up to him and tell him that I think his son is acting strange, I'm not sure how he'd take that."

Marco chuckled, "I don't think that would be much help, but who else do we know?"

I took the time to think about it for a few moments, to try and remember everyone who I knew that may be of some assistance. None of our friends were of any help, so they are automatically all out. And the only adult figures I currently had in my life were Grisha and my teachers. But I already ruled out Grisha and I wasn't really close to most of my teachers, besides maybe one or two. 

There was Hanji Zoë, who might've been able to help if she wasn't so energetic. I couldn't have her going and telling people about this, and man did she enjoy talking, and more than talking she relished gossip. She'd do either to anyone about everything, it was like she never stopped. And then there was Levi Ackerman. The only other teacher who I was comfortable talking to, plus he also knew Eren already. But he was grumpy and easily irritated, I doubted that he would want anything to do with this.

Maybe I could talk to Petra or Auruo, but neither of them saw Eren often enough to be of much use. They wouldn't notice the difference, but that was mostly because they only would get visits from him occasionally. The last time Petra saw Eren had to be before vacation, and Auruo was even longer ago. They wouldn't be able to help because they didn't know. So who the hell were we supposed to talk to?

"How about a teacher?" Marco asked suddenly, surprising me.

"I thought about that too, but who? I'm not close to most of them, and the ones I am close to probably won't help much."

"How about Professor Smith?"

"I've never met him. Neither has Eren... I don't think. If he has then he never mentioned it to me."

"Okay well what about Professor Zoë? She knows how to analyze things since she teaches all sorts of science classes. She might be able to help us figure out what's wrong."

"I thought that too but don't you think she'll be too much to deal with? She might get too excited and ruin it for us. It's not that I don't trust her but I don't know how to handle her sometimes," I told him, glancing around at the people passing us to see if any of them were listening. It didn't seem like any of them were paying much attention, which was good.

"Then let's talk to Professor Ackerman. All of us know him, he's calm, serious, and he' think things throw before he makes a decision. I'm not sure if he's ever given you any of his life advice, but he's pretty wise for a high school French teacher. If anything I think it's worth giving him a shot."

I thought about his words, how they had dispelled any worries that I had over talking to Levi, slowly nodding in agreement as I took it all in. "Okay... Yeah. I guess he might help us, it's worth trying at least. If it doesn't work out with him then we can try to find someone else." 

"We should have enough time to talk to him before class starts, lets go," Marco said as he turned down a hall that would serve as the fastest route to Levi's room. Our footsteps echoed as we walked through the silent a hallways, by now our conversation had died down.

I had to admit that I was nervous to do this. I was afraid to talk to someone about this, knowing that he could very easily doubt me and think that I was lying just like everyone else had thus far. To do this, I had to be open and honest, and let my emotions show. But that was a hard thing to do, even when I was doing it for he sake of someone else. I'd rather people believe that I was calm and collected, even while I was freaking out internally. To do this, I'd have to let my worries be known for once, even the ones I'd been hiding all this time.

While walking down the halls, I tried to keep my fear from getting the best of me. I was doing this for Eren; that's what I told myself to stay calm. He meant the world for me, so I'd do anything for him. 

When we reached Levis classroom, we could see him sitting at his desk with a book in one hand and a white coffee-cup in the other. His glasses perched on his nose as he stared down at the book in his hand, occasionally taking sips from the steamy liquid in his cup. Marco knocked on the wooden door, drawing his attention away from the book and to the small window on the door that showed us standing just outside.

Motioning for us to enter, he put down the things he was holding and took off his glasses, laying them on top of the worn paperback book. Marco opened the door, allowing me to walk through it before he followed after me and gently shut the door behind him. By the time we were both situated in front of Levis desk, he was already speaking to us.

"What is it? Don't you know not to bother me before class begins?" He sounded irritated, the glare in his eye causing a shiver to run down my spine. Levi was apparently extra intimidating at seven in the morning before he finished his coffee. At least I didn't have to deal with his wrath during first period, I was lucky enough to have his class by the time he had mellowed out a bit.

"Well," Marco stated, unfazed by the angry venom in our teachers tone. "We need your help with someone," he told Levi bluntly, a bright smile still gracing his features.

Levi looked over the two of us with cold, calculating eyes. "Who exactly do you need help with?"

"Eren Jaeger. I believe he is in your third period class, along with Armin," Marco informed him, glancing at me for approval. I nodded, though continued to stay silent, unable to find my voice now that we were standing in front of Levi. 

My hands were beginning to sweat and my heart was hammering in my chest. The tension in the room made it hard to breath and I could feel myself getting dizzy. All I needed was for Levi to agree to help, and then I would be okay. These feelings would wash away once I knew I had an adult to guide me through this. Or that's what I hoped would happen.

"What makes you think I'd want to help you?" Levi asked, studying our reactions as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"I didn't expect you to," I found myself saying, both sets of eyes suddenly turning towards me. "But you're the only person who we could ask. We don't have anyone else." 

"Okay fine, lets say that I agree to this. What would I be helping you with?" He raised a single, perfectly shaped eyebrow. 

"Eren's been acting weird lately and we're both worried about him. He's always so distant and out of it, or sometimes he'll be jumpy and on edge. It's always one extreme or the other and it's obviously taking huge toll on him. He looks so exhausted, like he hasn't slept for weeks. But neither of us can figure out what's making him this way; whenever I ask him about it he pushes me away. Other people haven't noticed it, but it can't just be in our heads, I know it isn't. And... Something else has been bothering me..." I trail off, looking away from them nervously. I hadn't told anyone about this part, but I was willing to if that's what it took to convince Levi to help us.

"Go on," Levi urged, "I don't have all day, class starts in a few minutes."

"Well... Lately he's been getting a lot of bruises. He'll come up with these excuses as to how he got them but not all of them seem plausible. Not only that, but he isn't clumsy enough to be sprouting new bruises almost every single day. I don't think he's telling the truth as to how he's getting them," I finish hesitantly, this was the part that I've been the most uneasy about. 

"Are you saying that you think he's being abused?" Marco asked, stunned by my insinuation.

"Yes."

Levi spoke up from his desk after my confident response, leaning forward and lacing his fingers together. "That's a serious accusation Arlert." I nod my head in determination; I already knew that. "Then who do you think is abusing him."

I pause, thinking for a moment, because in reality I had no clue. "That's the part I'm confused about," I admit shamefully. "I've ruled out most of the people that are close to him because it doesn't seem possible. I've known his father, Grisha, for as long as I can remember. He's always been extremely supportive and loving to both Eren and Mikasa. Especially now that his wife has died that's all increased tenfold. Then there's Mikasa, we all know that she could never hurt him like that. She would hurt herself or anyone else before she ever even thought about harming Eren. So really, I have no clue who's doing it."

Levi nodded thoughtfully, "Okay. I'm in. I'm going to talk to some people about this, they're trustworthy so don't worry. They can assist us so that everything moves along as fast as possible."

Both of us stared at him, mouths gaping open in pleasant surprise. Neither of us could believe that he actually agreed, it was like we were in a dream and about to wake up at any moment.

"Really?" Marco asked, practically beaming.

"Do you think I'd lie? Yes really," Levi snapped. "Now get out, I'd like some time alone before class... Also, meet me here after school, I'll have everyone else here too. We will resume this conversation then." He concluded, slipping his glasses back on and picking up his book on the page that he had left off on. 

Marco and I left the room without any sort of goodbye, both of us too trapped in blissful surprised, paired with a sense of relief, to even notice as we walked our separate ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daddy Levi to the rescue though.. Well anyways I hope you all enjoyed chapter fifteen (I'm literally so excited for chapters sixteen and seventeen you don't even know) anyways thank you all for reading and following along I'm seriously so damn grateful. And as always, all types of feedback are more than appreciated!


	16. For Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that's actually on time, wow I'm on a roll (not really). I've actually just been excited about this chapter and I'm even more excited about chapter seventeen. Anyway, read on and I hope you enjoy chapter sixteen.

To say that the rest of the day I spent at school was anxiety ridden would be the understatement of the century. I couldn't get through each class fast enough, in French Levi even had to pull me aside to tell me that I needed to calm down. Not that it worked, my nerves were in hyper-speed and showed absolutely no sign of stopping before the end of the day.

At lunch I sat alone behind the shed, needing that small amount of time to gather my thoughts. The small break from the rest of the word was much needed but even when that ended my mind refused to stop it's total hysteria. It felt as if all of these thoughts were going to cause my head to burst, the headache pounding against my skull didn't make it any better

It was a horrible feeling that I couldn't shake, even when every single limb attached to my body was shaking with the anxiousness of having to wait. And waiting made it all even worse, watching as the time ticked by in slow motion, listening to teachers drone on about things that were worthless compared to what I was waiting for. The clocks had to be moving slower than normal, there was no way that time had always gone this slow. Or maybe it had but I just never noticed it up until now.

Either way I needed time to move faster, just this once. If I had to wait for much longer I was completely sure that I wouldn't be able to last the remainder of the day. It's only four periods, now three, now two. I counted down as classes passed and the end of the day came closer and close. I was so eager to get up and go that I had almost forgot about all of my other responsibilities. Like school, not that it held much importance to me anymore. I was screwed when it came to school and my education no matter what by now.

When the last period of the day came, it felt as if I had been hit by a truck. All of this excited yet nervous waiting and the tight anxious air following me had exhausted me down to my very core. I was actually surprised that I could stay awake through the entire class without Eren or Mikasa there for me to talk to. 

The moment the final bell rang, releasing us from seventh period, I was gone. Already making my way down the halls and towards Levi's room before some teachers had even let their students leave. I watched as the halls filled around me, making it more and more difficult to push through the crowd that was trying to go in the opposite direction from me. 

People muttered angrily as I shoved past them, a few even sent dirty glares my way, but I couldn't even find it in me to care at this point. Even if I did care, their angry stares and rude words were nothing compared to my French professor. Just one class with Levi is enough to toughen your skin. I had been with him for almost half a year now and I had slowly caught onto all of the ways to just ignore the ignorant people who attended this school, knowing that their opinions meant nothing.

Though even with that mindset sometimes anxiety still clouded my mind, letting my fears take over. The angry grumbles and glares from the people in the halls could leave me a nervous mess with tears flowing down my face. After awhile I'd give up and wait for the crowd to pass, because anxiety told me that it would be more convenient for everyone else if I just stayed out of the way. Because where I was trying to go, or what I was trying to do never mattered to anxiety. In anxiety's eyes I was more worthless than a single speck of sand in a barren wasteland.

But at this moment, anxiety gave me all the control I needed. For once I could push past the crowd and past my fears. I didn't have to stop and wait because what I was doing actually did matter. I was doing it for Eren, and he mattered more than anything else I had ever known. The thought of him gave me the power to overcome anxiety even for just a little while.

I finally reached the classroom, stopping to catch my breath as I leaned up against the cold wall. My hot breath swirled out in front of me, floating away until it dissipated before my eyes. Each puff got small and smaller until I had gained full control of my breathing again. 

Standing up straight, I walked towards Levi's door and gave a few light knocks, hoping that someone in there would hear me. There were blinds covering every window that showed inside the classroom, including the small window on the door. I had no clue how many people were currently in there.

Thankfully, someone did hear my knocks and the door swung open revealing Marco, looking about the same as he had this morning. 

"Hey Armin," he greeted, motioning for me to come in.

I entered the room, looking around to see a few familiar faces staring back at me, though most of them I didn't recognize. I shifted nervously in the doorway, watching the way that everyone took in my presence, all eyes were suddenly on me. 

"Armin! I was so worried that you wouldn't come! I was about to go looking for you but Levi wouldn't let me!" Hanji suddenly screeched, startling me and everyone else around her.

"Is that everyone?" Levi asked, ignoring her outburst. He was sitting at the end of a table that had been placed in the middle of the room. 

"I believe it is," Marco informed him, pulling out a chair at the other end of the table, the side closest to me. "Armin you can sit here."

I thanked him as I sat down, looking around at the rest of the people who sat at the table. Marco sat to my left next to Hanji and another man that I didn't know. To my right were two more men who I hadn't seen before, though it felt as if I had. They were probably teachers who I had passed in the hallways a few times.

"Well allow me to introduce myself," the large blond man to my right said. "I'm Professor Smith, but you can call me Erwin if you'd like. I'm from the government and law department. It's nice to meet you Armin," he struck out his hand, a calm smile resting on his lips. My blue eyes met his and I could only stare, though a few moments after I realized that he wanted me to shake his hand.

"I-It's a pleasure," I stuttered out lamely, quickly grabbing onto his hand which was much larger than my own. I shook it before pulling away and resting my hands in my lap, staring down at the table in embarrassment. He only chuckled at my display and turned again to face Levi.

The man with longer dirty blond hair and a thin mustache, sitting next to Erwin, spoke up next, "I'm Professor Mike, or just Mike is fine. I'm from the psychology department, you may have seen me around Professor Zoë's class a few times."

I nodded, "I think I have, you look familiar. It's nice to meet you."

Finally the man to Hanji's left introduced himself, "And I'm Professor Schultz but most of my students call me Professor Gunther. I'm from the technology department, I doubt that you've seen me before unless you have classes over there."

I didn't have classes anywhere near there and I had never seen him before. "It's nice to meet you too Professor Gunther."

Levi sighed, "Well now that all of that's out of the way, let's talk about why we're here. Armin you can explain everything to them."

"O-Okay," I clear my throat nervously. "I guess I'll start from the beginning then. I'm not sure if you all know him or not, but we're here mainly because of Eren Jaeger. He is my best friend, and also my boyfriend," I stated confidently, ignoring the surprised looks everyone was giving me along with Hanji's loud squeal. Marco smiled encouragingly, almost fondly, while Levi smirked and nodded knowingly.

I continued from there, "Awhile ago, before Christmas vacation, he lost his mother due to a fatal car accident. I was the one that found her and called 911. She eventually died in the hospital and Eren never got to see her again. He was already upset and a bit off because of that but over time he seemed to continuously decline. I was with him for a large portion of vacation and I could see the way he was slowly getting worse and worse, but I had no clue why. When we arrived back to school he was in an even worse condition, it was like he was here physically but somewhere else mentally. So I asked for other people's opinions and if they had noticed it, but most said they hadn't and I was overthinking it. Even Eren brushed me off, which wasn't like him. Finally Marco texted me asking me exactly what I had been asking everyone else and we decided to talk to Levi about it, now we're all here," I ended with that.

Everyone was nodding thoughtfully, besides the man sitting directly across from me. Levi spoke up, everyone turning to him in surprise at the cold tone he used. "I think you're forgetting something important Arlert."

All eyes flew to me, it was like they were watching a tennis match with the way their heads flew back and forth. "Well... I didn't really plan on telling everyone about that..." I said cautiously.

Levi crossed his arms over his chest and he tapped his foot with irritation. "You do want our help correct?" I nodded. "Then you're going to have to tell them everything, you can't keep any details a secret no matter how big or small."

I nodded again and took a deep breath, gaining my composure once more; I was doing this for Eren. "This part began prior to vacation too. I started to notice bruises popping up on Eren almost everyday. When someone pointed it out he'd tell some crazy story of how he got it and everyone always got a laugh out of it. But the stories all felt like bad excuses to me and his laughter never seemed real. He tried to hide a lot of the marks from me, probably tired of coming up with all these stories, but it didn't work."

I paused there to gauge everyone reactions; they had all grown serious. "Now Eren isn't a clumsy enough person to get new bruises on him every single day, I've known him for a long time so I know what he's like. It's just not possible for him to hurt himself so often. So what I have come to believe is that he is getting them from something else, or rather someone else."

All eyes had darkened by now, they finally had caught on to what I was getting at. 

Erwin was the first to respond, "So you're saying that he is being abused. Do you have any evidence of this occurring?"

"No sir," I muttered quietly.

"Do you at least know who is abusing him?" 

"I don't sir. I've thought about it for a long time but nobody has come to mind. Everyone that we know seems incapable of hurting him like that."

Mike spoke before Erwin could respond again. "I think we should start by analyzing the people who are closest to him. Their behavior over the past few years versus how they have been acting more recently. They're the most likely to be doing this, so we have to make sure all of our research is thorough." Everyone began to nod in agreement. "Armin–" Mike turned to me, "–who is Eren closest to along with his current family members?"

"He lives with his father, Grisha Jaeger, and his adoptive sister, Mikasa Ackerman. Though I really don't think that either of them could ever-"

"Armin," Levi interrupted, "It doesn't matter that you believe they can't hurt him. Some times you don't know a person as well as you think you do. If you're going to do this, then take it seriously. Like I said, we have to go over every single detail even if it seems like a waste of time."

"How have they been lately?" Mike asked once Levi finished.

"Mikasa has been more quiet than normal and she's refusing to tell me what's going on with Eren. But other than that she's been her normal self. The last time I saw their father was over Christmas vacation. He was quiet and on edge, and he watched both of his kids more carefully than usual. I assume that's because he's worried about them since they just lost their mother."

Mike considered my words before asking another question. "Have you noticed any strange behavior from anyone, particularly from those two?"

"Nothing too out of the ordinary... Do you all actually think they would be able to hurt him," I asked, my hands balling into fist on the table, almost offended that they were suspecting Grisha and Mikasa. They were too kind to hurt Eren, I knew that they never would. These people were wasting their time with this.

"Armin listen," Marco said softly, laying his hand on top of mine. "I know you don't want to believe that they could hurt him because you're so close to the two of them. But you have to be more open minded about this. If one of them really is hurting him, and we don't look into them, then we are never going to stop Eren's abuser. I don't want to think that his family is hurting him either, but it does happen. Plus, if they really are innocent then there's nothing to worry about right?" He paused to smile at me, but his expression shifted to a pleading one when he continued, "So please, just go along with it. For Eren."

My stomach dropped at those last two words. How could I be so stupid? We're investigating Eren's abuse and I'm trying to stop them from considering two possible suspects. They're right; people change, and I really don't know Mikasa and Grisha as much as I probably think I do. If I was going to help Eren, then I needed to accept that just maybe he's being abused by a family member. 

I sighed, finally giving in. "Okay fine, what all do you need to know?" 

We started with Mikasa since she would be much easier to look into. We went over her daily routines to the best of my knowledge, who she hangs out with, along with her class schedule. We went over her past and her current relationship with Eren. Professor Gunther was given the task to research her for now.

After Mikasa we began to go over Grisha, this took much longer. I told them everything I knew about him. His past, his relationship with his children, his job, the hours that he normally worked. I told them how often he saw his children and the changes he went through after Carla died. Everything I could possibly tell them, all the way from his favorite color to the coat he was most likely to wear was told to them. They knew everything I knew now. 

Erwin was given the task to research Grisha and find whatever he could on him. Levi, Hanji, and Mike began to analyze everything that I had told them, trying to fit the pieces together. They had all taken notes and we're now writing a whole new set of notes using theories they came up with and how each could lead to a possible solution. 

The entire time those three were working together the room was filled with Hanjis excited squeals and Levis angry grumbling. It was comical watching them like that, since Levi was the one who invited her and yet he seemed so fed up with her presence already.

While they were doing that Marco and I had to come up with a plan to monitor Eren, Mikasa, and even Grisha to the best of our abilities. We decided that Marco would be doing the most at school monitoring since he saw both Eren and Mikasa more than I did during the day. He had far more classes with the two than I did. I was given the task of monitoring both Eren and the two suspects any time outside of school that I was able to. I had to go over his house as often as I could to do this, but I didn't mind especially if it meant Eren would be abused less than normal.

I still doubted that either of them were the abuser, but I was trying to the best of my ability to keep an open mind. I could only hope that researching the two would lead us to nothing but a dead end. But then again, would it be better if it was one of them so that we could save Eren faster? Either way it hurt to think about, but I had to stay strong. For Eren.

So I agreed to keep a close eye on the two and make sure to note any changes or strange behavior. I'd also keep track of Eren and any new development with him. I also agreed to attempting to keep track of Eren's bruising the best that I could, hopefully in picture form if possible. That could always be used as evidence in the future.

We were all hard at work in our separate groups, everybody desperately trying to solve this mystery. I never would have guess that by the middle of my sophomore year I would be part of a small investigation team that was put together by my crass French teacher. I looked over at Levi to see a deep frown as he scribbled something out on his paper. Just then he looked over, his frown deepening as he shook his head and then returned to whatever Hanji was rambling about. 

A few hours passed like this, all of us hard at work trying to find clues that would lead us to our answer. Professor Gunther and Erwin were able to dig up a lot of information on the two but none of it seemed helpful to the investigation. Even so, they took note of everything; it could be useful since you never know what type of information you'll need and when you'll need it.

It was hard to accuse a tenth grader and a friendly town Doctor of doing such a thing. It would be even harder to find evidence that either of them had the ability to harm Eren. That just made Gunther and Erwin's jobs that much harder, but maybe that's why Levi chose them to do it.

Levi, Hanji, and Mike had pages upon pages of possible theories and reasons as to why either would be abusing him. All of them had things that still needed to be tweaked and most needed more information to be able to continue with the theory. But they were still getting somewhere. They picked the top five most likely situations and decided to start with those. I noticed that most included Grisha but ignored that little fact, they knew what they were doing.

Marco and I had devised a plan along with a schedule that laid out who we would watch and when. We also had gone over how to go about this, mentioning stuff like what we ask them and other people, when to leave them alone completely, and what to do if they begin to get suspicious. Hopefully we could lay low enough that the last part wouldn't happen.

By this time everyone was exhausted and we had all given up on working for the day. Instead we sat around at the table, going over papers, ideas, and just talking in general. We knew it was getting late and we should probably head home soon, but nobody cared how late it had gotten. Nobody wanted to leave after all of the time we spent together working so hard. So we just enjoyed each others presence for the time being. It was nice to know that everyone was here for the sole purpose of ending Eren's abuse, and I couldn't help but smile at that.

It was Levi that surprised everyone when we all began to pack up our stuff to head home for the day. His area was already clean, no surprise there, so he sat in his spot watching as everyone else gathered their belongings. He had spoken over the shuffling sounds coming from everyone around the table, causing us all to pause what we were doing and stare at him.

"Honestly, I just want to find the fucker who is doing this. I just want to get his or her disgusting ass thrown and jail so that we can end the poor Jaeger kids misery. No kid should have to go through something so awful. And no kid should have to spend hours after school trying to save their friends life. It's just not right," Levi muttered, dragging his hands down his face.

He had noticed the sudden silence though, and glaring up at us he asked, "What the hell are you fuckers all staring at?"

We were all too stunned to answer him, nobody making any moves to turn away. The only person who had half a mind to move had apparently been Hanji.

She squealed, running up to Levi to punch his cheeks, "Awe! PaPa Levi is worried about his boys! How sweet! Who knew, you had a soft side!" 

The whole table was grinning now as we watched the display, though Levi didn't find it nearly as amusing as the rest of us had. "Get your nasty hands off of me you lunatic!" He shoved her away, quickly wiping his face with the sleeve of his jacket as if trying to rid himself of her germs.

Hanji only cackled at him, throwing her head back and wrapping her arms around herself. "Oh, Levi! You never change!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" He asked angrily, glaring up at her from his seat.

They went on like that for awhile, bickering back and forth while the rest of us could only shake our heads and ignore the two. It really was quite the childish display, especially for Levi. Maybe that just meant that he was close enough to these people that he was okay with acting like that. It was strange, but nothing that I couldn't get used to.

"Some things never change," Erwin commented, shaking his head at the two as Hanji jumped on Levi and wrestled him to the floor. 

"Hanji, I swear to whatever fucktard that lives in the sky, if you don't get off of me I will throw you off of the damn rooftop! Get your heavy ass off of me you dirty elephant!" Levi threatened, but it was no use. She only laugh and continued to hold him to the ground as he struggled beneath her.

I turned towards Erwin, "What do you mean?"

"They were like this even is high school and college. We've all known each other for a long time, but it's been awhile since we've all been together like this. I guess we've all been so busy, nobody thought to take a break and enjoy each others company again for once. Even given the circumstances that have caused us all to gather here, this is nice," Erwin smiled fondly at the two on the floor. 

I nodded, watching as Levi finally got free and pinned Hanji to the floor. "Have mercy on your dear old friend Levi! If you throw me off the roof now, whose gonna help you with analyzing the case? Who can analyze better than a scientist?!" She struggled to get away from him, though her squirming seemed to have no effect.

Levi sighed, letting go and quickly getting far away from her before she could touch him again. He spoke from the doorway, "Fine, but when this is all over you're dead. Now everyone out, it's fucking late and I need to feed my cat."

I couldn't help by laugh at that, though the glare Levi sent me had me scurrying out the door in no time. Marco and I said our goodbyes as we split off from the rest of the group. While all of the teachers drove here on their own, Marco and I had to take the bus so we would be together for a little while longer. I think his house was even in the same direction as mine, though mine was a lot further away. 

Marco broke the silence that had washed over us, rubbing his cold hands together as he spoke, "How are you doing Armin?"

"Huh? I'm fine, why?" I asked, confused.

"This has to be hard for you. Even though you have all these people now, you're still the closest one to Eren. And I'm sure that you haven't talked to anyone about how you're feeling about all of this. You've probably been too worried about Eren to care for yourself," he said, glancing at me from the corner of his eye.

I stopped in my tracks, blinking at his retreating figure, he kept walking without me. Leave it to Marco to continue to worry about other people even after we spent all night doing just that; worrying about someone. I hurriedly join him again, jogging to catch up, "Well of course it's hard, but I'll be okay. It's harder for Eren than it is for me," I mumbled the last part.

"Even so, it looks like somethings bothering you. You seem off too," he pointed out.

I only shrugged, "I guess I'm just a little anxious, that's all."

"You can always talk to me, or even someone else about that, you know? It's not good to just keep pushing your own feelings away."

"Yeah..." I said, unsure of how else to respond. I really wasn't comfortable talking about my feelings to someone else, it wasn't an easy thing to do. It left you so vulnerable and bare to the other person, making it so easy for them to hurt you in ways that were almost unimaginable.

"Or, if you don't want to talk to someone, you can write about it," he offered instead, noticing my reluctance.

"Im not good at writing though. What would I even write about?" 

"Well anything. You said you were anxious so write about your anxiety if that's what will help you feel better. It's up to you Armin," he smiled, letting me step in front of him as we climbed onto the bus. 

I pondered his words even as our conversation had changed. I answered him, but my mind was completely elsewhere. He had sparked a whole knew chain of thoughts in my head that I couldn't help but think about. I'm sure that he could tell I wasn't really paying attention, and yet he still looked so pleased. Maybe he had meant for this to happen.

Whether he meant it or not, my brain didn't seem to care. All it cared about was his suggestion. Write about it. I was never good with words, especially when I was talking directly to someone. Even with the entire English language at my hands I never knew which words where the best to use. I never knew how to piece them all together perfectly to convey exactly what I was feeling or thinking. 

I'd nervously stutter over my words and eventually give up all together. I'd tell them to forget about it because it wasn't that important. Even though it really was important to me but I didn't know how to tell them that. My mind was filled with colorful displays of emotions rather than simple words, so I never knew exactly how to describe them. I chose to keep quiet instead.

But if it was to all go on to paper instead of simply leaving my mouth, maybe it would be easier. I didn't have to worry about what anyone thought. I could rewrite and revise to make it just the way I wanted it to be. It didn't have to be perfectly written because nobody else would be reading it. It would be meant for me and me only. It was just a way for me to express myself instead of holding everything in.

And it was probably the best idea someone has ever had, at least to me it was. I've always been told not to hold stuff in because it's bad for me. But nobody had ever provided me with a way to let it all out. It was always the same generic response of them telling me to just talk to someone about my problems. But that was the biggest issue about the situation because I really couldn't just talk to someone, and so I never did.

Marco had provided me with just the solution I needed to get this weight off my shoulders. So as I walked back home from the bus stop, I already began to think about exactly what I would write. 

When I arrived home, my coat and shoes were off in no time. I grabbed my backpack, hauling it all the way to my dark room and tossing it onto my bed. Flipping on the light switch, I opened my bag to search through it for a few blank sheets of paper that I could use to write on. 

I had to clear a small area on the table that sat in front of my window, moving books, papers, pencils, and pens out of my way. When the space was finally clear, I sat down in my chair staring down at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, wondering where I should start.

Clearing my head of everything else at that moment, I thought about what Marco told me. So with that in mind, I picked up my pen and began to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously can't wait for the next chapter, I've been waiting for that chapter since I began writing this fic. 
> 
> ALSO I drew something for this you can check it out on my tumblr (venomousabyss) if you'd like. I actually can't draw to save my life but I did anyways so yeah. (I'd link it but I'm a loser and don't know how, sorry) Its for chapter seven (not the beginning sorry) and I've been wanting to draw that since I wrote that chapter.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed chapter 16, feedback is always grately appreciated it seriously just makes my day, aaand I hope you're just as excited for chapter seventeen as I am! Thank you for reading!


	17. A Letter to Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is!!! Chapter seventeen I've been so excited for this! I really hope it lives up to everyone's expectations, I've been working hard on this chapter! 
> 
> Also I'm sorry that I tend to make a lot of mistakes, I don't always have time to go back and thoroughly edit. I've gone back and fixed some of it but I don't doubt that I've still missed a lot of mistakes.
> 
> And you might have already noticed but I changed the rating which I probably should've done a long time ago. But with everything that has happened or will be happening it really did need to be changed I think. 
> 
> One more thing, I'm sorry but TRIGGER WARNING: self harm. Again I'm sorry.
> 
> I'll stop rambling now, please try to enjoy chapter seventeen!

My pen practically flew across the paper as I wrote down each word, my mind endlessly supplying ideas that eventually took form into sentences. My hand was beginning to cramp after the hours that I had been writing for, but I couldn't stop when I was so close to being finished. Just a little bit more and I would finally complete it, after all this time I spent writing, editing, and rewriting this paper, I was almost done.

The moment I signed my name, I dropped my pen with a happy sigh, staring down at the completed paper. Relief washed over me as my eyes grazed over the curvy handwriting that was neatly written across each line. All that I had left to do now was to reread it one more time to check for mistakes. I gathered the papers and began to read from the beginning once more.

_Dear Anxiety,_

_My name is Armin Arlert and I am a sophomore in high school. My parents left me when I was young and my grandfather died shortly after that due to an illness. My best friends are Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Jaeger, who I've known since childhood. Eren has also been my boyfriend for a short time now. Even though we've had our fair share of problems, we got through them and I couldn't be happier to be able to call him mine. I'm about 5'4 now and I have blond hair and light blue eyes._

_Though, you already knew all of that. You've actually known me for a long time now, longer than most people have. You've faithfully stayed by my side practically my entire life, a feat that almost no one else has been able to accomplish._

_They all leave me, and whether it was their choice or not, in the end I always end up blaming it on myself. Because even when I know it isn't really my fault and that I couldn't have done anything to stop them, you force me to believe otherwise. Even when I try to convince myself that what you're telling me isn't true, I'm never strong enough to do that. Everything I loved became everything I lost, and according to you it was my fault. Everything is my fault when it goes wrong, that's one of the biggest rules you've carved into my brain._

_I'm not strong enough to overcome you, I never have been. You've left me beaten and bloody, with no choice other than to let you guide me through this life. But your guidance has been more of a nuisance. And I wish more than anything that I could just leave you behind and forget about all of the horrible things you've done to me; I never can. As hard as I've continuously tried ripping myself from your strong demanding grasps, I've never succeeded, I've never been strong enough to._

_You've controlled every single aspect of my life and have exhausted me to the point where I don't even see why it's worth trying to live anymore. So many times you've allowed me to imagine what it would be like to just end my misery, how wonderful it would be to leave this world for good. But even then you fill me of the fear of what comes after that._

_In fact, you make me scared of the most pointless things, and even when I tell you there's no reason to be afraid, you only make it worse. I'm so scared of losing the people I allow close to me, so now I'm too scared to even allow people to get close. They all have to stay at an arms length away or you'll come and ruin it for me again. Whatever I build for myself, you never fail to tear it down._

_Everything I try so very hard for you feel the need to destroy, leaving me to pick up the shattered pieces and start all over. You enjoy watching me fail, suffering as I try to fight against you, but never win. You like watching me try so hard to escape, but never succeed. It makes your fire burn even brighter, and your control over me just that much stronger. Your unyielding, vigorous control is a power that I've never overcome. You pound things into my head until it's the only thing I know, the only thing I'm left with to believe._

_You make me think that people don't actually like me, and are all pretending to be my friend out of shear pity. That they don't actually care about me and my existence is all just a joke to them. Even when I know that's not true, that they're good people and would never do that, you tell me I have to think that. What you tell me has always been the undeniable truth, and when I try to retaliate against your word, you make me suffer tenfold. You make me cautious around others, like they're all prepared to hurt me in any way possible. I never feel safe as long as you're still attached to my back._

_It's not only my thoughts anymore either, by now you've taken my body hostage. You make me involuntarily sweat and shake, you make my heart pound to the point where my chest aches and make it hard for my lungs to get a full breath of air. You like to watch me fall apart in your gasps, but just before I reach the final breaking point you let go. So many times I've wished that you would just break me already; end this torture._

_And your friend that has slowly joined during the past few years, it's not better than you. That damn bastard, depression. It leaves me feelings worthless and unneeded. It tells me that life isn't worth living and that I don't have a chance at a happy future anyways. It tells me to just stay in bed, allow the darkness to swallow me further, let the numbness consume me. I've gotten so used to listening to its every command that now I automatically allow depression to take over. And I'm left feeling the weight of depression every single fucking day, yet at the same time that sadness is pushed away and forced to the back burner. But it's always there, I always feel it's lingering presence breathing down the back of my neck._

_It's always a losing battle against the two of you. And how I want to end it all so damn badly. But you, you inconsiderate asshole, you make me too fucking scared to even do that. I'm too scared to live and at the same time I'm too scared to die, consequently I'm let with no option but to continue on through your torment. Every night I find myself hoping that somehow I'll be able to pull the damn trigger in my sleep. But that will never happen, you won't allow it._

_There's not much you allow anymore. Though, you let me believe that my family will come back for me one day, and I'm left staring at the front door waiting to see their faces. But the view never changes, and my hope never wavers. It crushes me all the same knowing that they'll never come back for me, but letting myself believe that they will. That's exactly what you wanted to happen, to crush me even further._

_And I wish I could tell someone what you've been doing to me. I wish I had someone to help me slip through the bars of the jail you've engaged me in. But you make me too scared to speak my mind, so I am obligated to accept everything and move on. I can't stand in front of a class without you taking over, I can't speak when you numb my mind and wreck my body. I can't raise my hand to answer a question or to ask to use the bathroom. So I repeat the answers in my head in hopes that someone might hear, and I just hold it until after class. Even small things like that are torture. Every little thing you've done to me had made my life a living hell._

_My mouth is glued shut by you when I need it the most, and it's ripped wide open when I need to stay quiet. I get mean and involuntarily angry at the smallest of things causing me to say stuff that I didn't want to. You force it out of me, letting me watch as my own words cause someone else to crumble. And I crumble with them, but you catch me and rebuild me again._

_I say all these stupid things to people and I know I'll end up spending my entire night thinking about them over and over. I can't stop myself though. It's only a way to protect myself from the world and god dammit I hate it so much. I hate how people can be so easily open without being scared of getting hurt. You don't allow me to do that, you don't believe that I can do that. So I keep my mouth shut and continue to build up all of the pain that you have caused me until I've reached my breaking point and you're forced to repair me again. But I'm never the same, I've been broken far too many times to ever be the same again._

_You let me believe that you'll make everything better, that life will be okay again and I can live on. And then you just go and destroy that too. You're only purpose in life has been to ruin mine and I'm so fucking done. I want so desperately for you to go away, for you to leave me alone to live my life the way that everyone else gets to._

_But this is all too much fun for you to leave behind. You'd never dare think about letting me go, I'm too much fun to screw with. Ruining my entire life and everything that it entails is far too entertaining for you to give up. So you continue on having your fun while I struggle to drag myself through this lonely, desolate world._

_Every single time I have hope that someone, or something will be enough to get you to leave, you prove me wrong. Because getting you to go away is absolutely impossible. You've been with me for so damn long that you've somehow become a part of me. If I was to lose you then I'd lose myself, and then what would I do?_

_The only thing I'd have left to cling to is depression, and depression would happily cling right back. It's destructive force would only grow with you gone, but then maybe it would allow me to end it. Maybe depression is nice enough to see that I'm not needed here anymore. Depression can see that it's okay for me to go away because I don't mean anything to this world._

_When I die I'll be forgotten. Further down the line no one will remember me or the pain that I left behind for them. I'll be just another person who served their time in this world, and I'll be gone. I'll never leave that big of an impact on the world and it's terrifying. It's one of the scariest things, yet at the same time it's always been so reassuring. I really don't matter in the grand scheme of things and as much as that frightens me, depression says that it's okay._

_And it's weird. It's weird how I can feel perfectly fine, completely happy, but with one bad thought all of that is violently ripped away from me. As much as I try to fight for it, I can't get it back until the darkness fades again. Sometimes it'll be gone in a day, sometimes after a few weeks. But other times? Well other time it never goes away. It stays in the back of my mind like an intoxicating fog that I get lost in for all of enter its, screaming to be saved when there's never any one here to save me. The only ones to accompany me in the darkness is you and depression, but you're the ones I fear the most._

_When someone finally heard my cries, they listened, and they told me it would get better, but I'm losing faith in that. "How long?" I wish I could ask them. "How long do I have to bear this burden and wait for this better to come for me?" I'm not getting any better, nothing is. It's all fucking lies. Lies covered up by sweet encouraging words that have always meant nothing in the long run. It never gets better; they don't know what they're talking about._

_And you anxiety, you make me so fucking angry at people who actually get to live with real happiness. You make me jealous and envious, wishing that I could just trade lives with them and leave all of my suffering behind. But even then I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone else, no matter how much I hated them. Living with you is a struggle and I can only hope that everyone else who is stuck in this sinking hole can escape, even if I'm the only one who's left behind. Maybe then I would've actually meant something to the world. Maybe then I would've served my purpose and you would finally let me go, let me fall into the sweet abyss of the after life._

_And oh how I wish that when I die there's absolutely nothing there. My soul is so tired, I don't believe that I can take anymore. If the afterlife is just complete nothingness then I will be okay. My suffering will finally come to a euphoric end and I can live blissfully for a change. I'll finally receive my break after living with you all of this time._

_But you tell me that it only gets worse once I die. Though how would you know? How would anyone know? Nobody does and you make me fear that too. I don't want to be afraid but I am and that's all because of you. You tell me that even after I die, you'll still be there, you'll never leave my side. We were drawn together by some force and now it's impossible for us to be apart. You'll be by my side until the end of time and even after that. Maybe that's why death has turned into such a scary thing, knowing that I'll never get my happy ending. I'll never live in peace when you're permanently stuck to me._

_As long as we've known each other for I've never been able to find that peace that I've so desperately been searching for. Almost every single moment of suffering or pain or fear in my life can be traced back to you. You're the route of it all and there's nothing I can do to stop you. You're an endless force, pushing me to my limit until I reach my end._

_I can't do anything with you around; I'm afraid to do the things I like, things that make me happy. All because of you. I can't go out in public without your constant annoying presence telling me that it's not okay, that I made a horrible decision and need to get back to the safety of my own home before it's too late. I can't leave my house without you filling me with fear. And it's horrible. My nerves are always on edge and it feels like at any moment something will go horribly wrong. You try to prepare me for the worst, but then I'm always left expecting just that to happen; the absolute worst._

_You want me to keep to myself, to stay in the darkness of my own home where you seem to be most comfortable. You want me to stay there for all of eternity until I finally rot away leaving no signs of life, nothing but the gross physical evidence of my deteriorating body. The only sign of my existence would be the gravestone laying above my head when I was place ten feet under._

_You always want to be alone with me, knowing damn well that when it's just the two of us there's no way that I can ignore you. When we're alone you resume all control, filling my head with whatever terrible thoughts you spend your time conjuring up. You let me sit in the silence, pondering these things until it drives me to the point that I can't stand to think anymore. It leaves me with a physical pain, the pounding of my overused head is relentless. My brain begging for mercy, pleading for just a short break before you add more distress to the large pile that's already weighing down on me._

_Every move I make, every thought I have is monitored and altered by you. It's as if I'm living a lie, all the truths that I have ever known you've gone and changed them on me. Everything I feel is manipulated by you in some way but I can't escape. To you, it's just your job to control my life and you enjoy doing it. But is it really necessary to control me? Why can't we just live together in peace?_

_I've never understood why you have always felt the need to be in complete control when there's two of us. Take a break, let me have a turn on deciding how I live. Or live with me, learn to live together instead of playing silly games and ruining everything I've ever known. You're such a childish thing and yet you're mature enough to know exactly what you're doing to me._

_And man, do I fucking hating you for that. I hate you more than I've ever believed was possible. I don't want to hate you because you're such a large part of me, but I do. I hate you, and therefore you make me hate myself._

_In fact, you make me hate everything about myself. Even the parts of me that I know I should like, I hate them because of you. My height, my hair, my facial features, my voice, my clothes, my intelligence, every single aspect of me I despise. I'm disgusted by myself, leaving me unable to pay much attention to myself without feeling like complete shit. You make me feel like changing myself is the only way to ever be able to accept myself and I hate you for that. I want to accept myself the way I am, but you won't fucking let me._

_I don't want to change anymore than I already have over the years due to you, but you tell me I have to. Because I'm not good enough for you and to be better I must change. That's the only way to solve that problem according to you. But I know that's not true, I offer you ways to learn to accept me but you refuse to listen. You want me to change but even if I did I could never be good enough for you. No matter what I change or how many times I change it, I'll never be able to fully satisfy you._

_I hate how I've already allowed you to change me so damn much. Oh how I miss the little boy I used to be before you took over and ruined everything, turning me into a whole new person. I miss the happiness I felt during every second of my life. I missed the way my entire body felt like it was radiating with that happiness. I miss the way smiling felt so easy, and laughing felt so real. I miss having the courage and energy to do stuff. You've taken all of that away from me, even when I desperately tried to hold onto some small piece of it, your strong enough to steal it. The only thing I have left is Eren, though I'm sure someday you'll take away him too._

_And that terrifies me more than anything else you could do or already have done. Because he's all I have left now, the only real hope that I can cling onto. But every day you threaten to remove him from my life, so I cling onto him harder. I'm afraid that some day he'll get tired of me. Then you'd only laugh, knowing damn well that our relationship was ended because of the things you make me do._

_Now, I can't help but be angry at my younger self for being so naive to the ways of the world. For never thinking about how life could change at any moment. I'm angry for not cherishing all of those happy time while I still had them. I'm angry for letting it all slip away, only for you to take its place._

_And I'm angry for initially excepting you so easily. Maybe if I just fought back you would've thought that it wasn't worth it and given up. Maybe you would've moved onto someone else and I would be left to live my life the way that I wanted to. I would stay happy and naive to the world. Even if it sounds stupid, I'd rather be naive than bare the pain of living with you._

_Maybe I never did have a chance of escaping you. Maybe I was destined to be destroyed by your hands. What a miserable life that is; what's the point of it all? Why am I here if the only reason for my existence is because of anxiety?_

_Why can't you just leave? Why can't I just live my fucking life? I want to go out and do things, I want to experience the world for myself. I'm so intrigued by it all, and I want to learn more. But you're holding me back, stopping me from accomplishing my dreams._

_The only thing you've allowed for me is the stash of cash that I will one day use to run away. Maybe that's because the thought of me being the one who destroys my life for once intrigues you. Maybe you want to see how it turns out when I do the work for you. And that's so fucking evil of you, but I can't let that bother me._

_I don't care if I ruin myself with this. I don't care if it all ends horribly and I have to come crawling back home half dead. I don't even care if it kills me. It's the only meaning I have in life, other than being tortured by this demon named anxiety. And I want it so fucking badly. I'll shamelessly admit it to everyone that I know that I strive to leave this town and make a life for myself, even if there's a chance of it all going to shit. Ever since my parents left this is all that I've ever wanted; to escape._

_But somehow you make me scared of leaving too, because what if something really does go wrong? After all of the work I've put into this, all of the research that I've done. All of the time I spent on this one single goal in life. What if you ruin this too? Are you just letting me build myself up just so you can knock me down again? But then why are you waiting do damn long? You could've ruined this for me awhile ago but you never did. Why?_

_That doesn't matter, it shouldn't at least. You'll find a way to make it matter I'm sure. In time it'll be just another issue plaguing my tired mind._

_I'm beginning to think that I'll never have enough paper to write this all down. The pain of living with anxiety never ends, so my words shouldn't either. But this is enough, it's not worth writing anymore. I'm not worth the effort I wasted doing this, so says anxiety. Even when I try to fix myself, anxiety comes and ruins that too. This was meant to help, but by now I feel even worse._

_All I want is to live my fucking life, but anxiety has a such strong hold on me that it will never be possible. So this is all I have to say to you, anxiety: let me live! Just let me fucking live!_

_Sincerely,  
Armin Arlert_

Hot tears streamed down my face and I clenched my jaw in anger. I slammed to papers back down onto the desk, the slapping sound loud in my silent house, revolted with what I had written. It was all the truth, but it hurt so much to write. It hurt even more to read, the realization of my own words slowly sinking in. It burned every inch of my body and all I could do was scream, desperately trying to release the pain that was now scorching inside of me.

The only way to stop the burning was to let my emotions out through my mouth, but the screaming wasn't enough. It didn't satisfy me and the burning only got stronger. I threw myself to the ground, banging my fist on the floor as I continued to scream, clenching my eyes shut to stop the tears from flowing. 

There wasn't even decipherable words coming out of me, just agonizing screams. Everything hurt and all I wanted was for the pain to go away, to forget about all of the horrible things that I just resurfaced with my writing. But I couldn't suppress the thoughts, so I screamed even louder, feeling the way my entire diaphragm rattled with every excruciating wail.

I tugged on my hair, wrapping the silky strands tightly around my shaky fingers, trying to tear the words out of my head. But they only repeated themselves louder and louder. Nothing would make them stop, nothing would end this merciless torture. My eyes sprung open as I howled even louder, trying to hear myself over my thoughts.

Writing was supposed to help, it was supposed to take away the pain. But all it ended up doing was making it worse and now I had no idea what to do with myself. I wanted to rip up those pages as if that would make this all go away, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get up off floor and destroy the atrocity that I had personally created. It was such an amazing idea, so what did I do wrong?

What had I done to cause this to happen? Did I not write all of my feelings out like he told me to? I couldn't blame Marco for this pain, because I was the one who made a mistake. I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong, but it was my fault that I felt like this.

My tears fell to the floor beneath me, seeping into the carpet and slowly disappearing from my view only to be replaced by new ones. My mouth hung wide open as I pushed those broken sounds out, my screams turning into horrible, wounded cries. The sound echoed throughout my empty house, reaching my ears again. This only served to remind me how truly alone I was.

I had absolutely no one to turn to now. Eren had his own horrible problems that he was suffering through right now, so I couldn't burden him with this. Marco had already tried to help but I somehow messed it up, so I can't run to him yet again. No one else will be able to handle me like this. I can let anyone else see me so broken, to hear me in so much pain. I couldn't scare yet another person away, I wouldn't be able to handle that.

The pain was sweltering, bubbling inside of me, coursing through my veins and traveling around my body. It was an endless cycle and I had no idea how to make it end. I begged for help, for something that would make it stop. But help never came, there was nothing I could do.

I tried to stand, my screaming since stopped, leaving me with just my harsh breathing and the ringing in my ears. My legs were wobbly and my eyes unfocused, I was unable to balance myself in time and toppled over back onto the floor, whimpering. The room was spinning around me and that along with this burning pain was making me nauseous. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and knew that I needed to move if I was going to make it to the toilet on time. 

I struggling to lift myself with weak, shaky arms, pushing myself off of the floor. I slowly stood up again, taking a moment this time to gather my bearings. When my body seemed to settle down as much as it would at the moment, I let myself walk. One foot shuffling in front of the other until I made it to the wall where I would be able to support myself. 

My body rested against the cool surface of the wall, bringing a small amount of relief from this horrible burning. I leaned my head against it, rejoicing in the way that it cooled my feverish skin. The fire in my stomach told me that I couldn't enjoy the cold wall much longer, needing to get to the toilet immediately, before I puked all over the carpet.

Shuffling along the wall, I finally made it into the bathroom, leaning on the counter for support. I used the light pooling in from the hallway to guide me, finally dropping in front of the toilet. I let my face rest on the seat; this probably would've bothered me more if I wasn't about to puke out my entire stomach.

Apparently I made it just in time, the contents rising in my throat caused me to sit up and grab the edges of the toilet bowl, leaning my face over it. At that exact moment I exploded, any trace of food I had leaving my body in gross, bile-coated chunks. It was a mess of unnatural colors and shapes floating around. I coughed up more, some of it had gotten stuck in my throat on the way up. I sniffled, both my eyes and nose had gotten runny. The putrid smell caused me to dry heave a few time before I could reach up and flush the toilet.

The smell never left though, and eventually my hazy mind figured out that it was stuck to me. So stripping off my cloths, I forced myself up once again and turned on the shower. I waited for the water to warm before stepping in, letting myself sink into the tub as hot water cascaded over my body from the shower head.

I closed my eyes, feeling the way the steamy water matched the temper of my searing insides. It was peaceful, feeling the droplets hit and them slowly roll off of my skin. I tilted my head back, leaning it against the cold tiles. But when I did so, I accidentally hit something resting on the edge on the tub, causing everything there to fall.

I sighed, reaching for each item to put it back into its place. I thought I was done when suddenly something shiny had caught my eye. I reached down the pick it up, inspecting it to figure out what it was. It was hard to tell what it was exactly in the dim lighting of the bathroom. I brought it close to my face, finally seeing what it belonged to. The razor Eren usually used when he visited had fallen with everything else, breaking in the process as heavy objects had fallen on it.

I picked up the other part of the razor, placing it back in the corner. Though, I kept the other piece that had broken off in my hand, contemplating if it was worth it. The small piece of shiny metal was almost too enticing, the way it dug into my soft palm, biting at the flesh there. I told myself, just this once I would slip, just this once and then I'd throw the stupid thing away.

I brought my left arm up, inspecting the unmarred skin there. It was just a perfect pale plain of skin; it felt boring. It needed something more exciting, something more lively. This pale skin made me look dead, I needed conformation that I was still alive, still a part of this ruthless world.

I barely even flinched as the metal pressed into the skin of my pale wrist, blood slowly seeping out and dripping down into the tub below me. I watched in a trance as that beautiful crimson swirled around in the bottom of the tub and was eventually washed away by the water. I needed to see it again, just once wasn't enough to appease this newly found hunger. 

I pushed harder this time, dragging it to the side and creating a much larger wound. Blood was pooling out if it, the dripping red was endless. I was covered in the wonderful color, it stained the skin of my wrist and speckled my naked thighs below it. It was too good to stop; one more time I told myself.

And again, I dragged the enticing metal across my skin. I practically bathed in the stinging that accompanied the cuts. Anything was better than the burning inside of my body, anything was better than that agony. And that was when I realized, it was fading. The pain was seeping out of my body along with the alluring blood, all of it washing away down the drain. 

So again, I broke my skin with that biting silver, letting all of the pain finally escape. I was free of the burning, free of that agonizing pain. I set the razor down on the edge, satisfied with the large amount of red that continuously flowed beneath me. I was dazed by the color that flowed so perfectly with the steamy water. But sadly I couldn't watch it forever.

I sat up and shut off the shower head. Stepping out, I wrapped myself in a white towel, watching the way my arm stained blooming red spots into it. Ignoring that, I made my way back to my room, listening to the steady drip of water falling off my body. I pulled on the first pair of pajamas that I could find, which happened to be a long-sleeved black shirt that Eren left here along with a pair of black shorts. Sitting on the bed, my attention was completely drawn to the way my arm stung with every movement, red staining the sleeve of my shirt. 

I knew I couldn't let that get on anything else, enough of my mind was working to tell me that much. So I grabbed gauze and bandages from the bathroom to properly wrap it. With that in hand, I sat on the bed again. After struggling for a few minutes, my arm was finally wrapped up and out of view. I'd probably have to change it in the morning, but that was if I even bothered to.

I couldn't find it in myself to feel any guilt with what I had just done, if anything I felt more alive. My entire body was buzzing, even over the underlying numbness that was sure to take over sooner or later. I told myself that when the numbness finally did defeat me, I wouldn't do this again. But I also only told myself just once, and here I was with four inflamed wounds, blood still seeping into gauze I carefully wrapped them with.

I suddenly jumped when the phone vibrating on my desk startled me from my thoughts, the screen lighting up. I quickly grabbed it and returned to my spot on the bed, turning it on to see that Marco had texted me.

**[Marco :P- 3:45am]**  
I know it's really late, and I don't want to bother you, but I just wanted to ask something really quick. Did the writing help you at all? 

I was unaware that it had gotten so late and was also very confused as to why he'd be up at this time. I typed back a quick response anyways.

**[Me- 3:46am]**  
Yeah! It actually worked really well, I'm feeling so much better. Thank you! 

**[Marco :P- 3:47am]**  
Good, I'm glad. I really need to go to bed now; I just wanted to check up on you first. Good night Armin, I'll see you at school tomorrow. 

I threw my phone on my side table after reading that, falling backwards onto my bed. I laid on top of the covers, shivering as the cold air seeped under my skin. I would've moved, but I was far too exhausted. It had been a long day and all I wanted to do was sleep. So that's exactly what I did. I let the darkness pull me under, enjoying how peaceful it was to be unconscious even for just a little while. I'd have this short amount of time to forget everything that had happened; I would enjoy the peacefulness of my dreams while it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What have I dooone?? I'm sorry, poor Armin omg. Hopefully all of that italics wasn't annoying to read (I can go back and change it if it was). Also look at the word count lol
> 
> I hope you enjoyed even though this whole chapter was just sad!! Remember all types of feedback are always appreciated!! Thank you for reading (and I'm still sorry)


	18. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm so sorry there was no Wednesday update. Some stuff happened and I didn't have my iPad so I couldn't write until Thursday. Thankfully I could write this chapter out in time for Saturday. 
> 
> Also thank you so much for 1000 hits. Honestly I wasn't ever expecting to get any more than 100. Thank you so much for following along, giving kudos, and commenting. It all really means a lot to me. And!!! Now the word count is over 100k!! Yay!! 
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoy chapter eighteen, sorry again for the late update.

My dreams were not sweet. They were not calming or even peaceful. They only served as a continuation of the horrible reality that I live on a day to day basis. Those tortured screams were harsh against my eardrums, but where were they coming from? Were those my screams? And that red, that blinding red that I could hear dripping through the cracks on my ceiling, pooling in a warm puddle beneath me. Was that mine too?

I startled awake from those terrible dreams, nightmares, now the only sound that reached my ears was my own harsh panting. My throat was dry and scratchy and my clothes clung to my hot, sweaty skin. The blankets were tossed messily onto the ground, I must have ripped them off in my sleep. The room around me was still pitch black, no light was allowed past the dark clouds that covered the sky.

I reached over to my night stand to grab my phone, my weak, shaky hand barely able to hold it. The screen was blinding, my watery eyes took a few moments to adjust to the sudden brightness that had bombarded them. The time on the screen read 4:07; I hadn't even slept for half an hour. A notification sign flashed in the upper right corner, and I unlocked the phone to see what it was. 

I had gotten another text from someone. Opening my messages, I was surprised to see who had texted me.

**[Eren <3- 3:58am]**  
Hey r u still up???

**[Eren <3- 4:02am]**  
Is it ok if I come over?? I miss you

My heart fluttered in my chest when I read the second text. Eren, hadn't texted me in at least over a week even though I assumed that he was the one that I'd be texting the most. Apparently that wasn't the case. To say that I was surprised to see his text would be an understatement. But more than that, I was filled with a comforting happiness. With everything that's been going on lately, we hadn't been able to spend much time together; I missed him too.

**[Me- 4:09am]**  
I miss you too... And of course you can come over! How about after school?

The response was almost immediate.

**[Eren <3- 4:09am]**  
No I meant right now

**[Me- 4:10am]**  
You can't come over this early in the morning! It's too dark to walk outside right now!

Was he crazy? He would probably get lost or hurt if he tried to walk over here. He couldn't drive either since only Mikasa had gotten her license; Eren had said that it would a waste for him to get it if he had someone else to drive him around. We all told him that he was being stupid and it would be worth it to at least have a license, especially if something bad ever happened. But he wouldn't listen to us, and now more than ever he refuses to get it.

We had school in a few hours, was he planning on skipping again? I wouldn't mind spending the day with him, even if we just lounged around for awhile. I just needed to be with him, I needed to feel his presence, feel the way he wrapped his strong arms around me.

**[Eren <3- 4:12am]**  
Well I already did!! I'm freezing my ass off out here can u at least let me in??? U can yell at me when I'm not standing in a pile of snow

I had to blink a few times to make sure that I had read that correctly. He was already here, which meant that he already walked through the snow in the pitch black just to get to my house. He really is insane.

I jumped out of bed after reading that, stumbling over the comforter on the floor as I ran towards my bedroom door. I slung the door open as fast as I could, bolting down the hallway to get to the front entrance. After unlocking the front door and throwing that open too, I finally saw him. 

Standing on my front porch in nothing but sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt was Eren. His head flew up when he heard the door open, causing him to pause in his effort to warm up his frozen hands with his hot breath. Instead he blew the breath towards me in a relieved sigh. I couldn't help but notice his rosey cheeks, the slight pink blending perfectly with his tanned skin.

"I thought you'd never answer," he laughed as he pushed past me to get inside, turning on the light in the entry way so that he could see.

I closed the door behind him, crossing my arms as I watched him sit down and start to untie his sneakers. "What if I didn't answer? What would you do then?"

He looked up, thinking for a moment before responding. "I'd use the spare key that you hid on top of the doorframe," he grinned triumphantly and continued to take off his shoes.

I sighed in annoyance, "What if it wasn't there? Then you'd be stuck out in the snow!"

"I could ring the doorbell until you woke up and let me in."

"The doorbell doesn't work," I told him, tapping my foot while I waited to see what he'd come up with next.

He hummed, "Well then I'd bang on the door until you heard. If you didn't hear I'd do the same to your bedroom window."

"I'm a heavy sleeper, I wouldn't wake up no matter how loud you banged," I retorted.

"We both know that's not true," he smiled knowingly as he stood up.

"Well let's say I didn't wake up, then what would you do?"

"I'd crawl in through your window, we both know you don't keep it locked." He said, sticking his tongue out childishly.

"Yes I do," I pouted, knowing that he was right but not wanting to admit it. We both knew that what he did was stupid, and I was just trying to prove my point.

Though it seemed that he had done a much better job proving his own point. He placed a hand on my shoulder as he passed me, "You're impossible, Armin."

"I'm impossible?" I squealed in exasperation, "You're the one who walked over here at three in the morning and now you're trying to reason with me!"

"Yeah, yeah," he brushed me off as he began to search through the fridge, obviously done with the conversation.

I gave in for now, sitting at the table to watch as he looked around for something to eat. It was definitely about time that I went grocery shopping, though I just couldn't seem to find the time, or the motivation for that matter. There's always something that comes up, something that's more important than eating apparently.

"Why'd you come over so early, anyways? Couldn't this have waited until the sun came up at least?" I asked, glancing outside to see that it was still completely dark out.

Eren was leaned over, rifling through the fridge as he responded, his voice muffled. "Nope, this was an urgent matter."

"What's so urgent that you have to trudge through the snow by yourself and wait to text me until your actually here without knowing if I'd actually even answer?" I asked, my tone making it obviously that I was unamused.

"I already told you," he turned and flashed me a grin, "I miss you."

My cheeks instantly grew red and I was unable to hold back the embarrassed squeak that bubbled out of me. I buried my face in my hands, knowing that his attention was fully on me now, if the refrigerator door slamming closed was anything to go by. I could hear his steps approaching me and I could only slouch further, hoping that I would disappear in the small amount of time before he reached me.

But sadly, he was too quick. He was kneeling in front of me and before I knew it, my hands were being gently pulled away from my face. My wide eyes stared into his own, my breath caught in my throat. Eren's bright green orbs were filled with a sense of wonder that washed away all embarrassment that I had previously felt. He looked at me as though I was something to be amazed by, something that needed to be protected and cherished. 

Even as the blush on my cheeks crept to my ears and neck, I couldn't look away. Those eyes were mesmerizing; I could drown in them if only he would let me. I could get lost for hours just staring into that vibrant green, seeing the way the reflection of the stars twinkled in them, shining brightly when the clouds had shifted away. I wanted to capture that sight so that I could stare at it forever.

Eren spoke in a hushed tone, his eyes staying glued to my own, "It's been awhile since I've seen you like this."

"W-what's that supposed to mean?" I asked defensively, frowning slightly.

Eren smiled gently, "So open with your emotions." He reached up to push a stray piece of hair behind my ear, his hand falling down to cup my cheeks afterwards. "What's going through that beautiful head of yours?" He asked, searching my eyes as if that's where he would find his answer.

"Nothing," I muttered, trying to keep my eyes on anything but him. It was a hard task when our faces were so close together, our breaths mingled in the small amount of space between us. 

I could feel his hot breath with every soft word that he spoke, "I'm sure that's not true. You can tell me anything you know?"

"I know," I said, still refusing to look at him.

"Hey," he called gently, my focus was unable to stay away from him. I couldn't resist but look at him when he used such a commanding tone, yet it was so caring at the same time; I wasn't sure how he did it. "I'm serious, if somethings bothering you then tell me."

I glanced down at my arm and then back up at him. It was a quick flick of my eyes, less than a second, but I'm sure he noticed. He looked suspicious when our eyes met again.

"It's just..." I was going to do it, I was going to tell him. I should have, but in mere seconds I lost all resolve and came up with an excuse. "It's been so long since we've been together like this. It's nice to finally be together again."

He smiled, accepting that as an appropriate answer. "I know, I've missed this so much. I hate not being able to see you; it kills me to be away from you."

"Y-yeah," I agreed lamely, unsure of what else to say to him after such a large confession. I had always been a bit envious of how easy it was for him to speak so openly like that.

Eren only chuckled, his hand finally dropping from my face. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me down into his lap in a tight embrace. I let my arms wrap around him too, needing the close contact after going without it for so long. I needed to know that he was still mine, that he was still there for me, just as much as he needed the same.

I buried my face in his shoulder, my nose flooded by his strong scent. I wrapped my legs around his back, drawing myself closer to him, clinging onto him for support. My world suddenly felt like it would crash down at any moment, and he was all I had to hold onto. My throat was tight and my eyes burned, as if they were filled with tears. But as much as I needed to, I couldn't cry; my body wouldn't let me.

"Armin I've missed you so much. I've missed you so, so much," Eren mumbled over and over, his voice laced with despair. His simple words were filled with so much meaning; it was obvious that being apart for so long really had gotten to him.

"Ive missed you too Eren," I whispered, my throat tight, reaching up to thread my fingers into his hair. Finally, a tear fell down my cheek, dropping onto his shoulder. From there, I couldn't hold them back. They came out in endless hot streams as my body shook and I tried to hold back the whimpers escaping me.

"Shh, I'm here now. It's okay, I'm here for you," Eren assured me, holding me closer and tightening his grip as he stood up. "It's okay, you're okay. We're together now and we're okay."

"I know," I sniffled, "I don't know why-" I was cut off by another sob, and buried my face against him again.

"It's okay, you don't need to explain. Come on, let's get you in bed, you're probably tired," he said, gently setting me down on my mattress. He laid down next to me, quickly enveloping me with his body again. 

He stayed close, rubbing my back and saying sweet words until I calmed down enough to fall asleep. I wasn't sure why I started crying, why the urge was so strong to begin with. What had triggered this sudden sadness? Was it because I was finally with Eren again, because for just a few moments I had realized things finally felt normal again? Even when I knew everything around me was still going wrong, that one moment felt right.

And it hurt to feel that again when I had been struggling so hard on my own just for that feeling. It came so easily when he was around. But I knew that nothing was okay and that hurt even more. Maybe that's what had caused those tears, or maybe it was all of the other emotions that were suddenly welling up inside of me again.

The guilt of keeping the investigation of his abuser a secret, and the guilt of keeping what I had done to myself a secret. The fear of losing him again, to never be able to feel his body up against my own. The sadness that had taken over only a small amount of time prior to his arrival, finally letting itself be known over the thick cloud of numbness. The sudden happiness of having him in my arms again, feeling his warm skin against me, his heat seeping into me and melting my frozen interior. Maybe it was all of those feelings combined, my body and mind didn't know how to handle it all, so they let it all come out in the form of tears.

Whatever the reason, I felt better with Eren beside me, soothing me to sleep. And sleep had never felt so good. I always forgot how great it felt to sleep with him beside me, keeping me comfort through the night. I wasn't sure what exactly was so different when he was there versus when he wasn't, but whatever that was didn't matter. Knowing that he was cuddled up next to me was enough to give me a proper nights rest for once, and I was okay with that.

Waking up was even better, light tingling sensations graced my face. On my cheek, my jaw, my forehead, my nose, and even the corner of my lips. As my eyes fluttered open I realized that Eren was hovering over me and that tingling was him peppering sweet kisses around my face to wake me up. He grinned, placing one last soft kiss against my lips before sitting up and stretching. 

"Good morning sunshine," he smiled, and I couldn't help but appreciate the way that the dim light pooling in from the window lit up his sharp features. I watched as his torso shifted underneath his shirt while he stretched, pulling the fabric tight against his toned body.

"G'morning," I said, followed by a long yawn as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "What time is it?"

"It's...," he trailed off, looking around for a clock. He spotted the one sitting on my bedside table, "Nine o'clock. We didn't sleep that long, are you still tired?"

I peered at him through my eyelashes, my arms folded behind my head, "No, I got enough sleep." 

Eren couldn't seem to hold back his smile, though I didn't understand why. He sat back on his knees, staring down at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world. The smile that graced his plush lips was completely comprised of fondness. I wasn't sure what he was seeing, what I looked like through his eyes. I wish I knew the reason behind the smile that held so much warmth.

If it was anyone else looking at me like that, I'd immediately become uncomfortable. But it was different with Eren, I liked when he looked at me with such tender care. The way his eyes glowed whenever he smiled like that was breathtaking. It was even better knowing that smile was meant for me. He took in every inch of me that his eyes could reach, and not once did that smile waver.

Not until his eyes made their way back up to my arms that had been situated behind my head. Something had caught his eyes, causing his features to morph into worried instead of happy. Just that sudden shift in his demeanor had my stomach dropping faster than my brain processed what exactly it was that he had seen.

He sat forward, carefully grabbing my left arm to pull it closer. The black long sleeve that had been stained with dark red, covering the bandages on my arm, was held in his hand. The spots were barely noticeable from afar due to the dark fabric; it didn't surprise me in the least that it had taken him this long to see them. He twisted my arm it back and fourth to see how bad the bleeding was, and I couldn't find it in myself to tell him that it was probably already dried by now.

"Y-you're... bleeding," he stated, the shock clearly written across his face.

"I uh... I think I accidentally scratched myself yesterday. I didn't um, notice the bleeding... I guess," I mumbled out an excuse, anything that would get him to release my arm. He wasn't holding it tightly, but it would be suspicious if I was to forcefully pull away for no reason.

"How bad was it? If it bled that much it probably needs to be wrapped," he continued as he started to pull the sleeve down to get a better look at my arm. I quickly yanked away from him on reflex, cradling my arm against my body. So much for not being suspicious.

"I-it's fine, you don't need to worry," I tried to reassure him, but my shaky voice wasn't nearly as convincing as I was hoping it would be.

"Armin, you don't want to get an infection," he reached for me again, desperately trying to help. He looked a mixture of hurt and confused when I leaned away from him. Why did my boyfriend have to be the son of a renowned Doctor? Of course he was going to want to see it, but I couldn't let him.

"I'm serious, it stopped bleeding awhile ago... I think," I mumbled the last part under my breath, looking back up at him. "I just need to change my shirt and it'll be okay."

"But why won't you let me at least see it?" Eren questioned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"There's nothing to see!" I snapped, jumping to my feet so that he couldn't corner me on the bed. "I'm going to change, please leave the room for a few moments."

"Leave the room... We always change in front of each other. What's going on?" His eyebrows were furrowed and I could tell just how hard he was trying to piece it all together. I could only hope that he wouldn't figure me out.

"I'm just uncomfortable. I need to change, please leave," I repeated in a monotone voice. I was putting up my defenses now, and I knew he'd be able to tell. I began to turn away from him but he abruptly grabbed my wrist, pulling my back down onto the bed. I winced as he let go of my arm, messaging it through the material of the bloody shirt.

"Are you trying to hide something from me?" He asked with a strange calmness to his voice, it was almost eerie. His entire expression was blank, his eyes devoid of all emotion. It sent a shiver down my spine, and all I could do was shake my head.

He nodded towards my arm, "Then let me see it."

"I can't," I whispered, shaking my head again.

Eren sighed, as if giving up, but I knew him better than that. His hand darted out and grabbed my wrist again, giving me absolutely no time to react before yanking back the sleeve to reveal the blood-soaked bandages that were wrapped around my arm. He stared at me in disbelief, his eyes darting from my arm and then back up to my face, trying to find an explanation for all of this. But he wouldn't find one, because there wasn't an explanation.

"What the hell Armin?" He asked, anger seeping into his voice, "Why would you try to hide something like this from me?"

I wasn't sure if he had fully caught on to the situation yet so there was still a chance for me to make it out of this without him finding out the truth. Though my chances were slim so I had to tread lightly. "I told you, it's just a scratch. I wrapped it up and now it's healing."

"This isn't just a scratch, don't play stupid with me. You really think that I don't know what this is?" He held up my arm to show me, as if I didn't already know how bad it looked.

"No, I just-"

He cut me off, "How long did you plan on keeping this a secret for? Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I don't know," I snapped defensively, "Why does it even matter?"

"Why does it matter? Because I care about you! I don't want to see you get hurt and I would definitely want to know about you hurting yourself. Why would you do this? Why did you think that hurting yourself was the solution? You could've talked to me, I'm here for you," Eren insisted desperately.

"I can't just talk to someone about how I'm feeling! We both know that!"

"But I'm not just someone, I'm your boyfriend. I've been your best friend for as long as I can remember. Don't you trust me enough to talk to me?" 

"Of course I do, but... it's not that easy," I frowned, trying to ignore the burning behind my eyes.

"What's so hard about calling me and saying 'hey I really feel like shit right now and I'm having bad thoughts'. That's all you have to say and I'll be there for you. Hell, you don't even have to say that. Just tell me that you need me to come over and I'll be here. Hurting yourself like this isn't the answer."

He had a good point but in my mind things just didn't work that way. There was more to it than a simple phone call; I needed more than someone to talk to. I needed to rid the pain and I wasn't sure if talking or even just being with him would ease that pain, as much as I hated to admit it. I wish that having him with me would take to all away, but at this point I wasn't sure if that was possible. Just thinking about the agonizing pain I as in after writing that letter makes me want to scream again.

"Well, what about you?" I asked, trying to change the subject. Anything was better than talking about what I had done. If I could squeeze something out of him for the investigation that would be even better, though I doubted he would tell me much.

"What about me?" He asked confused, still unwilling to let go of my arm. It was almost as if he was afraid that I'd run if he let go. But where would I go? The two places that I'd run to were with me right now; my house and Eren.

"Where are all of those bruises coming from?" I asked bluntly, noticing the way his eyes flashed with fear. "I know you haven't been telling the truth. Why have you been trying to hide that from me? How are you getting hurt so often?" Who's doing that to you, I wanted to ask him, but I couldn't.

"It's complicated..." He mumbled under his breath. 

"Too complicated for you to be able to trust me enough to tell me?"

His eyes snapped up to meet mine, surprised at how fast I had turned things around on him. "Look Armin... I'll tell you, I promise I will. I do trust you, more than anyone, but I just can't right now. Eventually I'll tell you everything," Eren promised, his eyes pleading for me to try to understand where he was coming from.

I couldn't understand, as hard as I tried to I just didn't understand why he would want to keep something so important a secret. I was offering him a way out of it all but he refused to take it. That could only mean that there was more to the story than I had originally thought. I nodded nonetheless, "Okay, I believe you."

Eren looked thankful, but quickly wiped that away and replaced it with a tender look. "Come on, let's get this cleaned up and put new bandages on."

"You don't have to-!" I squeaked as he lifted me in his arms, carrying me towards the bathroom.

"Yes I do, I won't be able to stop worrying about you otherwise," he told me, setting me down on the counter and kissing the top of my head.

Eren began to run the tap, setting a face cloth underneath the water that was currently heating up to be soaked by it. While he let that run, he faced me again. He took the bottom of my shirt, carefully pulling it over my head and setting it aside. I couldn't find it in myself to be embarrassed because of this as he continued to work, more focused on what he was doing to my arm to mind the way the cold air felt on my skin. 

Returning his attention to my arm, Eren grabbed the edge of the bandages, slowly peeling them away from my skin. Thought that had been difficult with the way that the blood had caused them to stick to my skin. I cringed as the dry blood pulled my skin up with it, but mostly contained my pain otherwise. Once it was all off I practically sighed in relief.

He grabbed the cloth, turning off the water, and began wiping my arm as lightly as he could. I winced as the hot water seeped into the open wounds. I thought they would've healed by now, but apparently they were worse than I had assumed. Only the first had closed, the rest were still open and oozing red. The area surrounding them was a rosey red color and inflamed, though after it had been cleaned up by Eren it didn't look as bad.

He inspected my arm, carefully turning it to look at each wound. He sighed, "I don't think you'll need stitches and it doesn't look like its infected. But if they don't close by tomorrow then I'm taking you to the hospital." I had no choice in this matter, even if I tried to protest Eren would still end up getting his way; he was stubborn like that.

He cleaned the cuts with peroxide, which hurt more than giving myself the wounds had. It stung so badly that my body stiffened and I unintentionally clung to Eren. My jaw clenching and my nails biting into his shoulders until the stinging had mostly subsided. He put some sort of gel on it afterwards, that I didn't even know I owned, before placing more gauze over the wounds. He re-wrapped them in bandages; overall his handy work looked so much better than mine had. 

Finally, he leaned down, placing light kissing up my wrist on the bandages. "Please don't do this to yourself again," he whispered, his forehead placed on my arm. I couldn't see his face, but I wasn't sure that I even wanted to see it; I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle his pained expression. 

He continued, lifting his head slightly so that I could hear him more clearly. His light voiced traveled to my ears, and I could practically feel how serious he was. "If you do, please tell me. I want to take care of you, but you have to tell me about these things. I won't be mad or whatever else your worried about. It's important that I know your okay, and if you're not then I'll be there for you."

"I will," I whispered back, talking normally seemed inappropriate at the moment. I grabbed his chin, pulling him back up to my level and mumbling, "I'm sorry," before I pressed my lips against his for a short kiss. When I pulled away, the look I saw in his eyes wasn't what I was expecting. It was more concerned than disappointed; it surprised me.

He rested his forehead against mine, "Don't apologize, it's okay. You're going through a tough time but I'm here for you no matter what."

I clenched my eyes shut at that, wiping away the tears that suddenly started to fall with my non-bandaged arm. He pulled me close to him, telling me that everything was okay. I didn't know if I could believe that, or if that was anything close to the truth. Was anything really okay anymore? I didn't know the answer to that. But what I did know is that I'd try my best to believe him. Eventually, maybe everything would be okay for the two us, who knew? No one knew the answer for sure, but that wouldn't stop me from having hope. Hope that 'okay' was in my future, our future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... A chapter that isn't completely sad... What a miracle. But seriously this chapter wasn't actually planned but there hasn't been enough moments with Armin and Eren just being cute together and it's very sad. 
> 
> So yeah I hope you enjoyed this happy chapter for once (I finally succeeded) aaaand as always feedback is always greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading!!


	19. Watching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I'm back from the dead!! (Kinda) Sorry for the long wait there's been a lot of stuff going on and it's been impossible to write (or write with a quality that I feel comfortable posting at least). It's just personal stuff so I won't get into it but thank you for waiting so patiently!! 
> 
> ALSO!! I recieved beautiful amazing fan art and it seriously made me so happy oml!! Thank you so much seriously! The link is here:
> 
> http://wildkitten312.tumblr.com/post/149064556386/its-been-a-while-since-ive-drawn-digitally-and
> 
> Feel free to check out wildkitten321 on tumblr (Also sorry I don't actually know how to properly link things lol)
> 
> Anyways go look at that wonderful art and then please enjoy chapter nineteen!!

The time that I had spent with Eren seemed to have a lasting effecting at first. The next day he was practically glowing, the complete opposite of what he had been for over a month now. It was nice to see him in such a cheerful mood, finally happy again after all of this time. But that happiness just couldn't last long enough.

But the time Friday had rolled around he had reverted back to his old quiet, cold self. It was like a slap in the face seeing how fast things could change. One moment he was smiling and laughing along with every one and then he next we were lucky if he was actually listening.

It only served as just another reminder that we still had to save him. That something in his life was wrong and we were the only ones who were trying to fix it. That in itself was discouraging, paired with the many failed attempts we had to get help when we were working in a team after school every day. They were all trying so hard, for Eren, but nobody was ever able to produce any positive results. Each attempt was always met with an equally devastating dead end.

The hospital refused to give any information regarding Grisha, saying that it was confidential. Even when Erwin explained the situation, both over the phone and in person, nobody would budge. This was most likely due to Grisha's high status in not only the hospital in Shiganshina but also many neighboring hospitals. They wouldn't have much of a problem giving out simple information on most other employees, but Grisha was different. In their eyes it didn't matter if he may be harming his son in some way, as long as he was still beneficial to them then they didn't care.

Erwin swore that if Grisha really was responsible for Eren's abuse then he's going to drag the hospital through the depths hell once this all blows over. Their reputation as one of the top hospitals will go down the drain, but they'll deserve it. They made a choice; you reap what you sow I guess.

When the hospital was of no help, we turned to the local police. We had all been hoping to keep them out of it until we were able to collect more solid evidence, but everything had come to a stand still so they had become our best options. No one could find any new information, all of the theories had been proven wrong, and I hadn't been able to see Eren very often because he had stopped answering me again. 

Therefore we decided that it would be more beneficial to have the polices help, or even to just hand over the case completely if that's what it came to. Though we all knew that none of us would actually do that, we'd keep trying until we uncovered the truth. There's no way we could sit back when we knew that Eren was still being abused, it's not in our nature to just accept the way things are when we don't like it. We'd do anything we could if we had the ability to, that's just he type of people we were.

But sadly, the police had been just as helpful as the hospital. They told us that if we did get have any real evidence then they couldn't do anything for us. I think it was more the fact that just hearing Grisha's name had spooked them into submission. I would've laughed at how pathetic they all were, acting as if they had power until someone than them was mentioned. They were nothing like the team Levi had gathered; they were useless to us.

Somehow the doctor had gained control over an entire town, including the authorities. How he had managed that, I wasn't sure. But the one thing that I was positive of was that we were officially alone in our efforts. The people who were supposed to be protecting us are too scared, too weak, to even do a little bit of poking around for clues.

The question then had become; what now? What could we do with absolutely no one on our side. When it seemed we had finally hit the ultimate dead end. We all knew the answer to this of course. We'd try harder, dig deeper; whatever it took for us to find what we were looking for.

Levi had found the most intelligent, persistent people he knew and molded them into the perfect team. He deserved endless thanks from me at the very least, but I didn't have time for that. Because me, along with everyone else, had a job to do. If no one else was willing to help us then we'd try our hardest to help ourselves.

Today, instead of staying after we were all heading out to search for more leads. Marco was taking Mikasa out for lunch to study her behavior and question her further on both her father and Eren. He was the only one of us who could do it confidently without causing any suspicion with Mikasa. It would be a tough job but Marco was more suited for it an anyone else.

Professor Gunter would be going to look through public records, hoping to find something useful there. Though most public records wouldn't have anything of use, it didn't hurt to try. Maybe a not-so-public-record was accidentally made public. There was little hope of this happening, but we'd try whatever we could to find clues.

Erwin would be trying to convince the officials from one town away to help us since they weren't as familiar with Grisha. I could only hope that he wasn't as well known out there at least. We knew that it wasn't very likely that they'd help us, but maybe for once we'd find somebody who actually had a heart.

Hanji, Levi, and Mike were given an interesting task to say the least. It had been Hanjis crazy idea to begin with, which was immediately shut down by everyone besides, surprisingly, Erwin. The rest of us thought that she had finally gone insane, especially Levi and Mike since they were part of her intricate plan. 

They were to go to the hospital, Levi having to fake some sever, sudden illness with his "superb acting skills" as Hanji had called it. While he was doing that Hanji would be in hysterics, to grab anyone else's attention. While everyone was distracted by the ruckus that they were causing, Mike would slip away without anyone noticing. He may have to do a bit of digging but apparently it would be easy enough to access the current files that they have on Grisha. I didn't understand most of it, so I guess it was a good thing that I was included. 

Erwin said he was fine with the plan as long as Mike was okay with it. Mike would be the one who would get in the most trouble if they are caught. He is also the most likely to be caught. It seemed like a lose, lose situation for him but he agreed either way. If he believed that he could do it then I'd just have to put my faith in him.

While all of that was happening, my job was to watch over Eren again. I'd be visiting him today, without any prior notification; it was our hope that Grisha would be here too. Showing up suddenly wasn't very unusual for the two of us since we had done it for most of our childhood. The only part that was strange was the fact that before I actually went inside I was told to watch through the windows and take pictures if anything was to occur. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get pictures before I sent myself flying to go save him as fast as I could, but I would try.

Afterwards, when I entered the house, I was in charge of keeping Grisha away and documenting any strange injuries that I found on Eren. I was still trying to think of a way to do the second part without straight up asking him. I couldn't force him to let me since he was so much stronger but it would also be hard to do something like that on the sly. 

I thought about this over and over as I made my way towards Erens house, right after I had gotten off the bus. The dry snow crunched underneath my feet as the wheels in my head turned. I clutched a small camera in my hand, one that Erwin had given me specifically for taking pictures of Eren. It seemed fairly new and I was more than a little surprised that he'd let me keep it with me. Not that I'd be doing anything that would cause it to break, hopefully.

When I made it to his house, I was surprised to see that Grisha was still home, or his car was still parked outside at least. Most days he'd be at work by now and wouldn't get home until late at night. This could either be a good thing or a very bad thing depending on how you thought about it. If Grisha really was Erens abuser, I still wasn't convinced that he was, then maybe I'd see him trying to hurt Eren. But that was also bad because I was hoping with almost every fiber of my being that it wasn't Grisha. Not only that but I couldn't bare watching him hurt his only son; I didn't want to witness anyone harming Eren, let alone his own father.

I settled behind a bush that was located in the back of the house that gave me a good view of the living room, nonetheless. There were curtains pulled over the large sliding glass doors, but I could see a figure moving about inside of the house, seemingly talking to themselves. Their hands twitched by their sides and they kept looking around as if they knew I was watching. It was a strange behavior but I ignored it for the time being, even if it was quite nerve-racking.

Another figure entered the room then, this one a bit smaller than the first, though neither payed much attention to the other. They must have been Eren and Grisha, since Mikasa was out with Marco at the moment. Hopefully everything was going okay for him, he could definitely get some valuable information out of Mikasa.

I watched as the boy casually moved, the smaller form settling down at the counter while the larger of the two reclined on the couch. The larger one turned to say something to the other figure, and I watched as the small frame tensed. It nodded stiffly, standing up and walking towards the window.

My stomach sank as I watched Eren draw back the curtain, every cell in my body screaming for me to duck down and hide. But I was frozen in place, like a deer caught in headlights. My limbs refused to move and I was sure that I was going to be seen. Only one thought was running through my hazy mind as these few seconds slowly passed, the world seeming to move in slow motion. 

"Eren will never forgive me," the nervous words repeated themselves in my mind. 

My heart pounded against my chest as his eyes scanned over the outside area of his backyard. I was going to be caught, he would see me and then it would all be over. He'd break up with me again and refuse to talk to me and then I'd never be able to end his abuse. I was going to ruin everything all because I didn't have full control over my own body; how pathetic is that?

His eyes scanned over the trees again, slower this time, before he shrugged and turned around, walking away from the window. I had collapsed at that point, breathing heavily in relief. I hadn't even realized that I had been holding my breath that entire time. Though now the burning of my lungs as I fought to catch my breath made it obviously that I was holding it for quite some time.

I slowly pushed myself back up, carefully getting back into position behind the bushes. I turned on the camera, looks through the lens and zooming in now that I had a better view of the two inside. 

They were talking to each other again but I couldn't tell what either was saying. Eren looked exhausted, like he would fall over at any moment, while Grisha only looked annoyed. His hands angrily waving in the air as he, very obviously, talked down to Eren. My mind wouldn't let me think about that thought. Instead I pressed my finger down, listening to the light clicks of the camera as I took a few pictures of the two interacting.

What I hadn't noticed at first was how close Grisha had been getting to Eren, slowly taking steps towards the small boy. They were only about a foot away at this point and now instead of exhausted, Eren looked down right terrified. He flinched with every harsh word that escaped Grisha, his eyes wide and pleading. All I could do was watch as Grisha rose his arm, his large hand hanging in the air.

Eren was cowering in on himself, visibly shaking underneath the shadow of Grisha's tall form. His eyes were squeezed shut as if he were already anticipating what would come next, like he knew exactly how everything would unravel from this point on. His form trembling in fear as he wrapped his arms around his torso and curled in on himself further, desperately muttering something to his father. 

All I could do was watch as Grisha's arm came swinging down, Eren flinching at the motion. I could only look through the lens at the fuzzy view as Grisha's hand connected with Erens head, a few clicks were heard, my finger moving all on its own. I continued to watch in horror as Eren was sent flying to the side from the force of the hit, colliding with the glass door. I was surprised to see that the glass didn't break, though I was more glad than anything else. 

He had curled into a ball as a way to protect himself from the danger that was making its way closer to him again, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as Grisha approached him. His leg swung back as he yelled something at Eren, his eyes crazed. More clicks were heard, the camera focused on Grisha's warped, evil face. And then even more clicks were heard as his leg came forward again, harshly pushing past Erens folded legs and directly into his stomach.

Eren fell to the side with a silent cry, laying on the ground gasping for air. Grisha only laughed, speaking to him again before leaning down to get closer to Eren. He grabbed a handful of Erens hair, lifting up his head to bring their faces closer together. He smiled wickedly before saying something else and then slamming Erens head into the ground, more clicks echoed around me.

And then I heard footsteps, rushed footsteps. I realized that they were my own, I was running for the front door, branches snapping and leaves crumpling underneath my harsh strides. I had seen enough, taken enough pictures and got enough evidence. I couldn't let Eren endure that any longer; if I did, who knows what would happen then?

The stairs to the porches creaked underneath my feet and I hurriedly made my way to ring the doorbell twice and then bang my fist on the front door. I didn't mean to sound so urgent, but I was and I couldn't hide it as easily as other might have been able to. I was panicking, frantically trying to get someone to answer; I needed to know that Eren was okay.

I heard heavy footsteps from the other side of the door and then the sound of a lock being undone. The doorknob turned and with one final click I was face to face with the man that I just watched beat my boyfriend.

He didn't look like himself anymore, something had changed. His frown was more pronounced and his eyes more sunken in. His hair was tied in greasy strands and his skin was paler than I was used to seeing. There was a wicked glare in his empty eyes and he carried a presence that demanded obedience. It was horrifying, my body was ready to drop to my hands and knees and apologize for bothering him.

But after seeing what he did to Eren, there was enough fury running through my veins that I was able to stand my ground. Even as my entire body shook, I stood straight with a determined stare. He was going to let me in whether he wanted to or not, I wasn't giving him a choice.

"What?" His harsh voice finally asked, the single word cracking through the thick air like a whip.

"I...I-I came to see Eren," I stuttered, so much for all of that fury that was apparently coursing through me. It disappeared the moment he opened his mouth, it was frightening how easily he could do that; gain control of the situation.

"Eren isn't feeling well right now, he needs to rest. He can't afford to miss any more school so he has to get better by Monday," he stated blandly, as if he was already prepared to brush me off like this.

"That's fine," I let a fake smile take over my features, "I won't bother him, I understand if he needs to rest. I'll just do my homework while he lays down," I patted my backpack, the same smile growing even wider. I wasn't going to let him say no.

"You can't come in right now, is what I was trying to get at. Eren needs to rest," he told me, annoyance starting to lace his voice.

"But I'm sure he'd enjoy the company if he's bed ridden," I said cheerfully. 

Grisha studied me for a few more moments and then sighed, "Fine, I'll go get him." I thought I had finally won when he paused in his tracks, looking down at the small box clutched between my two small hands.

"A camera?" He asked suspiciously, "What's that for?" 

My stomach dropped, yet somehow my brain was still working in hyper speed, "It's for a project, I was taking nature picture on my way over here."

He seems that accept that as an appropriate answer and then paused again, looking around the area behind me. "Who are those people you brought with you?"

I looked behind me only to see trees and shrubbery. I turned back at him in confusion and raising a single eyebrow I told him, "I came alone."

He stared, then nodding he closed the door and I listened as he walked away. I sighed in relief, surprised that I was actually able to get myself out of that one. It's because I'm doing this for Eren, I told myself. Whatever just happened was more than just a little strange, but at least he was letting me inside.

I could hear deep mumbles behind the door, but couldn't make out what exactly was being said between the two. After a little while of that, lighter steps began to make their way towards the door and I braced myself for whatever state I'd see Eren in.

The door opened again to reveal a fragile looking Eren, he was still shaking but was obviously trying to maintain his composure in front of me. He was looking down at the ground but I could see the dark bruises that were already blooming on his right temple underneath his hair. My heart lurched at the sight and I had to stop myself from pulling him into my arms. I doubted that he wanted to be touched right now, and I would respect that. 

"I came to see you," I muttered, my nervous voice shaking.

He nodded, stepping aside to let me in. I stepped inside and took my shoes off as he shut the door behind me. Grabbing my bag I faced him again. 

"Your... Dad said you weren't feeling good–" the word 'dad' was strained, I didn't want to call him that. No father would ever even think to lay a hand on their son; he disgusted me, he was a complete disgrace. But I had to keep Eren unsuspicious of me, so for the time being I'd still have to call him that. "– How about we go to you're room so you can lay down?" 

"Yeah, okay," he mumbled, turning away to make his way upstairs. He didn't look back to see if I was following, though I was sure that was only because he didn't want me to see the bruises on his face.

Eren shuffled into his dark room and fell onto the bed. I turned on the lights and shut the door behind me. The only reason I suggested this in the first place was to get away from Grisha. Now all I had to do was get pictures of the bruising and keep Eren protected for as long as I could. 

I set my bag down and placed the camera next to it, making my way over the bed to sit down next to Eren who had his faced buried in the blankets. I reached out hesitantly, debating whether or not it would be okay to touch him. Shrugging off my worries I placed a hand gently on his head. At first he flinched away, but after I ran my fingers through his hair a few times he slowly began to relax against the soft caresses.

This went on for awhile, and I was sure that he had fallen asleep. His breaths became even and he hadn't shifted for quite some time. Realizing that this was the perfect chance to get a picture of his bruises, I carefully removed my hand from his head. I was just about to stand before his muffled voice startled me.

"You heard didn't you?" He asked warily.

I wasn't sure how to respond, do I tell him the truth? Or do I just play stupid and pretend that I didn't know anything. I did way more than just hear what happened, but he didn't need to know that. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell him the full truth either. 

I sighed, weaving my fingers back into his silky hair. "Yeah, I heard." It wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the entire truth either.

His whole body tensed at my words, "Armin please–" it was as if he were desperately begging me "– don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone." He still hadn't looked up from the blankets, which he was now grasping in tight fists.

"Why?" 

"You just can't. Please, just trust me on this. Don't tell anyone," he sounded scared, pleading for his life like a cornered animal.

"I won't tell my anyone," I mumbled, "on one condition." Here was my chance.

He quickly sat up to face me, grabbing my hands in his own. "What is it? I'll do anything I promise!"

"You promise?"

"Yeah," he held his hand up, "I promise."

I smiled at his hand, and raised my own. We slid our palms together then fist bumped and tightly locked our pinkies together. Though I didn't let go like I normally would, even as he tried to pull away. I needed his full attention, I couldn't let him run from this. And he needed the reminder that he just promised me anything.

"Eren..." I started, glancing at the bruises that were peaking out from the fringe of his hair. "Let me take pictures of your bruises."

His eyes grew wide, "You can't-"

I was quick to cut him off, "You promised me anything," I squeezed his pinky as I said this. 

He sighed and I watched his face shift at the internal battle he was currently having. I didn't care if it would make him uncomfortable, I needed to get these pictures. Saving him was my top priority. 

Eren nodded slowly, "okay... I guess that's fine... If you're not telling anyone."

I smiled encouragingly and let go of his pinky. Standing up I grabbed the camera and turned it on. Eren watched patiently from the bed, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt in nervous anticipation. I felt bad seeing him like that, it hurt to see him so torn as of what to do. But I had to get these pictures, this was crucial evidence. We could solve the case with this.

I sat across from him again, reaching up to move his hair out of the way of his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut as I brought the camera up close to snap a picture and then a bit further back so you could see his entire face in the frame. Nobody would be able to tell me that it wasn't his face that these bruises were on. 

Here is where things got more difficult. All I told Eren was that I had heard what happened, not seen. I'd have to trust him to show me the other bruises, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get the pictures I needed.

I leaned back, staring at him intently. "Is that the only one?" 

He opened his eyes, which shifted around the room a few times before landing on me. I could tell that he was trying to figure out of he should tell me the truth or not. I gave him time, not wanting to push him and then have him lie about it. This was too important to mess up by doing something stupid like that. 

"There's more," he mumbled, looking down at his clenched fist.

"Can you show me?" I asked gently, care lacing my quiet voice.

He nodded and lifted up his shirt, revealing dark bruises that littered his stomach, chest, and sides. I gasped at the sight, surprised to see that he had way more than I originally expected. He was covered in them, I didn't doubt that there was more than a few on his back too. I had assumed that he would have more than the ones he just received, but I never thought there would be this many. It hurt to see all of those dark spots, each one crying out its own story, but I couldn't look away. I was entranced by the sight before me, my eyes glued to those horrible greens, yellows, browns, and purples.

I leaned forward to run my finger over a dark green and purple bruise on his chest that was almost directly over his heart, smiling at him sadly. He looked away in embarrassment, a dark red color painting his tan cheeks. It was kind of cute how he could get flustered when he was like this, especially with what was currently happening. It gave me hope that I could give him the normal life that he deserves again.

I pulled back to take a few more pictures and then moved behind him to get pictures of his back too. His back was almost just as bad as the front of him had been, and there was a few lash marks that looked as if they had come from a belt. Swollen red streaks and dark bruises overwhelmed his skin.

After that he, surprisingly, showed me a few more on his legs which I got more pictures of. Then I shut the camera off and put it away satisfied with all of the pictures I had collected. I had gotten even more than I assumed I would, even if it wasn't actually a good thing. It would help us more than I could imagine.

Eren and I sat cuddling on his bed underneath the blankets. His head laid on my chest and an arm was draped over my body. I kept an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer, though I was careful not to press too hard on his warm, sensitive skin.

"Thank you," I said quietly, looking up at the ceiling, "that had to be hard for you."

He lightly ran his fingers up and down my side, watching as his own hand moved, "I promised you that I'd do anything. Plus I trust you, so it's okay."

Those words stung more than they should've. He trusted me not to show anyone but that is exactly what those pictures are for. Maybe he wanted to get out of this situation just as much as I wanted him to, but didn't know how to say it. Maybe he was hoping that I'd betray his trust to save him. Or maybe he was okay living like this and showing people the pictures would actually ruin the relationship that we had built together.

It was a scary thought, knowing that I would lose him after all that we had been through together up to this point. But if it meant getting Eren out of such a toxic situation, saving his life, then it was worth it. Even if he wouldn't still be mine after all of this was over, knowing that I saved him would be good enough for me. I'd do anything for him, even if it meant I'd lose him.

The words left my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was saying. "I really love you, Eren."

My head flew down in a sudden panic, ready to apologize for letting that slip. But I paused when I saw the peaceful smile on his tired face, realizing that it was okay. Maybe that's just what he needed to hear, because he suddenly seemed happy again. I kept my mouth shut; his happiness is all that I ever wanted.

"I really love you too, Armin," he closed his eyes, the sweet smile staying on his face even as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is low quality I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed chapter nineteen nonetheless! Thank you so much for reading and remember that all types of feedback will always be appreciated!!
> 
> Also the next update will most likely be next Saturday (I won't make you wait two weeks again I promise)


	20. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy look it's actually on time (except I'm posting it a bit early because I won't be able to post it tonight. But I didn't break my promise so who cares?)
> 
> And sorry but
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: some violence, slurs, attempted rape, probably more stuff but yeah
> 
> Super sorry, it really isn't too bad but I still had to put the warning there.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoy chapter twenty (holy shit twenty chapters already)

Sleeping next to Eren, or in this case with him draped over me, had always been one of my favorite things. Even as a child I rested better with him next to me, like somehow his presence soothed me into an easier, more fulfilling sleep.

Especially now, with everything that's going on between us, sleeping next to him was one of the best things I could do. So when he dozed off who knows how long ago, I allowed myself to follow. It would be hard to resist with the heat of his body and the steady rhythm of his breathing. I had tried to stay awake for awhile, wanting to be there for him when he woke up, and wanting to see his relaxed face as he slept for just a little longer. But it was no use; I was too comfortable, too happy, to stay awake.

I woke up to a soft buzzing sound that slowly turning into a deep mumbling as I began to regain consciousness. I felt a guilty pang in my chest when I realized that Eren had woken up before me, that I wasn't there to greet him. The mumbling continued, though I kept my eyes shut listening to the voice that sounded eerily deep. Eren didn't normally sound like that; was he sick?

I tried to shift, ready to sit up, but I was stopped by a weight that was still on top of me. My eyes fluttered open to see Eren laying across me, deep asleep, and I couldn't help but smile. He was so beautiful like this, so at peace. 

The muttering continued but I could only stare at his sleeping form with confusion. Was he talking in his sleep? But his lips weren't moving. Did that mean...

My head shot up, eyes wide open. I was met with the view of Grisha's hunched form leaning over something, a soft glow lighting up his facial features. His brows were furrowed, angry eyes focused on whatever he was staring down at. He was talking to himself, the frown of his mouth accenting the creases and wrinkles carved into his face. Whatever he was looking at had him pissed, I was almost too afraid to say anything.

Though that changed when my eyes traveled down to see what had him so angry. I saw a small, shiny box in his hands, the glow of its bright screen hurt my eyes at first. When they adjusted, and I finally realized what he was holding, my stomach dropped.

I shot up into a sitting position, Erens body falling down next to me, startling him awake. But I didn't have the time to make sure he was okay, that I didn't scare him. I didn't have time to apologize or greet him now that he was finally awake. The first thing he saw wasn't my gentle gaze; it was my horrified stare at his father, who was currently flaming.

My voice came before I even realized I was speaking, words hanging heavy in the air, "What are you looking at?"

Grisha's eyes drifted up to fix me with a glare that was now even angrier than it had previously been. I felt a shiver run through me at the feel of his eyes boring into me, this wasn't good.

"You," he said in a menacing voice as he got to his feet, pointing a shaky finger at me. "Who the fuck do you think you are taking pictures like these?"

"Pic-pictures...?" I asked, my voice quiet and weak. I prayed to whoever was there to listen that he wasn't talking about the pictures that I thought he was.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," he began to walk closer. And I knew, and knowing only served to make me even more afraid. So terrified that I was frozen in fear, my veins and limbs had iced over. 

"What's going on?" Eren asked, rubbing his eyes, his voice still thick with sleep. His hair was sticking up in every direction and his shirt had fallen off one of his shoulders. The blankets pooled around him and one side of his face was still a light shade of red from laying on me. I would've let myself enjoy this view if I wasn't currently so stiff and panic-stricken.

"Did you know about this?" Grisha's voice rose when he addressed Eren, showing him the screen. It was a picture of his back, the bruises and swollen lines contrasting his tan skin. 

Eren was quiet as he stared at the picture, unable to explain himself. Grisha continued anyways, not caring wether or not Eren had answer, "Did you put him up to this? Is that why there's other pictures of us?" 

"Other... There's other pictures?" Eren ask in confusion.

"Oh, so you haven't seen them all yet?" Grisha said with a wicked grin, holding the camera out towards Eren who could only stare at him. "Go on, take a look."

Eren slowly reached out to grab the camera, and all I could do was watch and shake my head as he began to scroll through the pictures. He looked at each one, and as he got closer and closer to the ones that I took from outside, I could feel the nervousness rise in me.

"Eren don't! Please!" I frantically spoke up, needing to stop this before everything was ruined. Well ruined further than it already was that is. 

"Why?" Eren asked, his voice monotone, "Is there something you're hiding from me?" His eyes had gone dull and the only thing I could see in them was my pale reflection.

"N-No! Please Eren, I'm begging you, just give me the camera," I pleaded with him, trying to grab the camera but he pulled away.

"It sure sounds like there's something that you don't want him to see," Grisha intervened smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Eren looked between the two of us and sighed, "I'm sorry Armin."

I shook my head, trying to convince myself that this wasn't real, that I was still dreaming. That this was all just a nightmare and I'd wake up at any moment to find Eren still asleep on my chest. I'd laugh at myself for believing that such a stupid dream was real, and everything would still be okay. 

But the tears prickling my eyes felt all too real. The pang in my heart when I saw the hurt feeling of betrayal on Erens face; it was real. The sting across my cheek, that I slowly realized was Eren's hand slapping me; that definitely wasn't fake. It all felt too damn real to be a dream. 

"Armin? What the hell?" Eren asked, his voice breaking on the last word as tears began to fall down his cheeks. "Why would you do this? Why would you try to keep something like this from me?" 

"I-I don't... I didn't..." My brain was no longer working, the only thing it would register was the regret and the guilt that had begun to rot inside of it. I couldn't think, couldn't speak; only stare in hopeless desperation, my eyes begging for him to be understanding.

"You didn't what? Didn't mean for me to see this?" He asked with disgust, dropping the camera onto the bed. Disgust that was aimed at me, not the man standing next to him who was abusing him. Disgust towards his boyfriend who was just trying to save him; that had hurt more than anything.

"I just wanted to help," I muttered, "I don't like seeing you hurt. You haven't been yourself lately and I just wanted you back. When I found out what was happening to you, I wanted to save you."

"What happens to Eren is none of your buissness," Grisha said through his teeth before Eren was able to respond. He was seething and I knew that what I said was a mistake, a huge one.

This mistake was just all the more clear when I was suddenly being yanked off the bed and thrown to the floor by the front of my shirt. I yelped as my body collided with the floor, the wind knocked out of me when my chest slammed into the hard ground. I gasped for my breath, struggling to find it as a fire was lit inside of my lungs. I tried taking a deep breath, but my tight chest refused to respond.

It took a few moments for me to finally be able to breath again, my chest heaving with the sweet feeling of cool air filling my lungs again. Though, I wasn't given much time to pull myself together before there was a weight on top of my back and strong hands pinning my arms, forcing me to stay down.

Grisha's voice was close to my ear when he spoke, "You shouldn't be messing with other people's business. You disgust me, nosy brat. You're a worthless piece of scum and you never deserved to be here. You piece of shit, not even you're own parents wanted you so they abandoned your sorry ass."

"Dad stop!" Eren called, jumping off the bed and throwing himself onto Grisha.

Grisha was faster though, and much stronger than both of us. One of Grisha's arms flew up into Erens stomach and shoved Eren off of him, sending him flying backwards into the wall, slumping against it. Eren curled in on himself, groaning as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen.

"Don't you fucking dare Eren. You stay out of this. If you don't then you'll be sorry." He threatened, bringing his arm back down to hold my arm again.

"Please..." Eren whispered, but it had no affect on Grisha, who's attention was back on me. Eren tried to stand again, but fell to the floor with a heavy thud, twitching, arms wrapped around himself as he clenched his jaw in pain.

"It's time to teach you a lesson," Grisha said, his voice dark as a cold, calloused hand slid under my shirt, the other still holding my wrist together. My entire body stiffened as he ran his hand up my back and then dragged it back down, sharp nails biting into my skin.

I squirmed underneath him, whimpering as I struggled to get away. "Stop!" I called helplessly, but he didn't listen. He only pressed harder into my skin before letting go and roughing grabbing my hip.

"What's the matter? Did that hurt? I thought you liked hurting yourself!" He laughed, the sound echoing through the room against my cries as he dug the fingers of his other hand into my wrist. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he spoke slowly, "You don't mind if I touch you right?" 

My eyes widened as I felt his hand move lower, grabbing the hem on my pants. "Stop! Get off of me! Don't touch me!" I screamed in desperation, struggling to pull my arms free of his grasp. But he wouldn't budge, only holding on harder as he started to pull my pants down over my hips.

"I thought you liked this type of thing, I thought you were a thirsty slut. Am I wrong? Do you not like cock? I know you do, you fucking fag," he whispered against my ear with another dark laugh. "Well I'm just giving you exactly what you wanted," he said as he sat up and lifted himself off of me to pull my pants fully off.

I screamed again, hot tears falling down my cheeks, shaking my head. "Don't do this," my weak voice pleaded with him when he sat again.

He ran his hand up and down my thighs, chuckling darkly, "Don't pretend like you don't want this," he leaned forward to speak into my ear, "Just be honest with yourself."

Finally, at those simple words of his, my body took over. My head flew back to slam into Grisha's, my last resort to escape him. He cursed under his breath, holding his head. But I didn't give him any time to recover, throwing my elbow back and slamming it into his stomach. He fell backwards with a yelp and I took that as my chance to get away. 

I pulled my pants back on and quickly crawled over to Eren, wrapping my arms around him, trying to get him back onto his feet. He stumbling to the side, struggling to regain his balance. "Are you okay?" I asked, lightly grabbing his chin to inspect his face.

"I'm fine, are you okay? He threw you really hard," Eren commented, placing his hand on my own.

"I'm okay."

Just then there was a low growl from behind me and I was brought back to reality, "I'll fucking kill you."

I whipped around to see Grisha standing directly in front of me. I looked into his crazed eyes, which was my first mistake. And then I hesitated to run, looking back to see if Eren was going to follow. Eren nodded, and just as I began to dart a hand wrapped itself around my upper arm, yanking me back.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?! I'll fucking kill you, you disgusting fag!" Grisha screamed at me, spit flying onto my face. I flinched away, trying to pull my arm from his grasp. "Oh no you don't!" 

A hand swung towards my head and before I knew it I was back on the ground, my vision blurry. What just happened? Did he just punch me? I felt another hit to the side of my head and then my stomach and then my back as I folded in on myself. I wrapped myself into a small ball, the only way I had to protect myself as the hits continued to rain down on me.

"I'll fucking kill you, you hear me?! You're dead!" Grisha screamed as he continued kicking me. 

My vision was beginning to go black, my body numb. The only thing I could hear was Erens terrified scream of my name. The only thing I could make out was a small form throwing itself into Grisha before the hits stopped and all I could feel was the harsh ache of my entire body. I tried to sit up, the room spinning around me. 

"I told you to stay out of this Eren! But you didn't listen, this has to be done," Grisha's voice echoed through my head as I tried to regain my sight in the dark room.

As my eyes focused, I saw Grisha holding Eren against the wall, his hands wrapped around Erens throat. I tried to get back to my feet, but I had to pause, struggling to keep myself from puking. I stumbled towards the two, needing to get Grisha off of Eren before he actually did kill him. 

I threw myself onto Grisha's back, wrapping my arms and legs around him. I scratched at his face, ripping off his glasses, pushing my fingers into his eyes, anything to get him off of Eren. He screamed in pain, grabbing my arms to pull me off of him. 

I fell to the floor in a heap, too weak to get back to my feet. I looked around for something, anything that could help me. I spotted my backpack a few feet away and began to drag myself towards it. That's right! My phone! If I could make it to my bag I could call the police!

I reached into my bag, pulling out my phone, shaking as I tried to type in the number. I kept pressing the wrong numbers, unable to steady my fingers enough to hit the correct ones. I was one number away when I heard steps behind me. Suddenly my phone was yanked from my hands. 

"911?" Grisha asked, "I don't think so," he threw my phone onto the ground and I cried out as I tried to grab it. But I missed and the phone hit the ground, smashing it into numerous small pieces. "Now where was I? Ah, that's right. Trying to kill the fag who ruined my son. It's you're fault he turned into a fucking fag, you'll pay for this!"

He crouched down and grabbed my head, pulling me up by my hair, bending my neck back at an awkward angle. "Please stop..." I whimpered when my eyes met his. 

Just then I saw movement behind him; Eren. He was trying to get to something, was he trying to escape? I could still save him! I just needed to distract Grisha while Eren got away. Whatever I could do to assure that Eren was safe, I'd do it; even if I was going to die. For Eren, it was worth it.

"What's that? I didn't hear you, you have to speak up," Grisha smiled a wicked grin; he had obviously heard what I had said. I'd play along, it was a good enough distraction.

"Please!" I yelled, squeezing my eyes shut. 

"What's this? Now you're begging for me? I didn't know you were that much of a whore!" 

"Th-that's not what I meant!" 

"Are you sure? Because that exactly what it sounded like to me. It's okay to admit tha-"

He was cut off by a smashing sound. When glass began to fall around me, followed my his body, I realized that something had fallen on him. I slowly turned back to see Eren, breath heaving, a lampshade still held in his hands. 

"E-Eren?" I asked weakly. 

He dropped the lampshade, pulling me into his arms instead. "Are you okay Armin?" 

"I'm fine..."

"I'm so sorry," he buried his face in my shoulder, "I never meant for you to get involved in this."

"I got myself involved," I told him, running my hand up and down his back.

"I'm still sorry," he stood, pulling me to my feet, "I think you should go home before he wakes up again."

I looked down at Grisha's unconscious body, limp on the floor, blood dripping down his forehead. Looking back up at Eren I asked, "What about you?"

"I need to stay here," Eren shrugged.

"You can't! It's too dangerous!" I shouted.

"If I try to run away it'll just get worse, trust me," he tried to reason with me. "Come on, let's get your stuff together."

He grabbed my camera and put it into my bag, then handed me a sweatshirt. I grabbed it, thanking him before I put it on. He walked me to the front door, pausing there to see me off.

"Are you sure you can't leave?" I asked, my voice laced with worry.

"I'm sure, plus Mikasa will be home soon. I can't let him do anything to her."

So he had been protecting her this whole time? That's why he was putting up with all of this? For her sake? I knew she meant the world to him, but I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell the police. Had Grisha threatened him somehow? What had he said to stop Eren from trying to get help? 

I sighed, turning to walk away. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, my reflexes working quick as I flinched away from the hand. After what I just went through, any type of contact was sure to make me a bit jumpy. So this is how Eren felt everyday? I couldn't even begin to imagine living like this, which meant that I'd try that much harder to help Eren now. I looked behind me, but it was still Eren, worry in his eyes. 

"Armin..." He said sadly, his sentence drifting off, swallowed by the thick silence. 

"I'm fine."

He nodded, though I could see that he was still doubting me. "Um... Here!" He reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. When I didn't make any moves to take it he grabbed my hand and placed the phone in my palm, wrapping my fingers around it before retracting his hand. I looked down at the phone in confusion.

"I can't take this..."

"Yes you can, I'll text you from Mikasa's phone tonight okay? So keep that on you," he smiled, though I didn't miss the way that he winced. My eyes fell to his neck, dark bruises wrapping around it, and I nodded. I'd do it for Eren, I'd keep it on me if it meant that I could make sure he was okay. 

"Okay," I turned away again, "Stay safe Eren," I told him before I began to walk away. 

He didn't respond but I could feel his eyes on my back, he watched me until I was out of view. Even then I wasn't sure if he moved from his spot outside of the house. I wouldn't want to go back in there either, I wasn't sure why he wouldn't just come with me, other than Mikasa. But couldn't he just tell her to come to my house instead of their own, I'm sure she'd listen. 

I continued to question this all the way home, walking in the dark with only the light from the stars and the occasional street lamp to guide me. Why? Why would he put up with that? It would be so easy for him to get himself help, so why would he continue to suffer? I could only assume that Grisha did or said something that was stopping him. But what could he have said that was so bad that it could keep Eren quiet? 

Maybe Eren thought he deserved this, but I couldn't understand that either. None of this made any sense and it was so frustrating. I just wanted to get him out of the situation, but I didn't know how. Even with this evidence, would the police help? Grisha was a powerful man and I was afraid that he was so powerful that the police couldn't do anything. Even if that didn't make any sense it was the only excuse as to why they haven't helped us. 

I sat on my bed, looking through the pictures on the camera. There was no doubt that this was Erens and Grisha, but would the police care?

These pictures, this camera. The only reason that Grisha had found out about what I've been doing, the only reason that Eren found out. Was Eren mad? Was he upset that I was tiring to help him?

He gave me his phone, so he couldn't be that mad at me. He even gave the camera back when he could've kept it, he could've gotten rid of these pictures. Did that mean that he wanted me to help? How was I supposed to know what he wanted me to do? I didn't want to make things worse between us, but I also didn't want him getting hurt again. So even if he didn't want me using these pictures as evidence, I'd still have to. This was for him, and Mikasa. 

It was awhile before I heard from him again, at one point I even considered calling. But I knew that even if the phone was answered, I'd probably only get Mikasa. We had told Marco to try to keep her with him for as long as he could so it wasn't very far fetched to think that they were still together. 

It was around nine when I finally got a text.

 **[Sister -9:12pm]**  
Hey Armin it's Eren are u still awake

 **[Me -9:12pm]**  
Yeah, are you guys okay?

 **[Sister -9:12pm]**  
We're fine don't worry about us

 **[Me -9:13pm]**  
You can't stop me from worrying, Eren. Especially after what happened today.

 **[Sister -9:14pm]**  
Ok ok but Im telling u theres nothing to worry about

 **[Me -9:14pm]**  
By the way, did you tell Mikasa what happened?

 **[Sister -9:14pm]**  
I gave her the short version yeah

 **[Me -9:15pm]**  
How'd she react?

 **[Sister -9:16pm]**  
Like she normally does she was pissed and then she made me sit so she could look over me to make sure I was okay

**[Sister -9:16pm]**  
Then she made me text you to make sure that you were okay 

**[Me -9:17pm]**  
You can tell her I'm fine. I really didn't get that hurt 

In reality, I did get hurt. My entire body ached, my stomach was in knots and I knew I'd probably be throwing up tonight. My head was pounding and every inch of my skin felt as if it were on fire. Even after taking medicine I was still in agony, but Eren didn't need to know that. I didn't need him worrying and I really didn't want him to feel bad or blame himself. It wasn't his fault but I know that he'd still try to shoulder all of the blame if he knew. 

**[Sister -9:19pm]**  
I told her she says she's glad youre okay and that she's still gonna look over you tomorrow 

**[Me- 9:19pm]**  
That's fine 

**[Sister - 9:20pm]**  
Hey Armin? 

**[Me -9:21pm]**  
Yeah? 

There was a long pause, a long enough one that I had to text him again. He might have fallen asleep, it has been quite a long day. I didn't want to wake him because he needed his rest but I also didn't want to be left hanging like that. Whatever he has to say would be plaguing my thoughts until I knew. 

**[Me -9:32pm]**  
Eren? Are you still there? 

**[Sister -9:33pm]**  
Those pictures. Use them. 

Use the pictures? Did he mean that he wanted me to show them to someone? Was he giving me his permission? I had to make sure. I quickly clicked Mikasa's contact and pressed the call button, holding the phone to my ear as I waited for him to pick up. 

There was a click and then, "Armin?" 

"What do you mean use the pictures? Do you mean show them to someone?" 

There was silence for a long time. I waited, letting Eren gathered his confidence; this had to be hard for him. 

"Yeah, show someone. Get help. I'm tired of living like this, I'm tired of getting hurt. I want to get out of this but I can't on my own, I'm so tired of all of this." 

I smiled, "I will Eren, I'm going to save you." 

"Thank you," he whispered. 

"Eren, are you willing to do anything to stop him?" I asked wearily, I wasn't sure if I should bring this up or not. 

"Yes, of course. What do you need me to do?" 

I sighed, "Well... At school... I have a team of people who have been trying to help you, but we haven't been able to get enough evidence. If you were to tell them everything, to confess then I think with everything else that we've found we could bring it to court." 

The silence was thick, the only sound was my heart pounding in my chest. 

"Yeah, I'll tell them everything." 

"Then go to Levi's room after school on Monday, they'll all be there." 

"Then I'll be there." 

"Okay, goodnight Eren." 

"Good night Armin... Thank you, for doing all of this. It really means a lot you know?" 

"I know, Eren. Sleep well and stay safe," with that, I ended the call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too bad right?? Hopefully..
> 
> I hope you enjoyed chapter twenty anyways. All types of feedback always are greatly appreciated, thank you for reading!


	21. Broken Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh maaan its been awhile since I last updated. I'm honestly super sorry about that but life has just been so crazy lately that I haven't had time to write. I'm hoping to update again soon but who knows.
> 
> Anyways thank you for waiting so patiently please enjoy chapter twenty one (now that I finally finished it and I'm sorry if it's crap and/or there's a lot of mistakes)

Monday couldn't come fast enough. It was as if time had begun to move slower, purposely trying to torture me as I anxiously waited for Monday to arrive. The weekend crawled on as if it had all the time in the world; for once it just couldn't go by fast enough. It was agonizing to say the least; with nothing to do other than think and wait. I wasn't sure if I would make it, needing something other than Monday to think about even if that's all I had. Though when I wasn't thinking about Monday then I was thinking about Eren and I wasn't sure which was worse.

But eventually the time had come for Eren to finally confess the truth of what really had been going on this entire time. I was sure that our assumptions were pretty close to the truth anyways by now, but we needed to hear that from Eren. He was the confirmation that we needed to put an end to all of this.

Earlier in the day, during third period, Levi had noticed the dark bruise blooming vibrantly against the pale skin of my face. He was obviously worried, and with good reason, but I brushed him off. He'd hear about it after school anyways; there was no point in telling him twice. Not only that but my brain was buzzing with a million thoughts all at once and I wasn't really up for explaining myself at the time. I could barely hold a conversation for a few moments before becoming lost in my own mind once again. 

Eren hadn't even shown up yet by then, though he had texted me that morning telling me that Mikasa and him wouldn't be coming to school until lunch. It was a bit strange but I didn't question him because I trusted him, it was as simple as that. He went through the effort of actually telling me he wouldn't be there so there was no reason for me to be suspicious of him.

After school it was awhile before Eren actually showed up, though none of us really minded. I had informed everyone of what would be happening today when I walked in. Everyone was in a sudden frenzy trying to prepare for Erens arrival. They were organizing the room, pulling out stuff to take notes with, getting voice recorders and cameras ready. Everybody wanted to be prepared to gather as much information and evidence as they could, I didn't blame them of corse; this was the moment we had all been waiting for.

While all of that started happening I had shown Erwin the pictures I had taken with the camera that he had given me. Of course, in the midst of the tornado that Levis classroom had become, Erwin went around showing everyone else the pictures. Levi took the camera afterwards to download the pictures onto his private laptop. They were all supposed to see the pictures I got, I assumed that they didn't expect me to get anything more than a few blurry shots.

Marco was bouncing between people around the room, helping whoever and wherever he could. Apparently he wasn't able to get much out of Mikasa but it's not like that mattered very much anymore. Erens confession should be enough so none of us were very worried. He had worked hard, we all knew it, but Mikasa wasn't very willing to give up information. We understood that too, she had always been like that to just about everyone; even to Eren at times. 

When the door slowly creeped open everyone froze in their place, all eyes glued to be mop of brown hair that had entered the room. Eren was breathing heavily, as if he had been running to get here. His face was flushed, clothes disheveled, and tangled hair wind blown. He smiled shyly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly under the gaze of everyone in the room. 

I was the first to speak, trying to calm his nerves the best that I could, "Hey Eren, thanks for coming." I walked over, smiling warmly as I grabbed his hand, rubbing my thumb in soothing circles.

"Hey Armin," he greeted quietly, pulling me against his chest and wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace, "I said I would didn't I?"

"Yeah but this has to be hard for you. Come on, let's sit down," I tapped his chest with my hands and though he was reluctant to let go, eventually his arms fell away with a heavy sight.

I gave him an encouraging smile and guided him to the table, pulling out a chair for him and then sitting down to his right. Everyone else quickly took their seats at the table, all eyes darting around expectantly. There was a nervous yet excited buzz in the air and I knew Eren was probably beginning to feel pressured by all of this.

Levi, who was at the end of the table, cleared his throat, lacing his hands together. "Well I'll introduce everyone before we get started. You already know me, that's Hanji from the science department, Mike from the psychology department, Erwin from the government and law department, and Gunter from the technology department," he pointed at each person respectively as he spoke.

Eren nodded, "It's nice to meet you all. I'm Eren Jaeger... Though I'm sure you already know that..." He trailed off, glancing over at Marco who was sitting across from him smiling happily.

After everyone greeted him Levi continued, his voice almost echoing in the quiet room, "Eren, I'm sure you know why you're here today and you probably already know what we have been doing here. But I want you to know that we are all here for you and are ready to support any decision you make. We just want you to tell us the truth so that we will be able to help you in any way possible. Everyone here cares greatly about you and your safety; the same can be said for your sister. So whenever you're ready, you can talk to us, we are all ready to listen. And remember that no detail is too small or insignificant, you can tell us anything."

Eren nodded, taking a few moments to compose his thoughts. Finally he took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. "A lot has happened these past few months so I'll try to explain it all to the best of my abilities, I'm sorry if I miss a couple of details."

He paused for a moment too look around and make sure that everyone was ready and then began to explain everything, "Personally, I believe it all began a short time before my mothers...death. If you were to ask Mikasa, I'm sure she would disagree. I had been telling her for awhile that something was wrong with our father but she continued to brush me off, telling me that it was all in my head. Eventually I caved and begun to think that I was just imagining it. 

Then, a few weeks later my mother got into the accident and later passed away. This was obviously a hard time for all of us. That was Mikasa's and my mother, and my fathers wife. We all loved her very much and it was an extremely difficult loss for the whole family. He was acing strange then too but I had originally thought that it was just his way of grieving.

At first, after her death, we barely ever saw him. He was in his room almost all day long, only every leaving it for work, to shower, and to eat. Other than that we never actually saw him. That went on for about two weeks I think, which was about the same amount of time we had taken off from school. We were both sure that he would continue like that only to slowly ease back to his normal self but that isn't what happened.

As soon as we began to attend school again he completely changed. It was as if he had turned into a whole knew person over night; it was really scary for both Mikasa and I now that I think about it again. It was hard to sleep knowing that we were living with a stranger. We came home to an entirely new father and had no clue how to react to him. I think that was when he finally snapped; all of the pressure had gotten to him by then. 

When he first changed he wasn't exactly violent, if you will; he was just acting strange, stranger than previously. He was apparently hearing voices, saying that they were controlling him and telling him to do things that he didn't want to do. And he was seeing things, mostly people from what I gathered. He said they were out to get him, that they were suspicious of him so he had to hide. He kept all of the curtains closed and the windows and doors shut and locked. 

Again, we just thought that this was his next stage of grieving at first, so we put up with it. We tried explaining that there was no people after him but he wouldn't listen. When we tried to ask him what the voices were telling him he just kept saying that he couldn't do it. He would tell us that he already lost someone, and that they can't make him do it.

This was confusing to us for awhile and then one night about a week before Christmas vacation. I had woken up in the middle of the night to a loud sound that had turned out to be my door being swung wide open. I saw my father standing at the end of the bed with a knife in his hand saying that the voices said I had to die. Apparently those voices were telling him to kill Mikasa and I."

Eren paused there, wide eyes staring down at his hand that we're balled into tight fist on the table, his knuckles turning white. He swallowed with an audible gulp, talking in a long shaky breath and loudly exhaling before he forced himself to continue,

"I was able to calm him down enough and take the knife away so thankfully no one ended up getting hurt during that particular incident. After I got him back into his room and in bed I locked both Mikasa and my door just in case. Even if he had calmed down at that point, I didn't trust him not to try anything again. I was worried for our safety but didn't know what to do. I had no clue what was going on.

When I told Mikasa the next day she said that it was probably just a dream, but I knew that it wasn't. Our doors were still locked and the knife my father had been holding was still in my room. I think Mikasa had gone into a horrible state of denial after our Mother died so she never really believed anything that I told her. 

The next afternoon though, my father finally exploded. He screamed at me, telling me that it was all my fault that my mother died. There was no way for me to calm him down and he beat me until I couldn't move. When Mikasa stepped in he tried beating her too but I somehow fought him off; it was the adrenaline I guess. She escaped and I was left to deal with him, a seconding beating so that he would hit Mikasa. I didn't mind though, as long as he didn't hurt her.

This went on for quite awhile. Our father would randomly lash out and I'd do everything in my power to protect Mikasa from him. I couldn't let him hurt her, so I allowed him to take it all out on me. When he'd get tired of beating me, he'd go to his room. Mikasa would eventually come out and tend to my wounds and bring me to my bed. We just kind of accepted that it's how things would be from now own, sounds pretty damn lame right?"

He let out a dry laugh, running his fingers through his silky hair as he shook his head. Eren's eyes looked so dead, so tired of all of this. It was that reason that I was praying that this would all be over soon. I missed the light happiness that used to reside in his eyes, that beautiful, warm glow that would leave me entranced with wonder.

Eren spoke again, this time much softer than before, "But by the time Christmas break ended I was so tired of it. I was tired of being in constant pain, of having to protect Mikasa and worry that at some point I might not be there to save her. I was tired of getting daily beatings and I was so emotionally dead by then, I just kind of stopped caring. I didn't see the point of living, so I only lived to protect Mikasa.

But one night I wasn't there in time, which was one of my worst fears. He had snapped, and he took it out on her. That was my breaking point; I flipped out on him, telling him that I was going to turn him into the police. I was ready to save us then, I really was. 

He of course had other plans. He beat me next, telling me that if I even dared to say one word to anyone then he would kill Armin too. So I had to keep my mouth shut, I couldn't let anything happen to Armin. I thought the 'too' part was a bit suspicious, but never questioned it. I didn't feel safe asking what he meant, to him it was probably none of my business. But I had my suspicions and I really do believe that he got my mother killed on purpose. I don't want to make anyone else feel compelled to believe that because it's probably not true.

After he had said that I decided that I'd try my hardest to hide it, I couldn't let anyone find out. I didn't want to be responsible for Armin's death too; I knew my father would blame me. He told me almost every single day that the reason my mother died is because of me. I never understood when he said this, I didn't see how I could be blamed but I let myself believe it.

I let him make me believe that I was the reason that she died and those thoughts haunted me every single night. I couldn't sleep without seeing her face, imagining the crash and her body in the car. I was always there when it happened and at the end of the dream she'd always tell me that it was my fault. I couldn't let the same thing happen with Armin.

I don't think I'd even be able to handle loosing Armin; he's helped me so much through all of is. He's been here for me my entire life, I don't know if I'd be able to live on after loosing him too. The thought of living without him terrified me more than anything my father could ever do to me. So I kept quiet, trying my best to seem normal even though it was so damn hard because things aren't normal.

But Armin, of course he was able to see completely through me. He's known me for so long, there's no way I'd be able to hide something like this from him. In the back of my mind I realized that he would find out eventually, but I tried my best to keep those thoughts repressed because they scared me, terrified me. I didn't want him getting involved and I knew that if he found out then he'd do anything he could to help me, that's just the kind of person he is. I was grateful for that of course, but I was too scared of loosing him.

When he started getting suspicious of the bruises and the way I was acting I knew that he was going to figure out what was happening soon. He's smarter than me, he can figure stuff like this out with no problem. So I decided that the only way I could stop that from happening was by distancing myself from him. It hurt, I didn't want to ignore him or act so cold towards him but I had to. 

The entire time I missed hanging out with him, like we always used to. I missed our conversations and just having his presence there. I got greedy one day and when he asked for me to come over I agreed, knowing that he'd probably try to question me. When he did, I wouldn't tell him anything, I said I'd tell him later.

I figured by then that he was already doing something to stop what was happening to me so there's was no point in denying it. But that didn't mean that I could have told him the truth either. As much as I wanted to then, as much as I've wanted to spill everything to him this entire time, I couldn't. I was bound by my fathers threat, it was a constant weight on my shoulders that I tried so hard to hide.

But that night that Armin showed up at our house I had a bad feeling, and with good reason. When he asked to take pictures of my wounds I agreed, hoping that maybe he'd be able to sneak around behind my fathers back and solve anything without my father ever realizing what he was doing. That was probably a bad move, but at the same time it's what's brought me here.

When my father found all of the pictures he freaked out on us, he threatened to kill Armin right there and I was so afraid. He hurt Armin so damn much and I couldn't handle it, so I let my body take over and I knocked him out. We were able to fight back then and Armin thankfully escaped. I gave him my phone so we could talk since my father destroyed Armin's and I wanted to be able to keep in contact with him because I was just as worried about him as he was about me. We set this while thing up for today and everything seemed good.

I talked to Mikasa about this, I wanted her to come too. She tried convincing me not to, that it would be a really bad idea but I knew I had to do this. Eventually I was able to convince her to let at least me do this, even if I was alone.

That night I found my father in my room and of course he beat me again. He was pissed about the pictures but he had gotten drunk and wasn't too hard to fight off. I got him back to his room and he was gone by the time we left for school this afternoon. That's just about everything summed up I guess, so here we are now," he shrugged, ending awkwardly. 

He anxiously glanced around at everyone's reactions, though most people were still busy jotting down some final notes. I grabbed his hand, squeezing it to comfort him, admiring his strength for being able to do this.

I still questioned everyday as to how I had earned the blessing of being Eren's boyfriend. This beautiful, outgoing, wonderful person chose me and even now after all of this time I couldn't figure out why. He was the sun and I was just a shadow, the brighter he grew the darker I became. He gave me the strength to keep going and I'd never stop being grateful for that.

He smiled at me, thanking me with his soft eyes. This had to be hard on him; confessing all of this to a room full of strangers. He had a hard time telling me and now he had exposed himself completely. I couldn't have done it, but I was a coward. Eren was different; he had the will to do it.

Slowly everyone finished up what they were working on, each one taking in the tan boy sitting next to me. He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat under their gazes but didn't comment on it. He probably knew that this would end up happening anyways. When everyone was attentive Levi cleared his throat to address us.

"Thank you, Eren, for telling us all of that. It will be very useful in solving this case and getting that nasty mans ass thrown in the jail cell that he belongs in..." He paused, clenching his teeth as he composed himself. "Nonetheless, we are all grateful that you did this, we know it wasn't easy. Now, Eren if you don't mind, if anyone has any questions, comments, or concerns now's the time to speak."

Everyone nodded and Mike was the first to speak up, eagerly grabbing Erens attention before anyone else could. "Hello Eren, I'm Mike as Levi has already told you. You said that your father was hearing voices and seeing people, can you describe that and any other weird behavior that you might have noticed in more detail?"

"Yeah um..." Eren paused, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought about it. "He would murmur a lot of nonsense to himself, and when I asked Mikasa she said she couldn't understand what he was saying either. If we tried to ask him about it he would get angry so we never really tried. He had become a lot more emotionless after my mother's death and we assumed that would go away but it never did. It was like speaking to a statue that would flip out if you said the wrong thing. He seemed apathetic towards just about anything yet he was always mad at the two of us for some unknown reason.

Everything eventually became the 'wrong thing' to him; some days he'd get angry no matter what we said. He'd tell us that we needed discipline and apparently hurting me was the only way. He told me that if he didn't discipline me then they would kill me, he said it was for my safety. 

Though sometimes only an hour later he'd go back to throwing insults; telling me that I'm worthless and I should just die or that everything bad that had happened is my fault. He always liked to tell me how I ruined his life the day that I was born. My father became a completely different man and it hurt to see him like that."

Mike hummed, "I'm sure it did. You see, the symptoms that he was displaying are the same as what we tend to see in many patients who have–"

He was cut off by a loud ringing that echoed throughout the room. Eren frowned as he reached into his pocket to pull out Mikasa's phone. He looks down at the screen, the crease between his brows growing as he saw who was calling.

Eren answers the call, putting the phone to his ear. All eyes were glued to him as he spoke into the receiver, "Hello? Dad?"

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, sounding confused. "Mikasa? Why are you calling me from Dads phone? How did you even get it? Is the home phone not working? What's going on over there?" Questions flew out of him without waiting for any answers, the nervousness clear in his shaky voice.

Suddenly his eyes grew wide and his shot up, his chair screeching against the tile flooring. "What do you mean?! Are you anywhere near him right now?... Okay, yeah... Really?"

Without a word Eren frantically grabbed his bag from the floor and began walking towards the door, "Stay there Mikasa okay? Don't go anywhere near him, I'm on my way right now."

Those were the last words we heard as he exited the classroom, leaving us in a confused silence.

"What was that all about?!" Hanji's sudden shriek made us flinch, the sharp sound causing all of us to cover out ears at the sudden loud sound.

"I'm not really sure," I muttered, still staring out the door as if it would help me figure out what had just happened. 

There was obviously something wrong, but Eren hadn't said enough for any of us to be able to figure out exactly what that something was. What was worse was the fact that it involved Mikasa, I couldn't help but notice the way my heart began to nervously pound in my chest when he had said her name. Was she in danger? Is that why he ran out without telling us anything?

I quickly stood up, my chair also scraping against the tiled floor and causing everyone to turn towards me. "I need to find out what wrong," I said as I began to walk away, throwing my backpack over my shoulder.

"Wait!" Levi's demanding voice stopped me in my tracks, my body going frozen at his one simple command. "At least let Mike finish his inquiry first, then you're free to go but keep us updated."

"Got it," I mumbled as I awkwardly stood at the end of the table, shifts from foot to foot as I waited for Mike to speak again.

"Well," Mike cleared his throat, "These symptoms that Eren has described are typically seen in patients that have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Of course, this is going to sound really strange to all of us because we know that Grisha doesn't have schizophrenia. Though what researchers have found is that tragic events, such as losing a loved one let's say, can trigger schizophrenia in a person. There is even a chance for him to get better, but for now it's still dangerous to keep him around those children."

"That's brilliant! Mike you're a genius!" Hanji leaned over the table to pull his head into a crushing hug against her chest as she praised him, "How come I didn't think of that?"

"Maybe because you have shit for brains," Levi muttered, watching as Mike struggled to get away from Hanji's death grip, his hands grabbing her strong arms and yanking. It was no use though, he was trapped in the woman's suffocating hug.

Levi shook his head, turning to address me, "There you have it blondie, go find Eren. Also, let's keep this temporary diagnosis to ourselves for now."

"Got it! Thank you!" I called as I rushed out of the room quickly pulling Eren's phone out of my pocket to dial Mikasa's number. "Come on Eren... Pick up, pick up..." I pleaded as I listening to it ring.

My ears were filled with Mikasa's voice, "Hello, this is Mikasa Ackerman. I'm sorry I can't come to my phone right now. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible," a loud beep followed, signaling for me to record my message.

"Eren? It's me Armin, please call me back when you get this. I'm not sure where you went or what's going on but I'm really worried about you two. I'm heading over to your house now, hopefully I'll see you there."

I was jogging through the empty halls, redialing the number over and over. But no matter how many times I called, no one would answer. By the time I made it to the road and flagged down a taxi I had called seven times and still received no answer.

I gave the man in the front seat Erens address, anxiously waiting as he weaved in and out of the afternoon traffic loud honks sounding behind us. I didn't have time for this! I needed to get to them as fast as I could and all this is doing is slowing me down! What if something bad happened? I'd never be able to forgive myself.

I inhaled the smell of cheap cigars that filled the cab as I tried to calm myself. My nails dug into the ripped, cushioned seats beneath me while I watched the scenery pass by. Soon enough we entered the woods and were gradually getting closer and closer to my destination. I pulled some cash out of my wallet, not bothering to count how much as I shoved the leather back into my bag.

The taxi came to a screeching stop at the end of Erens driveway and I quickly jumped out, shoving a wad of money into the man's hand and thanking him before I took off. I sprinted down the driveway as fast as my legs would take me, struggling with the weight of my heavy backpack pulling on my shoulders. 

I gasped for breath when the house finally came into view, doubling over, my chest heaving, begging for air. I let my bag fall off my shoulders as I began running again though more frantically this time, the rocky driveway crunching under my feet and my blond hair whipping around my face with the wind. The front door was left hanging wide open and even from here I could hear incoherent screams, not completely sure who they were coming from.

If Grisha was even half as dangerous as Mike had said he was then I needed to get in there as quickly as possible. I stumbled up the steps, bracing myself as I fell into the door with a heavy thud, pain jolting through the entirety of my bruised body. The screams were getting louder so I was quick to readjust myself and run inside to find the source. My head darted around, taking in the mess around me. There was obviously some sort of struggle if the broken objects thrown about and the mess of stuff that had been pushed off the counters was anything to go by.

Further inside I hesitantly looked around, not sure who was here. I'd have to be careful if Grisha was still home, who knows where he could be hiding? Though the screaming distracted me of thinking about that too much, I was becoming more and more worried. What exactly happened in the short amount of time between Eren leaving because of Mikasa's call and me arriving here?

Room by room I searched the house, finding absolutely nothing but hearing just about everything. Those pained cries begging for me to find them. My head was spinning and my body felt weak but I kept pushing forward, becoming even more nervous as the screams began to fade in my mind.

All I was left to listen to were my harsh breaths, pounding heart, and heavy footsteps that caused each stair to creak as I slowly made my way to the second floor, step by agonizing step. It was as if the world was suddenly in slow motion, my mind trying to prepare me for whatever I might find up here.

I braced myself as I reached out for Eren's door handle, gripping it so hard I was sure that it would rip right off that old wooden door. Slowly, slower than slow, the door was pulled open by my numb arms. My eyes grew wide at the sight of Eren's room; it was in complete disarray.

Objects had been thrown and broken, clothes and utensils strewn about the messy floor. There was blood splatters, on the wall and on the ground. I held my breath as my eyes scanned over every horrifying detail.

But what hurt the most to see was the small figure curled up tight in the middle of the room, screaming as if that was all she had left to do.

"M-Mikasa?" My weak voice cracked as I called out to her, my shaky arm lifting as if I could reach her from here. As if I could touch her and comfort her, to beg her to tell me what was wrong.

She whimpered when she heard my voice, her head flying up. Eyes wide and flushed cheeks stained with tears that glittered against the light flowing in through the broken window. The words, which she somehow spoke very clearly, immediately became what I was dreading the most without even realizing it prior to her telling me.

"He took Eren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I hope you all enjoyed and again I'm so sorry that I've been taking so long to update. If you're still following along thank you so much you are literally an angel. If you haven't been following along or you stopped following along that's okay you're still an angel, I wouldn't want to deal with my inconsistent ass either.
> 
> Anyways feedback is always super appreciated and thank you so so much for reading. Even if I don't show it properly it really means a lot!


	22. Let Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a day late (oops) thanks to an unexpected hospital visit. But hey at least it's not two weeks late! Am I right?... No..? Haa...*cries in the corner*
> 
> Anyways, it's not horribly late so I'm not too concerned. I'm definitely trying to update a lot more regularly because it's so close to the end, but it's rough when I'm so busy all the time. 
> 
> Besides all of that, I hope you all enjoy chapter twenty two.

Cold. If I had to describe the way I felt the moment those evil words crept past her chapped lips I would say so very cold. The frigid chill that ran down my spine was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like a burning spark that vibrated throughout my entire body. It's seething flame burned every inch of me, the sudden pain of it all causing me to collapse on my knees, my fingers yanking at my hair as if that would help pull this horrible pain out of my body.

"Wha-what do you mean... He took him?" My voice came out in a whisper, barely heard above my harsh panting breath and her light whimpers.

"Our Dad... He took Eren and left.. I don't.. I don't know where he took him! I don't know where they went!" She sobbed, banging her fist on the ground in sour defeat. "You have to find him Armin... I don't know what he's going to do to Eren..."

My head was spinning, my brain could hardly process the words she was speaking. I could practically hear the way my body shook as I slowly began to break down in the middle of the doorway, blank eyes staring at Mikasa as if I could find an answer there.

I didn't know what to do, I wasn't sure how Grisha's mind worked. How was I supposed to find him? What was he planning on doing with Eren? He's obviously in danger but as much as I wanted to help, there was nothing that I could do about that. I searched every corner of my brain but found no possible solution. What could I, a simple high school student, do?

Everyone had always told me how intelligent I was, how I always had the perfect solution to all of my problems no matter what I was dealing with. So why now? Why was it now that the love of my life was in danger could I not think straight? Why would my brain decided that now of all times it would fail me?

Maybe it was the toll that these past few months had taken on me both mentally and physically. I was just a simple sophomore living on my own with only the support of my close friends to keep myself going. I wasn't built to deal with so many problems that were being continuously thrown at me. I didn't have enough life experience to know what to do anymore. This had become a guessing game but that was the worst situation possible now that Eren's life was on the line.

What was I to do? I'm only human, sometimes not even I can solve the things thrown at me. Where would I go? I could search the town but it's likely that Grisha is hiding somewhere where he knows that nobody else will be able to find him. I didn't know the man well enough to figure out where he could be hiding. So what was I to do to save Eren? Why does Mikasa think that there's something I'd be able to do? Why would she put so much trust in me?

"Mikasa I don't...know what to do," my hands dropped away from my hair, hanging at my sides with slumped shoulders. All I could tell her was the absolute undeniable truth; there's nothing that I can do.

"But you have to do something!" She cried, arms flailing as she tried to think of something, "Arg! What about those teachers?! Eren told me they were helping you! Can't they do something?!"

She was right, I had people to turn to. How could I forget that there was a room full of people who were probably waiting for me to call? These people that have supported me through everything and we're waiting to do just that at this very moment. Why was it that every time things got rough I always forgot that I had people there for me? It's a flaw of mine, I guess; I try to do everything on my own even when I have people willing and ready to help.

"You're right! I'll call them right away," I declared as I pulled Eren's phone out of my pocket, fumbling as I began to dial Marco's number.

The dial sound was interrupted with a sweet voice laced with worry, "Armin? Is everything alright over there?" 

"Marco! Are you still with everyone? Put me on speaker," I told him, listening as he put speaker on and set the phone down in the table.

"Alright, we're all listening."

"I need your help!" My voice rose with panic, "Grisha took Eren and I don't know where they went. The house is a mess and only Mikasa is here with me but she doesn't know where Grisha is taking Eren either. I have no clue what to do but I think we have to do something quick because I fear that Eren isn't safe! I don't know where to go though so we called you guys hoping that maybe-"

"Kid! Calm down," Levi's stern voice cut off my nervous rambling.

"Listen Hun," Hanji's gentle voice filled my ears, "We need you to calm down a bit and talk more clearly. We can't help you if we don't understand what you're trying to tell us. So take a deep breath and start again."

I nodded as if they could see me, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long sigh. I took another deep breath in before I began speak again, more calmly this time, "Grisha took Eren but neither of us know where they went. We're afraid that he's going to try to harm Eren."

"I think the best thing we can do right now is call the police," Erwin's deep voice flooded the line.

"You mean the same fuckfaces who refused to help us when we told them a child was being abused?" Levi retorted and I could practically hear the sneer in his voice, his disgust towards our local police clear with every word he spoke. "What makes you think they'll be of any more help now?"

"Who else do we go to Levi?" Mike asked, sighing.

"I don't fucking know!" Levi yelled, there was a loud bang which I assumed was him slamming his hands on the table.

"Levi calm down," Hanji told him, clearly worried about her friend. "Getting upset will do nothing to help us. We all need to keep clear, level heads if we want to get Eren back as fast as we can."

Who would have though that Hanji, my crazy science teacher, would be the only one who could stay calm at a time like this? I'd never heard her be more serious than I did at that moment and I think it came as a surprise to everyone. 

She let out a quiet puff of air, "Look there's not much that we as teachers and students can do for him right now. Even if we want to, we just can't do everything on our own. The best thing to do right now is call the authorities and let them handle it. Otherwise we might not be able to get Eren back or we may just end up making the situation even worse. I know that nobody wants that to happen, so for now let's just file a report with the police."

"Are you sure there's absolutely nothing else we can do?" I hear Gunter ask, the same question was running through mine and probably everyone else's minds at that moment.

This was a group of very motivated people who liked to get things done as fast and as efficient as possible. They didn't like to rely on other people who may not be of much use. So to give up all of our power to the people who had already denied us once would be a hard thing to do. But it was for Eren's safety; we wanted him back home safe and alive more than we wanted to find him on our own. Our fear for his life was currently a whole lot bigger than our egos.

"There really isn't anything guys. I don't like this either but if we're going to get that kid back then we have to accept the fact that it has to be the police who do it," Hanji told everyone, obviously not very happy about having to hand over our power to the police either.

"I agree," I finally cut in, everyone else going silent at my words. "Trust me, I want to help find him more than anything but I know that it's impossible to do this on our own. We have to call the police and file a report."

"So you're saying that we have to just sit back and wait while they do all the work?" Levi scoffed.

"That's exactly it," I told him plainly, not in the mood for this discussion to go on for any longer.

And so, that's exactly what we did. After our call, Hanji called the police and filed the report. They told her that they'd begin a search right away, not that any of us believed that. For the time being we would have to wait, as much as it was bothering all of us there really wasn't anything that we could do.

I had told Mikasa to come home with me, that it would be better if she was to stay with someone. But in reality I only wanted her to be with me just in case Grisha came back alone. There would be no one there to stop Grisha from harming her and I couldn't bare the thought of that happening.

Mikasa was a strong girl; she was stronger than most men even. But she also respected her father even after everything that he had put her and her brother through. I knew for certain that she wouldn't fight back against him because of that strong respect that she had for him. I would have admired her for that if her life wasn't on the line, but now it was just plain stupid that she wasn't fighting back. No one could convince her to though, she had always stuck to her ideals.

She refused my offer even when I begged her to come. I offered her the bed and all the food she would need for free. I told her I'd help her pack everything that she would need and carry it over to my house for her. But no matter what I told her, Mikasa refused to come with me.

Maybe she wanted to be there just in case Eren some how made it back, but wasn't that wishful thinking? It was hard thinking so negatively, but I had to for her safety. There was such a minuscule chance that Eren would come back without Grisha by his side. There was also a huge chance that Grisha would come home alone. So why would she risk it?

There was no point in asking. Once she had made up her mind I knew that there would be no persuading her to change it. So eventually I left her there alone and made the short journey back to my own home. 

It was cold outside but the nipping air was nothing compared to the fear that was gradually blooming inside of me. I couldn't help but feel anxious, leaving Mikasa alone, waiting for the police to find Eren. None of it felt right, I should have been doing something but I couldn't. I was antsy, ready to jump on anything that would keep my mind distracted from thoughts of the siblings for long enough to ease myself mentally and physically.

I was absolutely exhausted, which was proven further when I got home and immediately fell asleep on my bed. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to sleep so deeply on my own. I was so out of it that I didn't dream, I barely even remembered falling asleep.

But the light I saw peaking through my curtains when my eyes first squinted open told me that I had actually slept through the night. I sat up, stretching my sore arms and twisting my back to crack my spine. Getting up, I grabbed my towel from my door and headed to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

I undressed, peeling off my clothes from the previous day, and stepped under the steaming water. I let the way the hot droplets cascaded over me sooth my eyelids shut, standing peacefully with just the sound of running water filling my ears. The air was thick with steam, almost making it hard to breath, but I didn't mind. The water was so hot that my skin was turning a rosey red color and it was sensitive to the touch. But that hot water felt amazing on my aching, bruised up body, so I ignored my burning skin.

I quickly washed my hair and body, continuing to stand under the shower head even after I finished cleaning up. I didn't turn off the water until my fingers began to prune, knowing that I'd have to hurry if I wanted to make it to the bus in time. Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped my towel around my lean waist, grabbing my dirty clothes and making my way into my room.

I dried off my body, discarding the dirty clothes and towel into the hamper that was already overflowing with clothes. I threw on tight black skinny jeans, worn rips had formed at the knees. After pulling on a black v-neck, I put on a forest green jean-jacket over that. Finally I put on socks and yanked on my brown lace up boots that went up to my knees.

It had been awhile since I wore most of this, but there wasn't much else left for me to wear. The boots had been hiding in the corner of my closet, a present that my parents had given me shortly before they left. Most days they had served as a reminder that my own parents had abandoned me to chase their dreams. But that didn't matter anymore.

Somewhere along the way I had stopped caring that my parents had left me. During these past few months I almost felt a strange sense of comfort living alone in my house. It was as if that's just the way things were supposed to be. Somehow, without intentionally doing so, I finally accepted that they wouldn't be coming back for me. I was ready to move on and start my life without the weight of their absence dragging me down.

I knew that I wasn't worth coming back to, that they would never make the effort to see their own son again. But I was okay with that now. I accepted that I wasn't good enough for them and that I never would be. I wasn't the child that they had always dreamed of having so they left me behind, and that was fine with me. 

I grabbed my backpack and Eren's phone, locking the front door and shoving the key into my bag before throwing it over my shoulder. I hadn't charged Eren's phone last night so I had stuffed the charger in my bag before I left. I'd just have to make 15% last me until first period, no big deal.

Compact snow crunched under my heavy boots as I trudged down my driveway, huffing out every breath in a sharp exhale. My pace was quick, a fast walk that I wouldn't normally do but I needed to move. I needed to get my blood pumping, anything to calm my nerves that seemed to be working at hyper-speed.

I was so distracted with trying to calm myself that I almost didn't notice the loud shrill of a phone ringing in my pocket. I fumbled slightly, stopping to pull the phone out. My eyebrows fell into a frown when I read the caller ID, but I swiped my thumb across the screen to answer nonetheless.

"Hey Marco, what's up?" I greeted casually, trying my best to hide the worry that was threatening to take over my voice.

"Armin! I'm so glad you picked up!" 

"Huh? What's going on?" I continued walking, though at a much slower pace, as I questioned the boy on the other end. My voice was loud against my quiet footsteps and the light rustling of trees. 

"Look, I got a call from Mikasa earlier. Apparently Grisha is back home with Eren," even with this news, Marco didn't sound very happy.

"Well what's wrong? He's safe isn't he?"

"Here's the thing; the police found them yesterday. But Grisha brushed them off, telling them that he had only taken his son out to spend quality time together. The police believed him and let him go! Can you believe that?!" He sounded just about as exasperated as I felt. What was wrong with people?

"You've got to be kidding me! So they are all back at the house now?" I watched my hot breath leave my mouth in small puffs of smoke with every word.

"Yeah, but..." Marco trailed off, seemingly unsure of how to finish.

"But what? What's wrong Marco?" My heart pounded in my chest. The thought that something bad had happened made a similar chill to the one I had experienced yesterday run through my body. I could almost feel the way every cell within me vibrated with nervous tension.

"Mikasa said that Grisha won't allow them to leave the house... I offered to go over there to see what I could do but she told me that he doesn't want any of their friends coming over either. He's basically quarantined them."

"That's not right! He can't just keep them locked up like that, they have school! I don't care what Grisha says! I'm going over there right now, he won't be able to stop me," I yelled into the phone, taking out my sudden surge of anger on poor Marco who sat quietly on the other end while I ranted.

"Armin, I don't really think that's a good idea. What if you get hurt?" Marco asked wearily, concern taking over his gentle tone as he tried to reason with me.

"I'll be fine Marco, don't worry about me," I tried to reassure him, but wasn't even sure myself how this would turn out. I knew it was dangerous to go over there, but I couldn't let Grisha keep them locked up in a house all day with him.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you, this really isn't a good ide-" he was suddenly cut off. I could hear a rough struggle and a few voices arguing on the other end for a short while.

Eventually a new voice filled my ears, "Hey blondie! Going to visit your bro-hoe on the down-low?!" The question was followed by loud, obnoxious laughter that was obviously coming from more than just one person.

I addressed only the person who spoke to me though. "Not the time Jean," I grit through my teeth, trying to hold back my frustration at the whole situation. He really wasn't making things any better and I definitely wasn't in the mood to deal with him or anyone else who thought it was a good time to joke around.

"Dang! Who knew shorty had a bite?" More laughter followed.

"That's it. I'm hanging up, say good bye to Marco for me."

"Wait! Armin no! We were just kidding! Don't go I promise I wo-"

"Goodbye Jean!" I yelled over him, quickly ending the call with a huff as I reached Eren's driveway. I stared down it, the tall trees looming overhead casting a dark ominous shadow and I couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy. 

I ignored that feeling, though, in favor of speed walking again. I continuously glanced down at the phone in my hand, constantly checking the time to make sure that I wasn't taking too long. I wanted to get to Eren as fast as I could, I needed to know that he was okay.

Finally I reached his house, it's tall figure staring down at me somehow seemed more threatening than usual. Maybe it was just my nerves or maybe it was foreshadowing what was to come. Either way I walked up to the front door with confidence, knocking loudly before I rang the doorbell a few times.

There was loud footsteps on the other side of the door before I heard a few locks being undone. When the door was swung open with great force, I was greeted by a seething Grisha. His tired, baggy eyes looked crazed, bloodshot and opened wide.

"What do you fucking wa-...oh...it's you," his angry face fell flat at the sight of me. I wasn't sure if I should have been relieved or worried, so I settled for the latter.

"I want to see Eren," I stated, leaving no room for argument.

Though of course Grisha would argue, I already knew this wouldn't be easy. "Well you can't fucking see him so go home. You'd stay the hell away from here if you knew what was good for you."

I ignored his threat, frowning as I stood my ground. "No. I'm not leaving. Let me see Eren or I'll go get him myself."

Grisha smiled menacingly, the shadows casting over his face as he looked down at me, chilling me to the bones. "Oh? And how exactly do you plan on doing that?"

"I...I just will!" I spat, angry because I knew he was right. I probably wouldn't be able to make it past him, I was so much smaller and not even half as strong as the man standing before me.

"I'm sure you will. If that's all, you can head home now."

"I'm not going anywhere, let me in so that I can see Eren!" I stepped closer, growling low in my throat.

He let out a dark laugh, "Oh kid, you just don't know when to quit do you?" He leaned down, grabbing my collar as he spat angered words into my face, "I told you to leave, what part of that do you not understand, huh? Do I need to spell it out for you? Or have I finally gotten past that thick skull of yours?"

I pushed away from him, anger bubbling in up in my stomach, "I heard you the first time but I'm not leaving until I see him! Bring me Eren! Where is he?! Eren! EREN! EREN PLEASE, EREN! ERE-"

I was cut off when Grisha harshly shoved my chest, knocking me back a few steps. "Shut up! I said you're not fucking seeing him! He doesn't want to see your ugly fucking face anyways you disgusting fag! Get off of my property before I fucking kill you!"

"That's not true! You're lying!" I cried out, trying to shove Grisha back but he didn't even budge. "Let me see Eren!"

"No!" Grisha grabbed my shoulder, fingers digging into my skin as he held me in place. 

Just then, past his tall figure, I saw movement inside, a mop of beautiful brown locks. Eren stood in the doorway that lead from the dining room and into the living room, staring directly at me. He leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed. I took in his stunning form, shirtless bruised torso and long tanned legs covered with black basketball shorts.

I smiled wide, calling out to the boy that I had previously been begging to see. "Eren! Eren I came too see you! Please, come here!" I leaned past Grisha, his hands still on my shoulders, to get a better look at the boy that I so desperately needed to hold. Eren didn't move from his spot, only shaking his head as he stared at me blankly.

My heart dropped, along with my smile. I called out to him again, "What? What do you mean no? Come here! Eren! Please!"

Grisha chuckled again, drawing my attention away from my boyfriend. "Didn't I tell you? He doesn't want to see you!" 

With that he shoved me again, and again. He shoved me one last time and I lost my balance as I stumbled backwards, falling down the steps to his porch and landing harshly on the snow and gravel of his driveway, scraping the palms of my hands when I tried to brace my fall. I cried out, struggling and writhing on the ground for a few moments as I waited for the pain that was shooting through every inch of me to pass. Though the sudden sound of a door slamming was able to effectively distracted me for a few moments.

I looked up to see that the front door had been shut, all signs of Eren and his father disappearing completely. I groaned as I forced myself to my feet again, slowly making my way back up the steps, pain shooting through my body with every movement.

When I reached the front door I wiggled the door handle but the door wouldn't budge, of course he locked it. Anger took over, my fist pounding into the cold door as I tried to yell through the thick wood that was keeping me from seeing Eren, "Let me in! Let me see Eren! Let me fuckig see him you giant asshole! I don't care if I have to fight you to get to him! Let me in!" 

The only thing I got in response was the sound of shuffling coming from behind the door followed by the harsh slap of skin against skin. There was a light whimper and then muffled speaking.

"What are you doing to him?!" I called, "Stop! Let me in the house! Eren, please! I just need to see you! I need to know that you're okay! I'll leave after, I promise! Just let me fucking see him!" My eyes burned as I tried to hold back tears, the image of Eren shaking his head as I begged for him replaying in my head over and over.

I fell against the door, my shoulder holding me up as my legs shook underneath me. "Eren, please," I whispered pathetically.

With that I slid down the door, falling into a pathetic heap of sobs. I curled in on myself, pulling my legs against my body. I tried to muffle my cries as I buried my face in my knees but it was useless. All I could do was sit there and cry, my warm tears heating up my frozen face.

Suddenly, I was being littered with white. I looked up, watching as small white flakes drifted down from the gloomy sky. Sitting there against the door as wet snow seeped into my clothes, I knew that there wasn't much else that I could do besides sit there and cry. So I let it all out, I cried and cried until I cried so much that tears refused to fall, I was all out. Then all I could do was whine, whine and whimper. The small noises continued for a while until they finally lulled me into a restless, uncomfortable sleep against the cold door on the front porch of the house with the boy that I craved so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter seems a bit rushed but I think that's because I tried to fit so many avents into it that were originally supposed to be much longer. I'm really trying to stick to my "this will officially only have twenty seven chapters including the epilogue" but it's hard. I always want to keep adding but right now I'm just trying to finally get to the end. 
> 
> I hope you were able to enjoy chapter twenty two nonetheless. Thank you all so much for the support you have been giving me, it seriously means so much especially when I'm struggling to write and upload on time. I hope you all continue that support and are looking forward to the next chapter!
> 
> EDIT: I went back and fixed a few mistakes. There wasn't anything too horrible but there was enough mistakes for it to bother me to the point that I needed to re-edit it.


	23. His New Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An extra event that was never supposed to happen and is now completely changing the plot of he story all for the sake of having Armin and Eren together again? Me adding an extra chapter and making this fic longer than it should be yet again? Noooo...I would never...
> 
> Anyways..... This is late (?) I guess. I mean I've been updating on either Saturday's or Wednesday's so it's not really late. It seems that was because the last update was on a Saturday.
> 
> Not that any of that matters! What does matter is this extra chapter so please enjoy.

"Armin...hey! Armin, wake up," a strong hand shook my small, shaking frame.

Where was I? Still outside of Eren's house? That would explain why my entire body felt as if it had turned to ice. But, there was something covering me, something soft. 

"Armin, seriously get up. We have to hurry, let's go," the voice called to me as it continued rocking me in an attempt to draw me out of my sleepy state.

My eyelids slowly separated, blinking a few times to help focus on the blurry world around me. It was bright out even though clouds curtained the once blue sky. Everything was covered in a thin, fluffy blanket of frozen white that sparkled beautifully. There was another dark blue blanket covering me, shielding me from the soft snow that threatened to bury me in my misery on the porch where I lay.

I glanced to the left, taking in the tall form that leaned over me, messy brown locks falling to frame a perfectly sculpted tan face. Light pink lips were pursed together in a concerned frown. Furrowed brows guided squinted eyes that bore into my own. I couldn't help but stare back at the beautiful boy that hung above me, not even thinking to respond to his previous calls.

"You're finally awake? Come on, get up, we have to go," he extended his hand to help me up. I hesitantly grabbed it, letting him pull me from the small dry circle that I had left on the wooden porch. I wasn't exactly sure what he meant, but I listened nonetheless.

"What do you mean we have to go?" I asked past a large yawn, tears forming at the corners of my eyes. "Where are we going?" I threw on my backpack and wrapped the blanket tightly around my body, anything to gain some sort of warmth.

"To your house, now hurry up!" He yanked on my arm, pulling me forward.

"Wait!" I pulled my arm away from him, taking a step back, "won't your dad be angry? I thought he didn't want you leaving? What will he do when he finds out?" I asked, peering at him suspiciously past the fluffy blanket that I had drawn up to my face.

"Of course he'll be angry, that's why we need to hurry before he wakes up!" He hopped down the stairs, grabbing a large duffle bag that I hadn't seen resting there and slinging it over his shoulder. "Now can we _please_ just go?" He practically begged.

I followed him to the bottom of the steps as I answered, "Are you planning on staying?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?" He lifted an eyebrow as if he hadn't even thought twice about it.

"No, of course not. You know you can stay whenever you like. But... How long are you staying for exactly?" We began to walk down the driveway, careful of the ice that slicked the small frozen rocks.

"For as long as I can," he scoffed, glancing up at the cloudy sky above us, "I don't ever want to go back there if I don't have to."

This stopped me dead in my tracks, "What?! What about Mikasa?!"

This stopped Eren too, but he didn't turn to face me. Instead he stared straight ahead, slowly shaking his head as he spoke, his voice starting in a low whisper as it slowly grew louder, "She... She refused to come... No matter what I said to her she wouldn't listen. I tried, I swear I tried so fucking hard! But she couldn't understand, she doesn't believe that he's capable of hurting her! I didn't want to leave her behind but I can't keep doing this! I just want it all to end! IM SO TIRED OF DEALING WITH THIS EVERY FUCKIN-"

He was silenced by my skinny arms wrapping around his torso, my head falling against his back as I hugged him from behind. The blanket fell away from my body, pilling around our feet in a fluffy heap. I couldn't let the freezing air bother me when I felt he way Eren shook in my grasp.

"It's okay Eren, it's not your fault. There was nothing you could do, you made the right choice," I tried to calm him with gentle words.

I felt his hand reach up and grasp one of my own, holding it tightly in his large, warm hand. His weak, sorrowful voice was shaky, barely a whisper that traveled through the silent atmosphere. "I don't want her to get hurt. All I ever wanted was to save her and I couldn't even do that."

"You will, Eren. Once we take this to court you can save her," I comforted him, squeezing his body and letting myself enjoy his sweet scent.

"Do you promise?" He turned around to face me, holding out his hand.

"I promise," I smiled as our palms slid against each other, fist gently bumped, and then our pinkies tightly locked as if that was how they were meant to be. Every small touch caused electricity to course through my body, charging every cell with a positive buzz.

I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around myself, standing besides Eren again. He had a sad smile on his face as we continued walking, the internal struggle written clear across his sharp features. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave his sister behind, but what else could he do? He had protected her for so long that he couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't blame him for wanting to leave though I'm sure he was already blaming himself.

The rest of the walk was fairly silent as snow drifted down around us and our thoughts drifted to the girl we had left behind. I couldn't understand why she would stay after seeing her father beat his own son so many times. She knew what was going on, she would even help take care of Eren once their father was done lashing out at him, as Eren had told us previously. So why would she choose to stay?

It wasn't safe for anyone to be around him, Mikasa was smart enough to know that. Yet she refused to leave no matter how many people tried to reason with her. If she was being that stubborn about it then she had to have some sort of reason or explanation. She couldn't continuing living with that man simply because she wanted to, I refused to believe that. So what was keeping her from leaving?

I wasn't sure and even though I had wracked my brain for any sort of clue for the entirety of our walk, I had come up with absolutely nothing. There didn't seem to be any reasonable answer for Mikasa to want to be around that man, not one that I could think of at least.

When we finally made it to my house I was quick to unlock the door and stumble inside, grateful to feel the warmth that encased my body after who knows how many hours of sitting outside. It had to be around noon by now, though it was possible that it was even later.

Inside we both took off our shoes and left them by the front door. I threw the blanket into the washing machine before going to my room to change into grey sweats and a white long-sleeved v-neck. Once I was finally comfortable and warm again, I made my way out to the kitchen to find Eren using his phone that I had left plugged in by the kitchen table. His duffle bag rested next to the chair he was sitting in, his coat draped across it.

He looked up when he heard my footsteps, smiling and motioning for me to come closer as he turned off his phone and placed it down on the table. I made my way over to him, looking down to meet his gaze as he stared up at me from his spot in the chair. Eren was quick to wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him and burning his face in my stomach. I almost instinctively wrapped my arms around his head, threading my fingers through his silky brown hair.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, peering out the frosty window and watching the way the snow was beginning to pile on the ground.

"Sorry for what?" He mumbled, keeping his face pressed against me as he spoke.

I let out a soft sigh, "For everything really. For fighting with you over the most stupid things. For not being able to save your mother. For all the shit your dad has done these past months. For not being able to help any sooner. I'm so sorry Eren." My voice cracked on his name but I paid no mind, too consumed with the feeling of Eren's strong arms gripping me tighter.

"There's no need for you to apologize, it's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything more than you already have. Honestly, I should be thanking you for everything you've done to me. I'm not worth all of this time and effort but for some reason you refuse to give up on me," his body shook as I felt the way hot tears stained the thin fabric of my shirt. 

"I would never give up on you Eren, you're my whole world, you know that," I cooed, carding my fingers through his hair in slow, soothing motions.

Eren finally looked up, his chin resting against my stomach, "I love you so much Armin, I hope you know that."

I smiled down at him, unable to hold it back. I couldn't help but admire how gorgeous he was even with tear-streaked cheeks and puffy red eyes. His arms fell away as I leaned down so that our faces were level to each other. I gently grabbed his chin, speaking softly, "I know that and I love you too."

Our faces were so close that I could feel each breath he let out crawling down my skin, sending shivers down my spine. Our eyes locked, searching for who knows what, wondering why our chest felt so heavy at that moment. What was this feeling? Why did it hurt so bad?

Eren closed his eyes, his hand reaching up to grip at that fabric covering his chest, "I swear I love you so much it hurts."

He was feeling the same pain, the same weight of being so close but needing to get so much closer. I couldn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure how to make this pain go away other than to touch him. To pull his face forward in close the distance between us, pressing my lips against his in a passionate kiss that he was quick to return.

I slowly crawled onto his lap, Eren tilted his head back to deepen the kiss as I moved over him. He tightly gripped my hips, pulling me down so that our bodies were flushed, my chest pressed against his own. He bit my lower lip, stopping our motions and my eyes fluttered open to meet his own half-lidded orbs. He pulled my lip back and then finally let go, smiling at me, his eyes filled with what I would call fondness.

It would be hard to describe how amazing that smile made me feel. Ecstatic was close but not the right word because it was something deeper than that. It was something more then the butterflies in my stomach and my heart pounding heavily in my chest. It wasn't something that I could feel but rather something that I just was. It was like a connection between our souls that only drew us closer and closer until I could barely recognize where I ended and where Eren began.

Nothing had ever felt so perfectly right and the fact that one day I could lose this terrified me. The thought of that happening replaced the butterflies with ice cold fear and caused my heart to practically stop in the middle of its frantic beating. The fear I felt in that moment was almost palpable, like another person had entered the room and was looming over the two of us. I know Eren had felt it to, the way his pupils shifted and his smile faltered was enough to tell me that he could sense the same fear.

But he didn't let it control him like I had given it the power over me, he wasn't someone who could be easily controlled. Instead he fought it, pushing his lips against mine once more, moving in slow desperate motions as if trying to convey that he wouldn't be afraid. He was showing me that there was nothing to fear, that he would always be there to protect me. Souls like ours weren't meant to be apart, that's what he made me believe.

His warm tongue slid against my lower lip and I let my jaw drop, giving him access to my mouth. He slid his tongue in, gliding it against mine in slow, lazy motions. Neither of us cared about the wet, sloppiness of the kiss, or the fact that we were slowly losing our breath. We didn't want to pull apart, it had been so long since we had last been this close to each other. This was something that we both needed so badly after going without it for such a long time.

So I let him continue to explore every inch of my mouth, my tongue dancing against his, forcing him to pick up the pace of his movements. He hummed, the sound low and deep in his chest and I could practically feel the way it vibrated up against my own.

My hands slid into his hair, tugging on the long strands that my fingers had tangled themselves in. Eren hummed again, hands wandering under my white shirt and making their way up the smooth, pale skin of my back. They followed the curve of my spine, pushing up my shirt as they made their way higher and higher. 

Eren pulled back, saliva dripping down his chin, mouth slightly open as he let out heavy breaths. His flushed pink lips were slicked with saliva and I wanted to claim them as my own again as fast as I could. I tried too, but he stopped me, smiling as he put a hand against my chest to keep me from getting any closer. I unintentionally whined in my throat, unable to help it with him holding me back like that.

Eren paid no mind though, too busy watching the way my skin was uncovered as he pushed up my shirt, warm hands grazing against my body and sending jolts down my spine. He gripped the hem of the soft fabric and I lifted my arms to help him as he pulled it over my head, tossing it to the side when it was finally fully off. He leaned back, eyes studying my chest, his gaze causing me to shift uncomfortably and look away. I could feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment when I heard Eren let out a quiet laugh.

"Hey, look at me. There's no reason to be embarrassed," he gently grabbed my chin, turning my heated face and forcing me to look at him. "You're so, so very beautiful, I would look at you all day if I could."

Eren let his hand drop from my chin, trailing it down my neck and over my chest. His fingers pressed into my skin as he felt every inch of my exposed torso, shivers running through my exposed chest and causing goosebumps to raise on my skin. He was transfixed with the way his fingers glided over me, as if he truly did believe that it was the best sight in the world; maybe he did.

"There's no reason to be ashamed, especially in front of me. You're so perfect, every inch of you is," Eren continued complimented me as he ran his hands up and down my sides, squeezing my hips and finally leaving his hands there to rest.

I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to feel his lips pressed against my own. I gripped the back of his head, pulling our faces together and forcing Eren back into a fiery kiss. Our mouths moved together like that's what they were made to do, teasing tongues slipping past each other in fast movements. 

We were both breathing heavily through our noses because we refused to pull apart even for a second, if I were to die like this it would be okay. I wouldn't mind dying in Erens arms, one of the only places that I was ever truly at peace anymore. It may have been the same for him, I wouldn't doubt that it was. 

I whined into the kiss, a soft high-pitched noise that was slightly muffled, lost in the frantic movements of our mouths against each other. Though Eren heard it and it only seemed to spur him on further. One hand moved to my back, roughly pressing me to his chest. The other slid into my hair, tugging harshly on the short blond locks. 

I whimpered at the action and Eren repeated it, pulling harder this time. I couldn't help the soft noises that escaped me with every rough tug and pull. Eren was making the most of it, milking whatever small cries he could get out of me.

Eventually he pulled so hard that our mouths separated, yanking my head back and holding it there to expose my throat. I panted heavily, flushed, wet lips wide open as I desperately gasped for air. Eren was quick to move again, his mouth latching onto my throat as he began nipping and sucking at the delicate skin there. 

"E-Eren," I called weakly, "what are you-"

I was cut off by a loud shilling ring, Eren instantly ceasing all movements at the noise. He sat back, huffing, seeming almost annoyed at the sound. It was his phone, the continuous ringing signaling that someone was trying to call us.

Eren sighed, reaching over to answer it and put it on speaker before placing it back down on the table. We both sat in silence as we waited for the person on the other end to speak. It wasn't until a few moments after we picked up the phone that they finally did.

"Armin? Are you there?" Marco's voice filled our ears, the loud sound cracking through the phones speakers.

"Y-yeah, what's up?" I asked, still out of breath from previous activities.

"Are you okay? Did you see Eren? Is he okay?" Marco kept shooting questions one right after another, not giving either of us a chance to answer.

"I'm fine," Eren spoke up, "I'm with Armin, he's okay too."

"Oh! Hey Eren! Where are you guys? You're not at Eren's place right?" Marco sounded worried, he really was too sweet for his own good.

"No were at Armin's place right now, I'll be staying with him for awhile," Eren informed him, leaning an elbow on the table when he began to realize that this talk would be taking much longer than he was probably hoping for. While I wanted to get back to things just as much as Eren did, if Marco called us that meant that he probably had something important to say.

"What about Mikasa?" The boy on the other end of the line spoke hesitantly, "where is she?"

"Mikasa didn't..." Eren trailed off, unable to complete that thought.

I spoke for him, knowing that it wasn't easy for him to be talking about that right now. He still had to be hurting pretty badly over that, there was no reason for him to have to tell anyone about it, but we trusted Marco. Plus it was yet another reason as to why we had to hurry up and get Grisha behind bars. We needed to save Mikasa before her father did anything to harm her.

"She's still back at their house, she refused to leave. Eren tried his best to get her to come but there was nothing he could do to convince her," I informed him, keeping in mind that this was something that everyone needed to know. I didn't like talking about Eren's personal life to other people, I'd just be exposing his privacy, but this was too important not to tell anyone.

"I see... It's okay Eren, I understand. I'm sure she had a reason for staying but whatever that may be doesn't matter right now. What matters is that we're going to get both you and her to safety as fast as we can," Marco tried to reassure him.

"Yeah..." Eren muttered under his breath, staring out the window at the cloudy sky. 

"So why'd you call?" I interjected, tired of all of this talk that was making Eren so uncomfortable.

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! So apparently Levi got ahold of a lawyer who was willing to speak to them about the case. He's offering a low price so we'll probably be able to save up enough to pay for both the lawyer and the court fees. Levi and Erwin will be speaking with him tomorrow and then they're hoping for you two to meet with him after school just so he can ask you some questions."

"Are you serious?" I asked him, bewildered at the sudden announcement.

"Completely, will you guys be able to make it tomorrow?"

"Of course! Are we just meeting in Levi's class like usual?"

"No, they want to go to Erwin's instead, if that's okay with you guys?" He questioned.

"That should be fine," I hummed, tapping my chin before I continued, "Just text us the time to be there by and the room and building number of Erwin's class if you don't mind."

"Alright, I'll do that right away. I'll see you guys tomorrow then?" 

"Yeah, we'll be there."

"Okay!" Marco happily replied, "Good bye Armin, bye Eren!"

"Bye Marco," I said, hanging up on him and turning to face Eren who had gone quiet awhile ago.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, waiting for him to meet my eyes. He slowly turned to face me, biting at his lower lip and his brows furrowed with worry. 

I gently ran my fingers through his hair, "Are you okay?"

Eren nodded, glancing away out the window, "I'm just a little nervous is all... What if he doesn't believe me?" He asked quietly.

"Eren..." I couldn't help but feel pain shoot through my heart seeing the way he stared out the window, as if desperately begging that nothing would go wrong. I didn't blame him though, too much really had gone wrong in his life, it was about time that we fixed all of that. "I'm sure he'll believe you, he wouldn't have agreed to meet us if he didn't. Remember, were doing this for you and Mikasa. I know it's hard, but I'm here for you okay?"

His eyes quickly glanced at me and then back out the window, a sad smile taking over his gorgeous features, "I know, you always have been."

"And I always will be," I leaned forward and placed a small kiss on the side of his head and then rested my own forehead on his shoulder. "You have to be brave, this will all be over soon but right now you have to keep being strong. I know you can do it, you're one of the strongest people I know."

"Thank you Armin," his shakey voice whispered. Eren wrapped his arms around my back, holding me tightly against him as if I'd disappear if he let go.

I leaned back to look at him, smiling I said, "You don't need to thank me. We're going to get through this... Together."

Eren smiled back and this time I could see the genuine happiness that sparked in his enchanting blue eyes, "Together," he repeated. 

We sat there for awhile, neither of us really keeping track of the time. Time didn't matter when we were together, it became a foreign concept as soon as Eren was close. Sometimes it would fly by, but other times it was as if it was going by in slow motion. 

We talked for a bit of that time, about anything and everything. And we kissed, a lot. I'm sure we probably kissed more than we talked but we couldn't help it. My lips craved Eren's and I'm sure it was the same for him. Eren even cried a bit, which didn't surprise me much.

He was so exhausted with dealing with everything, and he let it all come pouring out. I listened and held him when he needed me to, comforting him with my words and my touch the best that I could. He cried over his mother, telling all these happy stories from when she was still alive. He cried over all the times Grisha had abused him, verbally and physically. Eren explained all the worst parts that he had been keeping to himself.

He told me how sometimes what Grisha said to him hurt more than his fists. He told me how his father used to take objects to throw at him or hit him with. Eren explain how the belt was usually the worst, the welts it left hurt for days and when that was gone all that was left were big, ugly bruises that caused even more pain.

Eren told me how every inch of his body was constantly aching, sometimes the headaches he would get were almost unbearable. All the times his head had been hit and slammed into things was really taking a huge toll on him. He told me how Grisha never allowed them near any of the medication in the house, so the best Mikasa could do for his headache was give him ice-packs.

He told me how many nights he would spend over the toilet throwing up his stomach after being kicked in the abdomen one too many times. He even told me about the time his father pushed him down the stairs and how he had been so sure that he had broken something, the immense pain within in his shoulder had lasted for days.

I listened to everything he said, hanging onto his every word. And when he cried again I held him, and I cried with him. I cried for him, almost feeling the pain he had gone through. My heart ached for him, yet all I could do was cry.

When we were left with nothing to say and no more tears fell, we finally moved. We went to my bathroom, filling the tub with steamy water. We sat on separate sides of the tub, enjoy the warm water surrounding our drained bodies and the peacefulness of just being with each other. For the first time in a long time we felt okay again. While the pain was still there and life was still slowly spiraling downward, the two of us sitting together in that tub were, for the moment, okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters always contrast so much like 22 Armin was all Eren let me in your goddamn house and now in 23 Eren's all Armin I'm staying in your goddamn house
> 
> I think this might end with 28 chapters (I hope it does at least) but there's a chance that I'll write more extra chapters so who knows.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed anyways. Feedback is seriously always greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading!


	24. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so late (it was supposed to go up Saturday) but thanks to Hurricane Matthew I lost power for almost four days and when all my stuff died I had no way to edit or write. But that's all over now so who cares, right?
> 
> Anyways, literally this is another useless chapter that's making this fic longer than it needs to be (hopefully that doesn't bother anyone). But this one I really couldn't resist writing.
> 
> So!! I hope you enjoy a very late chapter 24 and ALSO if you were hit by the hurricane I hope you're safe and everything turned out okay!!

He stood with his hand outstretched towards the door, slightly shaking but otherwise not moving an inch. We had been there for a while, perhaps even a few minutes. I knew he was nervous and didn't want to push him to do something that he wasn't ready for, but there was a room full of people behind that door who were probably wondering where we were. I bit my lower lip trying to keep from saying anything, though at this point I was beginning to realize that if I waited for Eren to be ready he would never open the door.

I let my breath out in a quiet sigh, a cloud of hot air forming in front of me as I shifted from foot to foot. Finally I spoke up, cautiously as to not make him any more on edge than he already was, "Eren, they're waiting for us, we can't stand here all day."

Eren huffed out a breath, his hand still extended in the air, "I know that I just..." He trailed off and then mumbled, "give me a moment..."

So I continued waiting for him to move, the only sounds filling my ears was our soft breaths paired with the mumbling coming from the other side of the door. Finally, his hand wrapped around the door handle, gripping it so tightly his knuckles turned white. He slowly turned the handle, letting out one final sigh as he opened the door and stepped into the room which had immediately gone quiet at our entrance.

Though Hanji was quick to assault us, throwing her strong arms over both of our shoulder and pulling us close. We both cried out in surprise as she practically strangled us against her, speaking in a loud voice, "Boys! We were beginning to think you weren't going to come! Don't worry us like that next time! How come you didn't answer Marco's text?!" 

About that... Just this morning when we woke up we found out that Grisha had dropped Mikasa's phone from his plan. It was now officially unusable in terms of communication, not that anyone else would know that. Eren had freaked out about it for quite some time, causing us to miss our fist three classes. Eventually I was able to calm him down enough to get dressed and on the town bus that would take us towards school.

I started to explain, "Well... The thing about that is-"

Hanji cut me off, "Never mind that!" She then released our necks from her almost suffocating grasp, only to push us forward towards the table full of people. "Say hello to Mr. Pixis!"

Before us sat the typical teachers and Marco, all accompanied by an older looking man with wrinkly skin, a shiny bald head, and a fluffy grey mustache. He smiled kindly, his presence was calming and I could tell that just seeing this man had relieved a lot of nervousness that Eren had been harboring over this meeting.

"Please, take a seat," the old man motioned to the two empty chairs in front of him and we cautiously followed his orders.

"We'll leave for now," Erwin told Pixis, who only nodded his head firmly and then turned back to us.

He waited until everyone was gone to begin speaking again. Instead of going straight to questioning us, he started telling us about himself. He told us how he has been an attorney for over twenty years and specializes in child abuse and neglect cases. Some of the cases he worked with were far more horrifying that what Eren had experienced while others barely seemed like a problem at all. Pixis had worked all types of cases with many different types of people; he knew what he was doing.

We were in there alone for quite some time, talking to Pixis as if we were meeting up with an old friend. He even got us telling him about ourselves, nothing related to Eren’s case just yet. Eventually though, we all knew that we would have to talk about Eren and his father. Pixis was able to ease us into that topic with no problem at all it seemed and by the time he did all nervousness had left the room. We were completely comfortable talking to him, that was probably just a charm the old man had learned through years of experience.

He got Eren to say just about everything that he told me, some of which he hadn’t even told anyone else yet. The information was offered up willingly by Eren of course, but not without any type of smooth persuasion by the lawyer sitting before us. I was sure he was born to be a lawyer but what I couldn’t understand is why he’d be working at such a small unknown firm. He could really make it big if he chose to work somewhere else.

But maybe he was happy where he was, doing what he was. Who was I to say anything about what he was doing with his life when I could barely control my own? Pixis seemed happy with his job, helping children in the small run down town of Shiganshina. I guess even towns like this, that have been abandoned and betrayed by just about everyone else, need someone to bring peace. Pixis was the perfect person for that job, he must have known that.

After about two hours of speaking with him, and yes even I told my side of the story, everyone else was let back into the room. Pixis spoke with all of them, the teachers telling him what they had gathered and concluded through all of this and Marco adding his thoughts and suspicions that he had of Mikasa, which was surprisingly a lot.

Marco told us that this was all supposed to be kept a secret, but he knew that he had to tell us. Mikasa had been earning a weekly allowance for keeping Eren’s abuse a secret. Not only that but Grisha had given her another phone some time ago that he’s still paying for because, according to Marco, the line still works. Apparently she only had Grisha and Marco’s numbers saved on it.

It didn’t stop there, sadly. Mikasa had been keeping tabs on the police and every time we reached out to them Grisha had been making her pay them to keep them quiet. She was also in charge of keeping Eren quiet about it all, taking care of him and making sure that he wasn’t talking to anyone behind Grisha’s back.

It was surprising to everyone to hear this but I could tell that it especially shook Eren. His face had gone white and he was barely responsive to his surroundings; I knew he had heard too much. I had to get him out of there. I gripped his large hand in mine, rubbing my thumb in slow, gentle circles. He flinched at first, his entire body going stiff before he relaxed into the touch. His eyes fluttered closed and he sighed softly, letting the hold on his hand calm him down.

I cleared my throat speaking over Hanji’s loud screeching and Levi scolding her as Erwin tried to get both of them to quiet down. “Um, excuse me…” Everyone turned towards me, the room going completely silent. “Eren and I are going to go now, you don’t need us for anything else right?”

“Well-,” Erwin began to speak but Pixis cut him off, glancing at Eren with a warm smile as he spoke.

“You two can go, I’m sure you need some time alone after all of this. I’ll be seeing you boys again, thank you for giving me your time today.” He ended with a firm nod, folding his hands in front of him as he went back to talking with the teachers.

I nodded, standing up with Eren as we grabbed our stuff. I said a quick goodbye to everyone and left, walking outside of the room to see Eren waiting just outside of the door for me. He was leaning over the railing, down at the empty classrooms and silent hallways, void of anything other than scattered papers that were probably some unfortunate kid’s homework. I stood next to him, leaning against the frozen metal. I could feel the cold from it seeping into my thin green jacket but I paid no mind.

“You okay?” I asked, not looking over at him.

He shifted besides me, shaking his head slightly, “I never would’ve guessed that she would be helping him. Why? Why would she do it?”

“I’m sure she has her reasons,” I told him, trying my best to help him find comfort in such a baffling situation.

"What reasons? It makes no sense,” Eren scoffed, pushing himself off of the railing and turning away. He began walking down the hallway, speaking to me as if he expected me to follow him, “That doesn’t matter right now I guess… I’ll just talk to her once this is over.”

I did follow him, jogging to catch up. I didn’t comment any further on the matter because what else could I tell him? I was just as surprised and confused by Mikasa’s actions as he was. So, the walk to bus and even the ride home was complete silence between us. Occasionally Eren would check Mikasa’s phone, as if he would somehow have a message. There was nothing bad about hoping, but he knew just as well as I did that the phone didn’t work anymore.

We didn’t speak until we were back at the house. Eren had been rummaging through the kitchen, searching the almost empty cupboards for something to make for dinner. It had been quite a while since I last went shopping and I never thought Eren would suddenly start living here. What I had now was barely enough to last two people more than a few days. But with the little money that I receive from my parents, I’d be able to buy us more food soon. We just have to wait for my allowance to come in. If push came to shove I could spare a few dollars from my savings that I kept under my bed.

“How about rice and fried veggies?” Eren asked, leaning into the pantry as if he would find some hidden gem. I’m sure all he found was cobwebs and stale cereal.

“Do we even have vegetables?” I asked, my science notebook open in front of me as I worked on my homework. The sounds of my pencil scribbling over wrinkled paper filled the room like a quiet buzz.

“I think I saw a few in your fridge, it should be enough,” Eren stood up, stretching. He twisted right and left, his joints popping and cracking. He sighed in relief before throwing his head back with his eyes squeezed shut. I wished we could just get all of our problems with Grisha over with so that Eren would finally have that weight lifted from his shoulders. It was hard seeing him like this and knowing that I couldn’t do anything more than I already was.

He put a pot of water and rice on the stove and began boiling it before he searched for usable vegetables. Internally, I was thankful that he didn’t comment on how little food, that was still edible, I currently had. It didn’t even seem to bother him, if anything he seemed happy to be cooking us dinner using whatever scraps he could find laying around the kitchen.

Eren hummed a soft tune as he cooked and even though it was freezing outside and almost just as cold inside, the atmosphere still felt warm. I was happy. For once, I could say that I was generally happy where I was. Even though my parents left and I lived in such a horrible rundown town and Eren’s father had abused him and now we were bringing him to court, I was happy.

Sitting at the small kitchen table that probably should’ve been replaced years ago, listening to water boil and Eren hum, I was at peace. I knew life would be okay if it stayed like this. Even when the world around us was hectic, I was at peace when Eren was by my side. He made me want to take care of myself and others, to care about where I was going in life, and to try my best to make something out of what I had. He was my main source of motivation in the middle of all of this disappointment and disasters.

“Here you are,” a smiling Eren stood next to the table, holding two steamy bowls. He placed one on his side and then the other in front of me after I had moved my homework off the table. He then sat down across from me and blew on his food in an attempt to cool it down.

It was rice, vegetables, and some sort of sauce. I wasn’t sure what he used but whatever it was, it smelled amazing. I took a whiff and sighed pleasantly, “Thank you.”

Eren looked back up at me, smiling again, “Of course, it’s the least I can do as a thank you for letting me stay.”

“I’ve already told you-,“ I started but Eren cut me off.

“Yeah, yeah,” he waved a playful hand in the air, “Let me guess. ‘You don’t need to thank me; you can stay any time. Blah blah blah.’ Right? I still want to thank you… I want to show you how much it means to me.”

I was left speechless by his words and settled for stuffing my face with the food he had made instead of responding. Eren laughed at this but dug in as well, we were both starving by now anyways. We spent dinner time talking like a family finally sitting down together after a long day. I was nice to say the least, I never knew how lonely I felt living alone until I finally had someone with me again. Afterwards we both finished our homework, Eren showered, and then we were off to bed. We snuggled under the blankets, enjoying the warmth of our bodies pressed together.

The next day after school we were both expecting to see Pixis again once we walked into the class. Instead we were greeted by a dimly lit room with only three people in it, chatting amongst themselves. We wearily made our way over to the trio, taking two of the left over seats at the table that could fit six. They ignored us for a few moments until they finally seemed to come to a decision and then turned to face us.

“Hello boys, it’s good to see you!” Hanji greeted, the few lights that were on in the room reflected off her glasses making her look crazed. Well, more crazed than usual if that was even possible. She just had this ‘insane’ aura around her but with the lighting the way it was, she looked even more psychotic.

“Uh… Yeah… Hi?” Eren said, rubbing the back of his neck, “What’s going on? Where is everyone else?”

“Pixis couldn’t make it today, he had some sort of personal business that he needed to attend to. We told everyone else not to come,” Erwin informed us, his large arms crossed over his chest. He seemed uncomfortable for some reason, though I wasn’t sure what could make a man like him look so uneasy.

“So then why are we here? Is it because you guys couldn’t contact us?” I asked and began to stand up, “Sorry about that, we can go now.”

“Sit,” Levi harshly commanded and I was quick to listen, instantly plopping back down into the cold metal chair. He continued, “We didn’t tell you two on purpose, there’s a reason for that…”

“And that reason is?” Eren asked, sounding slightly irritated. He was leaning on the table, brows furrowed and lips turned down into a frown.

Hanji cackled, drawing everyone’s attention to her. Levi rolled his eyes and covered his ears right before she let out a loud, ear-piercing yell, “We’re going to be giving you boys the SEX TALK!” She practically sang the last two words.

I felt my stomach drop at those words, and I was sure that my face had turned at least ten different shades of red by then. Eren, by contrast, had gone completely white. His eyes wide as he frantically shook his head, trying to convince himself that he hadn’t heard her right. But Hanji spoke far too loudly for either of us to misunderstand what she had told us.

“W-we really d-don’t… I-I mean… y-you don’t h-have to…” I stumbled over my words in embarrassment, my face probably turning a brighter shade of red.

“Actually, w-w-we do have to,” Levi mocked me, sighing. He didn’t seem want to be doing this any more than Eren or I did. “If you two haven’t gone at it like rabbits by now then I can assure you that it will happen soon. You’re two teenage boys, now living alone together, and you’re in a relationship. Somethings bound to happen and if I were to take a wild guess I’m going to say that neither of you have ever spoken to a parent about safe sex, or at least how to have safe sex with another man.”

Eren and I both shook our head, slumping as we gave into the torture that we knew we were about to endure. They should have told us about this earlier so we would at least have some time to prepare ourselves for the torment that is about to ensue. Though, if we had known then we probably wouldn’t have shown up, so maybe this is for the better. This was something that we’d need to know about if we ever began to think about taking the next step in our relationship. Not that it would be happening anytime soon, or so I hoped.

“Don’t worry, we’re going to make this as quick and as painless as possible,” Erwin muttered, not looking either of us in the eye.

“And since I’m the science teacher I get the duty of explaining it all!” Hanji squealed, seeming to be enjoying this a whole lot more than she should be. I couldn’t help but sink further into my seat, maybe if I curled into myself enough I would just disappear and then I’d never have to have the sex talk. Why did it have to be our teachers of all people? Where were my parents at a time like this? Gone.

“I was in charge of bringing supplies,” Levi smirked and held up a large black back, filled with whatever ‘supplies’ he was talking about. He wiggled it in the air a few times before dropping it on the table directly in front of us, as if urging us to take a look. Neither of us moved.

“I’m supposedly here for moral support,” Erwin shook his head. He had his arms crossed over his chest like a pouting child and I would have laughed if I wasn’t currently having an internal panic attack.

“We really just wanted to make him uncomfortable,” Hanji sang and then cackled loudly, throwing her head back. Even Levi smirked at that one. I might have even let myself smile too if I wasn’t so busy trying to find the fastest way out of the room.

“Anyways, we don’t want to make this any longer than it has to be, so let’s just get it over with,” Levi paused, reaching into the large bag on the table and rifling around for a second before pulling a box of condoms out. “Condoms, fucking use them. No if ands or buts, use them. If you don’t want diseases just use them.”

While he was speaking, Hanji had opened the box and torn one of the packages open. “If you don’t know how, its simple.” She placed the condom on two fingers, “Make sure this side is up and then just roll it on, got it?” She stopped talking when she got distracted by the condom, trying to turn it into a slingshot to launch small pieces of paper at Erwin.

We both nodded slowly, neither daring to speak. Levi continued, ignoring Hanji as he threw a bottle that he had pulled out of the bag at us, “And lube, I’m sure you know what it is. Your ass is going to be sore enough as it is but it won’t be as bad if you use lube. Also, don’t think you can just stick your dick in right away,” Levi held up his hand, curling his pointer finger into his thumb and leaving a small hole.

Suddenly Hanji was trying to roughly jam three fingers through the hole he had created, “See! It just doesn’t work.” She laughed when Levi swatted her hand away as she kept trying to push her fingers through his.

He kept his hand held up, giving in and letting Hanji do what she wanted as he kept nonchalantly speaking, “Make sure whoever is the bottom, you know the one getting fucked-,” it seemed as everyone had turned towards me when he said that, oh so eloquently might I add, “-is prepped before you even think about sticking your dick in there. It’s not meant to be painful so if it really hurts then someone is doing something wrong. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both people, so don’t just rush into things.”

“The first couple of times try to be especially careful, get to know what each person does and doesn’t like. And don’t be afraid to try new things as long as it’s safe and consensual on both ends,” the entire time Hanji was talking she had two fingers through Levi’s, moving them in slow twisting and scissoring motions.

Neither seemed to care that Hanji was basically fucking Levi’s hand, both of them casually speaking as if nothing was going on. Though Erwin was a completely different story; his face had gone more red than mine felt, though I’m sure I probably looked just about as embarrassed. Eren had seemed to get over his earlier embarrassment, leaning forward as he eagerly listened to the two teachers. He was taking in every detail, it looked like he was taking mental notes for future use. That thought made something churn in the pit of my stomach, though I wasn’t really sure what that feeling meant.

“Since we’ve gone over the most of the important stuff… Well there’s just one more really important thing, probably the most important. Make sure that you have your partners consent, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing. If your partner isn’t sure, doesn’t feel comfortable, or flat out says no then stop. Don’t blame them either, in a healthy relationship you should be willing to wait,” Hanji tells us, her face flat and serious even though her fingers are still situated in Levi’s hand.

“Eventually you both will probably be ready, so be patient. If one of you doesn’t think they’ll ever want to be that intimate with the other, that’s okay too. Don’t force yourself into something you aren’t comfortable with just to make the other person happy. Again; if it’s a healthy relationship they will understand and won’t try to push you,” Levi finished, pulling his hand away from Hanji to shove the black bag towards us once more.

“That’s all for you guys to keep, please use it. We just want you guys to be safe, that’s all,” Hanji said with an unusually warm smile.

“Thank you,” Eren said happily, grabbing the bag in one hand and my own hand in his other.

“Uh… yeah, t-thank you,” I muttered awkwardly, squeezing Eren’s hand with my own. I wasn’t really sure how to feel about all of this, but I was glad that our teachers took the time to do this for us nonetheless. We probably would’ve done something wrong if they hadn’t of helped us, of course I was grateful. But even then I was still embarrassed beyond belief, who wouldn’t be? Well, Eren apparently.

“Can I leave now?” Erwin asked, already standing up and making his way to the door. Levi waved him off, too busy trying to push Hanji off of him to care. Erwin said a quick goodbye and then was gone in a matter of seconds.

Eren and I were left to watch as Hanji forced Levi to make a hole with his fingers again. She had pushed him off his chair and to the ground, grabbing hold of one of his wrist while dodging his other hand that kept trying to push her away. We sat in amused silence as they wrestled on the floor, both of us waiting to see how Levi was going to react.

To our surprise, after a few moments of struggling he began to shout, “Get off four eyes! This isn’t consensual! You’re setting a bad example! Close your eyes boys!”

Hanji cackled loudly, the ear piercing sound echoed throughout the small room, stopping her attempts and pouting as she asked in a whiney voice, “Levi, please can we finger fuck again, please?” She batted her eyelashes, smiling wide as Levi sighed and held up a hand in defeat.

Hanji happily stuck her fingers back in his, though Levi ignored her and turned to speak to us instead, “See, that was a great example of how things should work,” He then looked back at Hanji, “If I was to say no you would stop and get off, right?”

“In an ideal world yes… but to tell you the truth probably not,” She laughed then turned to us and spoke seriously, “But consent isn’t a joke. Levi and I have been friends for a long time so I know he doesn’t care and we really are just fooling around. But it’s different for you two so make sure to keep the other person’s feelings in mind.”

We both nodded and Eren threw an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him, “I’d never force Armin into anything he doesn’t want to do,” He said confidently.

“Goo-,” Hanji began to say but was cut off by her own shriek as Levi flipped their positions and pinned her to the floor. “Ooo, Levi, I didn’t know you had it in you,” Hanji purred with a playful wink, laughing loudly as he rolled his eyes.

The four of us stayed in the classroom until it began to get dark outside, slowly I became more and more comfortable around the two teachers. They were a lot different outside of class, but I didn’t mind. They were good people and I was thankful for everything that they had done for us. If nothing else, I think I’d gain a few close friends out of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YoooOoOo I wrote this just for Levi and Hanji honestly I couldn't resist. Their friendship in this gives me life and I wanted to write more of it (comedic relief??? Maybe, who knows??)
> 
> This chapters a bit short but I was rushing to write and edit it, hopefully there aren't too many mistakes. I hope you enjoyed chapter 24 anyways, thank you all so much for reading and feedback is always super appreciated!!


	25. The Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo late chapter again. I've been busy with finals since some of my classes are ending but that doesn't matter.
> 
> I think this arc is finally coming to an end, thankfully. Eren being abused isn't fun so I'm glad that's over.
> 
> Anyways enjoy another late chapter!

It had been about two weeks since we had the dreaded "sex talk" with Hanji, Levi, and Erwin. Since then we had met with Pixis a few more times to talk about Eren's father and finally, he set up a court date for the trial. The trial began yesterday and both Eren and I had to be there to speak. We wouldn't have to be there today though, the teachers would be telling their side and then Grisha's fate would be decided.

That was probably why Eren had been so on edge today though I didn't blame him. What was he supposed to do if Grisha was found innocent? I was just as worried as he was but I couldn't let it show; I had to be strong and support him through this. For once Eren was the one who needed me and I was ready to be there for him.

We sat in Levi's classroom even though he wasn't there, he had given us a key to it yesterday. The warm sun flowed through the small cracks in the closed blinds, serving as the only source of light in the otherwise dark room. Eren was in his usual seat, draped over the desk with his head buried in his folded arms. I had been rubbing his back for quiet some time and if his breathing was anything to go by, it sounded as if he was about to fall asleep.

For the past three nights he had been having trouble falling asleep and every time he finally did doze off he'd wake up screaming. Nightmares, I assumed. But I couldn't know for sure because he refused talk about it, whatever it was had him a shaking, crying mess every time he was startled awake. He was exhausted because of this so I was glad that he was getting a small amount of rest even if it was at school on an undoubtedly uncomfortable desk.

His breathing had evened out, his entire body seemed to become a relaxed heap of limbs that would occasionally shift. I smiled at the sight of his sleeping form, still rubbing his back in slow, soothing circles. I leaned forward, listening to make sure that he was fully asleep before I pressed my lips to the top of his head in a gentle kiss. I couldn't help myself, he was too adorable all bundled up in his fluffy winter jacket and with a scarf messily wrapped around his neck.

I ran my fingers through his silky hair a few times before leaning back in my seat and crossing my arms over my chest. It was still fairly cold outside since we were still in the middle of winter in Shiganshina; where summer was cold and winter was brutal. Thankfully though, today had been one of the warmer days that we've had recently. Even then, the room was freezing and outside was even worse.

A sudden loud banging on the door startled Eren awake and I couldn't help but sigh as he glanced around the room, his eyes still hazy. Of course someone had to wake him up right after he was finally getting some sleep. I stood up, walking over to the door to see who was there. No one should have come here since Levi wasn't at school today. They knew he didn't have class, though maybe someone missed the memo.

I opened the door, eyes widening in surprise to see four figures standing in front of me, smiling happily. "Uh... Hey guys, what's up?" I probably sounded just as confused as I felt. Weren't they supposed to be in class?

"Hey Armin! It's been awhile bro!" Connie pulled me under his arm and I squeaked when he began ruffling my hair. 

"Let go of him Connie!" Sasha laughed as she shoved him away from me. She quickly fixed my hair and I said a quiet thank you, still dazed and confused by what was going on. "Is Eren with you?" She asked, trying to look past me to see into the dark classroom.

"I'm right here," Eren suddenly said from the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. He yawned, wiping tears away from his eyes as he looked around at everyone. "Did something happen?"

"We heard about the trial," Jean spoke up. "Marco told us-" he nudged Marco in the ribs with his elbow as he said this, "-so we thought we'd come make sure that you're doing okay."

"Well actually, we wanted to know if you would like to come to breakfast with us?" Marco smiled and suddenly the world seemed a lot brighter. We really did have great friends. Even though we hadn't been able to talk to them much recently, they were still here to support us.

"We'd love to," I told him, making the decision for both Eren and I. Eren needed to get his mind off of things and this was the perfect way. Plus I really did miss spending time with our friends; even if it had only been a little over two months, it felt like we hadn't seen each other in forever.

"Also..." Marco started carefully, nervously twisted his foot back and forth, "I hope you guys don't mind but I've been telling Connie, Sasha, and Jean everything that's been going on. They've just been so worried about you two so I thought I'd just let them know you're okay."

"That's fine Marco, we don't care," Eren shrugged, "They're our friends, we'd want them to know anyways. It's not like they wouldn't find out eventually."

Marco nodded, seemingly relieved to hear Eren say this. Eren and I quickly grabbed our stuff from the classroom and I locked the door behind us as we left. We followed our four friends out of the school, apparently Erwin had gotten them permission to do this. Eventually we found ourselves standing in front of a diner that Eren had brought me to. It seemed like that was forever ago by now, I didn't realize how much I missed coming to this place.

We walked inside the old building, the bell above the door chiming familiarly as we made our entrance. The small woman behind the counter looked up when she heard this and a huge, gleeful smile spread across her kind face.

"Eren! Armin!" She squealed, running around the counter and over to the door to pull us into a hug. "I haven't seen you two in forever! I was beginning to get worried that something happened! Y'all have been okay, right?" 

"Hey Petra, we've been okay. Life has just been a bit hectic so we haven't had much time to stop by," Eren said as he wrapped an arm around her, clearly enjoying the hug. Petra always had been a motherly figure to him so it must have been nice to feel that same comfort after so long.

She let us go, quickly greeting the other four people before leading us to one of the large circle booths that sat in a corner. We all took off our jackets and slid into the old booth the creaked underneath the weight of six teenagers. I was between Marco and Eren, squished between the two slightly larger bodies, not that I minded since it was a good source of warmth. We went around the table ordering our drinks. After jotting everything down Petra told us that she'd be right over and skipped off to the counter.

"Ah, I've missed this place," Jean, who was sitting on the other side of Marco, sighed as he folded his arms behind his head. "She really does make great food."

"Yeah, my family used to come here every Saturday but after my Dad lost his job we haven't been able to come very often," Connie added.

"There's been a lot of people losing their jobs in Shiganshina lately," Sasha said, humming as she tapped her chin.

"Well a lot of businesses have been closing, most because they just can't afford to stay open. Plus people have been moving to some of the larger, more thriving cities. I don't blame them, I'd leave this place as soon as I had the chance," Jean told her, gazing up at the ceiling.

Those words struck something deep within me. It gave me that same feeling that I practically grew up with, the need to escape. I knew I wasn't the only one who wanted to leave this town and never look back, but I never really thought about it. Sometimes it felt like I was the only one struggling to escape the strong grasps of Shiganshina but clearly other people had been trying just as hard.

It didn't surprise me that even my friends wanted to leave since now was the best time to do it. If we didn't take the chance to leave during high school then we've practically bound ourselves to the town. It was a lot harder to leave Shiganshina once you were out of school and expected to get a job to support yourself. Many of the people that lived in this dilapidated, deserted town were adults for this very reason.

The adults never stopped telling us to get out while we still could, if we didn't want to die here that is. But it was never as easy as they had made it seem. We couldn't just leave a town when we had no where to go and practically no money to get us there. It was even harder for the kids who still had families, they couldn't just leave their family behind. They were expected to stay here and support their family, like that was their fate.

Shiganshina had a large amount of runaways because of that. We saw missing posters all the time but we all knew that they weren't really missing. They had gone out into the world to make a life for themselves and we were happy for them, relived even that one more person was able to leave. Sometimes they'd come running home a week later, unable to deal with the harsh realities of the world. But most times they were never seen again and we could only assume that everything had worked out in the end.

"My parents have been talking about moving out to the city," Sasha sighed, leaning on the table with a pout. She was one of the few people who was actually adamant about staying in Shiganshina. Though her family were hunters and owned a large farm so living here was much simpler for them. She could easily stay here and live a happy, comfortable life.

"What about you Armin? I thought you lived alone so why haven't you left?" Connie asked innocently but my stomach filled with dread. He couldn't have known that talking about the fact that I lived alone, that my parents were in some other part of the world without me, would upset me.

I shrugged the feeling off and gave a simple answer, "Money."

They all nodded understandingly but they understood nothing because that was a lie. The truth was I had saved up more than enough money to pack up all my stuff and leave. The thing that was actually keeping me here was Eren, I doubt he wanted to leave. He had too much to leave behind here.

Though he surprised me when he spoke up. "Honestly...," Eren started, looking down as he twiddled his thumbs, "If I was ever given the chance, I'd leave Shiganshina. If there was nothing holding me back I'd probably be gone already."

I felt a warmth spread in my chest, maybe it was happiness or hope but who knows. What I did know was that I had a chance to leave and still have Eren by my side and at that moment, that was all that really mattered to me. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised that he wanted to leave, there were too many bad memories clouding his life in Shiganshina now. He's lost just about everything that had some sort of meaning so he had less holding him back.

"My parents want me to stay and take over the family business-" Marco's family owned the only local bakery left in the town, "-since its been in the family for so many generations already. But I don't know... I want to make a life for myself somewhere else... You know? I don't just want to settle on living in a place where my further will be so uncertain."

"We get it," Jean told him, leaning into Marco's side, "Everyone else feels the same way, besides Sasha but she's a different story. I'm sure your parents will understand too, they only want what's best for you."

Marco was staring down at his hands that rested in tight fists in his lap. "Yeah...," he mumbled, and I swore I saw a faint blush spread across his cheeks. I smiled to myself, knowing exactly what Marco had been feeling. Even though Jean swore he was straight, I'm sure he would still date Marco. I kept quiet about it, knowing that they'll most likely work it out for themselves eventually; relationships take time.

"Hey... Why does Armin have that look like he knows something that the rest of us don't?" Connie asked, drawing my attention away from the two boys to my left.

"Hmm? I have no clue what your talking about," I told him, feigning innocence. 

Sasha leaned across the table to get a better look at me. "No, I see it too," she said, squinting her eyes.

I laughed, "I don't know anymore than the rest of you do."

Connie looked like he was about to say something again but was cut off by Petra bringing our drinks over. Once we were settled with those she took our orders and quickly went off to make our food. The sweet aroma of coffee mixed with whatever Petra was currently making filled the air. Sasha was practically drooling on the table, groaning something about needing our food to come faster before she died of malnutrition. We all knew that would never happen but didn't bother to comment on it.

There was light chatter within our own table and small conversations traveling around the rest of the diner. The clinking of dishes and utensils along with running water filled the empty spaces in the background buzz. Outside, snow was beginning to slowly drift to the ground again. I watched as white flakes clung to the window which was fogging with the temperature differences between the cozy diner and the nipping cold of outside.

It was comfy, sitting here with all of my friends enjoying breakfast. Eren was smiling and talking with everyone, his mind distracted from the trial that was still going on in the courthouse. This was nice and probably exactly what he needed. Sometimes I forgot that we had friends to give us moments, breaks, like these. And I was grateful for their care and for their company, as was Eren I'm sure.

Suddenly a strong arm wrapped around my shoulders, Eren pulling my against the warmth of his side. He smiled down at me, practically glowing against the dim lighting above the booth we sat at. I snuggled into his side, closing my eyes as I leaned my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beating against his ribcage. Yeah, this was nice.

"Awe, look at how sweet they are," I heard Sasha cooing but didn't bother to open my eyes.

"You two really do make a good couple," Marco commented. Jean muttered something next to him but I couldn't quite make out what he said.

Eren pulled me closer with one arm and worked on draping his coat over me with his other. Then I felt him lean his head on my own, his steady breath falling over my hair. I could probably stay like this forever, even if my stomach was beginning to growl. I could ignore my hunger for Eren, or so I thought until I heard Petra as she began placing our dishes on the table.

I quickly sat up at the smell of food as it was placed in front of me, suddenly very aware of how hungry I really was. Petra made sure we had everything and then left to attend to other customers. We were quick to dig in, the table washed by silence besides the occasional pleased hum or clunk of dishes hitting each other.

It was coming up on the end of January, Eren's case was finally taken to court, and we were sitting in our favorite local diner having breakfast with some of the best friends that we could ask for. The only thing that could ever make this any better was if Grisha was found guilty and Eren talked to Mikasa again. 

It had been two weeks since they last talked to each other, as far as I knew. I hadn't seen them together at all. Actually, what I saw was Eren avoiding Mikasa at all cost even when she was trying so hard to get to him. I refused to help her, I couldn't after what she did to Eren. It made me sad to see them like this but Mikasa made some bad choices and she needed to fix that on her own.

Breakfast disappeared fairly quickly and so we split the bill and left to make our way back to school. We strolled along the snowy sidewalk, taking our time because at this point none of us really cared that we were missing class. Well, Jean kept complaining that he couldn't miss algebra but other than that we were fine with skipping for now.

Back at school, when Eren and I were alone in Levi's room again, the air around us grew tense. The end of the day was coming closer and closer. Eren looked as if he wasn't sure if he wanted it to come faster or if he never wanted it to come. His conflicted thoughts were clouding his mind as he stared in front of him, eyes unblinking.

I stayed silent, knowing that he needed this time to think. He needed to be able to get his thoughts together before the teachers came back with the news. Though with the small amount of time we had left before they would return, I wasn't sure if he'd be able to.

Sure enough, by the time the teachers came through the door, flipping on the light switch, Eren was still in the same position. Though his attention was drawn away from his thoughts as soon as he heard them enter. He stood up eagerly, hands resting on the desk as he leaned forward, waiting to hear what type of news they had for him.

Levi held up a hand, "Calm down, we're not telling you anything.-" Eren's shoulders visibly drooped at this, "-Pixis will be here in a few minutes, we'll let him tell you."

Eren nodded, sitting back down with his hands folded together in a tight fist resting on top of the desk. The teachers spread out in the room, all taking seats to finally relax. They probably had a long, stressful day. Thankfully this was all finally coming to an end.

The door opened again and a smiling Pixis walked in, holding up a folder as he spoke. "Good news everyone!"

"So... What happened?" I asked cautiously, both Eren and I sat on the edge of our chairs while we watched Pixis as he sat down. He put the folder down on the desk, letting the same warm smile grace his features as he regarded us.

"Eren... Your father was found guilty," Pixis said bluntly, sitting back in his seat.

Eren let out a sigh, his eyes growing wide as he whispered, "It's finally over."

"Well... Not completely," Pixis told him, his smile quickly dropping.

"What do you mean?" Eren ask, fear instantly filling his voice.

"Calm down, it's nothing bad. They had a doctor examine him and the doctor officially diagnosed him with schizophrenia. They think it was triggered by your mother's death, which is rare but it's not entirely unheard of so I can't say I'm surprised. His lawyer decided to use this and he got off of jail time on an insanity plea. But, because of this he has been sent to a mental hospital in the city where he will be receiving the medications and treatment that he needs. He will have lots of one on one time with therapist and doctors, which right now he could really use. Of course, it might cost a lot but he will be able to afford it with what he has in his savings and it will be worth it in the long run. They think that with the medications, your father will be able to get better, Eren," Pixis concluded, leaving us all speechless. 

The room was silent, all eyes drawn to Eren. We were waiting for his reaction, watching as he processed everything that Pixis just told him. It took awhile for him to fully comprehend the words but when he finally took everything in it really hit him, hard.

A single tear rolled down his tan cheek and then another on the other side. It continued as more and more tears flowed down his face and fell onto the desk below with light plops. And then it traveled to his body, his hands flying over his mouth as he tried to stop the sobs from escaping. But it was no use, even with his hands there we could all hear it.

His body began to shake with every harsh cry that hit him, they came in unstoppable waves. I stood up, walking around the desks to get closer to him. Without any warning I pulled him into my arms, holding his head against my chest while he stayed sitting. I was bent at an awkward angle but with the way he gripped onto my shirt like it was the only thing he had left to hold onto, I didn't mind. He cried into my chest, soaking my shirt with tears and snot and drool.

The tears flowed freely as I embraced him, cooing kind, gentle words to calm him down. I stroked his hair, letting the strands tangle around my fingers. Slowly, he calmed down and was reduced to whimpering against me, his arms wrapping around my waist while he tried to steady his breathing.

I leaned back, wiping the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs as I asked him, "Are you okay?"

"I... I think so," Eren told me, sounding unsure of himself.

"Are you upset about how everything worked out with your dad?" I questioned, tilting my head.

"Huh? No! I'm happy, I want him to be okay. Those... Those were happy tears," he smiled as another tear rolled down his flushed cheek. 

I wiped that one away too, smiling as I leaned closer to his face. "Then I'm happy to," I whispered, locking our lips together. He tasty salty from the tears, his soft lips already wet from crying. 

"Alright!" Levi called, causing us to jump apart. Both of our cheeks flooded red with embarrassment when we remembered that there was still a room full of people watching us. "Enough with the PDA. Eren, I'm very happy for you. But it's getting late so you two need to head home. And don't come to school tomorrow," he paused to glare at us, "I mean it, you need time off."

"Thank you Levi," Eren said, standing up and slipping his coat on. I got my own on too and we grabbed our stuff and said quick goodbyes to everyone. We made sure to thank Pixis for all of his help and then the teachers too. Afterwards we were off, walking down the empty hallways off the school with our hands linked together, swinging between us. 

Our footsteps echoed around us, along with Eren's soft humming. His face was bright, happy in a way that I hadn't seen in months. And that happiness spread to me at the sight, like it was flowing from his fingers to my own. A genuine smile graced my face, the cold air biting at my skin and causing my cheeks to turn a light rosy pink. I sighed quietly, wishing that winter would be over already.

"You're okay right?" Eren asked, still looking forward, still smiling that same happy smile. There was a bounce to his step, vesus the way he had been practically dragging himself around. I'm sure he felt much lighter now that this weight, this emotional urgent has finally been lifted from his shoulders.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I laughed, still swinging our arms.

"This couldn't have been hard on just me, I wanted to make sure that you were comfortable with everything. I want you to be happy."

"If your happy then I'm happy," I told him like it was the most natural thing to say.

He stopped, facing me but his smile never dropping, "Armin, I really, really love you."

"What's this all of a sudden?" I laughed, taking my hand out of his so I could face him better.

"I just want you to know how much you mean to me," he leaned down, snaking his arms around my thighs and lifting me up into his arms. I squealed, my hands flying to his shoulders to steady myself. "You mean the world to me by the way."

From the way he was holding me, Eren had to look up. I enjoyed this sudden change in hight, looking down at him with a fond smile. "Well, I love you too," I leaned down, rubbing my nose against his. 

He laughed, his grin growing wider, so wide that it looked like it hurt his cheeks. "You're so adorable."

"No I'm not..." I pulled back, looking to the side as I felt my cheeks heat up.

"Yeah you are," he walked forward a few steps, pushing my back against the cold wall. He kept his strong grip on my tights, though now I was low enough to be face to face with him. "You're the cutest."

He peppered small kisses all over my face, finally planting one on the tip on my nose. I giggled, throwing my arms around him in a tight hug and burying my face in his neck. Even then he kept going, kissing my head. Then my shoulder and up to my neck. The tip of my ear and down along my jaw. Across my cheek once more until finally his lips met my own. 

I pressed up hard against him, capturing the kiss and taking immediate control. Our motions were sloppy and eager, breathing heavily through our noses. When we pulled away I panted, trying to regain my breath. Eren looked unfazed though and he only studied my face as I struggled to breath normally again.

"Stunning," he grinned, nodding as if to agree with himself.

I gently slapped his shoulder, laughing breathlessly, "Stop it."

"Okay, okay," he chuckled, pulling me away from the wall so he could gently set me down on my feet again. 

I wobbled for a few seconds, getting back my balance. Eren laughed, holding my waist to help me steady myself. I smiled at him as a thanks. Looking back at him though, I already missed the feeling of his strong arms holding me up, our chest pressed together and his light kisses leaving a tingling sensation trailing across my skin.

Any sort of contact with Eren seemed to have that effect on me actually. Something about his touch lit a fire inside of me like no one else could. His mere presence, that beautiful smile, filled me with a happiness that I never thought was possible. My heart ached in the best of ways and staring into those sparkling green eyes of his I knew that this was what love felt like. It was a love that ran so deep that it was embedded in my entire existence, a feeling that I would never be able to escape. It was stronger than any bout of depression or anxiety that threatened to take over.

Eren held out a hand, getting down on one knee and bowing like a prince would, "Shall we?"

I let out a fake surprised gasp, one hand resting against my chest while the other was placed in the hand he had extended out for me, "How charming...Let's."

His stood back up, intertwining our fingers once more. We swung our arms as we walked and I could feel my heart pounding away in my chest. Yeah, this was love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twenty five chapters already! I'm!!!! So happy!!
> 
> This totally sounded like a conclusion but it's not over yet! There's still about four or five more chapters before the epilogue. I'm so excited for where this will be heading next, finally some happy!!Also the end wasn't supposed to be that cute but things happen. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed! Feedback is always greatly appreciated I love hearing your thoughts! Thank you for reading and following along honestly I don't deserve the support I've been getting but it means a lot!


	26. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the last time I updated was October 20th (over three weeks ago??) and I'm honestly super sorry about that. Life has been shit but you know, we move on.
> 
> Anyways I apologize, I swear I'm trying to update whenever possible and I never meant for there to be three weeks in between chapters. We can forget about that now that I'm finally updating I guess.
> 
> I hope your able to enjoy this chapter after such a long wait, hopefully it doesn't disappoint too much. Anyways, thanks for reading and I hope you like chapter twenty six.

Brisk gusts of air brushed over our flushed cheeks as we walked down the long driveway shaded by tall, looming trees. We pulled our coats closer, buried our faces deeper into thick scarves. Heavy plastic bags crinkled with each step we took, weighed down with the groceries that we could finally afford to buy.

It had been exactly one week since Grisha's trial and life had returned to something that was beginning to resemble normal. There had been both good and bad days though we got through them together. The good days were spent with friends, old and new, laughing and just being able to finally enjoy ourselves. The bad days had consisted of snuggling under warm blankets on the couch with the curtains drawn and only the soft glow of the television lighting the room.

We were finally able to work on picking up all of these broken pieces that had been shattered over and over during the past few months. It was a struggle, to say the least, but we were still giving it our best effort. Both Eren and my grades had plummeted, though once the teachers had been informed of our situation they'd given us a chance to make up all of the missed work. There wasn't much left to worry about with school after that. 

One of the biggest problems that was still haunting the back of our minds was Mikasa, who neither of us had seen in over a week. Eren wasn't willing to look for her after hearing everything that she had confessed to Marco some time ago. If he didn't want to see her then I would fully support him, even if I didn't agree one hundred percent.

Mikasa was still my family and so I cared for her like she was. She meant the world to me but so did Eren and she had hurt him more than I ever thought possible. I could understand him not wanting to even attempt to reach out to her after such a shocking betrayal from one of the people that he had trusted most. 

She hadn't been attending school, from what I had seen, either so we hadn't even run into her there. It was as if she disappeared from the face of the earth. That or she was holed up at Eren's old house wallowing in the misery and guilt of what she had done to her only brother. It sounded harsh but reality wasn't always pretty and she needed to own up to what she had done sooner rather than later. If she didn't then there was a high chance that Eren would never be able to forgive her; I didn't blame him.

Eren hummed gently as a silence lulled between us, his soft voice floating through the air and setting my body at ease. He hummed with the light chirps of birds that hid in the forest, just barely loud enough to be heard over the soft ruffle of the dying leaves of trees. His breath came out in hot, steamy puffs that slowly dissipated into the freezing air, crawling towards the sky to escape the frozen ground.

It was finally February which was probably one of the most brutal months in Shiganshina when it came to the weather. Most days I'd wake up with the urge to curl further into the warmth of my comforter and fall back asleep. It was hard to force yourself out of bed when the cold that was just outside threatened to turn you into an ice sculpture. It snowed the most during this time too, meaning that we got a few days off of school every now and then.

Today had been one of those days where the school decided that a foot of snow was too much for us to attend so we were told to stay home. Eren and I, of course, used this as an opportunity to finally get some shopping done. We had been living off of whatever scraps we could find around my house for the past week which hadn't been the healthiest option but it was all really had at the moment. Eren also needed some things since he was still settling down in his new home, our home. 

He had come to the conclusion, after Grisha's trial, that he would be living with me from here on out. He told me flat out that he didn't want to go back to that house that held so many negative memories and I was perfectly okay with that. His presence was a blessing and waking up to his relaxed, sleeping face every morning was, decidedly, one of the best ways I could start my day.

As creepy as it probably seemed, I enjoyed watching him sleep and then slowly go through his typical waking up process. He'd shift for awhile before that turned into restless tossing and turning, most of the time he would begin hog the blanket as if that would allow him to fall further into sleep. But it never worked, instead his eyes would slowly flutter open, glancing around the dim room as he got used to the light flowing in through the window. He would yawn, stretching a few times before he sat up to face me.

Even though it was nice watching him sleep, he was a sight to behold really, this was still my favorite part. He would sleepily pull me against his chest, snuggling me against his warm body as he left trails of light tingling kisses on my face and along my neck. Sometimes he'd fall back asleep like this and I was never too far behind. It was reassuring to feel his body so close to my own every night, like I had finally found the missing puzzle piece.

He was that missing piece, the one thing that my life could never be without. While many things in my life were easily replaceable, Eren was not one of those. I wouldn't be able to find the same bond, the same love in anyone but him. It wasn't as if I was worried about losing him to begin with though, since he seemed to need me just as much as I needed him. 

Eren never failed to tell me how much he appreciates me being there for him, in his life. Or how much my presence has changed his life for the better and that he didn't think he'd be able to live on if I wasn't beside him. Or, my personal favorite, how much he loves me.

He liked to tell me how endless his love for me was, how deep it ran as it weaved itself within his existence. To Eren, his love for me was another part of who he was and without it he would be empty, a lost soul with nothin left to hang on to. I was skeptical at times, wondering how it was possible to feel such unadulterated love, but then I felt the exact same thing he was feeling coursing through my entire being. That's when I knew he was telling the truth, because our love was one in the same.

We were just sophomores, two boys that lived in the same house with no adult supervision. Left with just each other and our undying love for one another. I was okay with this, as was Eren, but many others were not. Quite a few people took it upon themselves to express their concern of a situation that didn't involve them. They didn't understand what we had gone through, how much we needed each other. They didn't understand the bond we shared.

On many occasions we had been told that it wouldn't last, that eventually we'd lose interest and grow apart from each other. The only thing we could do was laugh silly comments like those off because those poor people knew absolutely noting. They didn't understand the relationship between Eren and I even though they still decided to give their opinion. We didn't let it bother us, they would never understand, not until they had felt the same love that continued to fuel us each and every day.

Others would tell us that it was dangerous for the two of us to live on our own. Yet these same people would have brushed us off if we had begged them for help when Eren was being abused. We scoffed in their faces, not to be rude but we couldn't help it because they didn't understand. They were ignorant to our lives and yet still believed that they could dictate what we should do with them. 

We had people tell us that we couldn't live like this forever, that something would have to give eventually. And this, for once, was partially true. We wouldn't be able to live in this small house in the middle of the forest, living off of the money my parents would send me. But that was why we continued to try hard in school and build something for ourselves. So that when all of this support fell away, we would still be okay. We assured these people that it would all work out in the end, even if they didn't believe us. 

At the house, we dropped the bags of groceries on the counter. I scanned the mess of plastic that covered the kitchen, there was more food in those bags than I had seen in months. I hadn't exactly been eating properly, most nights I didn't have an appetite to begin with. At first, Eren blamed this on himself and would apologize every time he saw the way my ribs jutted out with pale skin stretched over them. And I would reassure him every time that I had done it to myself, and that eventually I would get better. 

We unpacked the food together, stuffing the fridge and pantry to the brim until there was barely any room left. I couldn't help but smile seeing all of this food; for once, the kitchen looked complete. It had felt empty for awhile, like it was missing something. Apparently that something had been food and finally I was able to feel a warmth spread through me as I sat down at the small table with a soft sigh.

Outside, the snow had begun to fall much faster. Thick flakes clouded the sky and I could barely see two feet past the cold glass of the window that separated me from the icy outside. I was glad that we had made it home before that started; it was already tough enough walking home with arms full of heavy grocery bags. Adding snow to all of that would only make the trip that much harder.

After the groceries had been put away a faint sizzle and small pops filled the room as Eren began dinner. He would cook most nights, he said he didn't mind, though I'm sure it was mostly because I was a horrible chef. He was nice enough to eat the food I prepared, but I know we both preferred his cooking over my own. He had told me on a few occasions that his mother had shown him how to cook this or that; these stories were always followed by a far away look that consumed his eyes paired with a fond yet despaired smile staining his face.

During dinner we'd sit across from each other, somethings eating in a comfortable silence and other times the space between us would be filled with mindless chatter. Either way it felt natural, like that was the way that things were supposed to be. We were meant to be sitting in that small house, squished at a table that barely fit two while sharing meals, I was sure. It seemed like the world had bigger plans for us and our future together, and I was okay with that.

This was the life we had created together and we were blissfully living alongside one another. It wasn't anything close to perfect, but that was okay because we were okay. Our life together wasn't something that others dreamed of having but it was stable enough at this point and that was all we could ask for.

After dinner was over was when the sudden change in our new daily schedule began. We were in the process of cleaning and putting away the dishes along with any left overs when three sharp knocks against the front door echoed throughout the house. We paused, unsure if we had actually heard something or if it was just our imagination but that was when the knocks repeated themselves in the same manner.

Eren put down the dish he was holding, drying his hands on a towel as he walked towards the door and then throwing it over his shoulder. I followed silently behind him, curious as to who would be visiting us at such an hour. It was rare that people showed up at our house anymore, other than friends who only came when invited. Even then, most people would come over during the day and had to be getting fairly late by now.

He opened the door, freezing in place when he saw the person standing nervously on our front porch. I glanced around him, unable to hold back the shocked gasp when I saw Mikasa shifting back and forth under the scrutiny of our surprised gazes. This was the first time since the trial that she's tried to contact us, I'm sure she now knows that Eren has found out what she did. She would have came sooner if she didn't, right?

"What do you want Mikasa?" Eren spat at her, venom practically dripping from his voice.

She flinched at the harsh tone, burying her face deeper into her scarf as she mumbled an unsure response, "I wanted to talk to you."

"I don't want to hear anything that you have to say to me," he scoffed, shaking his head. "I think your actions spoke loud and clear; I've heard enough."

"Eren please..." She began to beg, desperation seeping into her voice, "I'm sorry, okay?"

"You're sorry?" He laughed bitterly, "Do you really think that being _sorry_ is going to fix anything? What makes you think that I'd ever forgive you after what you did to me?"

"You don't have to forgive me!" Her voice was shaking at this point. "But I need you to know that I didn't want to hurt you, that was never my intention, I swear it wasn't!"

"And how am I supposed to believe that? Do I trust your word after you lied to me for... how many months?" He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest with a heavy sigh. "You're just as bad as Dad, you had a choice but it seems you made the wrong one. That's on you, it's not my problem anymore."

Mikasa was left in a stunned silence, a cold breeze blowing past her and into the house caused me to shiver. I could only watched as they stared at each other; Eren with disgust and Mikasa with pleading desperation. My hands reached forward, resting on Eren's hips as my thumbs rubbed soothing circles into the skin underneath his shirt. It had to be hard for him to finally see her again, so I'd try my best to support him.

"I have nothing more to say to you. You can leave," Eren told her, watching her every move as she debated whether or not to listen. She seemed to go through some sort of internal struggle before she was filled with another wave of determination.

"Eren, I know wha-"

"Mikasa," I cut her off sharply, surprising even myself. I continued just as strongly though, "He told you to leave, I think it'd be best for you to just go."

"I-" she paused, gripping her scarf tightly in the fist she was staring down at, "Alright... Alright, I'll go. I'll leave. Good bye Eren, Armin."

We watched as she turned away and walked down the steps of the porch, stumbling slightly on the gravel driveway. We didn't move from our spot until she was gone from our sight, swallowed by the heavy snow and the darkness of the tall forest surrounding her. Once the door closed, Eren brushed snow off of himself, shivering at the sudden coldness encasing us.

"Come on," I grabbed his wrist, "I think I put some blankets in the dryer."

He sat on the couch as I made my way to the laundry room, opening to dryer to see that I did, in fact, put blankets in there. I pulled one out; it was still freshly warm and the heat seeped comfortably into my skin. Returning to the living room, I snuggled into Eren's side and draped the blanket over us. We sat quietly for awhile, finally allowing ourselves to process what had just happened. 

"Do you think she's actually sorry?" Eren asked eventually, his voice light and quiet as if he were afraid to speak too loudly. 

"I couldn't tell, but I'm sure she feels guilty or else she wouldn't have come," I told him honestly, listening to his heavy heartbeat in his chest. It was a smooth, rhythmic thumping and I would've let it put me to sleep if I didn't think that Eren needed me awake at the moment. He had to get his thoughts out of his mind if he wanted to feel better and I was here to listen.

"I don't think guilty is enough for my to forgive her, but I don't think feeling sorry is either. It's so frustrating because I want to forgive her but every time I think of her I feel so betrayed. When I saw her standing outside I just wanted to slam the door in her face but I couldn't," Eren said, running a hand through his messy hair with a heavy sigh.

"You don't have to forgive her but I think it would be good if you tried. Maybe not anytime soon but eventually you should take the time to talk things out with her. She's the only stable family that you have left and I'm sure that you don't want to lose her too."

"You're right," he draped his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer against his chest. "I'll speak to her. Not now and probably not in the near future, but eventually. When it hurts less, I'll try to make up with her. I don't want to lose the relationship I had with her because of what our father did to us. I know it wasn't her fault but I can't help but blame her."

"That's okay too, you're still dealing with everything he put you through. Knowing what she had done on top of that makes everything worse. But even so, I think it's worth trying to speak to her when you feel up to it."

"I will, some day," he leaned his head on top of my own, "What would I do without you?"

I giggled quietly, a hot blush spreading across my cheeks that I tried to hide by burning my face in Eren's chest, "I'm sure you'd be okay."

"I'm not sure about that, you've done a lot for me. I'm not sure I would have every gotten out of that situation if it weren't for you," he slowly trailed off, an underlying fear lacing into his words and constricting his lungs so tight he was left breathless. 

"You would have eventually, you're stronger than you think. But that doesn't matter because your father is gone and your okay now, we're okay," I comforted him, grabbing his hand to intertwine our fingers. 

"We're okay," he repeated as if he had to reassure himself that it was true. After a long pause he spoke again, this time much softer, almost hesitant. "Can I tell you something?"

"You can tell me anything," I said, though slightly confused as to why he'd even ask such a question. Of course if listen to him, wasn't that obvious? Maybe not to him.

"I'm..." He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing more steadily, "I'm scared, of a lot of things. I'm scared of my father coming back and hurting one of us, or even Mikasa. If he comes home I won't be able to save her and I'm afraid she won't be strong enough to fight back. I'm scared that one day I'll lose you, maybe to some stupid mistake I made or if you get tired of me and decide that you don't want to continue our relationship. I'm afraid that one day I'll be left with no one and I'm not sure what I would do if that happened."

I was stunned by his words, unsure of how to respond at first, unsure of how to ease away his fears when I was afraid of the same things. "Eren... Mikasa is a strong person," I started, "If your father ever did come back she would be able to protect herself and this is probably the first place she'd run to, she'll be okay."

I paused, trying to figure out how to properly word the next part to get my point across clearly. After a few moments I had gathered my thoughts enough, "And as far as our relationship goes... I don't think I could ever get tired of you. Ever time I look at you... Every time I just get this feeling and I know that what we have is right. That's a feeling that I wouldn't give up for the world; I'd like to continue our relationship for as long as possible, and if possible, then forever. And I know we've fought before but we struggled through it and look where we are now. I truly believe that we'll work out in the end.

Even if we don't work out, if we eventually mutually decide that it would be best for us to split up, I would still be there for you. I'm your best friend and your boyfriend right now and if we break up only one of those is going to change. If we aren't together I'll support you as a best friend, I'd never let you be alone."

"Do you promise?" His voice cracked as he asked.

Eren was a broken person, cracked to the point that he was probably unrepairable. He had gone through so much that it had permanently changed him and not necessarily for the better. The outgoing, determined person I knew before was brought down to an unsure, lost boy who was afraid of the world around him. I'd like to believe that somewhere in him, he was still the person that he used to be. But even if he wasn't, even if he had completely changed for good, I'd still be there for him.

I was willing to take Eren as he came because I love him. A love as strong as that doesn't change when the person changes. It only mends itself to learn to love that person and every new side of them as they come. A love like that develops with the person and with the relationship that you have with them. Never in a million years would I stop loving Eren; that is what I believed, in my eyes it was an undeniable truth. 

Even when he was underneath me with his arms wrapped tightly around my body, his chest rapidly rising and falling as he tried to hold back tears, I was willing to love him. No matter what form Eren came in, he was still Eren and to me that was all that I needed. 

"I promise," I squeezed his hand tightly in my own, noticing how badly it was shaking but not bothering to comment on it. 

Maybe that was all the reassuring that he needed or maybe he was still trying to untangle his mess of thoughts but he didn't comment any further on the subject. Instead he sat quietly with me cradled in his arms, our faces barely visible under the pile of blankets that covered us like a protective shield. 

Even though February seemed to bring nothing but lower temperatures and higher bills, I still allowed myself to enjoy the brighter sides of things. Like the freshly fallen snow that I was met with on Saturday morning as I peered out the large window in the kitchen. Leftover snowflakes were still slowly drifting to the Earth, though there was so little that it was barely noticeable.

It was decided that Eren and I would take a quick walk before breakfast, just to enjoy the scenery while the beauty of it still lasted. After awhile the snow would melt and turn to slush which was at that point only considered an annoyance. It was amazing how fast the things in your life changed, even the things as simple as snow. 

We pulled on our outside wear: coats, hats, gloves, scarves, and tall boots, and left the house, leaving the door unlocked behind us. We walked down the driveway hand in hand and I could almost feel the heat that radiated off of Eren through the material of our gloves. The snow, which was a bit higher than our ankles, crunched underneath our boots. With every small gust of wind snowflakes would rain off of the leaves of trees from above.

It was serene outside, quiet in the best possible way. The sun hadn't yet risen above the trees so we were left walking in the strange twilight between night and morning. It was cold out but it wasn't the harsh kind of cold that stung your skin and made your eyes water. Instead it was a comfortable sort of chill that was a welcome contrast against the heat that many layers of clothes brought. 

Though the air seemed to grow uncomfortably still the further down we walked, as if we were prey that was unknowingly walking straight into a predators trap. It filled my body with a strange buzz of discontent and I couldn't help but squeeze Eren's hand just a bit harder. My heart began to painfully pound against my ribcage, begging to be released. My lungs burned as I struggled to take in air and my body began to sweat underneath my many layers of clothes.

Where was this strange feeling coming from? I knew what the feeling was, I had dealt with it my entire life, but what was the cause? There was nothing around that would trigger this sort of reaction and yet the anxiety that began to constrict around my body was telling me otherwise. It was like my bodies way of warning me that something bad was about to happen, but what?

The feeling only grew worse as we continued down the path and I tried to hide it, I swear I did, but sometimes Eren was too perceptive for his own good. He looked at me a couple of times as if he were trying to figure out the cause of this sudden attack but not even I knew what it was so I doubt he found anything.

"Armin, are you okay?" He eventually stopped us to ask me, holding onto my waists to support me. I was glad for that, without his strong grip I probably would've fallen over.

My entire body had begun to violently shake though I wasn't sure exactly when that started. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I struggled to take in air, my hand clutching my chest, nails digging into the fabric of my jacket. I tried to speak, to tell him that I was okay, but the words refused to come out.

Apparently I had leaned too much weight on him because I fell through his grasp. I landed on my knees in the snow, the cold seeping into my clothes and dampening my pants, curling in on myself as if that would protect me from my own body. But the feeling never left, my lungs still felt as if they had collapsed and my body only shook harder and harder. The only sounds I could force past my lips were low, breathy whines. And then, I was consumed by darkness and the blissful relief of finally being able to breath again.

When I woke up I found myself on the couch wrapped in a few layers of blankets. Eren sat at my feet, watching me with a nervous expression, his hands grasped together tightly in his lap. When he saw my eyes slowly open to meet his he was quickly on his feet and then on his knees at my side.

"Are you okay? You just passed out I-... I was so worried but all I could do was bring you home, you wouldn't wake up no matter how many times I called your name. I couldn't do anything and I was so damn scared, Armin," he rambled on, his voice quivering just as badly as his hands.

I felt drained of all energy, like I could fall back asleep at any moment, my body felt lifeless and light. But I forced myself to speak, even if it took more effort than it should have. "I'm okay I just... I'm not sure where that came from..."

"It's been awhile since you've had a panic attack, I thought something was seriously wrong," Eren told me, brushing my hair out of my face; it was getting longer. 

"I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late. I guess I just got so used to living without them that I forgot what I felt like. I couldn't calm myself down by the time I figured out what was wrong and so... Well, you saw." 

"I have to keep a closer eyes on you," he shook his head as if he were scolding himself, "I can't let that happen again, I was so afraid."

"That's not something for you to worry about, I'll be okay," I tried to reassure him but it was hard when my heart was still hammering inside of my chest.

"Of course it is," Eren leaned in closer until our noses were lightly touching. "You're my boyfriend I have to worry about you," he said with a goofy grin stretching his cheeks so wide it looked painful.

I playfully rolled my eyes, a grin threatening to break out on my own face. "Yeah, yeah, come here."

I took my arm out from underneath the blanket, tangling my fingers in his hair as I brought his lips to my own. Slowly, my heartbeat went back to its normal lazy thumping and the shaking in my limbs went away. My body was able to calm down on its own this time though I'm sure that the boy who had draped himself over me before falling asleep was what really calmed me.

It was nice to have someone to share moments like these with, the good and the bad. Someone who was willing to accept that I wasn't perfect and I required more care than the average partner. A person who didn't get annoyed by my anxiety but instead comforted me when I needed them to. Who took the time to make sure that I was okay and forgive me for the mistakes that I'd make. Who needed me in the same way that I needed them and was willing to reciprocate my feelings for them. It was nice to have Eren by my side.

Even when he was crushing me into the couch, unconscious and drooling on my chest, I was grateful to have him. Many people don't get the pleasure of meeting the love of their life until they were older and more mature. But me, I was lucky enough to have known him almost my entire life. He had always been there ready to care for and support me no matter what life had thrown at me; he was there. Eren had been the one anchor that continued to hold me down when things became rough, when everyone else had already given up on me.

I was lucky enough to have Eren by my side, or right now on top of me. And looking at his face, listening to his soft snoring and heavy breathing, I filled with a warmth that I didn't think was possible. I was filled with a love that seemed almost unreal but watching his chest slowly rise and fall I knew that this couldn't be fake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Broken ft. Broken boys who still love eachother even though life is rough and they're just big messes.
> 
> I'm just gonna say really quickly that I always appreciate all forms of feedback so please don't be shy about it. I love hearing your thoughts. And also if you're still somehow following along (I know I make it pretty hard) thank you so much. Even if your not following along, thank you for reading it really does mean a lot.
> 
> So, I hope you enjoyed chapter twenty six and I will do my best to update by next Wednesday-Friday (somewhere around then)


	27. The City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late but we won't mention that...  
> I had to delete a large part of this chapter which was annoying but it's all good now  
> I don't have much else to say for once so please enjoy chapter twenty seven

Awhile had passed with no shocking events that would ultimately create even more damaging ripples that traveled through our lives. Instead we were left with the calm serenity of absolutely nothing. The occasional wave would pass by and quietly crash on the land before retreating back into the water. Our lives, to anyone else, would most likely be considered boring, maybe even a little too normal.

But this was the way we liked it; without problems. We have had enough excitement, as one might call it though Eren and I could come up with a few more words that may better suit the situation, to last us ten lifetimes. We were, do I dare say, happy with our current lives. What we had was enough to please us and even what we didn't have it seemed we were fine living without.

The rest of the school year had gone by much quicker than I would have liked it to, though now we were finally able to relax as summer rolled around. The winter was harsh and more than a few blizzards had hit his year but we made it through. We were smart, we could survive even through such a dangerous storm. 

Most days during such weather we'd sit in the dark house, since most times we'd lose power for a few days, drinking hot chocolate that we had warmed over the gas stove. We'd cuddle for warmth under blankets and make shadow puppets on the ceiling with flashlights. We'd play hide and seek which we found was much more difficult when you couldn't see and after we'd stare out the window and try to spot stars in the sky past all the snow and thick clouds.

It was childish and simple but it was fun nonetheless. We learned to be optimistic about our situation because we already knew how bad life could get. A blizzard was nothing compared to losing both your parents which we had both gone through in different ways. A blizzard didn't purposely hurt you or betray you. There was no reason to be pessimistic about such a beautiful thing that nature had provided us with.

We let ourselves admire the snow piles in the driveway and front yard, the way trees drooped under the weight of freshly fallen snow. The sun shining bright against a light blue sky, finally seeing the earth after being blocked out for so long.

But it was summer now and all of that had disappeared long ago. It wasn't what most people would consider warm just yet but we still walked through the woods in shorts and cotton t-shirts because we finally had the chance to get outside without being cocooned in several layers of clothes. We would take what we could get at this point; fairly warm weather was good enough for us.

Eren and I had kept in contact with out friends even after school had ended. With the money Eren was getting from the state, since his Dad was still recovering, along with some of the money I was receiving from my parents, we were able to pay for phones. I still had my savings hiding under the bed though I knew that Eren knew about it. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it from him so I wasn't surprise to walk in the one day to see him holding the jar.

Though what did surprise me was the wad of money that he was trying to shove into it; the jar had gotten pretty full. He only smiled sheepishly and continued even as I tried to convince him that he didn't need to do that. Eren only told me that it was our savings and he was allowed to add to it. That shut me up, though only because of the warmth that spread through me with those words.

Our savings. I couldn't be sure how long he had been adding to them for but I was grateful for it. Eventually we had to put another large jar under the bed so that we could keep saving. I think he knew what I was saving for and I could only hope that if and when I did leave he would come with me.

We still hadn't spoken to Mikasa since the day that she showed up on the front steps. We didn't try to contact her and she never tried to get to us. Maybe it had become some mutual agreement that we'd give each other time but I had assumed that they would make up by now. I guess I was wrong. It still hurt to see them act so cold towards each other but there was nothing I could do other than slowly ease them back into some sort of relationship. Doing so, I later found out, was much harder than it had seemed.

I tried for quite a few weeks to get in contact with her, through the phone and in person. Neither of which ended up working as she had avoided me whenever possible in person and blocked my number as soon as she had found out if was me who texted her. I tried to go through Marco too but she wouldn't even speak to him anymore. I was worried about her; it couldn't be healthy to be so closed to the world and so cold to the people around her. But what did I know? Maybe she was just as happy as Eren and I. If that was the case then I had no right to interfere with her life, it wasn't my place to tell her that she needed to change the way she was living because I knew nothing about it. It hurt to know that we had grown so far apart in such a short amount of time.

Eren didn't want to talk about her but occasionally I was able to get him to speak his mind. He had told me that he wished they hadn't grown so far apart but he really truly believed that it was for the better. He didn't think that they had the ability to have any sort of relationship anymore; I can't say I'd agree to that, not that I'd tell him this part.

Mikasa aside, everyone else in our life we spoke to frequently, along with some of the teachers who had helped us with Grisha. Sometime towards the end of the year we had agreed to take a trip to the city together. It was supposed to be Marco, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Eren and I originally but things changed shortly after we made the plans. Hanji had overheard someone's conversation, I assumed Connie and Sasha considering how loud they could be, and decided that it wouldn't be smart for six high-schoolers to go to the city alone.

As much as I didn't want to, I agreed with Hanji. Going there without any adult supervision probably would be dangerous. Though at the same time going with Hanji to supervise us would be even more dangerous; which is how Levi ended up adding himself onto the long list of people that would be attending the trip. I didn't mind the extra company since they were both people I trusted and got along with and no one else seemed to mind either. 

When June fifteenth finally arrive the air was filled with a nervous sort of excitement. Eren and I would be getting a small glimpse at the lives we could one day be living. What scared me the most was that we might not like what we see and instead settle for little old Shiganshina. I knew I wouldn't be happy if I stayed here but if the city couldn't even wow us where else was there to go?

I didn't think about it for too long because thoughts like those were only allowed to haunt the back of my mind. Otherwise I'd fall into the dark pit of my own mind and who knew how long it would be before I dragged myself out? It was uncertain, sometimes it'd take only hours while other times it could take weeks to see light again; I wasn't willing to risk it, especially since we were due to leave any time now.

Eren and I waited on the front porch, sitting on the bottom step with our duffle bags resting at our feet. The light breeze caused goose bumps to raise on my skin and sharp shivers to crawl down my spine but I paid no mind. I was too busy intently watching where the trees parted and the driveway disappeared. Hange said she had a van that she and Levi could pick us, along with Marco, up in. Jean would be driving Connie and Sasha in the truck that his dad had bought him not too long ago.

Eren perked up at the sound of crunching gravel, a large navy blue van slowly rolling into view accompanied the sound. He was quick to his feet, grabbing his bag along with me in one swift motion as he charged forward like an excited dog. I was able to grab my bag at the last second as I flailed behind the energized tornado that was Eren Jaeger.

The car stopped in front of us, the passenger side window rolling down to reveal a grinning Hanji leaning forward to see us past a very content looking Levi. It was a strange look on him though not entirely unwelcome; I was convinced that his face had permanent wrinkles from frowning but looking at him then I could see that I was wrong.

The back door slid open, Marco smiling cheerfully as he hopped out and asked Hanji to pop open the trunk. He helped us shove our bags in the back and then we all climbed into the van. Marco and I sat in the middle two seats while Eren spread out in the last row. It was surprisingly spacious, even though I was the smallest of us three, but even Eren and Marco looked like they could comfortably stretch out.

"Did we make you wait long?" Hanji asked as she pulled out of the driveway and onto the winding road that would lead us out of the woods.

"No, only a few minutes, we didn't mind," I told her, folding my hands on my lap as I leaned forward to speak to the two adults in the front.

"Well Levi decided last minute that he wasn't happy with any of the shirts he had chosen so we had to wait for him to repackage his bags," she laughed, nudging his side with her elbow the best she could while driving. Hanji was a surprisingly good driver from what I could tell which I found an odd sort of comfort in.

"That's a lie stupid four-eyes. You thought that I wouldn't notice that you had repacked all of my shirts the night before, as if I wouldn't notice," Levi scoffed, elbowing her back though much harder than she had. Hanji only cackled, clearly amused with herself.

"You go to each others house?" Eren suddenly spoke up from the back where he had been sitting silently up until that point, startling both Marco and I.

"Well yeah, we've known each other for a long time," she said with what sounded like a wistful sigh but I could never be sure with Hanji. Then she sang out, "Haven't we Levi?"

He let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as he responded, clearly irritated, "Unfortunately." 

"Awe, come on little Levi," Hanji whined, the pout obvious in her voice, "you know you love me!" 

Levi hummed in response but said nothing further on the subject, leaving the rest of us to ponder that strange conversation. They had told us before that they'd known each other for some time but they seemed to be even closer friends than I originally thought. If anything, they most resembled an old couple but with lots of extra energy and anger.

The rest of the conversations during the trip were about the same as that one had gone. Marco, Eren, or I would say something and then Hanji and Levi would bicker back and forth for awhile until they got tired of talking to each other. The empty air was filled with idle chat between the three of us in the back to rows until we said something that one of them felt the need to respond to. At that point the cycle would start all over again.

It wasn't bad or annoying; it was interesting listening to them talk, sharing their life experiences. I learned that they were both single and lived fairly close to each other though most nights they'd both be in the same apartment, usually alternating between the two a few times during the week. Hanji said it was because they both got lonely living by themselves but Levi kept denying it, claiming that he only spent the time with her because if he left her alone she'd probably do something dangerous and kill herself.

I assumed it was actually a mixture of the two though I'm sure that Hanji was being a bit more truthful. Either way it seemed nice that they kept such a close knit relationship, almost to the point that they seemed like a couple. It was an odd thought that I didn't let myself ponder on for too long since it wasn't any of my business to begin with.

It took awhile of driving through the thick woods for any sort of civilization to come into view. At first it was a few towns here and there that looked just about as run down as Shiganshina did though some were in better shape than others. Eventually we made it to the suburbs that surrounded most of the city, the tall, towering glass buildings finally coming into view.

I could feel my heart racing in my chest; for once it was in excitement instead of fear and it was an amazing feeling. The buildings grew taller and taller the closer we got and the sidewalks became more and more crowded. People bustled about in their daily business, ignoring one another as they pushed through the mob of people. I could only watch in fascination as we sat in the traffic that would lead us into the city. 

The roads here were far more busy than any road in Shiganshina, though the roads in Shiganshina were filled mostly with school buses and town buses. There was no point in having a car unless you planned on leaving, not that many people could afford one anyways. 

But here in the city it was a completely different story, everywhere you turned there were cars and people. The roads were packed with traffic and the sidewalk was a sea of people struggling to move past one another. The city was lively compared to old, dilapidated Shiganshina and I was sure that it was a place I could get used to. Even if every person here frowned at you as they pushed passed or if every car would honk angrily the longer they had to sit in traffic for, I would learn to deal. 

We reached our hotel not long after, thankfully it was on the outskirts of the city so it didn't take too long for us to reach. When we arrived Connie, Sasha, and Jean were already unpacking their stuff from the small truck they had been cramped in. We exchanged greetings as we stretched out our limbs after such a long car ride. 

At the hotel we had been split into three groups for our rooms, even though Hanji insisted we would be fine with only two, Levi continuously rejected the idea. So, Hanji and Sahsa shared a single-bed room. Levi and Marco also decided to share a single-bed room since according to Levi he "wouldn't be able to handle anyone other than Armin but we all know he won't leave Eren's side." It wasn't a lie so I couldn't object.

That was how the last of the rooms was formed, a double-bed room that consisted of Connie, Jean, Eren, and I. Of course Eren and I would be sharing one bed while Connie and Jean shared the other. That's where the problems commenced since neither Jean or Connie wanted to sleep next to each other. They proceeded to spend half an hour wrestling on the bed over who knows what until Levi, who's room was right next to our own, marched over and promptly ripped them off of each other. To avoid any more issues we decided to call down for a cot that Connie happily claimed as his own.

Once our rooming situations along with all of our stuff had been put into place and settled, we finally allowed ourselves some time to wander the city. The sun had fallen far past the horizon by now, the area surrounding us only being lit by the florescent lights of the bustling city around us. It filled me with a magical sort of happiness, one that I knew Shiganshina would never be able to provide. 

The streets were barren at this time of night, most people were already home and preparing for bed before they'd have to wake up and repeat their daily routine. But it was a different story for us, we were here purely for our own enjoyment.

I turned to look at Eren who had also been glancing around at the overwhelming city, but instead of seeing the reflections of bright lights in his eyes, I saw myself. It was surprising, not only because he chose to stare at me over the beautiful world around us, but also because of the happiness I saw on my own face. The smile that stretched my cheeks sore along with the faint sparkle in my eye could almost be considered just as dazzling as the city.

And Eren smiled back the same smile with the same sparkle in his eyes and the only thing my brain could force my frozen body to do was grab his hand in my own and squeeze it. He squeezed mine back, hard enough to the point that it kind of hurt and left a faint throbbing afterwards but I ignored it because I could tell that he had felt the same surge of emotions that I had. 

We decided that we'd split up into our own groups since we all wanted to do different things. Levi and Hanji left together to go find a place to "not get drunk we're only having a few drinks Hanji, stop whining." Sasha quickly stole Marco saying that she needed his help in finding a candy shop, which wasn't the least bit surprising. Connie, almost as fast as Sasha had, grabbed Jean telling him that they should find a nearby arcade.

I was left alone in front of the tall hotel with Eren, watching our friends' backs as they all took off in different directions. Even Eren, who I had to jog to catch up to, had begun leading the way down the sidewalk, as if he knew exactly where he were going. Though he hadn't said he wanted to go anywhere specifically.

"Eren?" I asked, my slightly nervous voice echoing off of the walls of the quiet ally that we had cut through. It lead us into a small plaza with separate buildings that were all painted the same dreary white color. The pavement under our feet was cracked and obviously unkept, probably unused other than the few cars that were parked in the small parking lot.

"Hmm?" He hummed, seemingly leading me towards one building in particular. The sign was old and cracked; I couldn't make out any of the letters or words that had been inscribed into it long ago. It was far too weathered down to be legible at this point, meaning that this place was fairly old.

"Where are we going?" I asked, stepping up onto the sidewalk in front of the building that stood tall in the very center of the plaza.

Eren opened the door with a small smile, motioning for me to enter, "You'll see in a moment." He tapped my back gently as I walked through the door, stepping into an area that looked like a waiting room to a doctors office. Eren walked passed me as I looked around confused, speaking kindly to the older lady sitting behind the front desk. "Good evening mam, I called a bit earlier, I'm here for Jaeger?"

The woman nodded as she stood up, "Ah yes, I remember, follow me."

Eren began to followed but stopped to grab my hand when I didn't move, pulling me along behind him. We walked into a small white room where the old woman had stopped to pull out small plastic buckets. She placed them on a long metal table and then turned to face us.

"I'm going to need you boys to take off any sharp objects, belts, the strings of your jackets along with shoe laces, and anything you may be carrying in your pockets. Please place them in these buckets, you will receive all of your belongings once you are ready to leave," she rehearsed as if she had said the same line a million times before and ended it with a friendly smile that was very obviously forced.

We followed as she instructed, making sure that we were completely safe before she showed us through another door that lead to a long white hallway. It reminded me of a hospital; it had the same sick feel and smell too it. It wasn't pleasant but I couldn't back out now after making it this far.

She lead us all the way to the end, her slow pace practice ally driving me insane and all I could hear was the haunting echo of our footsteps. At the end of the hallway she pushed open another door that opened into a large room full of people. The were a few circular tables placed about the room along with TVs that were high on the wall and tall shelves of books and DVDs. There was an art area and a music area, both of which had people in teal blue scrubs supervising the people there.

The room was actually filled with the teal blue scrubs that were watching over the area like a bunch of hungry Hawks. Some stood quietly along the walls while others sat at the tables and some even walked around talking to people. They carefully eyed each and every person like they had a reason to be suspicious of anyone that didn't match with their silly cloths. I felt uncomfortable under their harsh, boring stares but tried my best to ignore it. They were just doing their job after all, there was nothing for me to worry about.

At one of the tables sat a familiar figure, alone and fidgeting as if he were uncomfortable being there, uncertain if this was okay. I wouldn't doubt that he was still slightly paranoid, even if he was heavily medicated at this point. Medicine can only do so much in a short amount of time.

The old lady left the room, telling us to meet her back at the front desk once we were ready to leave so that she can give us our stuff back. Eren ignored her, too busy making his way towards the nervous figure at the table to even care about the old lady anymore. 

He sat across from the man and I took a seat next to Eren, staring at the familiar face in front of us which was filled with a delighted surprise. He had stopped fidgeting, dropping his hands on the table, and leaned forward to get a closer looked at the two of us. He took a few moments to examine us before he sat back and spoke up.

"When they told me I had a visitor coming I had no clue who to expect," his deep voice rumbled in his chest, though it sounded much friendlier than how I remembered it last being.

"Well, since we were in the city anyways I decided to stop by to see you," Eren smiled, grabbing the man's hands so that they were linked in the middle of the table. "How are you doing Dad?"

Dad. Even after everything Grisha Jaeger had done to Eren he was still able to call him dad. It was admirable; I knew Eren was a strong person but this was far beyond the capabilities simple strength, it wasn't easy to forgive in a situation like this. Though maybe he never stopped thinking of Grisha as dad. Maybe, even when he had gone completely insane, Eren was still able to keep a place in his heart for Grisha, his father.

I wasn't sure if I had even forgiven the man yet, and I hadn't even witnessed half of what he had done. The man who abused Eren physically and verbally for months and tried to kill his own child on multiple occasions. The man who tried to rape me and then attempted to murder both Eren and I with his own bare hands was sitting across from us. I felt disgusted and yet Eren was holding those hands that belonged to that man, so maybe it was okay. Maybe it was time to move on and forgive.

"I'm good, I feel a lot better. At first the medicine was rough and I was sick a lot of the time but the longer I'm on it for, the more I get used to it. The people here are really nice, I've made a few friends so I'm not as lonely as you probably think," he chuckled at this, continuing with a happy smile; he was like a little kid telling a story to his parents. "I've talked to a few psychiatrist though they tend to pass me around quite a bit, I haven't met one that I don't like yet so that's good. Oh! And your not the first to visit!" He shifted and twitched as he talked, it was awkward to watch but I could only blame it on the medication.

Grisha seemed happy with this but at the last words my blood ran cold, and by the looks of Eren's pale skin he was feeling the same way. Who else would come to visit him? Mikasa? That could be a possibility so I could only hope that it was her. Maybe an old coworker from the hospital? But that was unlikely since not many people from the hospital knew much about his circumstances,

Eren spoke in a steady voice, as if those words didn't have any affect on him but I could see the worry in the way that he shifted in his seat, his leg shaking under the table, "Oh really? That's nice, who else has come to visit?"

Grisha's smile only grew as he responded, his words causing my stomach to drop, "Your mother, of course! She's as beautiful as ever, absolutely stunning. She's supported me through this whole thing, I think that's why I've been doing so good!"

"Dad..." Eren started cautiously, drawing his hands away and sinking into himself like he was afraid that his father would hurt him if he said something wrong. I didn't blame him, he lived for months with exactly that happening. "Mom is dead, she's not here anymore, you know that..." He said in a weak, quiet voice, but Grisha heard him loud and clear.

Grisha was on his feet in a flash, slamming his fist against the table as his voice rose, causing the both of us to startle, "You're lying! Don't lie to me, Eren! YOUR MOTHER IS ALIVE! DON'T LIE TO ME, CARLA IS ALIVE YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD! GET OUT, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO LIARS!" Tears streamed down Grisha's pale face as he yelled down at his son.

By then the staff had reached our table and quickly forced Grisha to the ground so that they could calm him down. He only kept screaming at Eren, yelling out every possible curse he could think of, telling Eren that he should just die and go to hell because that's where he belongs, that it's his fault that "Carla is gone". And I could see he heartbreak in Eren's glassy eyes as he sat silently listening to his father's hateful words; he had been filled with so much hope but all of that came crashing down in an instant. 

One of the staff looked up from where he was holding Grisha on the dirty tiles of the cold ground, "I think it would be best for you to leave now, I'm sorry."

Eren nodded in a sort of numb agreement, standing up without another word and darting out of the room. I shot to my feet, jogging to catch up to him but he was out of sight by the time that I reached the door. I finally found him getting his stuff together at the front desk where the old lady sat staring up at him with a worried expression creasing her wrinkly skin. I gathered my stuff and put it all on, stuffing my belongings into my pockets, before chasing him out the front door where he had already stormed into the parking lot.

"Eren! Eren, slow down! Please! I can't keep up!" I panted as I jogged behind him, trying to follow him at the fast pace he had been maintaining. He stopped suddenly, staring forward like he refused to look at me. Maybe he didn't want me to see him in that state but I didn't care, I had to see his face.

"I thought he would be better... I thought he was supposed to be getting help here," his voice cracked and it sent a harsh pang through my chest that I struggled to breath past. I could barely hear Eren speaking over the loud pounding of my heart in my ears against the heavy rush of my blood; it was all too much and I struggled to focus on Eren, letting him be my anchor to reality.

"Eren," I started, still fighting to catch my breath, "He's not going to recover instantaneously; it's going to take time. He was in a really bad place when he first arrived and if you compare the father you just saw to the father from a few months ago it's like he's a totally different person. I know he's not back to normal yet but it takes time."

"I wish it would happen quicker though..." He admitted, turning to face me and I could only watch as hot tears fell down his cheek and his shoulders shook with the pain of facing the truth that his father isn't healed yet, "I didn't know why I let myself think that he'd be cured by now, I knew my expectations where too high but I miss him so damn much that I couldn't help it."

My arms wrapped around Eren without even thinking about it and I pulled his warm body against my own. It was cool with the breeze of the night, the trees rustling around us, and so I let him keep me warm. "I understand and he will get better but give him time. I'm sure he's trying hard and everyone working with him is trying their best too so give them the time that they need."

"I will," he whispered, pulling away to wipe his tears with his hand. He grabbed my hand again and began leading me in what I assumed was the direction of the hotel. 

When we got back to our room it was pitch black, no signs of Connie or Jean other than their messy beds. We walked into the empty room, changing into pjs and brushing our teeth before we lied down together in bed. We laid facing each other, watching as we breathed and tried to blink away the sleep that threatened to take us.

"Can I ask you something?" Eren suddenly whispered as if he didn't want anyone else to hear, even though we were in an empty room.

"Of course," I answered just as quietly, "you can ask me anything."

"Why are you still cutting yourself?" He asked bluntly and my stomach was left in painful knots. My body began to shake and for some reason the room felt twenty degrees hotter than it had a few seconds ago. It hurt to breath and my brain seemed to pause completely; my body became useless to me once again, at a simple question. "I've noticed it ever since I moved in with you but I didn't want to say anything. I know it's something you probably don't want to talk about but I can't let you continue to hurt yourself like that."

"I-I don't... I d-don't," I stumbled over my words, voice shaky as I tried to form a sentence that he might be able to understand. But I couldn't explain, I had nothing other to say than that I was ashamed that I couldn't even hide that correctly.

Eren suddenly sat up, hearing how nervous I had become. "Armin, calm down, it's okay. There's nothin to be afraid of, okay? Come here."

He pulled my limp body into his lap so that I was cradled between his legs, which where folded up beside me. He wrapped his arms around my chest and spoke lightly in my ear, "Listen, I'm not upset with you okay? Nothing bad is going to happen but I need to know why your hurting yourself. That's not healthy and if you need to talk I'm always here or I can find someone else for you to talk to but please at least tell me why."

"I just... I don't," meaningless words kept slipping through my lips and I wanted to smack some sense into myself but I couldn't. I had no control over my own body at this point and that's probably what frightened me the most. 

"Okay shh, you don't have to tell me," Eren cooed into my ear, tying his best to bring me back to reality. "It's okay, you're okay. You're safe Armin, I'll protect you, you're okay. Don't worry baby, I'm here for you so calm down. Shh you're okay."

Eren placed his hand over my heart as he spoke soothing words into my ear and we both felt as it slowly went back to a somewhat normal pace. Even then his hand stayed over my heart, which for some reason only calmed me further. His hand only moved when he slid out from behind me and laid me down, pulling to covers over my small form. 

He leaned over me, placing a gentle kiss on my right temple, "Go to sleep, I know you're tired. I love you a lot Armin and I want you to know that I'll always be here to protect you. So get some sleep, I'll protect you."

Eren curled up behind me, encasing me in his warmth and I really did feel safe. His strong arms wrapped around my body and exhaustion finally got the better of me. Just like that, with Eren guarding me, I fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can just imagine Jean trying to spend time with Marco through the entire trip but things keep happening to keep them apart and every time I think about it I laugh bc poor Jean just wants his hubby
> 
> Also the whole "Armin cutting again" that never stopped but I don't like to mention it bc it's such a touchy issue but it is still something that needed to be mentioned. It is important but I'm trying to be careful about how I write it.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed chapter twenty seven, thank you so much for reading. Feedback is always super appreciated. Seriously I look forward to hearing from you guys your comments always make my day. Thank you all for following along and commenting, it means a lot.
> 
> *I know I've talked about this before but I'll just mention it again real quick. Feel free to check out my Tumblr if you'd like: venomousabyss


	28. Relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An on time chapter hurray!! (Probably not something to be proud of but I'll admit that I am)
> 
> I'm just gonna say that I actually hated writing the first part of this chapter and you'll see why once you start reading. I'm not even sure what possessed me to write it but whatever.
> 
> Please try to enjoy chapter twenty eight (only the beginning is bad I promise). Thank you for reading!

A few days later I woke up to the soft sounds of rustling coming from the bed next to ours where Jean was sleeping. I had never realized that he was such a restless sleeper but then again I've never had to room with him before. This would be the first and last time, I figured. If we go on a vacation together again I'll just tell him to room with Marco or someone who wasn't as light a sleeper as I was.

The rustling didn't stop, if anything it was getting louder and more frequent. Or maybe that was because I was still slowly dragging myself into consciousness even when the heat of Eren's body wrapped around mine was begging me to stay asleep. But his body heat wasn't enough to keep me down when Jean was making all of that sound in the background.

I sat up slowly, stretching my arms above my head before rubbing the sleep away from my eyes. Yawning, I turned towards Jean to ask him if he could try to be a little more quiet. But, at that moments words refused to leave my lips, they got caught at the front of my mouth. Instead I could only stare at the other bed in shocked silence, jaw hanging open, while I internally prayed that I was still dreaming. This couldn't be real right?

There wasn't just one body in his bed, instead there was two. But that wasn't even the most surprising part, I almost expected to wake up and find Jean and Marco curled up together, peacefully sleeping under the covers. And yet, that wasn't anything close to what I saw across from me. Thankfully, I was actually right with the under the covers part.

Across from me I saw the similar bleached hair on the top of Jeans head hovering a little to closely to the bald head underneath to be considered anything but kissing. Jean pulled away, flushed and panting and I was left with the view of a grinning Connie being straddled by him. The covers pooled around their waist and I got a full view of their bare chests, Connie's covered in dark purple marks.

"You know I've never done it with a guy before," Connie laughed but Jean didn't seem nearly as amused.

His hand was over Connie's mouth in a matter of seconds, his voice low and threatening, "Be quiet or they'll hear us. And just so you know I'm not doing this because I want to, it's-"

Connie had pried Jean's strong grip from his face and promptly cut him off, "Yeah, yeah I get it, I'll be quiet. But you better hurry up, I bet blondie is a real light..." He trailed off as he turned to look towards my bed, instantly making eye contact with me. His face dropped as he finished his sentence, "sleeper..."

Before anyone else could even move the words were flying out of my mouth in a harsh, bewildered rush, "What the fuck?" 

At that I began prying Eren's arms away from my waist, struggling out of bed and stumbling towards the door when my feet finally hit the floor. I refused to wait to hear an explanation, doing my best to ignore the shouts from the two boys trying to stop me. I even blocked out the tired confused calls coming from Eren who had sat up by then, trying to make sense of the suddenly hectic situation.

Instead of listening to any of their desperate calls, I marched down the halls in my pajamas. Which were thankfully just a pair black sweatpants and one of Eren's large black t-shirts. Somehow, after winding through various halls and levels, I found myself in the hotel cafeteria. I never even realized this place has a cafeteria though I assumed most hotels did anyways.

I looked around, grabbing a paper cup to fill up with coffee and then picking up a muffin that I knew I wouldn't eat. Sitting at a table in the corner by a window that gave me a view of the dreary ally between the hotel I was staying at and the one that stood tall next to it. I twirled the paper cup, ignoring the burning coffee that spilled onto my hand as I pondered what I had just seen back in the room.

Connie and Jean? I didn't think that was possible, they couldn't even sleep next to each other without fighting. And I was sure that Connie was straight; he definitely had a thing for Sasha. So why? Jean was a completely different story; he swore that he liked girls but I had a feeling that he liked Marco. Is that why he was doing that? But that wouldn't even make sense.

I couldn't seem to wrap my mind about what I saw, it couldn't have been real. Even if there was some underlying reason it still wouldn't make any sense. I wanted to push the thoughts out of my head but I couldn't. They didn't even look at each other like they loved each other, I could still remember the looks on their faces so clearly. Not that I wanted to think about such a thing but my mind was trapped in the chains of these thoughts.

Connie looked amused, like it was all a game to him and he was just doing it for fun. Like he was okay with it because he wanted to try something new even if he knew he'd never do it again; he was playing around. Jean just looked angry and somehow confused with himself. I could see the reluctance in his eyes but at the same time he seemed so determined. I wasn't sure exactly who he was angry with. Maybe Connie because he wasn't taking Jean seriously or maybe with himself. I wouldn't know, I'm not a mind reader.

Suddenly the chair in front of me was being pulled out as someone sat down in it, their smell familiar and comforting but yet I couldn't bring myself to look at them. I couldn't break my train of thought; I couldn't talk to anyone until I figured out what exactly had happened. Usually it was so obvious, what was I missing?

"Stop over thinking it," Eren voice said, still deep from just waking up. It was loud against the quiet chatter of the almost-empty cafeteria. It was still fairly early so it wasn't surprising that there were so little people who were awake.

My eyes darted to him, the hand holding the coffee cup pausing in its place, "Did they tell you what happened?" 

He shrugged, blinking a few times before laying his head on his arms that he had folded on the table. "Nobody told me anything; I have no clue what happened. But you have that look, the one you get when you're a little too deep in thought."

"That looked," I mumbled, repeating the words back to myself with confusion seeping into my voice. I could feel my brows furrow in frustration as I looked down at him, wondering why he even bothered to come down here if he was just going to sleep.

"Yeah," he agreed, voice muffled by his bare arm, "I don't know how to explain it but you look so lost, it worries me."

"It's just..." I started but paused, rethinking what I was about to say, "promise me you won't tell them that I told you." Maybe it was a bad idea to tell Eren about this, maybe he wouldn't understand what I was feeling. But either way I had to get this off my chest one way or another and if he was willing to listen then so be it.

"I promise but you don't have to tell me, I just came down to make sure that you were okay."

"I need to tell someone... I can't figure this one out on my own," I scoffed at myself, why did I even assume I could figure it out alone in the first place? "I woke up to a rustling sound and I thought Jean was just a restless sleeper so I sat up to ask if he could try to be a bit more quiet. But then I saw him kissing Connie and they were both shirtless and I'm pretty sure they were about to have sex."

Eren shot up at this, his eyes filled with concern, "Unprotected?!" Apparently Hanji and Levi's sex talk really did have a big impact on him.

I stared at him, flabbergasted that he would even be thinking about whether or not they were having protected sex after what I just told him. "Is that even what matters? I caught Connie and Jean almost having sex! Does that not surprise you even a little bit?" 

My voice was rising at this point but I didn't even care. Eren didn't seem to want to take me seriously so I'd have to force him understand my point, even if I had to shout to do so. He looked around, glancing at all of the people who had turned to stare at us, mouthing apologies in their direction. Somehow I couldn't find it in myself to care about the people around us.

"Armin," Eren started, looking at me cautiously, "I know you might be upset, I wouldn't want to see that either, but is it really any of your business? Shouldn't you just support them and be happy for them?" He tried to reason with me but I wouldn't hear any of it. There had to be more to it than what it seemed to be.

"No! They didn't look like they were taking it seriously! Connie looked like he was playing a game and Jean looked so angry. That's not how you should be looking at someone when you're about to do something so intimate!" My breath was heaving with anger now, but I wasn't even sure who I was angry at. Maybe myself, I was being fairly unreasonable.

At the same time, wasn't it okay to be this unreasonable? I was only trying to express my concern for two friends. They really were important to me and I didn't want to see them make a decision that they would regret.

"Not everybody thinks that way and you have to accept that. They're our friends so let's try to be supportive even if you don't agree with what they're doing. Connie didn't seem very phased but Jean is freaking out right now. Maybe you should talk to him instead of me, that would give you the answers you're looking for wouldn't it?" Eren asked calmly and I was stunned at how mature he was being right now. He really had grown up a lot this year, though I guess that shouldn't be so surprising.

"You're right," I mumbled, taking a sip of the still steaming coffee. It tasted bitter, definitely too dark for my tastes but I enjoyed the way it burned on the way down so I could deal with the taste. I needed something to keep me anchored at this point and right now the burn of coffee was the best I could get.

"Speaking of the horse," Eren said, his voice sounding distant as he looked off towards the doorway. He turned to smile at me, pushing back his chair to stand up, "I'll go get him for you, I'll see you back in the room okay? Try to listen to what he has to say."

"Eren wait!" I tried calling out to stop him but he was already halfway across the room and jogging in Jean's direction. I'd didn't even know what I wanted to say to him yet, why would Eren throw this conversation on me so suddenly? Though it was probably better to talk to him sooner rather than later, we really did need to clear up this misunderstanding.

After talking to Eren for a few minutes, which I observed nervously from my seat, Jean made his way over to me. He seemed just as apprehensive as I did, and there was a dark blush staining his cheeks, which for some reason made me feel a bit better

Jean sat down cautiously, wringing his hands tightly together on top of the table. He looked around the room, ignoring the fact that I was sitting directly in front of him. I didn't mind, I could see how nervous he was. I did catch him doing something that he'd probably much rather leave as a secret that he would bring to his grave, I'd give him the time he needed to gather himself.

He cleared his throat a few times, testing his voice before he allowed himself to speak. "So... Armin... About earlier."

I nodded, searching for a way to make this less awkward for the both of us but that was practically impossible at this point. The only way to make this any better was to just get it over with. I didn't want to push him but I also really needed to hear his reasoning. These thoughts have been plaguing my mind and he was the only one that could relieve me from all this metal distress.

"That wasn't exactly... What you probably think it was," he stumbled over his words, pausing to hold up his hands, "I mean it was but I have a good reason I swear. I didn't want to fuck Connie, I mean he's Connie so why would I... But... Yeah..."

"Well if you have a reason I'd love to hear it, otherwise I'm not gonna be very convinced." So much for being supportive; that went out the window the second I opened my mouth. 

He flinched at my words, "I swear I don't like Connie, not like that. The only reason I asked him was because I knew he was stupid enough to agree. Don't you think it would be weird if I was to ask anyone else?" 

"I guess," I agreed with a lazy shrug, "But why even do it? What was the point of such a thing?" 

"I-" he cut himself off, pausing to look at me for a few seconds as if he were searching for something, "please promise me that you won't tell Marco."

Somehow I had a feeling that this had something to do with Marco and if it did then Jean almost made a really stupid move. "Alright, I won't tell him anything"

"Listen, I think I like Marco–" _you think?_ I almost laughed at those words but I kept quiet and let him continue, he was trusting me with this after all, "– but I don't think I'm gay. I'm so confused because I swear I like girls, I mean they're hot, but every time I see Marco man... it's just... wow."

"Yeah, I understand what you mean. But why ruin your chances of being with him by sleeping with Connie? That's the part I don't get." The only part of the story that didn't add up; maybe I should be a detective.

"Because I had to make sure that I wasn't gay- I mean there's nothing wrong with being gay but I'm just not. I know it was stupid and I'm seriously glad you stopped us, even if it was unintentional. I don't know what I was thinking," he dropped his head into his hands, groaning loudly.

I smiled, finally relieved to hear that he really was just being an idiot. "Why don't you talk to Marco?"

His head shot up again, eyes so wide I was afraid that they'd fall out of his head. "I can't do that, that's not happening. I mean Marco is... Marco... He's not even gay and even if he was I doubt he'd like... Me. I think someone like you would suit him much better, I'd never have a chance."

I smiled gently, knowing exactly what all of that was like, and stood up with my coffee and muffin in hand. "You'd be surprised," with that I walked away, leaving him to think about the words I left him with. Three words that held so much meaning, I'm sure he understand what I was telling him. It was up to him what happened now.

That night at dinner, we had all decided to go out to a nearby restaurant. It was fancier than I would've liked but Levi and Hanji said they would cover the bill so I wasn't too worried about it. They said that it was their treat to us all since today was our last full day of being in the city.

We sat in a circle booth together, sipping on glasses of soda while we waited for our food to arrive. The restaurant was filled with light piano music that was being drowned out by the faint chatter. Sasha and Connie talked excitedly to Marco, telling him all sorts of crazy stories that I'm sure he couldn't keep up with. Marco smiled and laughed along with them nonetheless; he really was a great guy.

Levi and Hanji had gotten into a heated debate over how to pronounce the name of a dish. Eventually they pulled a poor waiter into the argument, the main too timid to get a word in while the other two yelled over each other. I was sure that Levi was right, since we were eating French cuisine, but I didn't dare to add my opinion.

Eren sat next to me, happily coloring the kids menu with the crayons that he had asked for. It was actually quite adorable and it was almost hard to tear my eyes away from. Though across from me, someone else had kept most of my attention without even meaning too.

Suddenly, Jean who had been sitting at the end of the booth, looking like he was ready to throw up, stood up and cleared his throat. We all turned to him, excited to hear what he had to say. Or maybe that was just me, everyone else just looked confused.

"Um... I'll make this quick so that we can get back to dinner but..." He wiped his shaky palms on his pants, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Marco, I've had a lot of time to think about this and I've decided to go for it," he looked over at me and I nodded to reassure him that this was the right thing to do. He took another deep breath, this time his voice filled with a strong determination.

"Marco," Jean started, "I've like you for a really long time but I was stupid and didn't realize it until recently. I almost made a really stupid move today that could've ruined everything and that scared me because I really do like you. No– actually, I don't think it's something simple as just liking you. Marco Bott I'm in love with you and have been for a long long time. I don't expect you to accept me, not as anything other than a friend, but I had to tell you this. It was something that I've decided you needed to know."

Marco was crying as he listened, but he was smiling so I felt okay watching the sparkling tears roll over the dark freckles on his cheeks. Jean looked scared, terrified actually but he was smiling too and I'm sure that he couldn't help it. Even though Marco hadn't said anything, a weight had been lifted off Jean's shoulders and that was probably enough to make him smile. 

Marco rubbed the tears away from his eyes laughing as spoke, "Get over here you idiot."

Jean listen, though reluctantly, and slid back in the booth next to Marco. One second they were staring at each other and then next their lips were locked. None of us said anything, they deserved this moment for themselves at the very least. They had put each other through hell without even realizing it. Eren and I had done the same thing to each other, I knew how much they needed this.

Marco pulled away, still unable to stop the tears that were flowing from his eyes, "So still not gay, huh?"

Jean scoffed, "Of course I'm not..." Levi gave him a pointed look from across the table which was enough to make him shut up. Jean started again, this time speaking more carefully, a sheepish smile spread across his face, "I'm only gay for you."

Marco laughed and hugged him, "I'm okay with that."

My attention was drawn away from the two boys when someone nudged me in the side. I turned to see Eren grinning at me knowingly.

"What's that look for?" I grinned back anyways, unable to hold it back after what I had just seen. I really was happy for the two of them.

"You did a good job," he patted my head and I was about to argue that I didn't do anything but he interrupted me to make an announcement. "Armin and I are going to go, you guys can just take our food, I'm sure Sasha will be fine with that," he winked at her and Sasha have him a giddy thumbs up in response.

As we walked away from the booth all we could hear was Hanji shouting in the back ground, telling us to "use protection". Along with Levi who decided that he need to add in that "consensual sex is safe sex". If that wasn't bad enough Eren even felt the need to turn around and shout back "don't worry, I have the supplies you gave us." All the while I struggled to pull him out of the restaurant while avoiding the stares of all of the other patrons. We probably would've been kicked out if we weren't already leaving to begin with, since the place was so high status.

We stepped out into the warm air of the night, a light fog gently laying over the ground. We could barely see three feet in front of us, the thick fog reflecting the yellow light that shone down from street lamps. The sidewalks were still fairly crowded but I assumed that rush hour was coming to an end at this point.

Eren and I followed the crowd down the sidewalk, our quiet steps blending in with those around us. We walked silently for quite some time, less and less people were on the sidewalk as time passed and by the time we made it to our destination we were alone again.

"Why didn't we just stay at the restaurant with everyone else?" I asked as he lead me into the empty park, following down the dark path that would bring us to the water fountain that sat in the center. The thick fog gave it an eerie feel, trees casting threatening shadows over the path, their old branches reaching down towards us.

"Did you want to stay? We could have, I just wanted to spend time alone with you," Eren shrugged, sitting on the edge of the water fountain so that he could reach down and feel the water below.

"I don't mind, but haven't we spent a lot of time together anyways?" I laughed quietly, sitting down next to him. There was already crickets chirping in the distance, singing their nightly lullaby. The only other sound heard above that was the rushing of water and the few cars that were still traveling at this time.

"We have but... After seeing Jean and Marco today I just couldn't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have you. I wanted to be able to cherish what we have because I'm so happy to have you in my life and by my side. You mean the world to me, you know?" Eren pulled his hand out of the water so that he could wrap his arm around me. Cool droplets of water fell off of his hand and onto my arm, gliding down the skin and leaving a cold trail behind.

"So you weren't just trying to sleep with me?" I asked with a playful wink.

Eren scoffed, holding his free hand to his chest in mock offense, "Blasphemy! Me? Trying to bed you?" He paused to lean in closer and whisper into my ear, "Not until your ready."

I shoved him away, a blush threatening to break out onto my pale cheeks. "Stop that, you're so weird."

"Awe come on," he whined leaning forward so that we would make eye contact, "You know you love me."

I chuckled, "Of course I love you, but you're still a weirdo." At his pout I added, "You're my weirdo though, so it's okay."

Eren smiled, pleased to hear that, and returned to playing with the water. I watched him splash around for only a few moments before curiosity got the best of me. 

"Are you ready?" I asked and he pulled his hand out again, smile settling into a more serious expression. My hands wound together tightly in my lap. I didn't think I was nervous to hear his response but for some reason the whole idea of having sex with Eren made me anxious. I didn't want to upset him but at the same time I wasn't sure if I was ready.

"Yeah, I think I'm ready. But I didn't want to say anything because I don't want you to think you have to sleep with me. I want you to be completely sure about it too. There's more to our relationship than sex but that's also something I'd like to share with you once you feel comfortable enough to do so."

His words sent my heart pounding but I nodded anyways, the grip between my hands lessening just a bit as that weight was lifted off my shoulders. Only a few more weights to go, "I'm not sure if I'm ready right now but I know I'd like to eventually... um... also... do that..." I fidgeted in my seat, unsure of how to ask the next question. "You- uh... You plan on being the... top... right?" 

The awkwardness of the situation was silently killing me. I could practically feel my body trying to curl in on itself to the point where I would disappear completely. Not that I would mind such a thing happening right now, if it meant this conversation being over.

"Well," he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck with sudden discomfort. "I did, if you're okay with it."

I nodded, "Yeah, that's okay I just wanted to be sure."

"You're not... Afraid to bottom?" He asked quietly, sounding slightly unsure of himself. What a horrible conversation to have when we were supposed to be spending our last few moments alone together enjoying one another's presence. Though maybe this was the best time.

"Of course I am, that's probably the only thing holding me back right now but I'll get over it eventually," I felt the blush burning my cheeks and looked away from his gaze, praying that my face wasn't as red as it currently felt.

"Armin... You're so cute, get over here."

Arms were suddenly wrapping themselves underneath my thighs and I squealed as I was lifted off the cold stone of the fountain. My own arms flew around Eren's neck for stability, my shoulder digging into his throat as I held on as tight as I could. Eren only laughed passed his coughing, holding my legs even tighter.

"Why do you always have to pick me up?" I squeaked, trying to wrap my legs around his waist but it was hard when his grip on them was so strong.

"Because you're just so adorable, I can't resist," his voice was muffled against my neck. I shivered when his hot breath hit my skin, struggling to hold back the gasp that threatened to spill through my lips.

"Please put me down," I whined, sounding more than just a little childish.

"If that's what you want," and I could almost hear the amused smirk in his voice. Suddenly it felt as if I was falling but my arms were still wrapped around Eren and his hands still held onto my legs. We slowed down at the very last second, my back gently hitting the ground below.

Eren let go of my legs as he pried my arms off of him, smirking down at me as he straddled my hips. I blushed deeply, averting my gaze to the dark sky above. Bright stars twinkled down at me just past the leaves of the old oaks hanging overhead, through the fog that served as a sheen curtain surrounding us. It was quiet, peaceful almost, besides the fact that my boyfriend was currently sitting on my lap while I laid on the ground in the middle of the park.

"This isn't what meant," I complained as I wiggled around trying to get away, "get off of me, the ground is too cold to lay on like this," I pouted up at him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Then I'll keep you warm," he grinned before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against his chest. I could hear his heart beating unnaturally fast, almost as if he were afraid of something. I buried my face against him, listening to the nervous thump as I took in his scent.

"You know Armin," Eren started, leaning back to look at my face, "I've been thinking for awhile that-"

Suddenly he was cut off by a loud whinny from not too far away, "So this is were you two went? Don't tell me you guys did it in the park!?"

Jeans shouts were followed by a chorus of laughs from Connie and Sasha while Marco attempted to quiet the three of them. Attempted being the key word because neither the laughs or the taunting stopped there. Levi and Hanji, who probably would've put a stop to it all immediately, were nowhere to be seen.

"I mean, I knew you guys were pretty weird but that's just freaky! What if we saw? Or are you into that type of stuff too?" He sounded far too smug, that was one of the things that bothered me the most about Jean. That and his impeccable timing when it came to interrupting something that seemed important, apparently.

"Oh shut up you stupid horse, you didn't even have the balls to ask Marco out until today," Eren spat, his grip on my shirt tightening.

"And what's next? Are you guys gonna-" he was cut off by a loud slapping sound following by his head snapping down. Next to him stood a fuming Marco, who's arm was still raised in the air.

"Jean," Marco bit, his voice venomously low in a way that I had never heard it before. "Cut it out. What they do is none of your business so stop being such an ass about it."

As Jean began mumbling apologies to his boyfriend I'm pretty sure I heard Connie whisper something along the lines of, "ooh, whipped." Which was followed by Sasha's giggling but I chose to ignore the both of them.

We all ended up leaving the park together to make our way back to the hotel. Though not before I made sure to thank Marco for stopping his boyfriend from pestering us once again and congratulating him on his new relationship. I was definitely enjoying them being together already, since it seemed to be benefitting the rest of us too. I wasn't exactly sure why Marco liked Jean, but they made a good couple nonetheless.

As we neared the hotel, I slowed down to get to the back of our group where Eren had been strolling along in a thoughtful silence. "Hey," I said, catching his attention and pulling him out of his thoughts, "What were you going to tell me earlier? You know, before everyone else showed up."

"Oh that," he grinned, albeit nervously, "I'd rather talk about that later if you don't mind."

"Oh, okay. I don't mind," I did mind, though I wouldn't tell him that. I could respect that he wanted to talk in private, even if I didn't want to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyhing worked out in the end right?? Kinda.
> 
> I'll give you all a fair warning this is one of the last "happy" chapters. Starting from the next chapter even more problems are going to arise so yay for that. This fic is also nearing its end (I'm thinking 31 chapters including the epilogue but no promises)
> 
> The city trip is officially over (I wanted to write more chapters on it but the fic must go on). Two chapters is short but I got what I wanted out of it and Jean and Marco are together yippee!!
> 
> Anyways thank you all so much for reading I hope you were all able to enjoy chapter twenty eight. As always any sort of feedback is always greatly appriciated, I love hearing from you all.


	29. Strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heYYye an early update!! (Totally not because I'm super excited about the end of this fic or anything). It's not that I want it to end but I have been working on it for such a long time that it's going to be a bit bittersweet.
> 
> This was actually done two days after I posted chapter twenty eight and I was going to wait until Saturday to post this but I have absolutely no patience. 
> 
> Anyways please enjoy chapter twenty nine and I hope you are all as excited about the last two chapters as I am!!

The car was close to silent, filled with the sounds of heavy breathing coming from Hanji who had fallen asleep long ago. Eren and Marco were not too far behind her, both of them falling into a deep sleep by the time we had reached the highway. Though they were much more quiet while sleeping, which I was thankful for. 

Other than that, I was left with the sound of the light hum coming from the radio that droned with music I had never heard before. It had a smooth, gentle tune but no words; it was calming, relaxing even. Levi, who was driving, didn't bother to speak to me even though I'm sure he knew I was still awake. We were both exhausted anyways and trying to hold a conversation right now was pretty much pointless. I had tried to sleep a couple of times but it was to no avail. 

I had troubling sleeping to begin with but something about cars, any sort of vehicle actually, made it an even more difficult task to accomplish. Maybe it was the natural anxiety that came with being trapped in such a dangerous thing, strapped in and constantly waiting for impending doom. What was more likely keeping me up than that was the memories of Carla, her lifeless body hanging limp in the crushed, burning car.

Just thinking about it sent shivers down my spine and I was filled with the sudden urge to throw up whatever was currently in my stomach. I always did my best to push the thoughts of her out of my mind, since most were unpleasant after witnessing such a calamitous accident. It hurt to do such a thing but I couldn't bare to think about the accident, it was still to hard for me even if it had been a few months. Though I still did my best to cherish the good memories whenever they came about.

Even so, the quiet atmosphere of the car was enjoyable enough so I didn't mind being awake all that much. The shifting of sleeping bodies along with the occasional tick of Levi turning on his blinker before it switched off again created the perfect type of comfortable quiet. The smallest, almost nonexistent sounds filled the silence and left me with a dull hum of a blissful serenity.

Every now and then I'd listen to the light drone of the van's engine, letting it ease my tired, overworked mind. It had been a long vacation, even if we were only there for a week it felt like much longer. I had done a lot of thinking during that trip. Mostly about my life after high school and what would happen between Eren and I. Even if those were thoughts I'd rather push away, since my mind seemed to only ever conjure up all the negative possibilities, I knew it wasn't something I could ignore for much longer.

I wanted to continue to peruse a relationship with him for as long as I could, that much was certain, but who knew what might happen. There was a chance that we would end things even before we graduated though I sincerely hoped that wouldn't be the case. There was also the possibility that after graduation he would want to move on and make a life for himself that didn't include being further involved with me. I couldn't just refuse that and force him to stay with me but if that did happen I knew it would take a long time to get over.

Plus there was the issue of where we were going to live if we did stay together. I knew that if Eren left me I'd move to the city as fast as I could but in a situation where we didn't break up, what then? Eren might want to stay in the dreadful town of Shiganshina because he still has family there, even if he wasn't getting along with her at that point. And what if his Dad recovered and moved back?

The only thing he had going for him in the city was the chance at a better life, which sounded good and all but he had high chances of success in Shiganshina to begin with. His father was a doctor and could easily pay for Eren to go to University. No matter what I'll be stuck finding a job straight out of high school since additional schooling won't be an option for me. Finding a stable job in that town was next to impossible.

I felt bad for questioning our relationship like this in the first place but it's better to be prepared for whatever might happen. If he really did end up leaving me then I needed to be ready for that type of heart break. If he wanted to stay in Shiganshina then I needed a back up plan. And if he wanted to stay with me and move to the city, well that would be the ideal situation but things rarely ever go my way it seems.

"Hey Levi?" I whispered, careful not to wake up the other three. So much for not speaking to each other; they do say curiosity killed the cat, I was just testing that theory.

Levi hummed in response, his eyes glancing up to the rear-view mirror to meet my own. He looked tired and drained of all the energy he had left. Even though he seemed to enjoy himself on the trip I'm sure he was just as tired from it all as the rest of us were.

"How long have you been living in Shiganshina for?" I questioned, my gaze breaking away from his.

He responded without much thought, "Well I grew up there, so my whole life. Why?"

"Just wondering," I mumbled, looking out the window at the empty highway, lit only by dim the street lights that were lined up along the side. The car would flash with orange light each time we passed one before it was filled with a short period of darkness again. "Did you go to University?"

"I went to a community college that's not too far away from Shiganshina. Hanji also went there so we spent a lot of time together back then. They might have closed by now though, it was an old school even when I went there." I had always loved listening to people talk about their past experiences so I couldn't help it when I continued questioning him.

"Why didn't you chose to leave back then? Couldn't you have found a different school to work at?" I leaned forward in between the front seats, staring out at the dark highway that seemed to stretch on forever.

He laughed, which was actually more of a small puff of air than anything else, "There was no reason for me to leave. I had everything I needed right there waiting for me. There was no point in going somewhere new when I had plenty of potential by staying right here. I already knew that this was where I belonged and I didn't mind. But, it won't be the same case for everyone."

"That's understandable... How did you and Hanji meet? Is she from Shiganshina too?"

"Why so many questions kid?" He scoffed but continued speaking anyways, "My life isn't as interesting as you seem to think it is. Hanji and I met in middle school when she first moved to Shiganshina. I couldn't stand her at first but slowly got used to her, by now I've learned to put up with her."

"It seems like you two are really good friends, it's nice to see that you were able to keep such a close relationship," I told him, without even realizing that I was speaking my thoughts out loud. I blamed it on the exhaustion that was taking over my brain and mouth. 

I felt my eyes double in size as I watched him look over at the sleeping form next to him, who had begun drooling on the seat, leaving a wet circle on the fabric. He stared at her for a few moments with a fond smile before looking back to the road, "Yeah."

Our simple conversation ended just like that and yet it felt as if I had learned so much more about him. Levi and Hanji really were good people and at this point they were some of the only adults that I felt I could trust. I sat back in my seat, glancing over at Marco and Eren. I found myself wishing that I could keep that same relationships as we grew older that I had with them now, just like Levi and Hanji had.

As we drew closer to town the forest around us grew more dense, the trees seemingly standing much taller, and houses were more sporadicly spread. The streets in town were far darker than those on the highway, since most didn't work or were close to dying out. The only light we were provided with was the headlights of the van. It was strange watching as Levi maneuvered through the dark as if he could have done so with his eyes closed.

By the time we made it back to Shiganshina, Hanji had woken up and decided to turn the radio up which in turn woke up everyone else in the van. Marco didn't seem to mind much as he sat happily staring out the window with a contempt smile on his freckled face. Eren sat in the back, still dazed and sleepy but somehow still alert to his surroundings. His eyes flicked back and forth between everyone's faces and the road as he sat silently in the back, occasionally yawning.

We dropped Marco off first since his house was the closest, helping him get his stuff out and saying a quick goodbye before returning to the road. Eren's and my house was only about a twenty minute drive away and before I knew it we were driving up the familiar gravel driveway. Small rocks crunched under the weight of the car as we crept up on the house through the opening in the woods.

As the house came into view I felt my stomach drop out of my body, replaced by confusion and an intense fear of what we had come home to. Levi parked the car out front, right next to another car that I didn't recognize. There were lights on in the house, though other than that there was no sign of any other people. We all stared at each other in confusion for a few moments before Hanji broke the heavy silence that had settled in the car.

"I thought you two lived alone?" She questioned, opening her door so she could get out to investigate. A cool wind swept in, it smelled fresh, giving life to the stuffy car.

We all followed suit, cautiously walking up to the front door together. "We do," I whispered, my voice audibly shaking. I'm not even sure if anyone heard me though I was saying it more to convince myself than anyone else.

I was the first one up the steps to the porch, ringing the doorbell before I gave myself a chance to think twice about it. It felt slightly strange ringing the doorbell to my own house as I stood out on the front steps with my boyfriend and two former teachers. There was the pitter patter of eager footsteps on the other side of the door followed the sound of metal locks clicking open.

The door swung open to reveal two people that I thought I'd never get the chance to see again. "Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?" I felt myself ask, but for some reason it didn't sound like me. I barely even felt my lips move as I stared in a shocked horror at the two strangers in front of me.

It was strange seeing my parents again, they definitly aged a bit since the last time I saw them. Though I could still see the clear resemblance between them and myself. People had always told me that I looked just like my parents, I could see why now. Those eyes on my Dad, the hair color of my Mom, a gentle mix of their facial features. There was no doubt that these were my parents standing before me but then why did they feel so foreign?

"Armin baby!" My mom shouted, rushing forward to pull me into her arms. "Where have you been? We were so worried that something happened to you!" 

Since they had no way to contact me they wouldn't know if something really did happen to me, though that was their own fault. I doubt they even cared to begin with, this had to just be a front that they were putting up. Why would they worry about their worthless son who they had forgotten years prior?

"I was visiting the city with a few friends," I answered, slightly annoyed that she ignored my own question. There had to be a reason as to why they'd suddenly come home after disappearing from my life for so long.

She glanced up at the three behind me, "Are these your friends?" She eyed Levi and Hanji with the disapproving eyes of an overprotective mother. Normally I'd be grateful but now I only felt animus that she even dared to judge who I hung out with when she didn't even bother to contact me for all these years.

"You know Eren and yes, those are my friends. Some other people came with us too but they're probably home by now. That's Levi Ackerman, my former French teacher, and Hanji Zoë, my former chemistry teacher. They've been really supportive of both Eren and I so we all ended up growing fairly close to each other," I told her plainly, internally begging for her to let go of me. She seemed to hear my silent cries, her arms falling away from my body.

This entire time my Dad had stood silently behind her, observing the situation without actually adding his own input. He didn't even bother to say hello to me, barely making note of my presence while I stood directly in front of him. My mother had pushed past me to talk to the three standing outside. I was left boxed in between the two of them feeling corner and trapped while my safety was left on the other side of my mother.

"Well it's late so I'm sure you would all like to return home," she said with a kind smile, "Thank you for taking care of Armin. Since you're his friends I'm sure we will being seeing you again soon, have a nice night."

"Mom," I interrupted her, "Eren is living here now so at least let him in. Plus our stuff is still in the car so were going to go grab that really quick," I told her, leaving no room for argument. 

I slid passed her, grabbing Eren's hand and pulling him down the stairs towards Levi's van. Levi and Hanji stayed on the porch and continued to talk with my parents, not that I minded much. I was still trying to process the fact that my parents were home. They seemed like strangers that had suddenly invited themselves into my life again and it left an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Armin, are you okay?" Eren asked once we reached the car. He took both of our bags out, shutting the trunk before turning to face me once more.

"Yeah, I'm okay, just... shocked is all. I honestly never expected to see them again. Right now I'm not sure if I'm happy that they're here if not," I told him truthfully. 

It hurt to speak about my parents like this but what else could I do after they force themselves upon me. I barely knew them and yet they act as if they had been there supporting me my entire life. Instead if was the exact opposite, which is probably why I had felt so uncomfortable around the two. I'd like the at least think that I'd be able to warm up to them eventually even if it took time and a bit of effort.

"Well let's try to enjoy the fact that they're home. It's been so long, I'm sure you all have plenty to catch up on," he smiled, handing me my bag and then taking my hand to lead me back to the house. When we reached the porch Levi and Hanji said quick goodbyes and left soon after. My parents helped us bring our things inside, leaving our bags in the living room.

"Wow, Armin you've gotten so big," my mom said, pinching my cheeks before moving onto Eren to do the same, "You too Eren, look at how tall you've gotten. You're even bigger than me now."

As she continued poking and prying at Eren, my father finally walked up to me. "It's been awhile son, doing okay I assume?"

"Yeah Dad, I've been good," I lied, not wanting to explain the hell they've unintentionally caused me by leaving me alone for all these years. I shouldn't blame them anyways, it wasn't their fault that I was too young to go with them. Traveling was their dream so I'm glad they were able to pursue it. "How about you and Mom? How have your travels been?"

"You wouldn't believe half of the things we've seen!" He laughed, "Though now you'll get to see it all for yourself."

My heart stopped, breathing cut off as I stared at him with my mouth wide open, trying to process exactly what he meant. "What- what do you mean?" I asked dumbly, my throat and mouth suddenly dry. The conversation between my mother and Eren had suddenly ceased too, leaving an uncomfortable silence as they watched me and my father.

"We've decided that you're old enough now to come with us!" He told me with a bright smile. "Isn't that so exciting? You get to see the whole world!"

"Huh?" Was all my mouth could provide at first. To me, it sounded as if he were speaking a foreign language and I didn't doubt that he knew a few. I swallowed past the lump in my throat so that I could try to reason with him, "What about school? I don't graduate for another two years."

"We will school you as we travel of course! Don't be silly Armin, we've already thought everything through," he ended the conversation there, going off on some tangent about his guitar that he found in my room and how much he had missed it.

I cut him off, not really caring what he thought about the guitar. "I'm going to go to my room, I'll be out for dinner."

Without another word I was off, listening to the light, cautious footsteps that followed me down the hallway. Everything suddenly seemed smaller, as if even the house were trying to squeeze the life out of me. There wasn't enough space to move or breath, there was barely even enough space to think properly. I wanted so badly to jump out my bedroom window and run, to continuing running until I was lost in the middle of the dense forest. But what good would running away from my problems do me?

I sat down on the bed, my hands curled in fists and resting on my knees. I could feel my fingernails bite into the fleshy skin of my palms but ignored the faint sting. It was nice to feel at least that when the rest of the world was trying to suffocate me. It was pleasant to feel anything other than my _reality_ right now.

"Armin," Eren's voice called out to me, followed by the gentle touch of his hand running through my unruly hair. But I couldn't see him, my vision had gone black not too long ago. I clung onto his words, praying that he could keep me grounded even if it were just a little bit longer.

He spoke again, just as gentle as he had the first time, "Listen, I know that was really hard for you to hear but it's going to be okay, trust me. If you don't want to go then just tell them, I'm sure they would understand. From what I remember your parents are very kind people; I doubt they'd force you to do anything that you really don't want to do. And if you do want to go then what's holding you back? Me? You don't have to worry about me if that's the case, I'm willing to wait for you to return."

I blinked away the darkness when I felt warm droplets fall onto my cheek, though they weren't my own. I looked up to see Eren wiping away tears from his shining blue-green eyes. "Please don't cry," I grabbed his hand that was still resting on my head, pulling him down so that I could wrap my arms around his broad shoulders. "I don't want to go, I don't want to leave you."

"Armin," he whispered.

"What? Is there something else you're worried about?" I spoke in a hurry, willing to do anything to calm him. It hurt to see him cry, to see him so broken over something that seems so trivial and yet has suddenly once again turned our lives upside down.

He sniffled, taking a few moments that were filled with his heavy breathing to respond, "What I was going to tell you, in the park, before Jean interrupted..."

I would be lying if I said that the thoughts of whatever it was he was going to tell me weren't constantly plaguing my mind. I spent hours fretting over what it was that he wanted to say, going over each and every possibility in my mind and still feeling unsatisfied with just that. There was a million things that could have come out of his mouth at that moment, I couldn't possibly predict what I was about to hear.

He took a deep breath, "I wanted to move to the city with you after high school, I don't want to be stuck in Shiganshina for the rest of my life. And I know that's what you– we've been saving up our money for. But now, with the possibility that I might lose you I–" he choked on his own words, unable to continue as more tears streamed from his eyes. His breath stuttered and his hand flew over his mouth, trying to stifle whatever sob threatened to escape.

"You what?" I asked, practically begging to hear the rest.

Eren leaned back, staring at me with an unsettlingly serious expression. Even as tears continued to travel downed tan cheeks and his breath hitched, he stared with absolute sincerity. "Run away with me, to the city. We have enough money now, we could do it. So let's go, let's just leave this all behind us. We can even go today if we hurry, but please, run away with me."

I couldn't believe the words I was hearing, Eren wanted to run away? Could we even do such a thing? Especially with my parents here now, it was close to impossible. I stared in a shocked silence, Eren's hard gaze unmoving. What was I supposed to say to such a preposterous suggestion? 

"Eren, I- We can't just... run away. We still have school to finish and friends that we'd be leaving behind. Nobody in the city would hire us since we're still too young to get a proper job. It wouldn't work, and then what are we supposed to do? It's too dangerous to make such a rash decision without thinking it through properly."

His brows furrowed and he let out a frustrated huff, roughly wiping the tears away from his eyes with an unneeded amount of force, "Then what Armin? You're just going to leave with your parents instead? Because that's not running away right? Somehow I don't see the difference."

His words angered me, caused the blood to boil hot in my veins. "Why can't you just be understanding? I can't make abrupt decisions like that when I have so much to lose right now! I get that you're upset but haven't you realized that this is all so much harder for me? No matter what choice I make, someone is going to be hurt, it's not like I can go decide something of the sort easily!" 

I was shouting in his face, not able to find it in myself to care that my parents could probably hear. Because I was so damn furious; fuming and yet someone still petrified. I was making a horrible choice, to take such feelings out on Eren like I was, but I couldn't help it. If I didn't do this now then how would I ever rid my body of the loathsome, rotting feeling that was taking over every inch of it? 

"It shouldn't be that hard! Why can't you make a decision for yourself for once instead of basing everything off of the feelings of others? Why can't you just be your own person for once!?" I'm sure he didn't mean it, but it was a knife to the chest. It was pure betrayal that tainted the trust in my blood and made me sick to my stomach.

I didn't even get a chance to respond, not that I wanted to talk to him anymore. Actually, I'd rather do without having to face him if possible. My mother's sweet voice came from the doorway, "Armin sweetheart? Is everything okay in here?" 

"Yeah," I mumbled, "Everything is great Mom." There was strong underlying tone of sarcasm but if she noticed then she chose to ignore it.

"Well dinner is ready so why don't you two come eat?" At those words I was up on my feet and shoving past Eren. I wasn't even hungry but anywhere was better than being alone with him.

We all sat in the living room, I hadn't even taken a bite of my food, instead pushing it around my plate. Nobody wanted to speak, we could all feel the tight tension that was slowly growing between us. Though if my mother was good at anything, it was making uncomfortable situations seem at least slightly normal.

"So, you guys were able to stay friends all this time? That's so nice, I remember how close you used to be," she smiled at the two of us, neither bothering to return the sentiment. Maybe that wasn't the best topic to talk about at the moment but I would take what I could get.

"Yeah," I spoke up, having nothing better to do than participate in her useless conversation. If I was going to be stuck here with all of them I might as well busy myself for the time being. "Since we lived so close it was easy to stay friends. We hung out with each other more than most other people but we've always gotten along so well that it was never really a problem. If anything we've grown a lot closer over time. Actually, just this year we started dating."

Everyone froze at that, including me since I really didn't mean to let that little fact slip out without easing my parents into the topic first. I wasn't sure how they would handle learning about my relationship with Eren just yet since I barely knew them. I couldn't predict what type of reaction they would have to the sudden information. Though I was going to find out soon enough whether I wanted to or not.

"Dating?" She let out a nervous laugh, "Surely you're kidding. Don't joke around with us Armin, we're getting old; our hearts can't handle it anymore."

I sighed, dropping my fork so that I could rub my eyes, "I'm not kidding mom. We have been dating since the beginning of the last school year. If that wasn't clear enough then I'll elaborate; I'm gay."

My Dad suddenly jolted in his seat at the sudden blunt announcement, joining in with his gruff voice, "I can't accept that, that's not right Armin and you know it. I think maybe it will be best that you won't be hanging around Eren any longer, it seems that he's been a bad influence on you. I know I haven't raised you to be like... that."

I gasped, shocked and hurt by the cruel words that he was carelessly throwing at me. My head darted between the frightened look on Eren's face and the angry look on my parents. "What do you mean... What's wrong with me being gay?! Mom, Dad, I love Eren and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Maybe you don't believe the same but if you at least try to understand I swear you'll see what-"

"Enough!" My father's demanding tone cut me off, my jaw snapping shut painfully fast. "I don't want to hear it! Get your stuff together Armin, we're leaving!"

"What?! We can't leave now! I haven't said goodbye to anyone! This isn't fair, you can't force me to come with you!" Tears rolled down my cheeks but I wasn't sure if they were from the resentment or the anguish that had washed over me. I couldn't even begin to guess when so many emotions had begun to swirl inside of me, threatening to burst at any moment.

"We can force you and we will! We are your parents and we have raised you to respect us as such! Now get your stuff together, I don't want to hear another word from you!" He shouted back, I could see the veins bulging out of his forehead and as he spoke I allowed myself to focus on only that. Something about it seemed gross to me and yet I couldn't look away.

"Dad, you can't just-" 

"Armin Arlert!" My mother snapped, "Listen to your father!"

With no other choice I ran off to my room, throwing whatever seemed fit inside a suite case that had been placed in the corner. My mind was a tangled mess, I couldn't focus on anything. Every thought and feeling was bombarding me all at once and I had no clue how to deal with it all. My body moved without my brains permission, like I was stuck in a trance. I was trapped inside my own mind, fighting to claw my way out but finding no end to the darkness that consumed me.

I'm sure that Eren was trying to talk some sense into me, I could see him shouting and banging his fist against the wall. At one point he took hold of my shoulders and shook me but my brain was unable to register what was happening, unable to react to the violent way he shoved me around. He was so desperate to stop me but how did he expect to when I couldn't even stop myself? 

My numb legs guided me out of the room and to the entry way where my parents were waiting sometime later. Eren was still following, still trying to get a reaction out of me but it was no use. I had shut myself off from the rest of the world, bathing in the morose thoughts of my demented mind. The thoughts that welcomed me with open arms, that where happy to tear whatever was left of my delicate stability, of my fragile sanity to tiny little shards. 

I knew I was a goner as I watched Eren get into a fight with my father that ending with my father hitting him so hard he fell to the floor, spitting curses and derogatory words at him. Yet I couldn't move, I couldn't help the boy who lay on the ground, staring up at me with hopeless, pleading eyes. I didn't even move when I saw the blood start to flow down his forehead and onto the tile below. I was unaffected by all of it even when I was internally begging to feel something.

I ignored him in favor of following my parents to their car and helping them pack in all of the necessities they had gathered. I even found myself climbing into the car without even bothering to look back at Eren. 

Maybe my mind enjoyed tormenting me, it seemed to like watching me fall to pieces over and over again. As we drove away it got the enjoyment that it was looking for. I locked eyes with Eren, watching as he collapsed into a sobbing, screaming mess on the front porch.

But this time I heard the sounds that left him, who wouldn't have? Such forlorn, distressed cries were nearly impossible to block out. I heard his screams full force, almost feeling that way that they tore through his lungs until they were raw. Even when he was finally out of sight, I could still hear his pleading screams but could do nothing about it. They echoed around the forest, around my head, repeating themselves over and over in a chorus of desperation and agony.

The ache of the noise was buzzing through every limb in my body, a searing pain that seemed to destroy every bit of life I had left in me. At this, I was left a sobbing mess. There was nothing left keep it all hidden away anymore, nothing that was holding me together. I felt completely empty and at the same time everything seemed hurt more than it should have. 

My parents tried to calm me, telling me that everything would be alright. They told me that I'd love traveling and soon enough I'd forget all about Eren. But I knew that they were lying. These two strangers who had destroyed the life I had finally created for myself were lying through their teeth and I absolutely hated them for it.

But, I was a weak soul and I knew that there was nothing more that I could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you mean twenty nine ends like this when there are only two more chapters left??
> 
> It's going to be chapter thirty and then an epilogue but the epilogue is going to be just as long as the rest of the chapters so yeah. I'm so excited that it's getting so close to the end!!
> 
> Anywayyyyys, I hope you all enjoyed chapter twenty nine as much as you could. Thank you all so much for reading and or following along. It means the world and really the support that I've gotten throughout the fic has blown me away. Feedback is always very much appreciated so don't be shy because I love hearing your thoughts!!


	30. Where Is Home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an extremely long time since I've last updated and I can't begin to tell you all how sorry I am about that. I wasn't able to update due to personal reasons (which I stated somewhere in the comments of the last chapter if you care to look). I began writing again as soon as I could; I'm super sorry if this chapter seems rushed. I didn't think I'd be able to finish it by today but thankfully I could.
> 
> Anyways I hope you are able to understand why it's been such a long time and I am sincerely sorry. I hope you are able to enjoy chapter thirty, especially since it's the last chapter before the epilogue.

It had been three days since my parents forced me to pack whatever I could and leave with them. Three days since I had seen Eren and heard that beautiful voice that I already missed so much. I craved to see him, to feel his presence beside my own, every single agonizing minute of the day.

He even appeared in my dreams, sometimes it was pleasant while other times I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Though often I would find that I couldn't tell which was worse; my dreams or my reality. Without Eren I wanted to say that it was worse to be awake but the nightmares that haunted my mind wanted me to say otherwise.

I had originally dreamt about all of the time we spent together, the sunny days were the air was warm and we were still happy. But slowly the dreams got darker, more sinister the longer that I allowed them to go on for. I began to dream of him dying in all sorts of ways or abandoning me like so many other people have but in the end it was always my fault one way or another. That was probably just the guilt eating away at me, knowing that I had left him behind in such a grim state.

We had driven quiet far from what I could tell, not that I even knew where we were. Though from how serene our surrounding were I could tell that it wasn't Shiganshina. They had brought me to the beach once but all I could think about the entire time was how nice it would be if Eren was here by my side. I could image the way the ocean would have reflected off of his eyes, sparkling as he watched the waves crash against the shore.

That served as yet another reminder that this was all my fault, that I was the sole reason he wasn't with me. It was heartbreaking to say the least, especially when I now had all of this time to think about the mistakes I had made. Because we just kept driving and driving until they found something interesting and decided to stop. It was so boring that I spent most time either sleeping, crying, or spaced out as if I were a brain dead vegetable.

The worst part was that they weren't even worried about me, my own parents didn't even try to console me as I balled my eyes out in the back seat of their car. They continued on with their conversation as if I weren't even there. That made me wonder what was making me do this; why did I bother listening to them after all that they had done to me?

Because they were my parents and I truly did miss them; it was my fault they left me behind anyways. I had to face the facts, I just wasn't good enough for them. So shouldn't I be grateful that they've finally accepted me as their son? I should, but yet I could only feel resentment towards the two people siting in front of me. Where was such a cruel emotion coming from when I finally had what I thought I wanted all along? 

Maybe this wasn't it, wasn't what I needed to feel happy. Or maybe, I already had what I needed and I chose to leave it behind. The guilt tearing apart my insides told that it was true but I refused to believe it. This had to be what I wanted, though what a horrible life to strive for. 

I wasn't even sure how my parents made money and I didn't care enough to ask them about it. What did it matter how they got money as long as they were giving me enough to survive off of? Not that I needed it anymore even though they said they'd still be paying me. Maybe they thought I was just as materialistic as they were, but what a strange misconception.

My parents seemed to believe that I was some sort of carbon copy of them. Even though that was anything but the truth, I decided to play along with it. They would make these comments and I wanted so badly to argue it but I just agreed and moved on. It wasn't much of an issue since they never seemed to stop talking and they barely cared enough to pause for a moment to hear my thoughts.

For the past two nights we had slept in the car. They said we'd be sleeping in it yet again tonight and the way the cold night air was sweeping into the car and straight to my bones triggered something in me. I wasn't sure exactly what it was, maybe I was just broken. But I started crying again for about the thirteenth time today alone. The only difference was that since we were about to go to bed, my parents weren't ignoring me for once. 

They quickly tried comforting me though I refused to let them touch me, slapping their hands away as I cried harder. It was hard to see past the tears that blurred my vision but my mother seemed to actually be worried while my Dad looked indifferent to my state. I thought that I couldn't have cared less that he seem so ignorant to my pain, though my shaky limbs were telling me otherwise. For once, though, my body was shaking with anger and not fear, which was a surprise in itself.

Though the next surprise stunned me into stillness as my Dad spoke above my cries. "Armin, you need to stop crying, why are you so upset? If it's because of that Eren kid then you need to get over it. No son of mine will ever be allowed to think that they're a... dirty homosexual. It's a disgusting sin and if you really believe that you are then we will find you help."

His words hurt, though not as much as they should have. They shot straight through my chest but where met with a wall that stopped them from actually harming me. I knew the pain was there but for some reason I couldn't physically feel the way it should have stung. If anything his words only served to knock some sense into me. They made me realize too many things that should have been obvious a few days ago. And I felt stupid to have actually gone along with these people and let them control me as they wished.

Their air of authority over me as my parents blinded me, kept me from realizing the simple fact that they were nothing but familiar strangers to me. They hadn't ever been anything close to a parent to me, so why should I let them control me as if they were? They weren't parents, they could barely be considered relatives at this point. So why was I letting them do this?

Who were these people to me? They were the shadows of the weight that had been dragging me down for so many years. The voices that told me that it was my fault they abandoned me, that forced me to take the blame for something that I couldn't have prevented. These people were just the weights on my ankles, holding me back. But at this point, hearing those words slide past those repulsive lips, I finally was ready to break free.

Maybe it was my fault that they left; maybe I really wasn't good enough for them. But what did that matter now? I had made something for myself without them, I had become worthy of the love that I had craved for so many years. And now that they were ready to give me what I had desired for so long, I didn't want it. I didn't want this life, I wanted my own life back.

I didn't want to live the lie they had forced me into the moment I got into the car and left Eren behind. This wasn't how I was supposed to be living, it wasn't where I was supposed to be or who I was meant to be with. These people thought that they had the ability to carve me into their silly little lie but I couldn't accept that. 

"Don't talk about Eren like that," I muttered, glaring up at my father. "I don't care what you want to think. I'm gay and I love Eren, you will never be able to make me feel otherwise."

"Huh?" He questioned angrily, sitting straighter as if he were trying to intimidate me. "Don't you dare speak back to your father! And don't you ever dare to speak such filth again! I didn't not raise my son to be such a sleazy faggot! You don't like men Armin! You're just confused, we're going to find someone to fix you."

"A-A... Sleazy faggot?" I gasped, shocked by the words he spat at me. "Dad what are you saying? Why can't you just accept me?!" I cried out, grabbing his arm.

He slapped my hand away as if he were truly nauseated by my mere touch. "Don't touch me! Don't put your filthy hands on me!"

Before I could say anything my Mother cut in, her tone desperate and begging, "Stop saying such things Armin! I didn't raise you to be like this! We didn't raise you to be like this!"

I scoffed, "Yeah, you're right! Because neither of you raised me! You left me on my own, to fend for myself! You let grandpa die and left me with absolutely nothing! You let me believe that I was the reason you were gone, that there was something wrong with _me_! But the entire time it was you, it was always you!"

I stopped to catch my breath; I had been left panting by the anger that had begun to course through my veins, lighting a fire within me and leading to the words that flowed out of my very soul. I knew for awhile that I had felt this way, but finally I was getting the chance to voice these thoughts and feelings that had been plaguing me for years.

I continued on, not wanting them to get a word in, "Who the hell do you guys think you are to rip me out of the happy life that I had made for myself?! Why the fuck do you think you're allowed to do that when you're practically strangers to me?! You have no clue about the shit that I have been through after you abandoned me! You don't know anymore about me than I know about you!" 

"Armin baby, plea-" my mother tried but I cut her off.

"No! I'm not done! I'm so fed up with being pushed and pulled by everyone around me! I'm so tired of letting others control me and my actions! You two have no say in my life anymore, you lost that years ago! So stop trying to mend me into the perfect fucking son that you thought I'd turn out to be! What did you think would happen when you left me alone, huh?! You had your chance to parent me the way you should've but you two screwed that up! That's on the two of you!

And another thing! Don't even for a single fucking second think that you have the right to even speak about who I _am_ and _am_ not allowed to love! Don't even open your dirty mouths if it's even related to the man that I have fallen in love with! You have no right to say such cruel things about him right to my damn face, no right!"

I was crying, I could feel the hot tears fall down my cheeks and into my lap. I was crying because it all hurt so damn much. The fact that I had betrayed Eren, yelling at these people who left me with so many open wounds, finally voicing these feelings that were clouding my mind. It made my entire body burn with agony and at the same time it was somehow relieving, like I needed to do this. This was my way of letting go.

"Im leaving," I spat venomously, "and don't think that you can stop me! I'll call the police on you, I don't care that you think you're my so called _parents_. Because you're not, I lost those years ago. I'm going home to the _man_ that I abandoned and I'm so fucking ashamed that it took me this long to realize how badly I've betrayed him. But I don't care anymore, I'm going home, you can mail my stuff to my address. You should know it, you've been mailing me pity for years."

With that, I opened the car door and hopped out, ignoring my mother's cries and my father's angry, threatening calls. I blocked them out, humming a happy tune as I walked down the deserted road. I had no clue where I was going but at this point I couldn't really find it in me to care. I knew I was far from home but I'd make it back one way or another. I had to; for Eren.

There were still hot tears falling from my eyes and staining my cold cheeks but I ignored those too. They were just the traces of the anger that I had been storing for so long, that I had finally let go of. I felt lighter in a sense and definitely much happier even when I knew how badly I had messed things up between Eren and I.

He was the only one who had been sensible during that time and yet I chose to ignore him, to let the demons take control of me. But that was over, I was back to myself and ready to accept him into my arms. I could only hope that he'd feel the same even after I hurt him so gravely. 

Eventually I found myself in a small town full of pleasant buildings and cheerful people. It was a reassuring place to be in even if I still had no idea where I was. The atmosphere was calm and relaxed which was exactly what I needed at that moment. The streets weren't overly crowded but there was enough people to where I didn't feel as lonely as I should have.

By now night had passed and the sun began to rise just over the trees though they were blurred by the heavy fog that had settled. The air smelled fresh and filled my lungs in a way that I never thought possible. My body didn't feel so constricted anymore, I could certainly breath in peace without the burden that had been lifted off my chest.

I had found a bus station that would be able to take me over to the city and then from there I'd be able to make my way back to Shiganshina. It would be a longer trip than I would have liked but I would have to deal with it. I'd be traveling with nothing but the clothes on my back and the wad of cash stuffed in my pocket. I could only pray that I'd have enough to pay my way back to Shiganshina. 

If anything I regretted leaving my phone behind, wishing that I could call Eren up at that exact moment and tell him that I was coming home. I just wanted to hear his voice once more, to let the sound sooth me and my tense mind. I was far too restless to sleep when I caught the bus that would take me towards the city. Too many thoughts of how Eren would react to seeing me again kept me awake.

The bus ride was monotonous to say the least though it still ended up leaving me in a situation that I'd rather have not been in. I was stuck next to a large man who had fallen asleep not too long ago. I wouldn't have minded much if he hadn't of fallen onto my shoulder and began snoring so loud that I thought my eardrum would burst. When I was finally able to get him off of me, I was left wiping away the pool of drool he had left on my shoulder. 

A baby cried on and off, the mother trying her best to quiet the child since people were trying to sleep. I didn't want to blame her but it aggravated me that she couldn't keep him under control. I was already agitated to begin with and now I was stuck in this stuffy bus with a bunch of people who I'd rather not be anywhere near if it were possible.

It was too hot in the bus since it was summer and the air conditioning didn't seem to be working very well. I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt but was still forced to fan myself to keep cool. I hadn't brought even a single change of clothes so I'd be stuck wearing this same outfit until I got home. I didn't mind all that much until I started sweating, but what could I do? 

Maybe this was my punishment for deserting Eren in hopes that I'd finally have what I was striving for since my parents left. Even I could admit that I deserved dealing with this ride home, though it still seemed like torture. I deserved every second of it because this didn't even compare to what I did to Eren. 

Though the creep who sat across from me, eyeing me and smirking every now and then was a bit much. I felt uneasy but all I could do was sit there and let him ogle me as he wished. I was far too weak to speak up and say something to him and I didn't even have anyone to back me up. All I could do was hope that his stop came far before mine. 

Thankfully it did and followed by his was the man next to me. Eventually I was left in a bus full of city goers who were returning home. Many were businesses folks in expenses suits with heavy looking leather briefcases. I tried my best not to get too close to any of them, not wanting to ruin something and have to pay for it. I definitely wouldn't have enough money to get home if that happened, so I knew it was best to avoid them.

When we reached the city I was both relieved and exhausted. The trip had only taken about a day, which was much shorter than I had assumed, but during that time I had gotten absolutely no sleep. I saw lots of different people pass by but in the end they were all just blurry meaningless faces to me. There was only one face that I was searching for, only one that my brain allowed me to recognize.

I still had a few more hours of travel to go once I caught the bus back to Shiganshina. Thankfully this bus was close to empty since not many people were headed in this direction. I was able to sit alone at the far back, able to enjoy the familiar sight of tall, endless trees that made up the thick forests. It was comforting as much as it was suffocating, because I knew I was getting closer to home but that meant that I had to face Eren. 

It would be a lie if I were to say that I wasn't scared; I was absolutely terrified. Eren had every right to reject me, to leave me and never speak to me again. He had every right to give up on me and move on. Maybe that would be best for the both of us but something inside of me told me to hold onto the hope that it wasn't true. Something told me that just maybe he hadn't given up hope on us either.

Shiganshina was much quieter than I remembered, it somehow seemed more dreary if that were even possible. I had gotten off at the closest stop to my house but even then I had a fifteen minute walk before I'd be home. The night time air was colder than I would have liked, my breath coming out in hot puffs of air in front of me. I ignored the way my body shivered, rubbing the tops of my arms in an attempt to fend off the cold. 

The pavement was hard on my tired legs but I trudged on nonetheless, following the familiar road that I had been up and down far too many times to count. It was eerie walking through the forest this late at night with no source of light other than the stars above me. Something could have jumped out at me at any moment and I had no way to defend myself. I could have gotten lost and no one would have ever found me.

But somehow I made it to the beginning of my driveway safely, staring down the long path with a deep sinking feeling in my stomach. Was this really a good idea? Even if it was a horrible idea, there was no turning back now. I had locked myself into this situation awhile ago and the only way out of it was to continue walking forward. 

And that's what I did, walking down the gravel driveway and allowed myself to enjoy the sound of it crunching under my shoes. It was soothing against the rustle of trees and the howl of the wind. It was the only thing that gave me comfort as I walked towards what seemed as if it would be my demise. With every step the driveway seemed to stretch longer and longer, the house moving further and further away. It took more time to reach, not that I minded all that much.

But I was cold, my body shivering violently, almost to the point where it was difficult to stand. My fingertips had gone numb and my nose had been running for the past five minutes. My legs and feet were sore beyond belief and exhaustion was beginning to take over both my mind and body. Even if I wasn't mentally prepared to face him, I was physically prepared to go inside and rest for as long as possible.

I admired the house, no cars sat in front of it this time and all of the lights were off. Eren was probably asleep though with the way I was feeling I didn't mind waking him up all that much. I walked up the front porch, listening to the old wood creak and groan under the weight of my body. I tried opening the door but it wouldn't budge, of course it would be locked.

With a final intake of breath I knocked loudly on the door, waiting to hear if that would get a response. No sound came from the other side of the door so I knocked again, this time louder and more persistent. But still not even the sound of light shuffles could be heard. I sighed, rubbing he heels of my palms against my eyes before I tried again.

This time I called out as I knocked, "Eren?! It's me! It's Armin! Please open the door, it's cold out here!"

And then fast paced foot steps darted towards the door and before I knew it the door had swung open and strong arms had wrapped around me. I was overwhelmed with the scent of Eren and that simple smell paired with the warmth of his body embracing my own was enough to bring me to tears. I bawled like a child, gripping Eren's shirt as violent, despaired sobs wracked my body.

I cried out to him, breathless apologies flying out over and over in an incoherent babble of tears and words. "I'm so sorry... I'm sorry, sorry, so so sorry... I didn't mean... I left you and... I don't know why I... I'm so sorry Eren..."

His voice was gentle but I could hear the way it shook as he spoke, "Shh it's okay, stop apologizing. There's no reason for you to be sorry, I understand okay? I knew you would come back Armin and I'm so proud of you for doing it on your own. I missed you so so much, I couldn't sleep without you here."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I continued, unable to say anything else.

"Shh, I know you're sorry," he leaned back, his hands on my shoulders to keep me steady. I was finally able to get a look at that beautiful, tear-stained face that I had missed so damn much. He smiled passed the tears, a grin so wide that I'm sure his cheeks hurt. "Come on, let's get you inside. You've got to be freezing, you're shaking so badly."

Eren escorted me inside the warm house, sitting me on the couch and wrapping a blanket around me. He left for a few moments before he was back with a change of clothes. He helped me undress and change into the pajamas he had given me before I was scooped into his arms and carried off to bed. I'm sure the second my head hit the pillow I fell asleep, though I wasn't conscious enough to remember. 

When I woke up he next day I was warm, my mind and body both at a comfortable happiness. I was wrapped in Eren's arms in the bed we shared. His breathing was uneven so I assumed he was awake but didn't turn to look. I was comfortable staring out the window where the curtains had been pulled back to reveal the bright outside. I must have slept passed the morning if it was already this bright, which only proved how exhausted I had been.

Eren must have noticed that I was awake at that point. He shifted forward, wrapping his arms around me tightly as he kissed my exposed neck. "Good morning, cutie," his deep voice was close to my ear, a soothing rumble that sent shivers down my spine. 

I felt a dark blush creep over my cheeks and onto my neck. "G-Good morning. How'd you sleep?"

I felt him sit up next to me and turned onto my back to watch as he stretched him arms far above his head, as he did most mornings when he first woke up, exposing a small strip of his tan stomach. "Better since you were with me," he finally answered, leaning over me with his arms on either side of my head. "You know, yesterday... You made me cry like a damn baby, you jerk," despite his words he smiled down at me warmly.

I turned my gaze away anyways, still feeling the guilt that hadn't fully gone away, "I know, I'm sorr-"

I was cut off my his warm hand covering my mouth, "Don't apologize, I don't want to hear it. I understand why you left, even if I wished you hadn't, but you came back to me and that's all that matters now. We are here together right now because we have been strong enough to overcome so many obstacles and I'm proud of the both of us for that. Please don't apologize, okay?"

I nodded to reassure him that I wouldn't, even if I wanted to so badly I couldn't allow myself to. Even with my conformation the moment his hand left my mouth his lips were pressed against my own in a passionate kiss that took my breath away. Our lips moved together in such fluid motions that my mind went blank and all I was left with was the sensations of his cold hands creeping under my shirt and lightly traveling across my abdomen and up to my chest.

The cold air bit at my exposed skin, my shirt lifting up as Eren's hands fanned out to push it out of the way. He stared down at my thin, pale torso, his eyes leaving a trail of thrilling sparks in their wake. The air surrounding us was both an electric excitement and a suffocating anticipation of how far this would go. While my mind told me that I wanted to wait, the heat rushing through my body was telling the both of us otherwise. 

Eren's hands moved cautiously, tracing the lines of my ribs and trailing down to feel the sharp jut of my hips. I was skinnier than I should've been which was obvious to the both of us but for some reason Eren didn't look concerned. His eyes were filled with a hot hunger that was threatening to consume the rest of him; I could tell that he was doing his best to restrain himself.

As scared as I was, I knew that if I didn't let this carry on any further now then I might now get another chance. So when Eren's heated gazed matched my own all I could do was nod my head in silence, not trusting my voice to give the go ahead. 

Eren's movements were quick but they felt thought out, like every single shift, graze, and tap was completely intentional. He started with carefully helping me pull off my shirt, followed by his own before his mouth was attached to the skin of my neck. He bit and nipped his way down to my chest but all I could do was try to control my heavy breathing. A loud gasp unintentionally left my lips as he began to bite and suck at my right nipple while he used his hand to pinch the other. 

An unstoppable whine came from low in my chest, my hips rising to grind against Eren, who hovered close above me. He growled against my skin, glancing up at me before letting go of my nipple to leave a trail of bruising kisses leading down to the hem to my sweatpants. I whined again though this time it rolled off my lips which were already open because of the harsh pants that I was struggling to breath past.

Eren sat up, his fingers curling around my pants as he stared me straight in the eyes, "Armin, you're so beautiful," his eyes grazed over me once more before he looked back at me with complete seriousness. "Are you sure you're ready? Once I start I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself."

I nodded, determined to finally do this, "I'm sure."

He stared at me for a few more moments before his gaze left me as he reached over to the side table. He pulled out a clear bottle and a small shiny packet and set both aside on the bed before he returned his attention towards me. He reached into my pants without warning, wrapping his hand around my erection while he used the other hand to pull them down and off my legs. 

I was left exposed and blushing though he didn't give me much time to feel embarrassed before skilled fingers began slowly working up and down my shaft, spreading the precum, that already began to drip out. A moan slipped out before I could stop it, my hands instantly flying up to cover my mouth and I could practically feel the way a dark blush heated up my face, spreading down my neck and crawling towards my chest. 

Eren paused, reaching up with his free hand to pull away my wrist, "Don't cover your mouth, I want to hear your voice," he smiled down at me, moving the hand wrapped around me one final time to force another moan out of me. 

He shifted back, grabbing my legs from underneath my knees to push them up so that he had a better view. I tried snapping them shut the moment I was exposed but his grip was strong and forced my legs to stay apart. I shifted uncomfortably, looking away as I heard the click of a cap opening from in between my legs. 

I could feeling my breathing pick up as I heard another click and the bottle was dropped back onto the bed. My heart began to pound in my chest without warning and all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the pain. But it never came and as my eyes fluttered open I could only look forward to see that Eren was watching me intently, as if waiting for me to tell him that I was ready.

I hesitantly nodded though he didn't move an inch. Instead he spoke up in a reassuring tone, "I'll go slow okay? We can take as long as you need to feel comfortable, I don't want to rush into things and hurt you. Are you okay with that?"

I nodded again, though this time more certain of myself, letting my breath out in a relieved sigh. It's not like I expected him to hurt me but it was still reassuring to hear him say that. I could feel something prodding at my entrance, it was cold and wet. I assumed it was his fingers but didn't dare look down as he began to push a single finger it. It was a strange sort of stretching feeling, it didn't exactly hurt but it wasn't entirely comfortable either.

I let out another breath and tried to move my hips a bit to get myself used to the feeling. Eren seemed to have got the message as he started to slowly move the digit in and out, curling it against the walls of my insides. My breathing was coming out in short pants but other than that I kept myself calm and relaxed the best that I could.

Eren leaned forward, attaching his lips to my own and moving against me with harsh, distracting motions. Though it wasn't enough to distract me as he slowly squeezed in an second finger, his mouth muffling the whines and groans that bubbled up out of me. When it was fully in he sat back a bit, still hovering over my face to watch my reaction as he curled the two digits. 

Eventually my body got used to the motion of his fingers inside me, it began to crave more even; as my hips rocked against him and low whines stirred deep in my throat. It wasn't enough anymore and whatever fear was left in me was replaced by pure desire. A longing to have him closer if just for only a few moments.

"Eren please," I begged, unable to utter another word, lost in the fire that had spread throughout my limbs.

If he said anything then my mind didn't register it, all I knew was that the fingers had left me and he was moving around the bed, that he was way too far away from me. My skin ached with the need to feel him against me, inside me. Eventually he had settled, my legs spread to wrap around his thin hips.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" He asks breathlessly and it was all I could do to force my head to nod.

With the final permission granted I began to feel a pressure against my entrance that was far bigger than his two fingers. I bit my lip to keep in the sharp cry that threatened to spill when he began to push in, slowly and gently as if I would break if he wasn't careful; maybe I would've given the sparks that had started to shoot up my spine. When he bottomed out I was left with sweat beading on my forehead, breath coming out in heavy pants and fingers curled tightly into the sheets as if that would ease the fire in my lower half.

"Are you okay?" Eren asked, his voice strained yet somehow deeper than it usually was. And I couldn't help but mewl at the way his chest rumbled. He must have taken the noise as an answer nodding his head as he spoke again, "Is it okay if I move?"

I rocked my hips, testing the waters to make sure that I was actually ready, before telling him, "Y-yeah, you can move."

He did, slowly at first, rocking his hips in and out. I could tell he was holding back, most likely for my sake, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him closer, I needed to feel as if we really were one and the same. My body craved his and all I could do was beg for him.

"Eren, ah... Please... Hah, faster," I whined past hot breaths, hoping that he'd understand. I wasn't sure if I was even speaking clearly at this point.

Eren nodded, pulling almost completely out before he slammed back in, repeating the motion over and over and sending my mind into a fuzzy haze. My hands flew up to grab his shoulders, needing something other than the thin sheets to hold onto. My back arched up as a low moan was drawn out of me, our hot skin brushing together so lightly that I could barely tell that he was there.

He pushed me back down with his large hand on my chest, forcing me to stay against the mattress as he leaned forward and locked our lips together, groaning deeply into my mouth. Tongues slid against each other in a sloppy, careless kiss, drool pooling between us until it began to drip down my cheeks. 

When he pulled away my head flew back, eyes squeezed shut and mouth hanging wide open. Eren attached himself to whatever was closest, biting and sucking my skin before moving onto a different area. I could feel a heat pooling in my stomach, and knowing what was about to happen, I let myself rock against him with frantic, desperate movements.

Skin slapped against skin, hot and heavy breaths mingled in the humid atmosphere. Sweat dripped from both of our bodies and my nails dug deep into Eren's shoulders. We were finally one, there was nothing left to keep us apart. And in that moment where we both paused as we hit our climax, I knew that I truly had found the happiness I had been searching for. 

Eren was quick to fall on top of me, his heavy body like a rag doll. We both struggled to catch our breath, basking in the after glow as we allowed ourselves to cool down. Eren was the first to move, getting up and making his way into the bathroom only to come out a minute later with a damp cloth in his hand. He put the warm cloth on my stomach, wiping away the mess of sweat and cum that was left.

After throwing the towel who knows where, he joined me in bed again, wrapping his warm arms around my shivering body.

"Eren, I'm really happy," I told him, my voice quivering as tears begun to fill my eyes, blurring my vision. 

I could feel as he wiped away the escaped tears with him thumb. Eren gently whispering in my ear with the most sincerity I think I've ever heard from another person, "I know my love, I know." He kissed the side of my head, nuzzling against me with a content sigh.

And that was when I knew, things were finally starting to look up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah smutty smut smut! The boys are together! The asshole parents were left behind! They can be happy! Was it worth the wait? I sure hope so!
> 
> Thank you all so very much for reading (especially if you've been waiting for the update). I hope you were all able to enjoy this chapter and were happy with how everything has turned out. The next chapter will be the epilogue and therefore the very last chapter of this fic!! How exciting!! It'll definitly be out on time since my life has settled down so don't worry about having to wait again!
> 
> Anyways thank you for reading and feedback is always greatly appreciated!!


	31. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooooooly I can't believe this is the last chapter!!! I just finished editing it and my heart is actually racing!!!
> 
> Please enjoy!!

A lot can happen over the span of five years, things that could change ones life for either better or worse. A person and everything they had ever known can completely flip in the matter of such a long amount of time. It's scary to think about just how much can and will happen especially knowing that you have absolutely no way to prevent most of the changes that will occur.

You will lose friends and gain friends. Some relationships will end while others will prosper and continue to grow stronger. You continue to learn new things as you begin to change and develop along with the ever changing world around you. It's hard to say all that could happen over five simple years.

I pondered this simple fact as I sat on the long grey couch, staring forward at the TV which only showed a black screen. I could just barely see my reflection on the screen, my blurred form hunched over like a vulture. Did I intend to turn the Tv on? I couldn't remember; it seems I've been struggling to keep up with even my own thoughts as I've slowly become more and more exhausted.

The entire room surrounding was dark, almost too dark to even see much of it. Though I was sure that it was already noon by now, it was almost dark enough to convince me otherwise. I couldn't tell with the way the curtains blocked out any light that attempted to pass through the floor to ceiling windows of the dim apartment.

The mug held between my two hands that rested on my lap was slowly growing colder, along with the untouched coffee that it contained. Coffee had become more of a comfort drink than anything, most times I didn't finish the drink before it grew too cold for it to be enjoyable any longer. Even if I couldn't drink it the very least I could do was allow the homely smell to sooth me.

It was lonely, sitting in the middle of the dark apartment with no one by my side. Though at this point I had grown used to that loneliness, I accepted the fact that at times I couldn't have someone by my side. But the quiet apartment was almost eerie and I couldn't help but wish that someone, anyone would come to visit.

Most of the people that I knew were probably busy at this time though, considering it was the middle of the week. Even so, I couldn't help but crave the presence of another person. 

It baffled me, what my life had become in just five years. I never expected to be leading this sort of life, but who can predict the future? Each and every persons future is a mystery in itself, waiting to reveal itself to you when the time has finally come. Sometimes it shows just what we had been waiting to see while other times it's not only surprising but also dreadful.

The constant tick, tick, tick of the wall clock was almost enough to drive me insane. It was a reminder of all the time that I had to waste, sitting alone in the cold, dark apartment. The sounds almost echoed in my barren mind, as if it were taunting me from its spot on the wall. Anger swelled in my stomach, every inch of my mind begging me to do something to make the repetitive sound stop at once.

I got up, pacing towards the window to peak past the dark curtains and down at the busy city streets below. People bustling in large crowds, pushing and shouting at each other. Cars honked and beeped at every chance that they were given, the traffic so ridiculously crowded that even the people on the sidewalks were moving faster. But, they couldn't have felt lonely; at least down there you had _someone_ with you even if you didn't necessarily know them.

Pulling the curtains closed once again, I backed away a few steps. I glanced to the left, the mirrors on the wall revealing my tired, pale form. My long blond hair had been tied up in a messy bun and the circles under my eyes were so dark that it seemed as if I hadn't slept for a week. I looked frail and almost sickly in the dark lighting that accented the bones of my face and arms.

I turned away, walking into the kitchen. I chose to ignore the large pile of dishes that had collected in the sink in favor of checking the time on the clock above the stove; 12:48 am. I wasn't normally up this early, usually too exhausted to get out of bed until at least five. Though lately I haven't been getting much sleep at all since life has been doing its best to keep me in my toes. Not that I mind all that much, anything that kept my mind distracted was welcome.

Finally, I made my way to the small dining area just past the kitchen, sitting down at the table to stare at the documents laid out in front of me. I probably should have gotten all this paperwork done sooner but at least I still had some time before I would have to return to work. 

I picked up my almost empty pen, scanning the pages in silence, taking notes along the side of the paper. The clock continued to tick, time seemingly passing slower and slower by the second until I was left in a trance. This often happened while I was working, I got so into taking in all the information that the world around me was nothing but background noise.

That was until my vision went black, something blocking my view of the papers in front of me. "Guess who," I heard a voice say from behind me.

I laughed, putting the papers down so that I could grab one of the hands held in front of me and plant a kiss on top of it. "Hmm... Sounds like someone who should still be at work."

The person laughed, leaning down to kiss my cheek before they pulled out the chair next to my own. "We finished up early today."

I glanced at the man next to me, taking in his beauty, features that I would never get tired of seeing. "Well, if you had called me then I would have gotten dressed and then we could have gone out for a little while. We haven't been able to spend that much time together since I started working night shifts."

"I know, Ar. But we can still spend time together, plus I brought home a special someone," he winked at me, grinning childishly.

"A special someone? Other than my wonderful husband? I wonder who it could be," I pretended to be generally confused, purposely speaking louder than usual. A quiet giggle was heard from the entryway followed by the sounds of anticipated shuffling. "This person has got to be pretty wonderful if _my_ Eren is calling them special."

Eren laughed, obviously amused that I was playing along. "Alright, you can come on out, cutie."

We both watched as a small girl slipped out from the corner, her blond hair braided behind her with a pale pink flower clipped at the end. She wore a small pink dress that flowed as she bounced over to me. She had delicate features; pale skin, light blue eyes, and a petite form. She was extremely small for her age but we had learned that she knew how to be tough when she needed to be. She had the voice of an angel which made it quite hard to refuse her anything, especially paired with those puppy-dog eyes she had quickly perfected.

"He's brought home a princess," I gasped as I picked up our daughter, placing her in my lap as she squealed and giggled. "And what might your name be my lady?"

"Krista!" She laughed, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Hi daddy!"

I hugged her closer, smiling at Eren from over her tiny shoulder, "Hello sweetheart, I missed you today!"

"Since I got off of work so early I thought that I could pick her up, I'm sure you don't mind," Eren smiled fondly at the two of us. 

We had adopted Krista from an orphanage that Mikasa opened just over a year ago. Of course it had been love at first sight, though Eren seemed to love the fact that she looked so much like me. She had turned three only a few months ago and we held a small celebration with our close family members. We had become the perfect little family that we didn't even know we were searching for.

Not only that, but after adopting Krista, Eren and Mikasa's relationship had drastically improved. She was coming over far more often and they were able to talk and laugh for hours on end. I was ecstatic that they were able to repair their relationship after so long and became their biggest support. They probably got annoyed with me at times, but I couldn't help it; I was happy for them.

"Daddy, Daddy!" Krista turned around in my lap, patting my cheeks to get my attention.

"What is it sweetheart?" I asked, grabbing her tiny wrists and rubbing the soft skin with my thumbs.

"Can we go see grandpa?!" She asked excitedly. That had become one of her favorite places to go recently.

"Of course! Let me go get dressed and then we can leave," I placed a kiss on the top of her head, picking her up by underneath her arms to pass her over to Eren. He took her into his lap, instantly starting a tickle fight with the small girl as I began to walk away. I could hear both of their beautiful laugher fade as I made my way into the bedroom.

After I was dressed and we all had our shoes on, we made our way out of the apartment building. We started the short walk towards the mental health care center where Grisha was still residing in. One of the many reasons we had chosen the apartment we were currently living in was its close proximity to the place Grisha was living. 

It took just over a year to get Eren to agree to visit his father again. We were surprised at the time to see that Grisha was actually making progress. He still had many bad habits and would say things with the intention to hurt Eren but we were sure he didn't mean it. While we were still in high school we weren't able to visit very often. But after moving up to the city we were able to visit him at the least twice a week though most of the time we'd go even more often.

We entered the building, greeted by the familiar face of the receptionist. She lead us to the left to an area of the center where the more stable patients were allowed to stay throughout their healing processes. She took us to Grisha's room, knocking before opening the door to let us in. Grisha was sitting at his desk, writing in a journal they had given him.

He quickly stood up to say hello as the receptionist left to give us some privacy. He took Krista into his arms, lifting her up in a tight hug, "Hey sweetie! Look at how big you've gotten!"

"Hi grampa! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!" Krista cheered happily as Grisha placed her back in the ground.

"What is it?!" Grisha asked, sounding just as excited as his granddaughter.

"I drew you a picture!" She took the picture out of the pocket of her dress. She handed it to Grisha, who told her he'd hang it up on his wall with the other pictures she had made for him.

Krista had become the light of his life, Grisha falling into a mess of tears the moment he found out we had adopted a child. He was so happy for us and said that he'd be doing the best he could to help us with her even if he wasn't permitted to leave the center yet.

Over time he had earned more rights, helping around the city with the wards workers monitoring him every time he left. He helped care for the center's garden; planting, watering, and weeding beautiful beds of flowers. From what we heard, he may even be released in just a six months time. It was exciting news for all of us and there would definitely be a celebration held for him.

Grisha turned towards Eren, putting an arm around him, "And how have you been son?"

"I've been good! Works been keeping me quite busy but it's worth it," Eren laughed, obviously enjoying being able to speak to his father so casually.

After graduating from high school and moving to the city Eren began working as a social worker, specifically for child abuse cases. He loved his job, though sometimes it took huge toll on him emotionally. But, when he finally finishes up a case that he was working on, he practically glows, radiating a certain type of happiness that could never be duplicated.

Some nights I spend comforting him, letting him know that these children need him so he needs to be strong for them. He understands and I can see he determination in his eyes when the tears wash away and we're left in a warm silence. Other nights we spend celebrating and cheering for the child who's life he saved.

Though lately we hadn't been able to see each other as often since I had been switched to the night shift at the company I worked for. Though we did our best and got through it, knowing that this would only be a temporary shift before I was switched back to working days.

Grisha moved on to me, patting me on the shoulder like a proud dad. "And what about you Armin? How are you holding up?"

"I've been well," I smiled, "I recently got promoted at the local Newspaper company that I work for. Though I've been switched to night shift for awhile, eventually my schedule will be back to normal."

"Well! It looks like your doing your job to provide for your family! I'm proud of you!" He complimented me, patting my back even harder. 

We stayed for awhile longer, chatting about our lives and our jobs. Grisha told us how his treatment had been going and about all of the people he was able to meet. Eventually even Mikasa joined us, her girlfriend casually strolling in behind her. 

"Hey Mikasa!" Eren said, turning to the blonde beside Mikasa to greet her as well, "Hello Annie."

"Hi Eren, how are you all doing?" Annie greeted, leading us into another long conversation.

When we left, it was already growing dark out. The stars already shining bright past the cloudy sky. We made the short trip home, making our way back to the apartment where we would spend the rest of the night; thankfully I had that night off from work. It was nice to have all of this time spend with my family, to enjoy being in their presence for as long as I could.

When we got inside I took Krista to the bathroom take a bath, helping her wash up in the bathtub. It ended up taking much longer than I expected since she insisted she have a bubble bath. That turned out to be a bad idea when it lead to an all out bubble war that we both got far too into. I was the adult here after all, but who could resist a bubble war? 

So after cleaning up the aftermath of a grueling battle, I helped my daughter dress in her pajamas. I brushed her hair to get rid of the tangles, pulling it into two pigtails to keep it out of her face.

One thing I was quick to learn after adopting Krista was how to do all sorts of hairstyles. I may not have been the greatest at first, unfortunately for her, but I got better over time. At least she was too young to remember such a time when neither of her dads new what to do with the mess of hair that she insisted on keeping long. 

Back in the living room, Eren was resting on the couch, a book in one hand and coffee in the other. Once he spotted us, he placed the two down on the coffee table besides the couch and stood up.

"Oh! You're done! I'll get started on dinner then!" He exclaimed walking towards the kitchen.

"Wait Daddy! Daddy!" Krista pulled her hand from my grip, running after Eren, "Let me help you, Daddy!"

"Of course you can my princess!" Eren said, readily accepting the help of his precious little girl.

I smiled at the two of them, telling them that I'd be in mine and Eren's room and that they could call me when it was done. Neither of them seemed to mind, Krista saying that they would surprise me and that I wasn't allowed to come out until they told me to.

In our room, I sat at my work desk, paperwork from my job scattered all over one side and rough drafts of a book I had been working on in a pile on the other side. I pulled out a loose piece of paper, picking up a pen. I planned to work on my book but no ideas were coming to mind, only the strong urge to write down the closure I needed, which I had been putting off for a long time.

With a sigh, I began writing, letting the words flow out of my mind and onto the paper.

_Dear Anxiety,_

_My name is Armin Arlert and I am currently 21 years old. My parents left me when I was young and my grandfather died shortly after that due to an illness. My best friends are Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Jaeger, who I've known since childhood. Eren has also been my husband for awhile now. Even though we've had our fair share of problems, we got through them and I couldn't be happier to be able to call him mine. I'm about 5'4 now and I have blond hair and light blue eyes._

_Though, some of that I know I've already told you before. You know who I am and what I've been through because you've been by my side watching me throughout all of it. But as you can see, my life has changed and so have I._

_I've grown up and begun to work to support myself and my family. I have a husband and a daughter now and I couldn't be happier to call them both mine. I wake up happy every day knowing that I'm going to see those two beautiful, smiling faces._

_My life isn't what it used to be, it's not like when I was younger anymore. I struggled to gain everything that I have at the moment but I will be honest with you and say that every single hardship was worth getting to this point in my life. Even though it wasn't easy, the things that I went through made me a stronger person and now that I'm here, I can finally say that I'm lucky to be who I am today._

_I know we haven't spoke in a very long time, you barely show your face anymore and when you do it's nothing like what you used to be. You don't have the power to torment me anymore, you lost your control over my life a long time ago and I think you know that already. I can't say I miss you being around, old friend, because all you ever did was cause me harm._

_Yes, you have been a part of me for a very long time, but you have been a part that I've tried for so long to get rid of. When I finally excepted you for what you are and learned to live besides you, that's when things began to change. Slowly your presence faded and while it was still there I could feel myself gaining the power over myself that I craved for so long._

_Eventually that craving grew and I allowed myself to fight against you in your weakened state. And I won, I finally won the long battle against you. I'll give it to you; you put up a damn good fight. But in the end, at this very moment, all that matters is that I am now the one controlling you._

_My mind and body felt free when I forced you away, even though you chose to linger and I chose to hold on to you. Maybe I didn't want to lose that part of me, maybe I really didn't want to let you go. But to move on with my own life, that was a choice that I would have to make. If I didn't leave you behind then I wouldn't ever get the closure that I've been searching for._

_And your dearest friend Depression, I don't see much of Depression anymore. Every once in awhile it'll rare it's ugly head, threatening to take over my mind and send me spiraling back down to where I had begun. I can tell Depression is still strong, it's not as willing to let go as you have been. And that scares me because I'm trying so hard to change into a happier person._

_Depression still has its control, it still has the power to manipulate me, my thoughts, and my emotions. I've let it take me downs few times, forcing me into the dark abyss where all I can do is scream for help. It's rough to fight against but eventually I get myself back on my feet and continue on with life because at the moment, that's all I'm able to do._

_Sometimes, Depression begins to creep up onto my shoulder, latching onto my back like a life-sucking leech. When that happens, I stare at my beautiful family and allow myself to feel happy. I let them guide me back to the right path, where Depression will slink away to hide in the dark and wait. It's willing to sit for as long as it needs to so that it can catch me off guard. And that frightens me but I don't allow it to effect how I live._

_Because right now I'm leading a good, healthy life. I have lots of supportive friends and family who are always willing to stay by my side. I have a husband who loves and cherishes me and a daughter who needs me to be there for her, in her life emotionally and physically. It's the responsibility of a parent to stay strong, as I have learned. Even if I feel the urge to break down, I have to be there for both my daughter and husband._

_But that's okay. It only makes me a stronger person to be able to fight back and stay present in the lives of the people who I love. It gives me the strength to fight against you and eventually Depression too. It gives me hope that one day I will be a normal person to match the normal life that I'm now living._

_My life is steady now, even if my mind isn't, and so I have to do my best to keep it that way. Living like this is comfortable, work and family is all I ever have to worry about. I love my job and have become a dedicated employee; I know I will be able to make it far with this company and maybe even eventually move on to greater things._

_I'm even working on writing a book now, I've been developing the idea and the story for two years now. I've spoke with several publishers who help me stay on the right track and believe that my work will be successful when it's finally published. Eren loves reading the new chapters I've written and always helps me with ideas whenever I'm stumped. Or, he stays by my side and continues to be the pillar of support that will help me make it through all of this._

_It's stressful to work so hard on that along with my other job but I know that in the end it will be worth it. I've decided to call the book Dear Anxiety, after these letters that I've written to you. While the story is different from my own, the characters journey to happiness and the struggles they face will be the same. Because I believe that this is worth sharing; people need to know that they can do it too._

_While I write all of this to you, all I can say is that even if your unhappy with me, I hope you're at least proud. You know me better than anyone else. You know my struggles in life and all that has been thrown my way. You know how my mind works and how easily you can tear me down in the matter of seconds. Sometimes I truely believe that you know me better than I know myself._

_So I hope you're proud to see that I have changed, I hope you're proud of the person that I have become. I hope you see me now and allow yourself to admire me for who I am and all that I can do. Because I am no longer Armin Arlert, a sophomore with debilitating anxiety and crushing depression. I am Armin Arlert, a man who is finally ready to let go._

_This was a big leap for me to begin with, you must know that. I've spent hours upon hours thinking of how I'm supposed to send you on your way. How do I let go of such a big part of me? It wasn't an easy solution, lots of thought and effort went into it. But I've decided to let you go the same exact way that I had sealed you to me._

_Five years ago I was sure that I'd be living with you for the rest of my life. I was lost under the burden of your strength and the illusion that there was no way to escape your wrath. I felt alone, like I and everything I was didn't hold a place in this world. My existence at that time was useless, but I fought through it._

_Slowly, I was able to stop harming myself. Both Eren and I are proud of me for accomplishing such a thing. Sometimes my daughter asks me what the scars on my wrists are from, since I don't try to hide them I know she sees them all the time. I have to explain to her that there was a time where I was in an extremely bad place and thought that hurting myself was the only way out._

_I have to look my own daughter in the eyes and tell her that I didn't want to be here anymore. But at the same time I get to see that sad face of her and tell her that I was strong and fought through it. I get to tell that beautiful child that I made it and I am so happy to have her and Eren in my life. I get to tell her that I am so grateful that I survived._

_I'm a survivor of many things, you Anxiety, and Depression being two of the hardest battles. When my daughter is older I will get to tell her all that I survived through and how Eren and I made it together. One day she will be able to appreciate our hardships and realize that her fathers are strong people and I hope that she's proud._

_I hope that everyone is proud of me, even if it seems selfish of me to say so. I hope all those teachers that helped us, all my old and new friends, my family, my coworkers, and especially you Anxiety, are proud of me. Because I'm finally letting go._

_I hope you're not mad, that you don't resent me for leaving you behind after you've stuck with me for so long. Please don't feel betrayed and understand that I need to do this so that my life may continue. I need to get rid of this final weight to become free. I need to let you go, Anxiety._

_And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I've had to make this horrible decision but I know that it's for the better. So, Anxiety, I would like to thank you one last time for doing all that you've done and turning me into the person that I am today._

_Anxiety, my old friend, this is our final goodbye._

_Sincerely,  
Armin Arlert_

"Ar, honey, diner is ready," I hear Eren call from the kitchen, followed by Krista's excited squeal.

I glance down at the paper one last time, my neat handwriting covering the page. I sigh placing the pen down on top of it before standing up from the chair. As I walk towards the kitchen where my family is waiting, I finally feel your weight lifted off my shoulders.

_Goodbye, Anxiety._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I seriously almost can't believe that this is over and at the same time I feel so happy and so accomplished to have finished it! Like I'm sad it's over but glad that I was able to write this fic and actually finish it.
> 
> Literally as I wrote the letter at the end I cried because I'm a baby and it made me emotional.. And I still want to cry but it's happy tears because wow!!! It's finished!!!
> 
> Honestly I hope this fic had been everything you were all hoping for and that even the unjoyable chapters were enjoyable to read. I hope it's left some sort of impression on at least one person because so much time and effort has gone into this.
> 
> I'm so very greatful for everyone had has already read this, is currently reading it, or will be reading it in the future. It means so much to know that people are spending their time to read my silly writing!
> 
> All of the support that I gained throughout the fic ment the world to me and I just want to thank you all one more time for the kudos and comments and such. If you have any last feedback PLEASE feel free to comment I'd love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> One more thing to wrap it up: if you noticed the second to last paragraph he says "I finally feel your weight lifted off my shoulders" that's because throughout the entire fic the "you", as in the reader, has been Armin's Anxiety!!! That's why the fic ends here because he let you go!!! (If you want to hear more facts then check out my tumblr: venomousabyss for 10 facts on Dear Anxiety which I'll be posting soon).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!!


End file.
